You know what I’d do with a time machine? Grab a laptop, load up a bunch of websites with people all like “ZOMG BILL O’REILLY IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE” on them, and head back in time to the set of Inside Edition, just a few seconds before this rant happened. Ol’ Billy boy was just your average soft news douche back then, introducing Sting “cuts” with a full head of hair and flipping out on innocent teleprompter operators. The phone booth would shoot out of the floor of the set (because time machines are made out of phone booths - duh), the camerman would yell “CUT!” and O’Reilly would be all “GET THAT FUCKING PHONE BOOTH OFF MY SET!” But then I’d be all “I’mmmmm frrroooommmmm the fuuutttuuuurrreeee” and Bill cower in the corner like “NOOOO!” because, as you probably know, Bill O’Reilly is completely terrified of time travelers who talk like spooky ghosts. Seriously - he’s like the real-life version of a black chef in a 20s movie.

Anyway, once his guard is down I’ll whip out the laptop and show him all the blogs like “ZOMG BILL O’REILLY IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE,” and at first he’ll be like “What does ‘ZOMG’ mean?” and I’ll be like, “Oh yeah - it’s the early 90s and internet slang doesn’t exist yet.” But then I’ll explain to him that none of that matters, and that the important part of the story is that everyone in the future thinks he’s a dick. He’ll probably get all defensive at first, and then he’ll get angry and turn back to the teleprompter and go off on the rant that’s in this video. Then after he’s done with that he’ll start bargaining with me, like “Maybe I can be a dick now and turn into a nicer guy later?” Then he’ll get super sad and cry a little at the craft service table, and then eventually he’ll give up and be like, “Okay, fine - I accept that everyone in the future hates me.” The five stages of grief will be complete, and I’ll nod knowingly, turn around, and start walking back to my phone booth to return to the present.

Then right before I punch in the final number of today’s date on the keypad, Bill O’Reilly will call out to me. “Hey, wait a minute,” he’ll say. “What the hell are all those interconnected pages filled with text, pictures, and clickable hyperlinks?”

I’ll crack the door to the phone booth open and give a sly little wink. “It’s called the internet, Mr. O’Reilly, and pretty much everyone on it thinks you’re dick.”

Dear People With Very Specific Skills Who Put Repetitive Videos Of Themselves Showing Off Those Skills YouTube,

First off, I’d just like to congratulate you all: You’ve created a new artform for the internet era, and for that you should be proud. I’m not going to deny that your videos are amazing, but I can’t help but wonder: What did you guys do before YouTube? Did you backflip into your pants whenever more than a handful of people were in the room? Was it hard to do it live because you didn’t have the luxury of editing out all the failed attempts? Did your friends & family get sick of you always trying to backflip into your pants at parties, or did they accept it as part of what made you a beautiful & unique snowflake?

Either way, you guys must be loving this whole YouTube thing, huh? You know - what with all the millions of people out there who haven’t seen you showing off your very specific skills. The view counts keep rising, the comments keep rolling in, and you’re left sitting there, watching it all happen and thinking to yourself, “Gosh! These people love me! They really love me!” I’ll be honest with you, people with very specific skills who put repetitive videos of themselves showing off those skills on YouTube: I’m not entirely sure why we, the YouTube viewing public, eat shit like this up with such a voracious appetite. Yes, your videos are impressive, and no, I don’t think I could backflip into a pair of jeans if I wanted to, but does that really explain why these videos end up being viewed by millions of people? Are we all just jealous of your unbelievably specific skills? I don’t think that completely explains it.

So why then? Why do the guys throwing bottles and sunglasses and jumping into pants get all the internet fame while more deserving characters (like the naked Japanese guy cooking mushrooms) fall by the wayside? I’m going to take a guess: It’s because people are more likely to forward a video of some guys throwing sunglasses onto each others’ faces than a video of a naked Japanese guy in a horse mask cooking mushrooms. People feel comfortable sending their parents and coworkers a video of some guys doing backflips into Levi’s, but a naked Japanese guy cooking mushrooms? Ehh… not so much.

So I have a challenge for you all today (and now I’m talking to all Cracked readers, not just the people with very specific skills who put repetitive videos of themselves showing off those skills on YouTube): I want you all to email the naked Japanese mushroom chef to a parent, relative, or coworker today with a message that says “Thought you would enjoy this LOL!” Let’s give the weirdos their due today.

