Jim Carrey on American Idol

You know what would be weird? Climbing the ranks of Toronto’s stand-up comedy scene to eventually become a successful headlining comedian, launching a massively successful television and film career, then suddenly finding yourself dressed up in a crappy elephant costume exchanging niceties with Ryan Fucking Seacrest to hawk your latest crappy and instantly-forgettable movie. Wouldn’t that be weird?

It’s easy to think of this as an example of Jim Carrey “falling from grace.” That sounds great and raises the stakes of the video and everything, but c’mon - can you really “fall from grace” when your whole career rests soundly on a foundation made of funny faces? I’m not going to totally shit on the guy - the kid in me still loves Ace Ventura, and Eternal Sunshine and The Truman Show were both pretty good - but aside from a handful of exceptions, the obvious trend in the Carrey canon has been a not-so-subtle slide downward. (Although he admittedly set the bar pretty high for himself).

I’m not going to cry “SELLOUT!” either (I don’t think anyone ever thought of Jim Carrey as having street cred or expected him to “keep it real” or anything), nor am I going to say that this clip really surprises me; Jim Carrey could dress up like an adult baby and make a “boom boom” in a Huggies commercial tomorrow and I wouldn’t bat an eye. Instead, I’m going to offer a tip to Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, and every other aging comedian who gets crappier and crappier with each passing year: just retire, guys. Seriously - you’ve made like a bazillion dollars already. Instead of spending your time making these wretched children’s movies, why not go spend some time with your ACTUAL children? They miss you more than we will, I promise.

The Return of the Sexman

I’ve featured the unique YouTube stylings of Pruane2Forever here on the Cracked Blog before, and I’m happy to say that he’s still up to his old tricks, churning out video after video about everything from Keanu Reeves to Carlos Mencia from the relative safety of his bedroom. He’s been kind of blowing up lately: He got a shout-out from Attack of the Show recently, and his epic panning of the movie Jumper has been making the rounds in the last 24 hours, but I’d like to focus on a different video of Pruane’s; one that doesn’t involve movies, celebrities or “jackin’ it.” This video paints a much different picture of The Sexman than we’re used to. Apparently there’s a little boy underneath that tough exterior, and this is a video of that inner little boy doing what he really wants to do:

Playing with his father.

And there is nothing even remotely embarrassing about that, either. Everyone has videos on YouTube of their dads throwing them onto a bed these days, don’t they? Isn’t it pretty standard practice to have a slow-motion replay in the videos, too? You know - so the entire world can see each and every individual frame of you and your father sharing a tender embrace, just before you soar through the air with an enormous grin on your face, like it’s the greatest moment of your entire life? That’s what the kids are doing these days on the YouTube, isn’t it?

Oh - and I’m pretty sure they all make movies called “The Sexinator” too. This kid can do no wrong!

“When You Let Everyone Play… Nobody Wins”

You’d think I’d have some choice words to say about this ad for TheLadders.com, a “premium job site created exclusively for $100k+ people looking for $100k+ jobs,” but I’m coming up strangely blank. I’m not a $100k+ person myself, but this is probably a great idea for someone out there. You know - someone who owns more than one suit, or at least one that they didn’t inherit from their dad.

Sure, people who would use TheLadders.com are all rich and fancy and stuff, but whatever - I’m not going to be all sour grapes about it. If you’re a successful professional and you’re looking for a new job, you probably want a website that caters directly to your needs. One that separates the wheat from the chaff. The commercial might be kind of obnoxious, but I think it gets its subtle message across nicely:

TheLadders.com is for thin, attractive white people, not fat, balding slobs.

If you’re reading this, TheLadders.com, don’t you think that last sentence would be great as your new slogan? I’ll gladly sell it to you… for $100,000. Think it over and meet me at the bargaining table. You know - the one out back. Yeah - the one by the dumpster. That’s perfect.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Homemade Halo Suit

I know what you’re thinking. You’re watching this video¹ of this kid in his homemade Halo suit, and you’re thinking to yourself, “Wow - what a total badass.” I would agree with you, but having made more than my share of homemade Halo suit videos in my day, my trained eye sees all the telltale signs of an amateur here. I can relate, though: in my first homemade Halo suit video, I was wearing a tinfoil shirt and a pair Levi’s. I knew it kind of sucked, but I thought maybe the fog machine and strobe light would still make it look cool. No dice.

Anyway, the cardinal rule of making a Halo suit video: always make sure your mom is out of the shot. I know how it goes when mom’s cooking dinner and the lighting looks best right near the kitchen, but you know what? It’s called “self-control.” Wait until she’s done cooking you dinner and THEN make the video. Think about it like this: What would Master Chief do?² I’ll tell you what he’d do: he’d crouch in the corner, reload and wait for a more opportune moment to flex in his new homemade cardboard armor. Are you Master Chief material? Yeah? Better start acting like it, then.

