Awesome Video Of The Day

WOAHHHH!

I pitched the executives at Animal Planet recently about a new reality show called “Raw Jersey.” It would follow the travels of five gentlemen down the New Jersey shoreline in search of the finest girls, the most bumpin’ clubs and the strongest hair gel that money can buy. It was gonna have it all: sex, drugs (rohypnol & steroids), partying… inexplicably, they turned it down. And they wonder why their ratings are in the shitter, right?

After that I tweaked the pitch for the Discovery Channel and changed the name to “DNA Files: Jersey Uncovered.” I billed it as an edutainment program about how even though we’re all different people, we all share the same DNA. It’s amazing enough that chimps and humans share 99% of the same DNA, so I thought it would be even more striking that we, as normal human beings, share a whopping 100% of our DNA with these guys. Bafflingly enough, Discovery wasn’t interested either.

Needless to say, VH1 wasn’t too keen on “Behind The Douchebags.” I guess I’m not cut out to work in television.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Helpin’ People Is Cool (Go G-Hog!)

When I was growing up, me and my friends always used to talk about how health care careers were “lame” and “for total douche nozzles.” After watching this commercial, I see now how wrong we were. Maybe if we’d had viral web videos featuring rapping groundhogs back then things would have turned out better for me - I’m basically a vagrant now. Do you have any idea how much plasma I’ve sold this month? I’m cold pretty much all the time.

According to this article, the commercial was thought up by Shannon Powers - a press officer for Pennsylvania’s Department of Labor - for “Health Careers Week.” Powers cowrote the rap with another officer, and it was performed by an undisclosed state worker. I wonder why they didn’t give their name? This could have been their big break.

With totally sick flows like “flexible hours, competitive wages / many jobs at different educational stages” and “chances for advancement, you’ll never be a zero / choose a job in health care, become a health care hero,” I don’t think they’re gonna have any problem staffing Pennsylvania hospitals for a while. From now on their only concern is gonna be finding the tightest, freshest beats… and trying to think of something that rhymes with “defibrillator.”

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Mike Rowe Selling Katsaks on QVC

It’s kind of weird to think there was a time when Mike Rowe, current host of Dirty Jobs, was hawking things like “Katsaks” on QVC to pay his rent, but you know what’s even weirder? THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE TAPING IT. Who in the name of God tapes the “Quality Value Convenience” channel?! Were they huge Mike Rowe fans, or did they just not want to miss seeing all the products that were available for purchase? Maybe they had the VCR set to the wrong channel or something.

If I were Mike Rowe and wanted someone to hire me for a new show, I’d just show them this clip. Not only would it prove that I could handle myself with grace under pressure, but it also shows that when I had a show on QVC, THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE TAPING IT. If that isn’t a surefire indicator of future success, I don’t know what is.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Orangina Ad: Furry, French & Naughty

I’m going to try not to make a predictable, stereotypical joke about French people here, but it’s gonna be tough. Seriously - what the hell kind of commercial is this? You’ve got some weird bear getting ready to go at it with a smoking hot bikini-clad doe, and all these zebras are shooting off Orangina cannons all over some slutty-looking octopus, and then the sexy panda’s top falls off and you’re like, “Wait… WHAT?! SLOW DOWN!” Unless you’re French, in which case you’re probably used to companies using implied interspecial anthropormorphic sex to sell orange soda.

Can you imagine if this aired on American television during the Super Bowl? There would be rioting in the streets, but the rioting would be all slow and strangely erotic because everyone would be too horny and confused to riot properly, their minds clouded with weird fantasies about sexy pandas and exotic new brands of soda. What I’m saying is that I think it could be a hit, although I might suggest the following tweaks to prepare this spot for American primetime:

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Tesla Coils Playing Mario Bros

If I had a time machine, I’d travel back in time, pick up Nikola Tesla and take him to the “2007 Lightning on the Lawn Teslathon.” I’d give him a beer, sit him down in one of those folding camping chairs, give him a clap on the back and say, “You’ve come a long way, baby.” Then the Super Mario Bros. theme song would start playing and the lightning would be shooting all over the place and that dude would scream “YEAHHHH!!!” and Nikola would turn to me with a quizzical look on his face.

Then I’d take him back to the time machine, go back in time a few hours and show him Super Mario Bros. so he actually knows what it is.

Then I’d take him back to the Teslathon and the dude would scream “YEAHHHH!!!” and Nikola would probably feel pretty good about himself for a minute. Maybe he didn’t invent the Tesla Coil as a novelty, but at least people were enjoying themselves, screaming “YEAHHHH!!!” and hooting and hollering. But then a few seconds later, everyone would fall silent and a general sense of boredom would sweep over the crowd. Everyone would watch the Tesla Coils playing their little tune and yawn, and then Nikola would turn to me and be like “Hey, uhh, listen - I’ve got some experiments to wrap up and stuff,” and I’d take him back to his lab, where he would promptly destroy all of his schematics and die in obscurity.

Only I would know of the man that was Nikola Tesla, but alas, I’d be too busy partying in outer space and too drunk on futuristic booze to tell anyone about him. That’s the problem with time machines right there: the futuristic outer space parties are just too good to pass up.

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