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Old Men, Glasses and The Most Underreported News of 2007: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Thursday, December 20th, 2007

Awesome Video Of The Day

Old Man Goes Nuts In A Car Wash

One time I broke my antenna off in a car wash. I had the stereo on and didn’t really think about it, and then when I got out the thing was hanging by a thread over the side of the car. The radio still gets decent reception, but I guess I would have preferred to keep the antenna attached. Maybe if I’d noticed that it was getting destroyed I would have done something about it. You know - like go completely fucking insane and destroy my entire car.

According to the internet (or more specifically, the video description from Break.com, which seems like a reliable and accurate source to me), the police report said the “old” guy in this video “went nuts” when he realized he had lost his glasses. It doesn’t make it clear if he lost them inside the car or in the car wash itself, but either way I don’t think this reaction would really solve anything. Unless your goal was to blow up on YouTube, figure out a way to monetize your newfound celebrity, and use the money to buy some new glasses. In which case you’re a visionary genius and probably not the type to lose your glasses in the first place.

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Posted in Celebrities, Celebrity News, Idiots, News, Nooners, Video | 16 Comments »

Electric Eels, Christmas Trees and Autograph Magazine Totally Exists: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Wednesday, December 19th, 2007

Awesome Video Of The Day

Japan’s Dreaming Of A Weird Christmas

With all this talk lately about green energy, I think it’s high time we start seriously considering electric eels as viable sources of clean energy. If all it takes is one eel to power your Christmas tree this year, then all you’d need to host an awesome holiday party would be one extra eel to power the stereo, a few more for the fridge, TV, and karaoke machine, and maybe a little one for the doorbell. You know - so you’ll know when the guests show up. Tell everyone to come around 9:30. That should leave you plenty of time to drive your creepy eel-powered car down to the pet store to buy a whole shitload of eel food.

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Posted in Animals, Celebrities, Christmas, Global Warming, Nooners, Video | 14 Comments »

At What Point Can We Consider Social Darwinism Reversed?

Monday, December 10th, 2007

Here’s Jessica Sierra, performing the king of all lame metaphor songs “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on American Idol in 2005:

Now here she is three days ago, right after getting arrested for fighting with three cops outside a club in Tampa:

Besides her radical, Madonna-esque reinvention as a meth-chic diva, how has Sierra helped nurture her stellar career in the music industry? Well, there was the obligatory sex tape, complete with yet another photo (right) that I’m sure has a special place on the Sierra family’s mantle.

Alright kids, who wants to watch that have sex?! See, when I watch it, it’s research for an article. When you people do it, it’s sick.

But the thing that elevates Jessica far above your average, ordinary self-destructing non-celebrity is contained in the last sentence of the AP article covering her most recent arrest:

“She entered a California rehab facility in July that was to be documented on VH1’s reality show “Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew” next year.”

The woman, or rather the Producer maliciously filming her unstoppable downward spiral to fill a couple hours in VH1’s programming schedule, is a marketing genius. After all, the only thing we like better than watching another human being elevated above the common throng and singled out by Paula Abdul for their extraordinary talent is watching someone ground so thoroughly under God’s boot heel (God has a Western thing) that this happens to them:

In related news, look for these exciting reality shows on VH1 next season!

  • TMZ TV: Paris Hilton Cries for Twenty-two Minutes
  • The Anna Nicole Show: Tasteless Death Clips Edition
  • Flava of Prostate Cancer
  • My Super Sweet Secret Abortion
  • I Love New York 8: Cold and Alone
  • Hogan Knows the Pain of a Failed Marriage

    • Posted in Celebrities, Jessica Sierra, News, Rehab, Television, VH1 | 11 Comments »

    Reasons Hulk Hogan’s Wife Filed for Divorce

    Monday, December 3rd, 2007
  • She came to realize the phrase “Hogan Knows Best” is accurate only in the context of how to reverse a figure four leglock.
  • He insisted on having old announcer buddies narrate their rough sex sessions.
  • He was never emotionally available to her, the kids had finally grown, and he refuses to wear sleeves.
  • The trauma of their son’s reckless driving arrest drove her to question their parenting skills aloud, to which Hogan replied by flexing angrily and growing a ludicrous mustache.
  • His steroid-shriveled testicles and steroid-engorged everything else.
  • The entire 24-year marriage was a sham; in reality, she was in league with the NWO all along and now she and Kevin Nash are banging like Bonobo Monkeys.
  • One day she saw him without his bandana and realized he’s not only bald, but has what dermitologists indelicately refer to as “the scabby scalp.”
  • VH1 execs noticed a ratings dip last season, and cutting the brake lines on Nick’s car didn’t boost the numbers as much as they’d hoped.
  • It’s been a month since Hulkamania ran wild all over her, and when it did it took an hour of sensual massage, a fistful of Viagra, and absolute silence.
  • She has the Internet:

    • Posted in Celebrities, Divorce, Hulk Hogan, News | 18 Comments »

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