Awesome Video Of The Day

WOAHHHH!

I pitched the executives at Animal Planet recently about a new reality show called “Raw Jersey.” It would follow the travels of five gentlemen down the New Jersey shoreline in search of the finest girls, the most bumpin’ clubs and the strongest hair gel that money can buy. It was gonna have it all: sex, drugs (rohypnol & steroids), partying… inexplicably, they turned it down. And they wonder why their ratings are in the shitter, right?

After that I tweaked the pitch for the Discovery Channel and changed the name to “DNA Files: Jersey Uncovered.” I billed it as an edutainment program about how even though we’re all different people, we all share the same DNA. It’s amazing enough that chimps and humans share 99% of the same DNA, so I thought it would be even more striking that we, as normal human beings, share a whopping 100% of our DNA with these guys. Bafflingly enough, Discovery wasn’t interested either.

Needless to say, VH1 wasn’t too keen on “Behind The Douchebags.” I guess I’m not cut out to work in television.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Helpin’ People Is Cool (Go G-Hog!)

When I was growing up, me and my friends always used to talk about how health care careers were “lame” and “for total douche nozzles.” After watching this commercial, I see now how wrong we were. Maybe if we’d had viral web videos featuring rapping groundhogs back then things would have turned out better for me - I’m basically a vagrant now. Do you have any idea how much plasma I’ve sold this month? I’m cold pretty much all the time.

According to this article, the commercial was thought up by Shannon Powers - a press officer for Pennsylvania’s Department of Labor - for “Health Careers Week.” Powers cowrote the rap with another officer, and it was performed by an undisclosed state worker. I wonder why they didn’t give their name? This could have been their big break.

With totally sick flows like “flexible hours, competitive wages / many jobs at different educational stages” and “chances for advancement, you’ll never be a zero / choose a job in health care, become a health care hero,” I don’t think they’re gonna have any problem staffing Pennsylvania hospitals for a while. From now on their only concern is gonna be finding the tightest, freshest beats… and trying to think of something that rhymes with “defibrillator.”

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Awesome Video Of The Day

iPhonemania Officially Jumps The Shark

I’ll admit it: When the iPhone first came out, I completely lost my shit. My friends were parading their new gadgets in front of me, and I, consummate sucker for anything new and moderately pointless, was ready to shell out big bucks to get one of my own. Can you blame me? It was like aliens from some remote and futuristic planet (one 3 or 4 years more advanced than ours) had landed and brought their crazy, otherworldly small electronics with them. It has a TOUCHSCREEN! How cool is that?!

Then as the months went by a strange thing started to happen. Whenever I found myself in an idiotic argument, someone would whip out their iPhone and definitively end it. “No way, dude - England is DEFINITELY smaller than Illinois,” I’d say, and within minutes, BOOM: “England itself is smaller, but the United Kingdom AS A WHOLE is bigger.” It doesn’t matter where you are: iPhones give you the ability to end any disagreement. What does that mean? It means the death of The Retarded Bar Argument. Do you really want to live in a world where you can’t spout off misinformation at a bar without getting fact-checked on Wikipedia?

This video of two douchebags dancing around like morons seals the deal: iPhonemania has officially jumped the shark. Maybe if the iPhone was just released a few weeks ago these costumes would be understandable, but c’mon guys: Lots of people have iPhones now. They’ve been around for a while, and they’re widely commercially available. Did I dress up as my Samsung T209 for Halloween? No. Wanna know why? Because it’s JUST A FUCKING PHONE. Time to move on.

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For the tone deaf and the illiterate, there’s some good news and some bads news. The good news is there will be a new Oasis album. The bad news is that it might not have any lyrics.

Songwriter Noel Gallagher explained his writer’s block to reporters:

‘I’ve literally got nothing left to write about. I’ve written about being a youth, and I’ve written about being a rock star, and I’ve written about living life in the big city.’

