In a move straight out of Science Fiction, environmentalist scientists in the Norwegian government have built an immense underground “Doomsday Vault” inside a frozen mountain on a remote island as a bulwark against the inevitable nuclear apocalypse.

But rather than hunkering down in said vault with porno mags, cans of beans, and the complete Lost on DVD, the Norwegians are doing something even crazier: filling it with seeds. And trust me, it’s way less arousing than it sounds.

Scientists have collected, frozen, and entombed more than 2 billion seeds from millions of plant species, hoping that in the case of a War Games scenario, the vault can be opened and provide humanity with instant food. Well, “instant” give or take a few seasons of cultivating fallow, irradiated soil with no tools while trying to fend off hordes of shambling mutants.

It’s kind of like the Veggie Tales version of Noah’s Ark, except with more seeds and without being a laughable superstition. No, you know what it’s like? It’s like Titan A.E. What? No one saw Titan A.E.? Okay, moving on.

This is a failure. Not in planning or engineering, but in imagination. You’ve got the world’s biggest time capsule, and you’re going to fill it with seeds? Seeds? Come off it Norway. I can think of ten things off the top of my head that would better occupy a Doomsday Vault. And here they are.

Some of you may remember my blog post on Monday about environmentalists, and why I don’t necessarily “hate” them, but I may “harbor a feeling of extreme enmity, revulsion, or hatred” towards them.

Well, in exhaustively researching that deeply factually flawed piece of info-journalism, I had the unexpected pleasure of being confronted with a series of (mostly) gorgeous naked women while image searching for bullshit pictures to keep you interested during my long, rambling tirade. And here they are:

Seriously, those are all on the first page of a Google Image Search for “PETA.” Don’t read the text on that first one, by the way; it’s the exact opposite of what belongs on a picture of a naked woman. By which I mean it’s the exact opposite of [insert joke about your penis and/or sperm].

Also, WHO STILL WEARS FUR?!! I mean, if it’s going to get Alicia Silverstone naked, I guess it’s fine, but I seriously haven’t seen anyone wearing fur in at least five years. The whole thing is bizarre, and implies that at some point in the past, at PETA’s public relations headquarters, this conversation occurred:

A Dog, Who is also President of PETA: You guys, people totally hate us for our extremism. What should we do? Blow up something?

6th Degree Vegan: I have an even better idea. Naked ladies.

3rd Degree Vegan: What about them?

6th Degree Vegan: Put them everywhere. All our ads. Connect them to our cause, no matter how tenuously.

A Dog: But that has nothing to do with our beliefs or values.

6th Degree Vegan: Yeah but sex sells.

3rd Degree Vegan: Really?

6th Degree Vegan: I’m pretty sure. I read it on the back of a business book while I was in line at Kinko’s.

A Dog: You went to Kinko’s?! Don’t you know their glue base is made from the eye jelly of the endangered Moroccan Root Beetle?!

6th Degree Vegan: Oh No!

The 6th Degree Vegan kills himself in the traditional PETA method, by standing up too fast and collapsing from exhaustion. The others, loathe to let any part of an animal go to waste, construct a crude bicycle out of the corpse and ride it to a falafel bar.

So don’t masturbate too hard, fellas (and lesbos; I don’t discriminate). Most of those women are nuts.

Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes HUGELY DIGGABLE OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW WELL THAT THING DID !!! videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

I have enough guilt complexes to occasionally consider giving up meat, dumping a wad of cash on an electric car or stop burning piles of leaves and old tires in my yard. It’s called being a good person. Or at least considering it.

But I’ve got to say, for the most part, environmentalist groups piss me off just as much as any other extremist organization. Actually, they probably piss me off even more, if only because I generally agree with their precepts (”the Earth is cool”), so seeing them bend sane discourse over a barrel of hydroponically-grown wheat germ makes me feel like going out and punching a cow in the head on principle.

Yes, they stand for some good things, but no one can listen to the same yammered proselytizing equating chicken processing to the Holocaust for too long without it losing all impact other than to fill you with the urge to strangle whoever’s doing it just to stop the ceaseless, ceaseless noise. It’s the same reason the Christian kids in school who gave you long lectures on why you were going to Hell had no friends. And made you want to strangle them.

But you, the intelligent CRACKED reader, demand more than spewed bile; you demand evidence. Read on, and prepare to hate all those people who you’ve come to think of as better than you.

First off, remember that whale thing I blogged about a while ago? The Japanese agreed not to go Ahab on some Humpbacks, and we all breathed a collective sigh of relief then went back to our Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers.

Well, Greenpeace wasn’t willing to drop the issue quite so easily, and have in fact been following the Japanese fishing boat around in their own boat, which we must assume is a giant floating pita pocket.

Subsisting on a diet of falafel and self-importance, these brave men and women have devotedly tracked down the Japanese, setting up webcams and continuously blogging about their nefarious plans to kill overly abundant whales.

That’s right; setting aside the Humpback issue, the Japanese are now planning to kill 935 Minke whales and 50 Finbacks, neither of which are endangered and which are in fact depleting fish stocks. Despite it all, Greenpeace members say they are willing to “get between harpoons and whales if necessary.”

The harpoons the Japanese use are tipped with explosives, so no matter what the ultimate outcome of this whole thing is, there’s a good chance it’s going to spawn some entertaining Youtube clips. Ross?

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