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Nobody Ever Said Parenting Was Going To Be Easy: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

Girl’s Mom Is A Stupid Fucking Idiot

You know what is the absolute worst? When your stupid fucking mom gives you your brand new Lexus ON THE WRONG DAY. Seriously. How hard is it to get that right, mom? Buy me the Lexus, throw me the party, then give me the Lexus ON THE DAY OF THE PARTY. Do I have to write it down for you? Christ.

That’s why I don’t understand why this video is titled “Spoiled Girl Cries Over Getting A Lexus.” The problem isn’t that she’s spoiled; it’s that her STUPID FUCKING IDIOT of a mother can’t get the timing right.

You only turn 15 once. Most people get married more than once these days, so in a way, a 15th birthday is more special than a wedding. Considering that, I think it’s totally understandable that this girl would want it to be absolutely perfect, and what could make your party more perfect than receiving a $60,000 gift that you aren’t legally allowed to drive yet? It WOULD’VE been perfect, I guess… you know, if mom hadn’t gone and fucked everything up. When you see shitty parenting like that it’s just about enough to make you puke.

So when you read YouTube comments that say things like:

“Fucking. Stupid. Whore. I would fuck her up.” - Suprcassanova

“Oh my god she cried for that? I hope you read this CHOKE ON A F*CKING DOG’S COCK spoiled bitch” - nefasto80

“I hope she gets pregnant.” - RIShearer1985

Just remember that they’re all misdirected. And if you’re a 15 year old girl who cries when you receive a luxury car for your birthday, think about this video, reassure yourself that your mom is a total bitch who wants to ruin your life, then tell her you hate her and cry your little eyes out. You earned it, little princess!

Posted in Cars, Idiots, Nooners, Rich People, Teenagers, Video | 80 Comments »

How Idiots Pull Down Palm Trees: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

Some Idiot Gets Exactly What He Deserves

I’m not trying to make a joke when I say that I love stupid people. They’re way more likeable than smart people, plus they’re always asking really simple questions that I know the answers to. I’m no rocket scientist myself, but if you’re going to hang out with me, I humbly ask that you be A) moderately attractive, and B) dumb as rocks. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship: I get to feel good about myself for helping you out, and you get to find out what burritos are. It works out for everyone.

That being said, I’m pretty sure I’d get along great with this guy. And you know what? It’d be for the best. He’d say, “Hey Ross - I think I’m gonna pull that palm tree down with my truck,” and I’d say, “Which one? The huge one in your yard?” and he’d say, “Yeah, that one.” Then I’d say, “How?” and he’d say, “With a cable,” and I’d say, “Oh. Yeah, that sounds like a good way to do it,” because I don’t really know anything about pulling down giant palm trees. Then I’d say, “Whoa, dude - are you okay?” and he’d say, “Yeah… why didn’t you tell me not to do that?” and I’d say, “Sorry, dude. I don’t know anything about pulling down giant palm trees.”

We’d probably be pretty hungry by then, so I’d say, “Let’s go get some burritos,” and he’d say “What’s a burrito? I’ve never even heard of those before.” I’d say, “Get in the car - I’ll explain on the way,” but we’d have to take my car because his would be all smashed in.

And a good time would be had by all.

Posted in Cars, Idiots, Nooners, Video | 48 Comments »

A Knight to Remember

Thursday, December 13th, 2007

kr1.jpgProviding new evidence for the theory that the American entertainment complex will never produce another original idea again, NBC has once more reanimated the putrid corpse of one of your cherished childhood memories and will proudly display this unholy monstrosity to the world this February under the bastard name of “Knight Rider.”

The movie-and-possibly-series is going to star a bunch of young hotties with fake boobs and chiseled abs who will no doubt bring an “extreme” edge to the show, in order to appeal to the 18-29 year-old braniacs who read magazines like Maxim and Leathertits and drink that Coke with nicotine in it or whatever which the show’s advertisers are so desperate to attract.

Also joining the (extreme) fun will be a middle-aged sometime-actor named David Hasselhoff, who I’ve never heard of but who apparently achieved minor internet celebrity this year due to an entertaining video of the shirtless man engaged in a sensuous embrace with a chicken sandwich, lovingly filmed by his adoring daughter.

But the real stars of the show are bound to be the cars:

The three cars to be employed in the series include the KITT Hero—a Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR that is playing the part of the everyday Hero car with 540 horsepower; the KITT Attack—a super high-speed version of the Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR Hero car that transforms into Attack mode with the help of air-ride technology and specialized body parts—and a KITT Remote, which is a driverless Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR version of the Hero vehicle.

… all of which will be available on eBay shortly after the show’s cancellation after three episodes (and replacement with “Law & Order: Spoiled Cheese Unit”).

So for the right price, you’ll then be able to say, “KITT, go pick up my stupid family,” and the car will happily drive out of a truck’s butt and take over all your most hated chores while you slowly grow deeper into the folds of your couch and await the premiere of “Airwolf 2008.”

Posted in Cars, David Hasselhoff, TV | 13 Comments »