Hey, remember this guy?

You can call him crazy, but he did something more extreme than anything you or I (especially you) would ever even consider doing for anything, except possibly to bring about the creation of a triple-stuffed oreo.

But he did it for Tibetan independence, one of the last remaining “classic” causes. The slogan “Free Tibet” has been around so long that when you see it on someone’s shirt you can’t be sure whether they’re a political activist or just bought it at Busted Tees as an ironic throwback.

It’s been decades since then, and a couple thousand hippie love-ins, a few roasted monks and one The Golden Child later, Tibet is still under imperial rule.

Well, it must be the full moon or something, because shit is getting serious again. I’ll recap:

It’s kind of hard to sound sincere harping on something so obvious but for fuck’s sake already: FREE TIBET. China, unless you’ve got some desperate need for a supply of cheap yellow robes, you have no reasonable excuse for what you are doing.

Now they’re fighting back, and you take it as an excuse to call them “insurgents?” What the fuck were they for the last thirty years of totally peaceful protest? You suck, your coal mines suck, and your quality control guys need to get a serious talking to before they just start sending us crates of poison gas.

Remember that monk. He fucking DID that. Our founding fathers did a lot of shit for our independence, but they sure as hell didn’t light themselves on goddamned fire. This guy knows what he wants, in a way and to a degree that should get your attention, if not your respect.

And China can call him an “arsonist” all they want; he’s still way more badass than John McClane walking over the shards of glass at the end of Die Hard.

Although McClane would probably still win in a fight. Unless the flaming monk managed a good pin early on, but then it’d just be sort of a tie.

But I digress…FREE TIBET!

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael practices self-immolation as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Last night, the official lighting of the Olympic torch for the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics was disrupted by activists, who were protesting either torches, China’s human rights record, or both. This disruption follows several weeks of protests in the part of China called Tibet where many are upset over the fact that Tibet is in the part of China called Tibet, and not somewhere else. Depending on whether you ask the Chinese government or someone who isn’t lieing, anywhere from 30 to 130 people have already died there, a situation that probably won’t improve when the army is sent in to “crush” them.

Yes, that’s the Chinese state paper that said “crush” in reference to protesters, and no, I don’t know if the Chinese have a term for “faux pas.” Also, Holy Shit.

All of this has re-ignited the debate about whether, given China’s long history of human rights “whoopsies,” it was a smart idea to award the Olympics to Beijing in the first place, and whether it might be a good idea to boycott the games now. The idea being that any such boycott would in theory be of such embarrassment to China that they’d stop silencing/imprisoning/killing their citizens immediately, or at least feel really bad about it for awhile. And instead of watching the Olympics this August, the rest of the world would focus their attention on some other progressive and pro-human rights endeavor, unless Bono wanted to be involved, in which case we’d probably just do nothing.

One argument against such a boycott is that by doing so we’ll be punishing innocent athletes who have nothing to do with China’s adorable idiosyncrasies. I do sympathize with the athletes here; devoting years of your life towards the fucking discus must suck enough as is. Then to have your one chance at 15 seconds of lukewarm fame snatched away before you can even get your unnecessarily heavy disc out of its holster… well… that is legitimately heartbreaking. But let’s face it: in the grand scheme of things, the welfare of a billion Chinese is probably more important than the personal glory of a handful of athletes. Hell, the menu at Taco Bell probably has more bearing on the mental health and well-being of the world than the fate of some Olympic athletes.

Another argument against a boycott is that the Olympics shouldn’t be turned into a political tool. Yesterday, International Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge announced that the IOC was not a political organization, and refused to allow the Olympics to become part of a political discussion on China’s human rights issues. That’s patently ridiculous of course, because in practically the same sentence he also said that he hoped that by awarding the Olympics to Beijing, the games would serve as a catalyst for change in China - an entirely political act. The idea that the Olympics should be political right up until the point that being political becomes politically inconvenient is perhaps the most political sentiment I’ve ever heard. Also, confusing.

Nevertheless, there doesn’t seem to be any serious danger of a boycott going forward, given that most of the arguments for one are coming from disheveled looking Tibetans, and most of the arguments against come from tie-wearing Olympic executives, who are often standing behind important looking podiums. Like most Cracked writers, my personal fashion sense can be broadly classified as “wartime refugee” so I similarly don’t expect my arguments to make much dent in the Olympic juggernaut. I just wanted to rap at you for a bit, and also take an unnecessary swing at Bono.

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Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.

In a move that shocked no one, China recalled another defective product this week. The twist this time is that the product was a children’s toy called Aquadots, and the minor defect was that they are coated with the date rape drug.

Frankly, I’m having trouble believing this wasn’t intentional. Tiny pill-shaped pellets coated in roofies and sold to American children? We’ve either got a lot more to fear from the Chinese than we thought or a lot less, because their toy manufacturers are clearly either evil or retarded, and I wouldn’t rule out both at this point.

But honestly, what were they thinking? There’s no market for this product. Do you know how easy it is to get a kid drunk? All you need is like a thimble of Glenlivvet, not some fancy toy-pill.

The worst/best part is that in their official apology, the manufacturers apologized for “damaging the ‘Made in China’ label during the Christmas season.” THAT’S how devoted to industry the Chinese are.

Look, China, it’s fine if you drug my son. Hell, if I didn’t break out the Nyquil now and again I’d never get a full night’s sleep. But at least apologize for doing it, and not for hurting your country’s GNP.

