Note: For best results, hit play on the top video, let it play until the kid starts dancing, and then hit play on the bottom video.

Sometimes I have to make difficult decisions. Today I had to choose: Should I post the fat kid’s pantsless home workout video or the Saudis skating down the highway at 80 mph in their sandals? As you can see it was a very tough call.

I knew I could come up with some hilarious zingers about the fat kid exercising, but I already made fun of a child yesterday. I’m pretty sure that at some point you’re supposed to stop making fun of children, right? This little guy is probably too young to know that he’s just set himself up to be the next Star Wars kid, effectively ruining his entire life, and that’s not all that funny, I guess, but you know what is? Watching him flail around with no pants on. WHY ISN’T HE WEARING ANY PANTS?

So yeah, that one’s kind of a mixed bag - part funny, part gut-wrenchingly depressing - but the one with the Saudis skating down a freshly-paved highway? That one’s just flat out confusing. Why are they doing that, and more importantly, HOW? Not only does that look like the most dangerous thing of all time, but it also seems to defy the laws of physics. Also, the title of the video is “Only in Saudi Arabia.” When did Saudi Arabia gain this reputation for wackiness? I figured if I posted this one I could say something about that, make fun of the guys for wearing those Islamic man-dresses, drop in a few Darwin references and call it a day. Easy enough, but would I really have enough to say about it to make the text wrap ALL THE WAY AROUND THE VIDEO?

I was sitting on the couch, trying to decide which one to post. I showed them to my girlfriend, flipping back and forth between the two windows. “Which one of these is funnier?” I asked her.

“Use both of them,” she said without even looking away from America’s Next Top Model.

I pulled them up on the screen, hit play on both, sat back to watch them at the same time, and was like, “Whoa - these are actually pretty awesome to watch side by side.” Then I tried to find another video to use, but by then it was getting late, so, you know, here we are.

Note: Today’s Nooner is being written immediately after purchasing Grand Theft Auto IV for Xbox 360. It is sitting unopened on my coffee table right now, and yet here I am, 100% focused on writing, not thinking about Grand Theft Auto IV at all.

My greatest regret isn’t a girl that got away, skipping my high school prom, or not getting to say goodbye to a loved one before they passed away. It isn’t running away from a problem, missing a career opportunity, or getting that tattoo of the kanji symbol for “two-car garage” that the tattoo guy told me meant “strength.” Yes, I’ve done all of those things, and sure, not a moment goes by that I’m not ashamed of every single one of them, but that’s all eclipsed by my greatest regret:

Why the fuck didn’t I commit more crimes when I was young enough to get away with it?

Sure, I broke some bottles and lit some fires when I was younger, and yeah, one time in junior high we stole my friend’s mom’s car (it wasn’t our fault - “Welcome To The Jungle” came on the radio and we got all pumped up), but we only made like two houses down an alley before we crashed into some rubber garbage cans at about 5 mph, and then we ran away and hid until the cops came. On a scale of one to “cool” that ranks somewhere between a two and a “suck.”

Why didn’t we go on a crazy crosstown rampage like this kid did? Maybe we were better behaved, more respectful and fearful of authority. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because this was the pre-Grand Theft Auto era and we just didn’t know how. Not that a rampage in GTA involving two mailboxes and two parked cars would be very impressive, but for a real life 7-year-old? That’s nothing to shake a stick at - particularly considering he couldn’t even see over the steering wheel.

Come to think of it, this might just be some crazy viral advertisement for GTA IV or something. One that, based on my ability to focus intently on writing this Nooner without thinking about GTA IV, is clearly having no effect on me. Which reminds me - I have to go now for a completely unrelated reason.

So you’ve decided you want to drop out of community college and become an “entertainer.” Good for you! Everyone knows that being an entertainer will make you rich, famous, and get you constantly laid, but there’s a downside to this business that not a lot of people know about. Yes, success in the entertainment industry is very easy to achieve, and yes, your place in the history books is all but guaranteed if you want it, but here’s the catch:

At some point you’re going to encounter a heckler, and if you don’t handle it correctly, you may never make it out of Muncie, Indiana. You want to make it out of Muncie, Indiana, don’t you?

Watch the guy in this video, and note how he works the room to handle the situation. First he tells the heckler the whole audience is going to kick his ass. This is an essential step that allies the performer with the crowd, letting the heckler know that everyone is against him. Next, he peppers his crowd-banter with regionally-specific references that the audience will recognize. This makes the crowd like the performer on a personal level; By implying that he is familiar with their geographic area, the performer tricks the crowd into thinking he is somehow like them, when he is in fact a big fancy-pants entertainer who is NOTHING like them at all. (”Is he talking about OUR Cracker Barrel?! I think he is!”)