I know that might sound needlessly harsh considering he’s just a kid or whatever, but I’m not apologizing - that “kid” got like 30 headshots off me last night.

¹ Not to be confused with this video, or this video, or anything associated with this website.

² WWMCD?

Awesome Video Of The Day

Screw You Porn Addicts

Like a lot of people, I’m FED UP with all the porn spam that’s being posted on YouTube. It’s been bugging me for a while, but I could never find the right words to explain myself. Finally our movement has found its voice. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Pruane2Forever¹.

It’s about time.

If this kid continues to spout sage advice like “stop jackin’ off, find a chick, and have sex with her,” I’m pretty sure our movement will begin to gain traction. Pretty soon YouTube will be a pristine internet locale, clean as freshly-fallen untrodden snow. All we have to do is get this kid’s voice out there to the masses.

I showed this video to a porn spammer² I know. Know what happened? He started bawling like a little baby, went home and signed up for an associate’s program at his local community college. I’m talking results here, people! Let’s get the message out!

Based on most of the 500 comments people have already posted in response to this powerful, moving video, I think we’re already making progress:

“lol, what a bullshit” - rubi84

“You don’t like porn? Fag.” - Peikon

“i hope you die in a car accident” - BKajun06

One user at a time, Pruane2Forever³. One user at a time.

¹ I would like to point out that, according to his YouTube profile, this kid’s name is “Sexman,” he’s 54 years old, and he owns a company called “Gang Bang Prodouctions” [sic]. That is all.

³ Be sure to check out his other videos, too, including a review of the new Rambo movie, a rant on why “Jerry Sienfield” [sic] sucks and this AWESOME fight he had with his dad.

Awesome Video Of The Day

SUPER DRAGON!!! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Before I was a Cracked blogger, I did a short stint as an amateur wrestler named Snapneck McDanger. It was a decent gig: the money was good, I met a lot of interesting people and got to do a little bit of travelling to boot (once I even got to go to Tampa!). I built quite a name for myself, taking down some notoriously tough opponents¹, but all good things must come to an end, and after only a few short months of working the circuit, a rare medical condition² forced me into early retirement.

I met Super Dragon out on the circuit a few times. He always seemed like a nice guy, but I have to say that I probably would’ve chosen to handle this situation a little differently. It always seemed to me that if there were thirty people watching my match, and if only ONE of those people was a total Snapneck McDanger superfan, well, then that would probably be the one person that I WOULDN’T threaten with a folding chair. And if I was going to threaten them with a folding chair, it probably wouldn’t be for CHEERING ME ON. I’m not Super Dragon (I’m Snapneck McDanger), and he’s obviously free to handle his business any way he sees fit, but if you’re reading this, SD, take a little advice from me, Snapneck McDanger: If you’re an amateur wrestler, your most important signature move should be APPRECIATING YOUR FANS.

And I should know, too. You know - because I used to be an amateur wrestler named Snapneck McDanger. One who was forced to leave the business because of very mild eczema who then went on to become a humor blogger.

¹ Ever heard of Elbows McFierce? What about Tommy McFacekick? Elroy “The Kid” McPunchy³? Anything?

³ His favorite move was punching.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Our #1 Commenter (Is A Douchebag)

Over the course of the last few months, the Cracked Blog has received a whole bunch of comments. Some of them have been insightful, some have been marginally coherent, and a good number of them have been spam for some site called sugarmommy.com. Through thick and thin, though, through everything that has come to pass, there has been one man, a dedicated commenter who has made it all worth it.

I’m talking, of course, about Nick.

A veritable geyser of useful information, Nick has always been there for us when we needed him most. Luckily, it turns out that Nick is an expert on pretty much every single topic that has come up! In the past few months, I’ve had the unique pleasure of reading Nick’s thoughts on:

I have to admit it: I was skeptical at first. I thought to myself, “How can this kid possibly be an expert on all these topics?” I scoffed when he said that people who play Guitar Hero are wasting their lives away, but do you know what Nick does instead of playing it? HE PLAYS A REAL GUITAR. That’s right - Nick can play this song from Final Fantasy, and guess what? HE’S NEVER EVEN PLAYED THE GAME. Say what you will, but you know what? That’s really impressive. Impressive enough that when he gives me very specific instructions on how to kill a Tyrannosaurus Rex, I’m willing to listen. And when he tells me all about how awesome his computer is, I’m going to go out and buy a computer just like it. That’s because - unlike a lot of people that might think he’s totally full of shit - I understand that Nick is an expert on all things.

