I’m Typing This From Inside a Fire
Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
In case you don’t live in the best part of America: the best part of America is currently aflame. Yet, though tongues of searing death lap feverishly at my windows, I blog on, intrepid as ever. As the only CRACKED blogger with the ability to report from within the firewall, I figured I should shed a little light on the subject. Or as much light as can be shed, considering the impenetrable, unbroken sheet of ash that rains down on our very heads.
First of all, a debt of gratitude is owed to the general SoCal population, who have donated so much food, water, and other goods to the relief effort that not only are the 500k and climbing evacuees well-fed, they are in fact unpleasantly full and lethargic, and wish to be left alone on the couch to watch Nascar while they digest.
Are you paying attention Africa? Catch on fire and the food will start pouring in. It just goes to show you that people are basically altruistic after all, and anyone who says otherwise is a fuckface who deserves to die in a fire.
And I hate to be the guy who brings Global Climate Change into every discussion, but they did warn us. Those of you reading from the Mississippi delta (AKA “The third best part of America”) should watch out as well. Please note that the above sources aren’t totally credible, as they are the first things that came up on Google. I hope you’ll forgive me if my research is lacking this week: I’M ON FIRE.
Okay, maybe not directly, but my life has without question been impacted by the disaster. For one, my fiancee’s parents stayed here overnight, forcing me to sleep on the floor in the living room. Secondly, the play I’m producing had to take a one-day break from rehearsing because our space got shut down. I’m telling you, it’s like Hell. Thankfully, the parents have relocated to a friend’s empty condo, so we’ve got our bed back. Your prayers, it seems, were fruitful.
In the meantime, I feel it’s my civic duty to draw this readership’s attention to a startling and disturbing fact. If you look below (click this link for a better view), you’ll notice something utterly shocking: the fire WON’T GO INTO MEXICO.
If you know anyone with FEMA or you are President of the United States (I know you read my blog Mr. Bush; I got your last cookie bouqet), I urge you to strike a deal with our neighbors to the South, either to allow our evacuees to head to Tecate or to give us the secret of their awesome firefighting prowess. My only guess is that it’s got something to do with their fine, zesty beer. Also possibly a water sombrero of some sort.
Soldier on, Southern California. My thoughts and dry goods are with you.