Wow. What a crushing blow. An Oasis album without lyrics. That’s like having diarrhea without vomiting. Like being anally raped without getting fisted first. Like someone running over your dog without setting your cat on fire. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but let’s be reasonable people. Noel’s written about being young, being a rock star, and living in the city. I mean, what else is there?

Can you name one song in rock history —JUST ONE— that ISN’T about those things? Oh, you can? Lots? Well, sure YOU can, but what if you were a stoned, mildly retarded, douchebag from Manchester? What about then? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Still, always the humanitarian, I thought I’d give Noel some ideas for new songs:

• Sing something about an old not famous guy who lives in the country.

• Write a song about being so unsightly and annoying that you have to get your no talent, only mildly better looking brother to sing lead.

• Steal lyrics off of George Harrison’s tombstone now that he no longer has new lyrics to poach from.

• Write Blur an apology letter for all the hateful stupid shit you spouted and set it to music using the three chords you know.

• Examine the Zen inquiry: if a band no one cares about anymore releases an album no one buys does it make sound?

Awesome Video Of The Day

Wacky Trampoline Jumpin’ Guitar Playin’ Douchebag

You and I both know that the internet is basically one long, drawn-out segment of Stupid Human Tricks, but here’s the thing that blows my mind about videos like this: They had to have actually occurred in real life at some point. And for that to have happened, some dude had to spend untold hours practicing jumping on a trampoline while playing guitar solos*. Then he had to take it to the band and tell them what he wanted to do, and then the band had to be like, “Yeah, dude! That’s a GREAT idea!”

That’s unlikely enough as it is, but here’s the clincher: For this video to exist on YouTube, somebody OTHER THAN THE BAND had to show up at the concert to record it! I’m willing to suspend my disbelief for all kinds of stupid crap on the internet (I’ve been ripped off by three completely different Nigerian email scams in the last year alone), but I have to draw the line somewhere. This video has to be a hoax.

Oh, wait… the band is from French Canada and they’re called OMEGADOM. I take it all back - this is definitely real. If they’d just named the video “How To Get Laid In Montreal” I never would have questioned it in the first place.

*Oddly enough, there are over 100 videos on YouTube of people playing guitars on trampolines. Is this the next big trend, and if so, does this post make me a “tastemaker”?

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Awesome Video Of The Day

The Techno Viking

Remember in history class when they tried to teach you about the impact World War II had on Germany? That was a total waste of time. Watch three minutes of The Techno Viking in action and you’ll learn way more than you ever could in an entire semester of book-readin’. For example, I now know that if you’re German it makes sense that…

I can understand the entourage part, I guess. If you lived in a city where a Techno Viking ran the party-street, wouldn’t you want to be a part of his crew? Ideally the guy handing him bottles of water while he’s dancing? A Techno Viking needs to be properly hydrated. If there has to be a terrifying, ecstasy-fueled Techno Viking running the streets, you might as well try to be the guy that brings him water. Think long-term.

It’s videos like this that remind me how glad I am to live in America. The next time I pass one of the gangbangers that run my block, I’ll be sure to thank them. “Hey, bro. Thanks for not being a Techno Viking,” I’ll say. They’ll like that.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Extreme Beer Pong

I want everyone who watches this video to forward it to their parents. Then I want you all to encourage your parents to forward it to their friends, their coworkers… basically everyone they know. Why? Because I want this kid’s parents to see what he’s been up to this semester.

Chad: (answers phone) Whaaazzzzaaaaaap?!

Chad’s Dad: Chad? This is your father.

Chad: Daaaaad. Whazzzzzzaaaap?!

Chad’s Dad: We need to have a talk.

Chad: (silent)

Chad’s Dad: I saw a video of you on the YouTube.

Chad: Ohh… yeah? Sweeeeeet.

Chad’s Dad: You must have spent a lot of time learning how to do that.

Chad: Dude, bro, check it… I’ve been under like mad stress this-

Chad’s Dad: I’m not paying $30,000 a year for you to learn how to throw ping pong balls into some plastic fucking cups.

