Eat Shit, Webbys!
Thursday, April 10th, 2008
Cracked.com super editor Jack O’Brien called for a staff meeting at the Cracked house. I hate staff meetings. Usually it’s “Stop stealing from the company” this and “Leave Hannah Montana alone” that. Christ. If I had a dime every time Jack called a meeting to tell me to keep my pants on at work or to stop reading his mail, well, then I wouldn’t have to steal from the company so much.
I’d have all those dimes.
Jack assured me, however, that this particular meeting had nothing to do with my various indiscretions.
“Not to say that I don’t disapprove of your indiscretions,” Jack added when he saw me start loosening my belt, “because I do. It’s just that we’re not going to talk about them at this particular meeting.”
Seeing as I’m not really accustomed to attending meetings that don’t directly address my frequent and shameless pantslessness, I had no idea what to expect. What could the meeting be about? Was Gladstone retiring? Is Swaim too racist? Is Bucholz not racist enough? What about Ross’s beard? Was this meeting going to be about Ross’s beard? I always felt that discourse regarding Ross’s beard was tragically absent on Cracked, and I was thrilled with the idea that we would finally address the issue. When I arrived at what I assumed would be the beard event of the season, Jack was ready to speak.
“Guys, thanks for coming. You’re all probably wondering why I called this meeting.” I wasn’t. It was Ross’s beard. I could just feel it. “I just figured I’d let you all to know that Cracked.com was named an Honoree for the 12th Annual Webby Awards in the category of Humor.” A couple of the interns clapped. Personally, I don’t exactly know what kind of nerd bullshit a “Webby” is, but I do know that awards, in general, are cool as corndogs, (which is to say, very). I could only hope that a Webby wasn’t one of those embarrassing awards. Would this be a prestigious award, like a Best Actor Oscar, or one of those lame, pointless dipshit awards, like a Best Actress Oscar? My immediate concern was whether or not I could use my new status as an award-winner to do some good in this world. As I’m sure you’re all aware, “doing good in this world” translates to “porking supermodels like crazy” in my book.
Because, folks, I made a promise (below). I got into the internet comedy business for one reason: Boning supermodels. That promise is as true today as it was when I made it, when I was twelve years old and I first discovered supermodels, boning and the internet. (It was a big year.)