Internal Microsoft Vista SP1 Video

I’ll admit it: It’s easy to point your finger and laugh at this video. It makes the executives that thought it up seem hopelessly out of touch, and it makes corporate culture look even more despicable than the “One Bank” U2 cover did last year. Come on - Bruce ServicePack and the Vista Street Band? “Rockin’ Our Sales”? This video is bordering on self-parody, and I can’t really blame anyone for making fun of it, but if you’re going to laugh, at least give me a chance to explain how this happened.

I should know: I’m the one who made it.

I’d made a few internal corporate videos before. Nothing big or anything; I cut my teeth on Wendy’s “Grill Skill”, but I didn’t really start getting any attention until Apple’s “Black & Blue”. That was when things really started to take off for me, but it was also when Steve Ballmer started calling me… constantly.

It was the fall of 2006, and I got a call from an unfamiliar number. I had already blocked Ballmer’s home, office and cell numbers, but this time he was calling me from a payphone.

“Rossy, baby,” he said. “I’ve got a cherry of a project for you. Our new product line is launching next-”

“I already told you, Ballmer, I’m not interested,” I said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to watch the series premiere of some new show called Heroes.”

“We’re prepared to offer you whatever you want,” he said.

“Whatever I want?”

“Whatever you want.”

There were problems from the get-go. The budget was too small, the shooting schedule was impossible, and I’m pretty sure the guy we cast as Bruce ServicePack was a junkie (I started getting suspicious when I walked into the bathroom and there he was, shooting heroin). I said I thought the saxophone solo was gratuitous; Ballmer said it was essential to hyping up the team. I said I thought the BitLocker superhero bit was hackneyed and tired; Ballmer said he had already promised the part to his down-on-his-luck nephew.

Then there was the catering… Christ, don’t even get me started on the catering.

Ballmer fought me every inch of the way and turned the whole project into the watered-down, middle-of-the-road pile of garbage you see now. It was the first and last time I would ever work for Microsoft, but I’m not trying to dodge the bullet here. It’s my fault this video exists, and for that I sincerely apologize to all of you.

And that, my friends, is the story of how I came to own a swimming pool filled with kittens.

The beamz™ Music Performance System

If you’re like me, you have vague, completely unfocused musical inclinations. But if you’re like me, you’ve never actually acted on those inclinations and purchased any sort of musical instrument. Maybe you’ve been busy at work. Maybe it’s family stuff: The kids need to be picked up from school and the goddamn wife needs you to stop at the store and buy milk, leaving you wondering, “How do we go through so much fucking milk in this house? It’s like she’s pouring it down the drain or something.” And you’re right about that - she IS pouring it down the drain - but that doesn’t change the fact that you have to stop at the store and pick up the goddamn milk.

Or maybe you’ve never attempted to learn an instrument because you’re too focused on your career. You know - that career that has consumed your entire life but gives you the luxury of being able to buy $600 gadgets at Sharper Image. Well guess what, little buddy?! The beamz™ Music Performance System is a $600 gadget that is going to solve all of your problems (except the erectile dysfunction).

What kind of music are you into? Do you want to be a classically trained violinist? How about a “one-man rock band”? Do you want to “scratch” your favorite pre-programmed hip-hop “beats” like the real “homeboys” do, or would you rather relax in a darkened room full of your favorite Sharper Image products for a moment of “quiet reverie”? Whatever it is, beamz™ has you covered. You know those boring weekends you think to yourself, “I kind of wish I had to go to work so I’d have something to do”? With the beamz™ system you can kiss those goodbye. Just head down to your “studio” in the basement and tell the wife to let you know when dinner’s ready. Then when people call for you, she’ll answer the phone and be like, “He’s down in his man room playing with his beamz™ again. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

And here I was thinking that Sharper Image went bankrupt when all this time l could’ve been down in the basement, playing with my beamz™ and softly weeping.

Some Guy Getting A Tay Zonday Tattoo

Just for the record, I completely support this guy in his decision to get a tattoo of Tay Zonday. It’s not like “Chocolate Rain” is just some passing internet fad with a half-life of approximately one year or something. We’re talking about “Chocolate Rain” here! The thing has been viewed 18 million times! Surely all of those people will remember Tay Zonday for the rest of their lives, right? Yes, it’s going to be annoying when people from the other 99.997% of the global population (do the math) ask him “what’s up with that tattoo?” and yes, that’s going to be happening to him for the rest of his life, but that’s a small price to pay for having a hilarious internet joke permanently etched into your skin - particularly one like “Chocolate Rain” that will totally never get old or stop being funny or anything like that.

