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Divorce on The Cracked Blog

Nobody Ever Said Being A National Joke Was Going To Be Easy: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Monday, May 5th, 2008

The fame that comes with being a Cracked blogger has its pros and cons. I can always get a reservation at fancy restaurants, I get into all the most exclusive night clubs, and thousands of women email me pictures of their junk on a daily basis. That’s great and all, and yeah, I’m filthy rich and everything, but it’s not all cash and clubbing and ill-lit close-up jpgs; the schedule can be exhausting, the gossip mags say the nastiest things, and I can barely walk down the street anymore without a dozen women throwing themselves at my feet. It can get to be a little much sometimes, but hey

This gig is my Different Strokes (Gladstone is Willis, Swaim is Kimberly, and Daniel O’Brien is the maid). That being said, what’s going to happen to us when it’s over? Swaim will end up doing porn and OD’ing (but we all knew that was going to happen anyway), and Gladstone will knock out Vanilla Ice on Celebrity Boxing, but what about me?! Will I be making diaper rash cream commercials and making fun of myself on any show that will take me? Will I run for Governor and get 14,242 votes? Perhaps most importantly, will I end up on Divorce Court with my beastly ginger wife and talk about my inability to get an erection on national television? Is that’s what’s going to happen to me?!

How much money could Gary Coleman have possibly received to appear on this show, and at what price does it actually become worth it to tell the world you’re packing a limp noodle? My guess is that he got paid $10,000 for this. Times must be rough for Gary Coleman.

You know what he should probably do with that money? Go to community college and get an associate’s degree. Something practical. Data processing, or maybe stenography or something. Anything to get this guy a steady paycheck and some dignity. Seriously, Gary - get it together.

Posted in Celebrities, Divorce, Nooners, TV, Video | 18 Comments »

Aging Beatle Ravaged by Gull-Faced Harpy!

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

The Mills/McCartney divorce ruling is in, and while I don’t have access to some of the more guarded court transcripts, I believe the official verdict is that Mills is an insufferable bitch.

At least that’s what I glean from this article, whose bias is made clear if only by the photo they chose to use of Mills looking like a gull shrieking for a bite of your hot dog.

She was able to wrangle more than 20 million pounds, which in American money is about nineteen billion dollars, which is so much money that I imagine her prosthetic leg will soon be replaced by a staff of crystal, jet-leg, or simply be fashioned out of thousand dollar bills.

And how did she manage that? First, by pissing off the judge, who called her “less than candid,” “unreasonable and exorbitant” and “a bitch on wheels.”

She also claimed to give 80 to 90 percent of her income to charity each year—and thus be stone cold broke—when in fact “her tax returns disclose no charitable giving at all.” Hey, she’s just like me! Except for her being a huge bitch, of course.

Mills then attempted to silence court documents that would reveal her as, you know, a bitch, called the 70,000 dollar a year childcare payment she’ll be receiving “inadequate,” and threw water on Paul McCartney’s lawyer.

Headlines like “Money Can’t Buy Her Love” were inevitable, although I imagine there are a few other Beatles covers Paul is humming to himself these days:

  • Devil in Her Heart
  • You Never Give me Your Money
  • Baby You’re a Rich Man
  • Money (That’s What I Want)
  • Gold Digger (feat. Kanye West)
  • Happiness is a Warm Gun

    • When not blogging for Cracked, Michael moves into the finals of the Youtube Sketchies II contest as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets! Thanks to all who voted for us!

    Posted in Celebrities, Divorce, Heather Mills, Law, News, Paul McCartney, The Beatles | 37 Comments »

    Bill Nye, The Restraining Order Guy

    Wednesday, December 5th, 2007

    Beakman must have been overjoyed this week to learn that arch-rival and Tucker Carlson of government-required children’s educational programming Bill Nye was undergoing severe marital and legal problems. Beakman always was one for Shadenfreude; he used to beat off while Lester mopped the lab.

    Giant rats and masturbation aside, Nye’s ordeal is pretty spectacular. He surprised his girlfriend with a spontaneous wedding, then when he found out the marriage license wasn’t valid, decided to call the whole thing off. You know, because the mild hassle of getting some paperwork refiled sort of kills the whole true love thing.

    According to Nye, THIS happened next:

    Nye says his distraught ex-wife-that-never-was poured a toxic liquid into the garden behind the house they both owned, a substance Tindall later said was weed killer. Nye took out a restraining order against her. He says she was “dressed in black and wearing a black hat” and “she fled on foot when I called her name.”

    There was an allegation that Tindall intended to throw poison onto Nye’s face or sprinkle it in his eyes.

    Once you’re done cackling at the mental image of Bill Nye getting poison sprinkled in his eyes, try and appreciate how awesome some of the finer points of this set-up are: Nye’s ex dressed up as the black spy from Spy vs. Spy, Nye weeping over his beloved roses, and Tindall the concert oboist loping off through the suburb, bottle of empty poison in her sinister black-gloved hand.

    I also can’t get over how Nye treats the whole thing like an experiment on his show. Upon “investigating” the herbicide, he reportedly concluded that is was “quite toxic,” and could have theoretically soaked into his vegetable garden and then gotten into his food. I assume he deduced this by setting up a control garden and treating a series of test gardens with various levels of the poison. Yay science!

    Now all it needs is some wailing electric guitar and wacky sound effects to keep the kids entertained and it’s ready for the KPBS afternoon block:

    Posted in Bill Nye, Divorce, News | 27 Comments »

    Reasons Hulk Hogan’s Wife Filed for Divorce

    Monday, December 3rd, 2007
  • She came to realize the phrase “Hogan Knows Best” is accurate only in the context of how to reverse a figure four leglock.
  • He insisted on having old announcer buddies narrate their rough sex sessions.
  • He was never emotionally available to her, the kids had finally grown, and he refuses to wear sleeves.
  • The trauma of their son’s reckless driving arrest drove her to question their parenting skills aloud, to which Hogan replied by flexing angrily and growing a ludicrous mustache.
  • His steroid-shriveled testicles and steroid-engorged everything else.
  • The entire 24-year marriage was a sham; in reality, she was in league with the NWO all along and now she and Kevin Nash are banging like Bonobo Monkeys.
  • One day she saw him without his bandana and realized he’s not only bald, but has what dermitologists indelicately refer to as “the scabby scalp.”
  • VH1 execs noticed a ratings dip last season, and cutting the brake lines on Nick’s car didn’t boost the numbers as much as they’d hoped.
  • It’s been a month since Hulkamania ran wild all over her, and when it did it took an hour of sensual massage, a fistful of Viagra, and absolute silence.
  • She has the Internet:

    • Posted in Celebrities, Divorce, Hulk Hogan, News | 17 Comments »