Finally, the performer jumps off the stage, waves his acoustic guitar menacingly, and splits the heckler’s head open with it. This step might might seem strange to the uninitiated, but the truth is that criminal assault & battery charges are the calling card of the professional entertainer. When the audience member says “Get security,” what he really means is “I want to purchase your merchandise, professional entertainer!” When that other guy yells “That was unnecessary,” he means “Will you sign this cocktail napkin? I don’t know who you are, but based on your awe-inspiring professionalism, I’m almost positive that you will one day be a star.”

The Coolest Toy Around

If you’re like like me (or any of the other Cracked bloggers, for that matter), you have an absolutely ridiculous amount of disposable income. Figuring out new ways to get rid of all that excess cash can be stressful at times, but hey - that’s why God created Hammacher Schlemmer¹.

For me, personally, it all started with the Flying Alarm Clock. I was like, “Whoa, sweet! The little propeller thing flies across the room and then the alarm won’t turn off until you put it back on the base! What a great way to ensure that I get out of bed in the morning!” Then I picked up a Computerless E-Mail Printer and a Snowboarding Simulator, but for some reason I still felt empty. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong; I was getting rid of all my money, and my apartment with filling up with useless garbage, but for some reason I still felt like something was missing. Then I stumbled across this video and realized what it was:

I needed a Motorized Monocycle.

True - it set me back $13,000. True - it bears a striking resemblance to that Segway parody from South Park. True - I look like a complete ass when I’m riding around on it, but you know what? Those are all small prices to pay for the happiness that owning a Motorized Monocycle brings me.

Except the part about the $13,000, I guess.

Now all I need is a Levitating Hover Scooter. You know - so I have something to tow the Motorized Monocycle with if it breaks down. Oh - and a $50,000 replica of the robot from Forbidden Planet. After that I’ll be pretty much set.

¹ Little known fact: God created Hammacher Schlemmer first thing in the morning on the eighth day.

Well… That’s Horrible.

I’ll admit it: Sometimes I like to just hang out in the bathroom until well after the… err… how do I put this? Until after the… umm… proceedings have commenced. I don’t know if that’s supposed to be embarrassing or what, but there it is. When it comes to matters of the bathroom I’m usually not in any particular hurry.

Sometimes I’ll send out some text messages letting friends know what I’m doing. “LETZ DOOK IT OUT,” “DOOKLEAR EXPLOSION” and “ARCHDOOK FRANZ FERDINAND JUST GOT SHOT” are all popular ones, not to mention “DOOK THE RIGHT THING” and “PLAY ANOTHER SONG ON THE DOOKBOX.” When all else fails I’ll just go through the contents of my wallet or read the ingredients list on the back of a shampoo bottle. I do all kinds of things when I’m in the bathroom, but here’s the important part: eventually I get up and leave. I have other things to do on a daily basis that require leaving the bathroom, and to be honest, as much as I love sitting on the toilet I seriously doubt I’d want to do it all day.

Which is why when I read this article about a woman hanging out in the bathroom for TWO YEARS I was like “whoa.” What was she doing in there? Did her boyfriend bring her Sudoku puzzles to solve? If he was a good boyfriend he’d get her a Nintendo DS, or maybe move a TV in there or something. Oh wait - no, that’s wrong. If he was a good boyfriend he probably would’ve been like “Hey, uhh, you’ve been in the bathroom for a really long time. Maybe you should get off the toilet so the seat doesn’t become fused to your body.”

I could probably make a joke here about how women always take forever in the bathroom to get ready, but that’s kind of a tired and obvious joke, and I don’t know how to work the whole skin-growing-over-the-toilet-seat part into it, so I guess I’ll just skip that one altogether. Instead, I’m going to end with a question: Do you think the seat was padded? I sure hope so.

Santo Gold Infomercial

I don’t even know where to start with this one. Big shoutout to The Virtual Santo Gold Museum for gathering all the great information that I’ve liberally paraphrased below.

Back in the 1980s, a successful businessman named Santo Rigatuso decided to create a film. Through his “Santo Gold” mail-order fake jewelry business, Santo had racked up a considerable amount of cash - more than enough to fund his first feature film. The result? Blood Circus, a “science-fiction wrestling movie” featuring cannibals, washed-up professional wrestlers, aliens from the planet Zoran and, naturally, lots of Santo Gold mail-order jewelry.

