Well, the 25th has come and gone, and for those of us destined to ascend to Heaven come Rapture, that meant Christmas (Sorry 85% of Cracked readers, but according to this book here, Jews burn).

The details of my own Yuletide celebration are too involved and heroic to relate here, but suffice to say Disney has acquired my likeness rights for the upcoming straight-to-DVD featurette Michael Saves Christmas.

But now that the carols have all been sung, the halls undecked, and our gay apparel stowed tastefully our of sight, only one thing remains to fill our souls with the fading warmth of the Season: our shitty, shitty presents.

Now, because my Mom occasionally reads this blog, and because I actually needed them, I’m going to go ahead and say that I truly appreciated the socks and underwear I received this year (not a joke). But, there’s no arguing that opening a series of small, soft packages filled with cloth can fail to impart that certain thrill that runs through a young man’s body when he gets, say, an N64 for Christmas.

And that got me thinking: there are a number of you out there who read this thing (at least eight, judging from the comments), and I’m betting some of you got presents even shittier than mine.

Well, now’s your chance to share that pain with the world, and probably get zinged appropriately. Consider it a group therapy session, or just a way for me to make myself feel better about the thirteen pairs of dress socks I will now be wearing to all family functions.

Let the whining commence!

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Three Layers of Zwarte Piet

Christmas might be behind us, but I think this video of Zwarte Piet kicking some kid in the face transcends the holiday season.

There are three layers to understanding why this 12 second video is funny. I have some time to kill right now, so I’d be more than happy to walk you through them if you’re interested.

Zwarte Piet (aka Black Pete) is a black slave from Spain who was emancipated by the Dutch Santa Claus (Sinterklaas). Rather than enjoy his freedom alone, he opted instead to accompany Saint Nick on his travels. If Dutch children are good, Zwarte Piet will bring them presents. If they’re bad, he’ll “stuff them in his huge dufflebag and spirit them away to Spain.” That is the first layer.

To continue the grand tradition of Zwarte Piet, the Netherlands have to embrace institutionalized minstrel shows. That’s the second layer in a nutshell.

The third layer is the fact that a kid gets kicked in the face. I’m not sure if that constitutes its own layer of hilarity, but even if it’s just two layers total I’m pretty sure this video is still hilarious. You know - because foreign cultures are weird and it’s funny when kids get kicked in the face.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Japan’s Dreaming Of A Weird Christmas

With all this talk lately about green energy, I think it’s high time we start seriously considering electric eels as viable sources of clean energy. If all it takes is one eel to power your Christmas tree this year, then all you’d need to host an awesome holiday party would be one extra eel to power the stereo, a few more for the fridge, TV, and karaoke machine, and maybe a little one for the doorbell. You know - so you’ll know when the guests show up. Tell everyone to come around 9:30. That should leave you plenty of time to drive your creepy eel-powered car down to the pet store to buy a whole shitload of eel food.

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In a move that shocked no one, China recalled another defective product this week. The twist this time is that the product was a children’s toy called Aquadots, and the minor defect was that they are coated with the date rape drug.

Frankly, I’m having trouble believing this wasn’t intentional. Tiny pill-shaped pellets coated in roofies and sold to American children? We’ve either got a lot more to fear from the Chinese than we thought or a lot less, because their toy manufacturers are clearly either evil or retarded, and I wouldn’t rule out both at this point.

But honestly, what were they thinking? There’s no market for this product. Do you know how easy it is to get a kid drunk? All you need is like a thimble of Glenlivvet, not some fancy toy-pill.

The worst/best part is that in their official apology, the manufacturers apologized for “damaging the ‘Made in China’ label during the Christmas season.” THAT’S how devoted to industry the Chinese are.

Look, China, it’s fine if you drug my son. Hell, if I didn’t break out the Nyquil now and again I’d never get a full night’s sleep. But at least apologize for doing it, and not for hurting your country’s GNP.

On the plus side, Aquadots are now selling for hundreds of dollars apiece on eBay to frat houses across the country.

Jones Soda has always offered some odd flavors. I’m a fan of Sweet Potato, and a rabid opponent (based on principle, not flavor) of Antacid. They’ve continually expanded the boundaries of chemically induced flavor approximations, becoming second only to Jelly Bellys in their ability to fool my tongue into thinking I’m tasting a food that I most certainly am not.

But with their new Christmas and Hanukkah packs, they’ve finally gone too far. It’s as if the guys who choose their flavors decided to intentionally spit in the eye of God with flavors so inherently unnatural, I wouldn’t be surprised if drinking them caused an instant interest in stem cell research.

The heretical Christmas-themed flavors are as follows:

And the Hanukkah pack doesn’t show any more promise:

It’s brilliant marketing really. No one can resist trying a disgusting food at least once, and that’s all they need to make their filthy lucre. Hell, I’m talking shit about them right now, but you can bet your ass I’ll be trying each and every one of them, if only to spit them out and yell “Jesus, it’s exactly as terrible as I imagined it would be.”

In that spirit, and in the hopes of receiving some sort of royalty check down the line, may I suggest the following sets of equally terrible Holiday-themed flavors?

Let’s face it—summer is over. The beach balls have been put away, the sand cleaned from your Real Doll’s crevices, sun-dappled memories of seaside love have given way to restraining orders and police visits, and autumn has arrived, bringing with it that most undesired stretch of calendar: celebrity Christmas album release season.

Christmas joy arrives early this year for millions of Josh Groban fans as 143/Warner/Reprise Records announces the release of ‘Noel,’ the artist’s long anticipated classic recording of holiday songs… The collection of holiday songs on ‘Noel’ include such classics as “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” with Josh on acoustic piano, “Silent Night”, “Little Drummer Boy”, “O Come All Ye Faithful” with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and “Ave Maria”… In addition, the haunting version of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” features messages from troops stationed overseas. “I was inspired by all the Christmases I’ve been fortunate enough to celebrate with my family over the last 26 years,” commented Groban.

Oh—that was “Christmas joy” I felt arriving! I thought it was unimaginable horror coupled with a raging urinary tract infection, but the sensations are so similar, you can understand why I might be mistaken.

In any case, if you’re looking for ways to ring in the pre-holiday cheer until Mr. Groban’s fresh droppings are available, please consider the following activities, which are guaranteed to be almost as much fun:

* making a delicious frozen dessert out of yellow snow;
* ramming candy canes into your eye-sockets;
* chowing down on a box of glass Christmas balls;
* watching hundreds of hours of barely-legal reindeer porn;
* roasting Josh Groban over an open fire; or
* getting molested by Santa Claus (again).