On the plus side, Aquadots are now selling for hundreds of dollars apiece on eBay to frat houses across the country.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Shao Lin Xiao Zi (Translation: Little Boy What Punches Yer Face In)

When I was 7 years old I used to do moves like this all the time. The only difference was that I was doing them in a carpeted living room in Skokie, Illinois instead of in front of an epic mountain range at a Shaolin temple in China. Oh - and it looked like absolute garbage. Maybe that’s because I had no formal training whatsoever and a completely sedentary lifestyle.

I’m not a kid anymore, but I’d bet you dollars to dojos that this kid could fight his way from one US coast to the other and annihilate pretty much anyone he encountered. Dude can do the splits and bang his head on the ground and all kinds of crazy crap; do you really think he’s gonna have a problem mowing through a couple hundred thousand pasty, flabby Americans? We’ll be all “Awww, look at him meditating in his little pajamas.” Then his eyes will open and he’ll be all “AIEEEEE!” and that will be the last thing you ever see. We need to keep this kid off of American soil. Seriously.

And you wonder why China is the next global superpower. Even their CHILDREN can murder you.

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How many times have you opened your copy of the Outer Topeka Daily Anti-Semite looking for a quick diversion, only to find weighty stories of global chaos and economic catastrophe? Well, my friends, I refuse to believe my grandfather died fighting the Huns on the shores of Luxembourg or wherever so that any man, woman, child, or transsexual should feel obligated to read anything important, ever. That’s not my America.

Therefore, it is with this in mind that I hereby inaugurate a new feature, wherein I scour the netwaves for those news stories that are the most absolutely, positively unnecessary, and share them with you, so that you may bask happily in their complete and total irrelevance to your lives. Let’s begin!

The Legend of Octo-Girl: Despite the fact that public demand for superheroes is at an all-time high, one potential crime-fighting natural wonder is about to be nipped in the bud. This amazing Indian child (secret identity: “Lakshmi”) was born with two times the arms, two times the legs, and eight times the charm of a normal baby. Tragically, misguided doctors plan to remove this adorable tot’s extra limbs long before she has a chance to grow into a teenage mutant ninja cephalopod with a thirst for justice.

Kim Cattrall Begs Nephew Not To Go To Iraq: Kim Cattrall, who in my mind is always wearing her sexy Big Trouble in Little China outfit, has been trying to convince her nephew to say “thanks but no thanks” to fighting in Iraq. (We’re still fighting in Iraq? Where have I been?) So far, her main method of persuasion has been to send the 18-year-old gruesome articles and photographs from the conflict. If I were in the young soldier’s position (which I would never be—fallen arches, bad eyesight, and a note from my doctor confirming that I’m a coward), I would respond by immediately trying to convince Auntie Kim to not appear in the new Sex in the City movie by sending her grisly closeups of her own wrinkles.

Great Wheel of China: The Chinese, who are continuing to kick our asses at everything from giant/midget comedy teams to sheer multitude of Wangs, have upped the ante once again by unveiling plans for the world’s largest Ferris Wheel (or as Rosie O’Donnell would say… well, let’s not get into that). If my wild speculations are true, the 700-ft. tall wheel will include such features as:

• a constant deafening soundtrack of patriotic songs;
• high-powered safety showers to remove lead dust (no more than every five minutes);
• a top-of-the-wheel “Lil’ Mao’s Family Fun and Anti-Imperialist Re-education Center”; and
• one bathroom break near the end of the 6.5 hour ride, available at the low cost of your pledge of eternal allegiance to the Glorious People’s Revolution

It’s no secret that the People’s Republic of China and the United States have been in a bit of a pissing contest for global domination since the fall of Gorbachevland—both sides have their pros and cons, and history will show whether America, with its freedom of press, religion, and erotic “Battlestar Galactica” fan-fiction, will triumph over our competitors to the east, with their cheap labor, catchy songs like “Generations Remember the Great Kindness of Chairman Mao,” and unquestioned dumpling superiority.

However, the Chinese recently fired a major shot across our national bow by staging the meeting shown above, captured by Yahoo News:

He Pingping (R), a 2′ 5″ man, adjusts his suit as he shakes hands with Bao Xishun (L), a 7′ 9″ herdsman listed by the Guinness World Records as the tallest living man, in Baotou, north China’s Inner Mongolia Autonomous Region…

Aside from the fact that He Pingping’s parents should be ashamed of themselves for giving their son such a racist and derogatory name, the meaning of this photo-op is clear: the Chinese are pulling ahead in the most important race of all: Guinness World Records. Add these tallest and shortest men to what I assume are their existing distinctions for Greatest Wall, Leadiest Toys, and Most Wangs, and it’s no wonder the U.S. is being left in the dust, records-wise.

So readers, I ask you: what great potential records are within our nation’s grasp? Do we have a shot at:

• “World’s Pastiest Jiggly Fat Kids”?
• “Most Meandering Plot in a TV Show About Castaways”?
• “Slowest Postal Employees”?
• “Most Starbucks Locations per Square Inch (Currently 7.8)”?
• “Celebrity Most in Need of Panties”? or
• “President Most Suited to a Guest Appearance on Hee-Haw”?

Leave your suggestions in the comments. The status of America as World’s Most Totally Kickass F*%#ing Nation depends on it.