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Chinese Democracy on The Cracked Blog

Dr. Pepper, Axl Rose and a Completely Unrelated Video: The Friday Nooner (EST)!

Friday, March 28th, 2008

A Couple Of Things

I spend a lot of time thinking about time machines. More specifically, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I would like to go back in time and witness firsthand if I had one. A bear-baiting event, Zeppelin live at Earls Court and the Boston Molasses Disaster all used to seem like obvious first stops, but after reading this headline this morning I’m not so sure anymore:

Dr Pepper Will Give Everyone* in America a Free Soda If Axl Rose Releases New Guns N’ Roses Album, Chinese Democracy, In 2008 (*Guitarists Slash and Buckethead Will Not Be Eligible For Free Soda)

Fuck bear-baiting, fuck molasses, and fuck the greatest rock concerts of the 20th century1 - I’d rather go back in time two months, hide behind a coat rack in a conference room at Dr. Pepper corporate headquarters, and listen in on what must have been the most hilariously misguided marketing department meeting of all time. According to the press release:

“It took a little patience to perfect Dr Pepper’s special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love,” said Jaxie Alt, director of marketing for Dr Pepper. “So we completely understand and empathize with Axl’s quest for perfection – for something more than the average album. We know once it’s released, people will refer to it as “Dr Pepper for the ears” because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds - an instant classic.”

I understand the thinking behind this campaign - it’s bizarre and random and just the kind of thing that those KUH-RAZY interweb bloggers love to repost and give free viral buzz (case in point) - but it’s too bad that whoever came up with this one doesn’t read the Cracked blog; we broke the Chinese Democracy story back in November, and if they’d been reading us back then, they’d know that Chinese Democracy is already slated for release in 2008. I’d be completely shocked if the thing actually came out, of course, but still - how awesome would it be if it actually came out and Dr. Pepper owed everyone in America a soda (except Slash and Buckethead)? With a current population of 300 million, assuming each can of soda costs Dr. Pepper one penny, that means this publicity stunt could end up costing them $3 million (or $2,999,999.98 if you subtract Slash and Buckethead). I can’t wait to see how this turns out. Like I literally can’t wait. Fuck - does anyone have a time machine?

Oh - and here’s a video of a midget sliding on his face.

1 Warning: Do not actually fuck any of these things.

Posted in Advertising, Chinese Democracy, Guns N' Roses, Nooners, Products, Video | 25 Comments »

GnR’s Chinese Democracy Finally Available For Pre-Order, Ridicule

Thursday, October 4th, 2007

Whether you’re a longtime Guns N’ Roses fan or just someone who enjoys watching bands fade into pathetic late-career irrelevance, time to break out your credit card and reserve your copy of Chinese Democracy - after more than a decade of recording it’s finally available for pre-order on Amazon UK! Calling this band GnR might be kind of a stretch, though: The band has seen tons of lineup changes since starting work on the record (back in 1994!), and Axl is currently the only original member in the band. Besides, can you really call a band with a logo like that Guns N’ Roses?! What’s up with that font? Did Axl get really into anime or something? From the looks of him, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he’d been sitting in his mom’s basement in Lafayette, Indiana for the last decade eating Funyuns and watching Ghost in the Shell over and over and over again.

But it’s not fair to judge a band by its logo. What better way to give Chinese Democracy the chance it deserves than by listening to its title track?

Okay… that was really awful. Did you guys hear that? How does over a decade of tinkering and fine-tuning result in such a terrible product? Is Axl simply overthinking it? Is he trying too hard to sound like the radio-friendly rock bands that are popular today? Could it be that Axl has (gasp) lost his “edge”?

I say none of the above. My theory? The drastic decline in the quality of GnR guitarist nicknames has caused a similar decline in the quality of their music. Need evidence? See for yourself:

Guitarist #1: Slash (1985-1996)

Name’s Origins: “It was a family friend who nicknamed Saul Hudson “Slash”. He said Slash was always in a hurry, zipping around from one thing to another.” (from Slash’s “official” fan site)

Awesomeness of Name (out of 10): 9

Awesomeness of Records Played on (out of 10): 9

Guitarist #2: Buckethead (2000-2006)

Name’s Origins: “I was eating chicken out of a bucket that my dad brought home. It wasn’t a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket either. It said “Deli Chicken” on the outside. I was eating it, and I put the mask on and then the bucket on my head. I went to the mirror. I just said ‘Buckethead. That’s Buckethead right there.’ It was just one of those things.” (from gnrsource.com)

Awesomeness of Name (out of 10): 1

Awesomeness of Records Played on (out of 10): 1

Guitarist #3: Bumblefoot (2006-present)

Seriously… Bumblefoot. Check out his guitar.

Name’s Origins: “A dozen years ago I was hangin’ with my gal while she was studying veterinary medicine. One of the bird diseases was called Bumblefoot - one of the treatments was to rub hemorrhoid cream on the bird’s foot. I was quite touched by this, and redirected my entire life on a new path.” (from guitar9.com)

Awesomeness of Name(out of 10): 0

Awesomeness of Records Played on (out of 10): 0

QED, bitches. How are you gonna argue with math?

Posted in Chinese Democracy, Guns N' Roses, Music | 7 Comments »