Awesome Video Of The Day

Some Band Called Squeeze Squeeze Theeze Pleeze Gets Busted Lip-Synching

Whenever I hear about these so-called lip-synching “scandals” it kind of makes me want to kick King Tut in the balls¹. What difference does it make if Britney Spears or Ashlee Simpson are actually singing their songs in concert? They’ve got all that dancing and running around to worry about, and it’s pretty much impossible for them to have the lung capacity to do both. Besides, after all of the processing and production that goes into making a studio album, you could probably make the argument that pop vocalists barely even sing their own songs on their RECORDS, let alone in concert. I know they make like trillions of dollars or whatever, but I still think the expectations we’re setting for our pop stars are a little bit ridiculous.

When I personally go to a concert, yeah, sure, I expect the band to actually perform their songs with real instruments and vocals, but I don’t go to very many Britney Spears concerts (only every once in a while). Britney fans don’t give a shit about musicianship, do they?! Aren’t they just there to see their favorite singer dancing with all the flashing lights behind her and stuff? When you’re in an arena packed with 5,000 screaming 14-year-old girls, you’re probably not going to be able to hear anything anyway, right? Why NOT lip-synch?

I guess I can think of one really good reason not to lip-synch: it’s completely humiliating when you get busted doing it (and completely hilarious to everyone who isn’t you). Particularly when it involves falling off of a stage in front of millions of people. Just ask the guy in this video. I don’t know who Squeeze Squeeze Theeze Pleeze is, but that must have been pretty embarrassing. I hate to give credit to this douche, but the guy played it off about as well as anyone possibly could. By which I mean he didn’t burst into tears and bludgeon himself to death with the microphone in front of a live television audience. I’m pretty sure that’s the “normal” response in that situation.

¹ This is my new favorite expression.

God damn, I’ve written a lot about Britney Spears. When I think of all the time I’ve wasted, all the sands that have flown through the tragically small hourglass that is my limited time on this Earth, while I tip-tapped away on my little keyboard about every last scandal or stupid remark made by this woman, it gives me serious pause.

That’s why, upon learning of her absolutely and totally non-surprising hostage/bathroom/ambulance/suicide-watch meltdown last night, I decided that rather than devote one more of my limited breaths to chronicling Ms. Spears’ Trash Capades, I would solemnly resolve to live out my remaining days breathing the free air of a man who has forever liberated himself from her tyranny (and herpes).

You read that right: I will never write about Britney Spears again.

So today, I will look back at the long journey she and I have taken together, as a means of bringing our blogger/celebriwhore relationship to a merciful close. Our saga begins five long years and four long blogs ago…

November 5, 2003: “Popular singer and ’sex on a stick’ Britney Spears recently sat down, put on her Thinking Bra and answered the hard questions. Unlike all of you ungrateful malcontents, she correctly believes ‘…we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that.’ She then finished the interview by reciting the Lord’s Prayer while engaging in an open-mouthed tongue kiss with interviewer Tucker Carlson.”

January 16, 2004: “Britney Spears—The fried brain of this popular chanteuse is light, fluffy, and resembles a puff pastry. Lightly dusted with powdered Sweet-N-Low, then served on Wonder bread with mayonnaise, sweet relish, and a side of bubble gum.”

January 23, 2004: “Let it be noted that I realize that in twenty years, we’ll be all be listening to a 250-lb. Britney Spears read scripted one-liners about blogs on I Love the Zero-ies.”

March 15, 2004: “Britney Spears’ 115 minutes of fame will end suddenly when audiences realize, mid-Pepsi commercial, that she looks exactly like the butch softball player who threatened to beat them up in 11th-grade P.E.”

(more…)

It’s time once again to shed your worldly concerns about depressing issues like the global warming whatsit, the War on Whatever, the subprime mortgage doodad, and the fact that you had to scavenge your children’s Christmas presents out of dumpsters (after scavenging those dumpsters out of larger dumpsters)—and ease your furrowed brows with the soothing inanity of the Unnecessary News. It’s hypoallergenic, pre-digested, and guaranteed to work gently by morning. So let’s get crack(ed)in’:

Subliminal Huckbertising: Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been accused of flaunting his religion in a campaign ad which featured Huckabee in front of what appeared to be a floating cross. However, a spokesman insisted the imagery was accidental, saying, “it was supposed to be a burning cross!”

Be Niece, Until it Is Time to Not Be Niece: Although Jamie Lynn Spears has confirmed that she is indeed “with child,” older sis and parenting expert Britney is refusing to believe it:

… Hours after the news broke on Tuesday, the troubled pop star dismissed the reports. In video footage posted on TMZ.com, Spears is heard telling the paparazzi, “She’s not. My sister is not pregnant.”

However, Britney’s denial actually fits quite well with her preferred philosophy on children: “If you ignore them, they’ll go away.”

Dohertyshambles: The rock band Babyshambles, which is rumored to be among the front-runners for a 2008 Grammy in the category of “Outstanding Performance by a Group whose Lead Singer Has Banged Kate Moss,” was forced to scrap a recent show early after their beloved crooner Pete Doherty took ill:

Doherty… managed to perform eight tracks with his band before he was forced to leave the stage, insisting he was too sick to continue. The troubled star is alleged to be suffering from a bout of flu, which caused him to vomit and faint backstage.

