It’s a Sad State of Affairs When Your IMDB Page is Humiliating
Wednesday, October 10th, 2007
Heartbreak Kid sucked. I could come up with a wittier or wordier way to say that, but frankly the film doesn’t deserve it and I think most movie reviewers sound like douchebags. Case in point: this guy’s pompous review of Stuck on You in which he calls Shallow Hal the Farrelly brothers’ “finest film.” Although, if I was going to write something douchey like that, it would probably involve a lot of sentences like “Stiller still fairly feral in Farrelly brothers broken flick. Hardly heartbreak, kids.” See, this is why I don’t review movies.
But one thing the terrible movie did accomplish, aside from the seemingly impossible task of making me loathe Carlos Mencia all the more, was to prompt me to imdb the culprits in question. It’s a lot like gazing out across the post-napalm Killing Fields of Hannoi, only instead of twisted, charred corpses it’s Outside Providence and Madagascar as far as the eye can see.
First, we’ve got the Farrelly brothers. One imagines a Directors’ Elementary School in which the Coen Brothers are the quiet, nerdy wunderkinds and the Farrellys are the kids who rub their jizz on all the library books and giggle.
Farrelly Brother Movies Indexed By Most Pertinent Bodily Expulsion:
- Dumb and Dumber: Diarrhea
- There’s Something About Mary: Semen
- Kingpin: Vomit
- Me, Myself and Irene: Breast Milk
- The Heartbreak Kid: Mucous, Urine, Methane
- Shallow Hal: SHE’S FAT! GET IT?!!!!
We can only assume their next opus, a sure-to-ruin-a-legacy film about The Three Stooges, will add a healthy amount of blood to the mix. And don’t you go sneaking away Ben Stiller, you bland piece of crap. Watch this: it’s a clip of you in the Disney movie Heavyweights. And this is you in Dodgeball. And here’s Zoolander. Notice anything?
You can’t fucking do that Ben Stiller! You can’t play the same fucking character in three different movies! Charlie Chaplin could do that, not you! Yes, the rule stands even if the character is yourself. So cut the shit and stop production on the Night at the Museum sequel before I come to your house and smother you with Tyler Perry’s fat suit.