Strangely enough, Santo had a hard time finding distribution for his creative masterpiece. His solution? Promote it through his Santo Gold infomercials and rent out a few theaters in Baltimore to show it in. Sadly, only three people showed up for the premiere - not quite enough to make up for the film’s $2 million budget. Perhaps out of desperation, Santo moved on to crazier money-making schemes: selling credit cards to people with bad credit for $49.95 (redeemable only for Santo Gold merchandise), and offering $2000 blocks of an unnamed millionaire’s fortune for the low, low price of $52 a pop. The law eventually caught up with Santo and he ended up indicted on twelve counts of mail fraud, and sadly, his film lives on today only in the memories of those (un)fortunate enough to have seen it: there are allegedly no copies remaining in circulation.

You can read more about Santo Rigatuso (that’s him screaming in the white suit and sunglasses FYI), his films, and his legal troubles here. There is also a longer clip from his infomercial available here, and a completely baffling, typo-riddled, barely-functional website promising sundry goods at SantoGold.com. It has pictures of office buildings on it, so I’m pretty sure it’s legit.

Awesome Video Of The Day

iPhonemania Officially Jumps The Shark

I’ll admit it: When the iPhone first came out, I completely lost my shit. My friends were parading their new gadgets in front of me, and I, consummate sucker for anything new and moderately pointless, was ready to shell out big bucks to get one of my own. Can you blame me? It was like aliens from some remote and futuristic planet (one 3 or 4 years more advanced than ours) had landed and brought their crazy, otherworldly small electronics with them. It has a TOUCHSCREEN! How cool is that?!

Then as the months went by a strange thing started to happen. Whenever I found myself in an idiotic argument, someone would whip out their iPhone and definitively end it. “No way, dude - England is DEFINITELY smaller than Illinois,” I’d say, and within minutes, BOOM: “England itself is smaller, but the United Kingdom AS A WHOLE is bigger.” It doesn’t matter where you are: iPhones give you the ability to end any disagreement. What does that mean? It means the death of The Retarded Bar Argument. Do you really want to live in a world where you can’t spout off misinformation at a bar without getting fact-checked on Wikipedia?

This video of two douchebags dancing around like morons seals the deal: iPhonemania has officially jumped the shark. Maybe if the iPhone was just released a few weeks ago these costumes would be understandable, but c’mon guys: Lots of people have iPhones now. They’ve been around for a while, and they’re widely commercially available. Did I dress up as my Samsung T209 for Halloween? No. Wanna know why? Because it’s JUST A FUCKING PHONE. Time to move on.

(more…)

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Punt Gun

If you’re like me, you’re sick and tired of carrying around a wimpy, standard-issue shotgun. You know - one you can actually carry around and aim at stuff. Luckily, Tom Knapp (the “greatest exhibition shooter of modern times”) has a solution.

The Punt Gun is 11 feet long and weighs 140 pounds. Hunters used to use them in the 19th century to wipe out entire flocks of waterfowl with a single shot, but then Uncle Sam stepped in and put the kibosh on the practice.

Uncle Sam can be a real pantywaist.

These days, punt guns are used mainly for making YouTube viewers say, “Holy shit - that’s a big gun.” But I don’t see why it has to be limited to that! Just think of what you could do with one of these suckers:

You can get a replica on eBay right now - the starting bid is $2,000 - but it’s only 9′4″ and doesn’t even shoot. Might make a nice gift for the wife, though.

(more…)

So by now it’s old news that Halle Berry —a/k/a the only good 6 seconds in Swordfish— is pregnant. But the latest gossip is that the actress is so “superstitious,” she saved 35 failed home pregnancy tests until she got the one delivering the good news:

We’d been trying for a while and I’m sort of superstitious so I saved all the negative tests in, like, a drawer… I don’t know why but I did.

I know I only got a C+ in “Old Wive’s Tales” at school, but I’ve never heard of the “saving bad news piss sticks superstition.” Nevertheless, it raises many exciting questions:

• Is this superstition related solely to getting pregnant or does saving urine-stained sticks bring good luck in general?

• Does it have to be exactly 35 sticks to work or will the desired result arrive as long your bedroom reeks like a public restroom?

• Can the sticks be kept in an ordinary drawer or must they be stowed in another, more magical, compartment such as something that is “like” a drawer?

and perhaps most importantly,

• Why am I still thinking about having sex with Halle Berry when I know she’s four months pregnant and preserves human waste?

Oh, right. Swordfish.