Yet still, for some reason I can’t help feeling sorry for the guy. It’s not because he now has a tattoo of Tay Zonday on his arm, and it’s not because he’s going to be explaining it to people for the rest of his life. No - I feel bad for him because he has just unwittingly joined a very exclusive club of people who have shitty tattoos that are famous on the internet. Now he’s going to have to start hanging out with Zune tattoo guy, cat ass tattoo guy, Star Wars tattoo guy, Hulk Hogan tattoo guy, and maybe Mr. Cool Ice if he’s lucky. Which sounds great at first, but seriously - what in the name of God are those guys going to talk about? Zune guy is gonna be like, “The Zune is superior to the iPod in every way,” and Hulk Hogan tattoo guy will be like, “Hulk Hogan is superior to the Zune AND the iPod in every way.” Meanwhile the Star Wars tattoo guy will be trying to explain why Boba Fett is badass to Mr. Cool Ice, but Mr. Cool Ice doesn’t speak English, so that’s going nowhere. It’s going to be a complete and utter disaster, but hey, Tay Zonday tattoo guy: it was worth the 31,000 YouTube views, wasn’t it?

The Poetic Prophet (aka the SEO Rapper) - Design Coding

Here on the Cracked blog I usually try to post videos with broad appeal, but today is going to be a bit different. Not to diss Poetic Prophet or anything, but there are really only a few specific circumstances where I can fully endorse watching this thing.

If you’re not into hip hop, this video isn’t going to be your cup of tea, but if you’re REALLY into hip hop, you’re probably going to hate it even more.

If you’re trying to teach yourself web design, best to keep moving along; if you’ve read ANYTHING about web design you probably already know all this stuff, and there are lots of websites with more useful information out there only a click away. On the flipside, if you have NO interest in web design, then this is all going to sound very jargony and nerdy to you.

That being said, I guess I would recommend watching this if you KIND OF like hip hop and KIND OF know stuff about web design but aren’t looking to learn anything new. Although that doesn’t really work either, because people who like hip hop even just a little bit would probably think this song sucks. Maybe this video is meant for people who 1) are vaguely aware that something called “hip hop” exists, 2) already know a little bit about web design and search engine optimization but aren’t looking to learn anything new, and 3) like music videos that are filmed in offices.

Actually, you know what? Just don’t watch this video. Seriously - it sucks.

Sonic Metal

It happens to all of us every once in a while: You’re doing something completely irrelevant - sitting in your office, working on your car, maybe just playing some Sonic the Hedgehog - when all of the sudden you get hit with a sudden urge. It sneaks up on you at first, just a faint hint of a suggestion, but then you can’t stop thinking about it. You try to ignore it, but the truth is you can no longer help yourself.

You must build a guitar out of an old Sega Genesis.

So you pull the Genesis out of storage in your parents’ basement - which is convenient, because that’s where you live - and you get to work, but then your girlfriend walks in and she’s like, “What the hell are you doing?” and you’re like, “Wait a minte - I don’t have a girlfriend. Who the hell are you?” and she’s like, “Oh, wait - I think I have the wrong house. I’m looking for Donny,” and you’re like, “Yeah, Donny lives a block over. On Kendall Avenue. This is KenDALE Avenue.” Then she’s like, “Oh, weird - his house looks exactly like this one,” and you’re like “Yeah, I know,” and then she looks at the Sega Genesis and severed guitar neck on your workbench and is like, “Uhh… yeah. Good luck with that.”

A few days later you’ll be done building your Sega Genesis guitar, but you’ll still be thinking about Donny’s girlfriend. You’ll read the Wikipedia entry for “Courtship”, hoping to glean something about the art of seduction, racking your brain to come up with a way to win her affections, and then you’ll decide to impress her the only way you know how: by making a video of yourself wailing on your Sega Genesis guitar in front of some Sonic the Hedgehog levels and putting it up on YouTube. Then you’ll sit back and wait for her to blow you up with her digits in the comments, but then your mom will be like, “DINNER!!!” and you’ll have to turn off the computer and go upstairs.

A few days later Donny will kick your ass and steal your Sega Genesis guitar, which he will then proceed to sell on eBay for $101. Good times.