Chad: No, dad… it’s not like tha-

Chad’s Dad: You know all your posters are crooked, right?

I don’t want him to get into serious trouble with his folks or anything… just enough that he needs to get a job. Maybe then he’ll stop wearing his hat like that.

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Thanks guys, way to make me look like an asshole. In spite of my brash claims this week that Radiohead’s all-Internet marketing strategy would instantly end the music downloading controversy, a woman in Minnesota was ordered yesterday by a federal jury to pay $222,000 in damages for downloading copyrighted songs. How many songs? 24.

Yes, two dozen songs. That’s two albums (or five Pink Floyd albums). That comes to $9,250 dollars a song. There’s only one song worth that much cash: “All Night Long” by Lionel Ritchie.

So now this poor woman’s going to have to pay out the ass for whatever shitty Guns and Roses album she downloaded, and I think it’s a damn shame. And just so you know, record companies, action like this doesn’t help you in the least. Two hundred grand’s not going to cover the massive losses you’re taking while you drag your feet on your way to the 21st century, and in the meantime, you’re not helping your image much.

When a bunch of sexually harassed women band together to fight the sexist mining establishment, that’s a class-action lawsuit (and a fine film). But when Capitol Records, Sony, Arista Records, Interscope Records, UMG Records and Warner Brothers sue a single mother, that’s gang-raping your consumer.

And the RIAA must think that rape is okay as long as you just put the tip in, because they’ve recently begun sending hundreds of “discount settlement offers” to music pirates (ie, you) letting people pay a fee online to be taken off the “to sue” list. Is this okay now? Can giant companies literally blackmail us into giving them money because they’re losing profits and are too lazy or bloated to change their business paradigm? Would the barbarians have us pay for Josh Groban’s Christmas album? Can I possibly reference any more CRACKED blog posts in a single entry?

My only theory as to how they can get away with it is based on the following article excerpt:

Commenting on Gizmodo.com, a reader identifying himself as DirtyBacon said he was shocked but not surprised by the verdict.

I don’t care how reasoned your argument is, you’re not going to get much accomplished with the name DirtyBacon. Let’s step it up people. Unless you want to end up sporting a Time Warner Ankle Monitor (or TWAM) at all times, we need less PartyWang99’s and more Demosthenes18’s.

If you’re one of the biggest douchebags in the entire world, you’ve probably thought to yourself at some point, “I love t-shirts with words on them, but where can I find one to express my vehemently pro-rape sentiments in a humorous way?” Wonder no more, my friend; there’s this new thing called the internet, and you can buy all kinds of stuff on it. Even t-shirts that cater directly to you and your penny-draft swillin’, beer-pong playin’, fag-beatin’ retard friends!

There’s no shortage of funny pro-rape t-shirts out there on the web. In fact, there’s too many! How can you tell which pro-rape t-shirt is the right one for you? With this handy Friday fashion guide courtesy of CRACKED.com, that’s how.

Slogan: Does This Shirt Make Me Look Like A Rapist?

Message To The World: I am insecure in my appearance and need to seek approval from the outside world. I also might be a rapist.

What It Says About You: You are new to the rape scene. While you want to let people know that you’re ready to get into the game, you’re still not sure-footed enough to really effectively do so. Maybe it’s best to stay on the sidelines for a little while - is there a Big Ten university nearby? If so, bring a notebook to any bar near campus and watch closely. Don’t wear this shirt, though - try something with vertical stripes for now.

Douche Factor (1-5): 2

Slogan: Anti-Abortion But Pro-Rape

Message To The World: I think that life begins at conception, and that each of those precious gifts from God is sacred and has the right to live. I also think that rape should be legal - that way I can rape lots of women and not go to jail.

What It Says About You: You are a complex individual. While your pro-life sentiments make you a great fit for abortion clinic protests and GOP rallies, your views on Rapist Rights will make it difficult for you to make friends there, let alone find women to rape. Have you ever heard of Meetup.com? They’ve probably got something for you.

Douche Factor (1-5): 3

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