And while I’ll never be as learned on nearly as many subjects as Nick, I’d like to close this post with a humble achievement of my own: I’m no math expert, but I think I’ve finally solved the age-old “Internet + Anonymity = ???” problem:

Thanks, Nick - I couldn’t have done it with you.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Sarah And Hannah Had A Sad, Sad New Year’s Eve

It might be sad to think about these two girls all alone on New Year’s Eve, singing their little song and dancing around an empty living room, but I have a feeling that things are going to change for these two after this video starts making the rounds at their junior high. I’m sure that as soon as their peers hear their clever lyrics (not to mention their lovely singing voices) and see their amazing choreography the party invitations are going to come rolling in. Soon they’ll be at all the coolest parties, playing crazy games like Where In Time Is Carmen Sandiego? and “Carry The Rice Grains Across The Room On A Butter Knife” every weekend. Things will be more relaxed during the week, though: they might go over to one of the cool kids’ houses after school and watch a popular afternoon sitcom like Saved By The Bell or Growing Pains. Then they’ll head down to the mall to buy Hypercolor shirts and Paula Abdul CDs, grab some pizza at McDonalds and call it a day.

I’m pretty sure this video is going to make these two the most popular girls in their school. Trust me - I know what the kids are into these days.

(Yet Another) Wildcard Week!!!

PAPERTOILET.COM

I was going to say this weird website was cool for a minute. It’s a toilet paper roll simulator - which is pretty much the most useless thing I can think of - but I thought its pointlessness was kind of awesome, a good representation of everything that’s great about the internet. Then I found out that it’s a “piece” by an artist named Rafael Rozendaal who makes all kinds of other weird internet art, like jellotime.com and flamingcursor.com.

Now I just feel like I got tricked into liking art.

I still like this toilet paper roll simulator, though. So much so that I unrolled the entire thing just to see what would happen. I’m not going to spoil it for you, but I will say that it’s a little bit disappointing.

It IS art, though. Maybe I just don’t “get it.”

Considering some of the offensive Halloween costumes I’ve paraded in front of my friends and expected them not to sock me in the face, I feel a little awkward calling these kids douchebags for dressing as Virginia Tech victims. But, as it is my solemn duty to decry idiocy, here goes: what a couple of fucking douchebags.

Living proof that what happens on Facebook doesn’t stay on Facebook, these kids got their photos snapped at a party in October and it’s taken the last two months for the turds in question to float to the top of the toilet bowl that is national media outlets. And as you’d expect, everyone took turns saying how outraged they were and then showering attention on them.

Let’s drop the pretense for a minute here: they’re college students; they’re going to do dumb shit and piss everyone off. What even I can’t forgive, however, are the kids’ utterly terrible excuses, which I now present in order from least to most offensive:

Because clearly only the first iteration of a national tragedy is really tragic. I mean, how many times can a public building be bombed before it just loses that “tragic punch?” Oklahoma City? Tragic. The World Trade Center? Snore. It’s been done, man! Where’s the zazz?!

And did you notice the steady slide from principled rebellion to defensive whining? It’s probably on account of the hundreds of “detailed” death threats from Virginia Tech alumni that they’ve been receiving, including promises to curb them and “lynch” them. I’d be scared too; if Virginians have proven anything, it’s that they know how to lynch a guy.

The amount of attention they’ve received is somewhat staggering, considering how utterly stupid this all really is. If I thought being retarded on Halloween would get you this much publicity, I would’ve posted my own pics months ago. Let’s see, there was the year I went as a bloated Hurricane Katrina victim, then the next year I was a Holocaust survivor (losing all the wieght was a bitch), and this year I showed up as that artist’s rendering of Baby Grace.

Keeping up the violent sobbing and cries for mercy from my attacker all night was pretty tiring, but the warm grins on everyone’s faces were well worth the effort.

Top that you PSU sons of bitches!

Awesome Video Of The Day

Kent “Toast” French: The World’s Fastest Clapper

They say everyone is good at SOMETHING, but how did this guy figure out that his special skill was clapping really fast? Was he just clapping all the time when he was younger and eventually some of his friends noticed and were like, “That is some FAST clapping, bro!” I don’t know about you, but if my friend was always sitting there doing his fast clapping routine, I don’t think I’d be friends with that dude for very long.

I guess it’s easy to make fun of this guy for spending so much time trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records, but you know what’s even sadder? Being a WANNABE World’s Fastest Clapper. Besides: Have YOU ever met Richard Simmons? I didn’t think so.

(more…)