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Hannah Montana Should Date the Cracked Readers

Friday, March 14th, 2008


Given my recent campaign against serial abortionist/poorly-disguised Snake Monster Hannah Montana, I’ve been getting a whole lot of letters. Not just from Hannah’s managers and lawyers and the FBI demanding that I stop harassing her, but from you, the Cracked readers and writers. Gladstone, for example, sent along this helpful article wherein Hannah is described as a juggernaut for her trampling of U2, the Super Bowl and the movie theater industry at large. In this article, sent by JoJo, Hannah Montana claims that she will not turn out to be the next Britney Spears but, suspiciously, she doesn’t say anything about not turning out to be the next Pol Pot. Eric 616 sent along this uncomfortable article including scandalous photos that may or may not be of the 15 year old, totally-illegal-and-as-a-result-totally-hideous Hannah Montana, scantily clad and covered in some of that middle-school-dance-sweat we all remember. Also, someone sent a package to the Cracked House that just contained a lock of Cyrus’s hair and what I think was one of her toenails. While I appreciate your dedication and resourcefulness, whoever you are, (let’s face it: Swaim), I can’t in good conscience condone this sort of behavior.
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Posted in Cracked House, My 97 Nissan Sentra, Pedophilia, That Bitch Who Plays Hannah Montana | 103 Comments »

YouTube Contest Brings Crushing Reality To Delusional Blogger

Monday, March 3rd, 2008

While this blog has done a fairly good job of documenting my chest hair, I regret to say there is frighteningly little else that has been revealed about me. Those of you who had the diligence to go to my website learned that my first name is Wayne and that I live in Maine. But what else have you gathered? Not much. It’s true. When it comes to blogging, I play it pretty close to the vest.

Indeed, so close, that I’ve apparently managed to keep things even from myself. For example, I’ve only recently discovered that somehow in the last few years, I’ve managed to gain about 25 pounds. See, in my delusional mind, I was still the grungy frontman for Ithaca’s greatest band, Slowburn (pictured in the top left). Not that I was Brad Pitt, but let’s just say I was someone Daniel O’Brien wouldn’t kick out of bed. But as revealed by my entry in YouTube ’s recent video contest, I’ve become something of a tubby, little bastard. And not all the bad lighting, poor sound, or continuity errors in the world can change that. Anyway, I realize now my contest entry might be disqualified because it refers to a public figure which apparently YouTube says you can’t do. (Although last year’s second place winner had a George Bush impersonator in it?) In any event, if it somehow makes it into the top 20, people will be asked to vote on it, but let’s not worry about that yet. Just enjoy the way I’ve let myself go and hopefully you’ll like some of the jokes too.

I’m also using this somewhat unorthodox blog post to announce that I bought an eliptical yesterday and I intend to chronicle my weight loss. You, dear Cracked Blog readers, are truly blessed.

Check out some more Gladstone over HERE. And his latest YouTube video HERE.

Posted in Contains Pictures That Make Me Want To . . ., Cracked House, Vblog, Weight Loss Chronicle | 43 Comments »

Miley, Mandy and Me (Hannah Montana’s a Bitch)

Friday, February 29th, 2008


Some of you may not be aware of this, but the contract for being a Cracked Blogger states that you have to share a house with all of the other Cracked Bloggers. I moved in a couple of weeks ago. It’s not so bad. I share a bed with Gladstone, who is, astonishingly enough, even hairier than he looks on film. I miss my girlfriend and family and sometimes it’s a little uncomfortable, living in a small house with five other guys. Also, I don’t think Swaim knows that I’m part black. I’m running out of excuses to give him when he asks me to accompany him to his White Supremacist meetings, which actually happen a lot more frequently than you might expect.

It gets awkward.

No matter how strange and often aggravating living in a Cracked House gets, I can’t imagine that it would ever be quite as irritating as sharing a house with that bitch who plays Hannah Montana. What is that belief based on, you ask? An irrational hatred that, perhaps, borders on obsessive? Not this time. (Those other times, though, yes, absolutely.) This time around, I have hardcore evidence to back up my reasons for thinking Hannah “The Holocaust Never Happened” Montana would make an awful roommate. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present that bitch who plays Hannah Montana’s new Youtube show “The Miley and Mandy Show.”

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Posted in Cracked House, That Bitch Who Plays Hannah Montana | 259 Comments »