As you probably heard, Gary Gygax, creator of Dungeons and Dragons, passed away recently. Since then, nearly every news outlet has taken the opportunity to make a cheap D&D pun at Mr. Gygax’s expense. Well, I for one find it denigrating and disgusting, hardly a fitting tribute to a man who helped provide so much joy to so many.

Therefore, in an effort to ensure no one will make any more terrible puns, I have compressed as many as possible into the following obituary. Hopefully running the premise into the ground will convince others to give it a rest.

Gary “The Beholder” Gygax reached epic level this week after rolling a natural 1 during a battle with Time. Apothecaries have stated that despite his Alertness feat, he was caught flat-footed and failed a subsequent Fortitude save to negate the effects of a Level 8 Finger of Death spell (touch attack), due largely to a -3 Constitution modifier brought about by a Curse of Natural Ageing. Though clerics at the Temple of Pelor have attempted a resurrection, it appears Mr. Gygax has been the victim of a Soul Bind enchantment, and has already passed through the material, astral, and shadow planes into worlds beyond.

Mr. Gygax is best known for his Critical Hit Sneak Attack against an Ancient Red Dragon during a treasure-hunting excursion in Ched Nasad, and for turning a Bag of Holding inside out in order to destroy an evil pocket dimension. Later in life, he retired from adventuring to work with animals, training Mordenkainen’s Faithful Watchdogs for the blind and chairing a committee for the conservation of Gelatinous Cubes.

He is survived by his wife, two half-elf children, and a +5 Mace of Shock.

There, now I hope we can all let Mr. Gygax rest in peace. And if you’d like to contact me about giving a eulogy, I speak Common, Abyssal and Underdark.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael rolls natural 20s as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Not a day goes by that I don’t receive countless e-mails, letters, phone calls, telegrams, candygrams, strippergrams, and smoke signals, all expressing some form of, “Yeah, yeah—Wall Street in a panic, economy in the toilet, Hillary and Obama mud-wrestling, Ron Paul’s sex tape—enough of that depressing stuff. We want more Unnecessary News!” Well, ask and ye shall receive, my imaginary friends!

Fist of a Tiger: In commemoration of the time he finally beat his father at golf, Tiger Woods has established the “Fist Pump Challenge” to inspire young people to celebrate their own accomplishments. The legendary Nike spokesmodel said he hopes the challenge will help kids “highlight the moments in their lives that brought them closer to reaching their goals.” When asked for examples, Woods said that possible “Fist Pumping” moments could include the first time you beat your father in a game, the first time you beat your father into unconsciousness, or the first time you got fisted.

I’m Not Dead, I’m Just a Little Chile: Proving once again that the third developing world is an endless source of medical mishaps and shenanigans, funeral-goers in Chile were astonished recently when Feliberto Carrasco, whom they had come to mourn, woke up and asked for a glass of water. The 81-year old had been unconscious for so long that relatives believed him dead and even dressed him for his wake. After the miraculous “resurrection,” Mr. Carrasco appeared to be fine, and has since returned to his favorite activities of pooping his pants, forgetting his own name, and wishing he was dead.

Lopez Sez No Mo-pez*: George Lopez star George Lopez has decided he will retire at the age of 55 to safeguard his health. The comedian and kidney-transplant recipient plans to perform for another nine years before hanging up his microphone for good. The transition should be easy, however, as Lopez retired from making people laugh in 1994.

*I nominate coming up with the title “Lopez Sez No Mo-pez” as my Fist Pumping moment. What’s yours?

Since the regular author of Cracked Science Corner!!!!11!! is on vacation, I’ve decided to fill you in on a topic that is just as important, and probably has more truth to it than all those wishy-washy science “theories” like “man evolved from apes” or “Ron Paul did 9/11″—I’m speaking, of course, of the wonderful world of entertainment news!

I Am Cellphone Man: Black Sabbath frontman and noted pooper-scooper Ozzy Osbourne has finally entered the 21st century, receiving his first cellphone at the age of 59. However, daughter Kelly isn’t so thrilled:

He never had a mobile before and I f**king hate it. He calls me all the time. I was out having dinner with my friends the other night and he called me and said, ‘I’ve just got to tell you. I’ve been listening to your album. It’s really good. I don’t know why it didn’t do so well.