The Coolest Toy Around

If you’re like like me (or any of the other Cracked bloggers, for that matter), you have an absolutely ridiculous amount of disposable income. Figuring out new ways to get rid of all that excess cash can be stressful at times, but hey - that’s why God created Hammacher Schlemmer¹.

For me, personally, it all started with the Flying Alarm Clock. I was like, “Whoa, sweet! The little propeller thing flies across the room and then the alarm won’t turn off until you put it back on the base! What a great way to ensure that I get out of bed in the morning!” Then I picked up a Computerless E-Mail Printer and a Snowboarding Simulator, but for some reason I still felt empty. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong; I was getting rid of all my money, and my apartment with filling up with useless garbage, but for some reason I still felt like something was missing. Then I stumbled across this video and realized what it was:

I needed a Motorized Monocycle.

True - it set me back $13,000. True - it bears a striking resemblance to that Segway parody from South Park. True - I look like a complete ass when I’m riding around on it, but you know what? Those are all small prices to pay for the happiness that owning a Motorized Monocycle brings me.

Except the part about the $13,000, I guess.

Now all I need is a Levitating Hover Scooter. You know - so I have something to tow the Motorized Monocycle with if it breaks down. Oh - and a $50,000 replica of the robot from Forbidden Planet. After that I’ll be pretty much set.

¹ Little known fact: God created Hammacher Schlemmer first thing in the morning on the eighth day.

If You Seriously Still Haven’t Gotten Enough Of Guitar Hero, Here’s A Slightly Shittier Version Of It That You Can Play ANYWHERE YOU WANT

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of being chained to my television when I want to play Guitar Hero. The wireless controller was a nice attempt, but it still kept me stuck in my living room. I want complete and total freedom of movement when I rock out, you know? I’m sick of looking like a total fucking douchebag playing Guitar Hero in the privacy of my own home. If only there was a way that I could play Guitar Hero… IN PUBLIC! On the train, in the food court at the mall, in the office break room; If possible, I’d like to be able to look like a prick anywhere I go.

That used to be just a pipe dream, but come Summer 2008 that pipe dream will finally become a pipe reality!

And what better way to announce the coming Guitar Hero DS revolution than with what may possibly be the most instantly-dated commercial I’ve ever seen. Look at that guy and that girl. They are ready to ROCK! You can tell because they brought their Nintendo DS’s and copies of Guitar Hero onto that rooftop, and they’re totally rocking out in front of… what skyline is that? San Antonio, Texas? Yeah - they’re totally rocking out in front of the San Antonio skyline. If that isn’t enough to convince you that Guitar Hero DS is the premiere game of Summer 2008, then I don’t what will.

If I didn’t know the product was brand spankin’ new I would assume that this commercial was made in 1992. The only explanation I can come up with is that Guitar Hero DS is early 90s themed and features hits by Spin Doctors and Counting Crows. Oh well - at least it works on rooftops!

Jim Carrey on American Idol

You know what would be weird? Climbing the ranks of Toronto’s stand-up comedy scene to eventually become a successful headlining comedian, launching a massively successful television and film career, then suddenly finding yourself dressed up in a crappy elephant costume exchanging niceties with Ryan Fucking Seacrest to hawk your latest crappy and instantly-forgettable movie. Wouldn’t that be weird?

It’s easy to think of this as an example of Jim Carrey “falling from grace.” That sounds great and raises the stakes of the video and everything, but c’mon - can you really “fall from grace” when your whole career rests soundly on a foundation made of funny faces? I’m not going to totally shit on the guy - the kid in me still loves Ace Ventura, and Eternal Sunshine and The Truman Show were both pretty good - but aside from a handful of exceptions, the obvious trend in the Carrey canon has been a not-so-subtle slide downward. (Although he admittedly set the bar pretty high for himself).

I’m not going to cry “SELLOUT!” either (I don’t think anyone ever thought of Jim Carrey as having street cred or expected him to “keep it real” or anything), nor am I going to say that this clip really surprises me; Jim Carrey could dress up like an adult baby and make a “boom boom” in a Huggies commercial tomorrow and I wouldn’t bat an eye. Instead, I’m going to offer a tip to Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, and every other aging comedian who gets crappier and crappier with each passing year: just retire, guys. Seriously - you’ve made like a bazillion dollars already. Instead of spending your time making these wretched children’s movies, why not go spend some time with your ACTUAL children? They miss you more than we will, I promise.