When asked about the compliment later, Osborne noted that he was pretty sure he had been speaking to Beethoven.

Guess They’ll Have to Make Do with Buttsex: Forty years ago this month, Johnny Cash performed at Folsom Prison, and the result was an iconic moment in popular music history. An attempt to recreate the classic performance on its anniversary has been canceled, however, much to the disappointment of the show’s promoter and prison inmates:

Prison officials called off the show late Monday, citing problems over filming rights, media access and security concerns… The show, which would have been streamed worldwide over the Internet, was to have been underwritten by four nonprofit groups that were to share the venture’s profit.

Although concert planners initially believed that the security and copyright issues could be resolved, they were forced to concede that the show had to be scrapped when they received the devastating news last week that Johnny Cash died in 2003.

The Mama and the Poppers: When Kate Moss, supermodel and primary export partner of the nation of Colombia, was unable to find a baby-sitter for her 5-year-old daughter on New Years’ Eve, she did what any caring parent would—took the kid clubbing in Thailand:

A source tells New York gossip column PageSix, “Kate was dancing around with Lila, and they were sipping champagne until well past midnight. But Kate was definitely being a mom. She was with her daughter the whole time.”

When asked to describe ways in which she demonstrated her mothering skills, Moss noted that she made sure her daughter followed three simple rules for staying safe:

• Liquor before beer, never fear
• I don’t care what Jamie Lynn said, Red Bull is not a contraceptive; and
• No matter how pretty the lady is, don’t snort anything off her penis

Awesome Video Of The Day

Golden Eagle Snags A Goat

While we’re on the subject of terrifying animals, I would like to add that I will never, EVER fuck with a golden eagle. I can’t imagine that I weigh much more than a goat, and that THING just totally picked one up and flew away it. You do the math. Sure, the crappy little goat sound effect 13 seconds in is hilarious, but that’s about all you get in this video in the way of comedy¹. Birds of prey don’t really “do” funny.

Wanna know what probably happens after this video ends? The eagle takes the goat back to its terrifying nest (presumably one made of broken glass and barbed wire) and proceeds to rip it to shreds with its razor-sharp beak. When I think of badasses of the animal kingdom, I don’t generally think of birds; wolves, cobras, tigers, and komodo dragons come more readily to mind. I guess I tend to think of fangs and venom instead of talons and beaks², but it’s starting to look like I’ve been all turned around on the subject. Apparently eagles are totally badass. Who knew?!

¹ Other than the part where the eagle flies away with the goat. In the laugh industry, we call this a “sight gag.”

² Although giant squid have beaks too, and they are most certainly badass animals.

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Today I’m going to kick off my blogging year with a new feature in which I demonstrate my advanced age and decrepitude by describing things I’ve only recently come to realize, but which you’ve most likely known a long, long time. It’s… Late to the Party!

Part the First: The Wii is Awesome.
That picture to your right (presented in a wistful sepiatone to convey the feeling of olde timey days) is me gettin’ busy with my new Wii, which Santa was nice enough to give me permission to buy for myself and my ladyfriend after she planted the seed several months ago (by mentioning that “it could help us get in shape”) and promptly forgot about it.

I’m well aware that all you video game types are totally over the Wii, but for someone whose most recently owned video game system prior to this one was an Atari 2600 purchased by my Grammy in 1982, this was a pretty major leap to make. But 25 years seemed like a long enough time to allow for technical improvements, so I took the plunge (productivity be damned), and let me tell you that it was worth the wait. So far I’ve learned that a) my arms don’t know the difference between swinging a Wii remote and swinging a baseball bat, b) I am just as crappy a virtual bowler as I am an actual bowler, but the shoes don’t smell as bad, and c) my girlfriend can beat the crap out of me at boxing (to the point where I actually found myself yelling “I’m trying to punch you in the face! Why can’t I punch you in the face?!” followed by “Stop iiiiiiiiit!”). In any case, I’m just now discovering that it’s awesome, so be kind to your elders and cut me a break.

Part the Second: Rihanna is a Hottie.
While visiting my ladyfriend’s parents on New Years, I happened to see the video for a song called “Umbrella” for the first time. It’s by a singer named Rihanna, who spends the entire video strutting around in fishnets being splashed with water and naked covered in silver paint, and for all I know it’s been all the rage for the past five years while I was living alone in a cave teaching myself to juggle balls of mud. (I also think I read somewhere that the song was originally offered to Britney Spears, but I for one am glad she declined it, since I would just be spending the whole video thinking about how bad all that water would be for her toe fungus.)

But in any case, while the song is inarguably catchy, let me state now for the record that I concur with the 98% of men and lesbians worldwide who strongly believe that this Rihanna lady could melt the paint off Satan’s furnace. It is a scientific fact that an ordinary man accidentally seeing Rihanna in person would literally have his genitals burned completely off. So exercise caution if you believe she may be in your vicinity. But speaking of exercising caution…

Part the Third: It Is Possible to Be Eaten by Wild Animals at the Zoo.
Who knew, right? All those times I was dragged off to the zoo to stare at sleeping lemurs as a child, I was actually entering a terrifying death trap. The most interesting thing that happened while I was there was when the giraffe took a really enormous crap.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Death From Above

Winter. To some it means Christmas, hot chocolate in front of the fireplace, wrapping a scarf around a snowman’s neck and sledding down a picturesque hill. To me personally, though, it means putting my life into the hands of fate and hoping I don’t get hit by a giant falling chunk of ice.

If you live in a city where it snows, then you’ve probably seen those “CAUTION: FALLING ICE” signs they put on the sidewalk outside of skyscrapers. I’ve never really understood the point of those: if the ice is gonna fall, it’s gonna fall. I’m convinced that getting hit by falling ice would kill you instantly. It would be painless. All these signs do is create the pain of anticipation without actually preventing anything. They should use these signs to apologize ahead of time just in case you get hit. You know, like “CAUTION: THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT ALL THIS FALLING ICE,” or “CAUTION: LIFE IS A TOTAL CRAPSHOOT.”

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Neverending stories of impending global catastrophe, ecological disaster, and geopolitical meltdown got you down? Well, friends, set aside those difficult-to-digest plates of unpalatable facts and get ready for some less intestinally-distressing fare, because it’s time once again for my roundup of all the news you absolutely, positively, don’t need to know at all. Let’s get to it!

Bindi Irwin, Hip-Hop Mogul: Australia’s favorite fatherless child is refusing to let her dad’s unfortunate ascension to the Great Crocodile Pit in the Sky hold back her own burgeoning career, and plans to release her first rap single next month. With lyrics like “I’m afraid of grizzly bears, but don’t you see/Grizzly bears should really be afraid of me,” the song is sure to be a hit, but Bindi has a warning for any potential haters out there: “You muthaf@*$in’ stingrays tryin’ to get in my path/Don’t be surprised when you get a shotgun up your ass. G’day, muthaf#*%ers.”

Amy Winehouse Kills Again: The rampaging tornado of whirling drugs and crusty makeup known as Amy Winehouse has claimed another innocent victim—this time, a harmless hamster. The adorable, formerly live and pooping hamster met his fate at Winehouse’s hands last year at the apartment of Palladium singer Peter Pepper, who said, “I’d been to bed, but Amy had stayed up and was still going strong and had drunk the drinks cabinet dry. The next thing I know, (the hamster) bites me, runs off and Amy says she’ll catch it… But I went to put a plaster on my finger and by the time I came back, Amy said she’s put it to bed and it was sleeping. But just hours later the hamster was stone cold and hard.” (This is believed to be the last time Winehouse made anything hard.) How many more victims must this menace claim before someone puts a stop to her reign of terror and lousy soul music? Who will protect us and our pets? (As an incentive to any drug dealers who may be inclined to put her out of our misery, I should add that Winehouse’s body mass is now thought to consist of at least 40% pure cocaine.)

Alba Gives Regards to Broadway: Jessica Alba, who would be the very definition of my perfect woman if she were only unable to speak, has decided to show off the artistic range she displayed in such cinematic tours de force as Honey and The Fantastic Four by taking on Broadway. The star is set to appear in the role of Karen in David Mamet’s classic “Speed-the-Plow.” (In a bonus bit of unnecessary news, it turns out that David Mamet and Sidney Lumet are not the same person.) However, Mamet is rumored to be customizing the play to showcase Alba’s unique talents, as indicated by his revision of the script to a one-page sheet consisting of the words “Enter KAREN, naked. Two hours pass. CURTAIN.”

[More Unnecessary News here.]