… incidentally, “flu” is British for “drugs.”

Spears, or B. Spiddy as I affectionately call her, is either the most brilliant self-publicist ever or the most ridiculous buffoon our sad culture can produce. This week she’s in the spotlight for doing what so many pulled-over motorists have dreamed about for years: running over the feet of a police officer. This wouldn’t make her any more extraordinary than most women drivers (ba-zing!) if not for the fact that she already did this less than three weeks ago. Here’s a video of Britney running over the foot of a TMZ photographer in mid-October:

Admittedly, a TMZ photographer is number three on my list of people who I’d like to see publicly maimed (numbers one and two being Hitler and Joey Fatone), but that makes it no less hilarious that Spears can’t make her way through a simple, swarming crowd of rabid press representatives without crushing someone’s feet. I know if I were losing my kids and having every moment of my life scrutinized, I’d do my best to keep from adding misdemeanor charges to the list.

Or, alternately, perhaps Spears is doing this all on purpose, in a bold attempt to divert attention away from the more personal facets of her harrowing life. If so, may I suggest some of the following diversionary tactics?

In other interesting/unbearably sad news, the TMZ guy who got his foot run over sold his sock on ebay for upwards of five hundred clams. This has inspired me to sell some of the items I’ve got laying around the house. Feel free to email me if you or someone you know is willing to pay me hundreds of dollars for any of the following:

That’s right, two pithy lists in one blog entry! The CRACKED Blog: your one-stop shop for comedy in bulk.

Sure Britney may have had a tough few weeks —y’know with officially losing her kids, her career, and her mind— but hope is just around the corner. The celebrity A-Listers have rallied to her defense.

Former Hole frontwoman (and current wetmare fodder) Courtney Love delivered her support in a pithy, but eloquent statement:

I know everything. The DCS in LA is a horror show they are angry … they hated me for my status wealth etc - and they took it out on the kid. Once your in that system it is [expletive] up, so B (Britney) get out! Before you judge walk a mile in her shoes.

I don’t know what that means, but perhaps fellow batshit crooner Sinead O’Conner does, because she took some time out from not being famous to say:

‘I think to attack someone as a mother is very dangerous,’ she said. ‘I would say that’s what puts a young girl on a precipice which is very, very dangerous, in my opinion.’

Solid point. Attacking Britney has put her on a precipice. Not drugs. Not denial. Not her minuscule southern fried brain. Criticism. Well, hey, I’m not picky. Really. Whatever gets her there is totally cool with me.

And while you’re out on that ledge Brits, here are some well wishes I collected for you from the Hollywood elite:

Britney Spears has lost custody of her two accidents children.

Which isn’t too big a deal, because she’s already physically lost the children themselves. Several times.

(See what I did there? I mocked Britney’s parenting prowess and implied that she’s as good a caretaker for her offspring as for her undergarments. That’s called COMEDY GENIUS, ladies and germs.)

Click here to see the delicious photo.

Gentle Reader, my cup overfloweth. For those of you who have in times of trouble doubted the existence of a merciful God, I give you proof. We share the world with not one, but two Dwarf Britney Spears impersonators.

We Jews would say if there had been but one Dwarf Brittney Spears impersonator, ‘dayeinu’, ‘It would have been enough’.

Tera Joel, the original “Mini-Brittney”, (and you cannot image the chill running down my spine just typing that phrase) no longer performs her act at Beacher’s Madhouse, Las Vegas. She has moved on and can now be found as part of the “Little Legends” show at the Harmon Theater in Krave, in what appears to be, forgive me here, a step down. What else can be said of moving to a venue where she will have to share the spotlight with a diminutive Sony Bono?

Apparently, there was some sort of rift with her manager, who has now retained the talents of a little woman known only as ‘New Mini-Britney’.

“We wish the old mini-Britney the best. I have nothing but love and respect for her. But unfortunately show business is show business.  We have a new mini Britney that blows her away, that can sing and dance a thousand times better than her at Beacher’s Madhouse, which is a sold out show.”

I have so many questions. Will one of the Mini-Britneys shave her head and attack a Li’l Kevin Federline’s Mini Cooper on stage? Are their web sites where I can see Thumb nails of a mini-Britney’s tiny privates? And when the Tera Joel, the Original Mini-Britney performs “Oops, I did it again” will the irony become so powerful, it crushes the life out of her audience at “Little Legends”?

    Judge Scott Gordon has ruled that Britney Spears must undergo random drug and alcohol tests to see if she’s fit to be a mother. If her last, glassy-eyed, painful-to-watch performance is any indication, there’s more than a good chance that she will fail those tests, leaving her two children in the sole custody of ex-husband Kevin Federline.

To be honest, I’m psyched because I really feel like I’m finally a part of a pop star’s meltdown. I was born in the late eighties, so I really only caught the tail end of Michael Jackson’s Mutant Train to Sodomy Town, and I wasn’t really old enough for him to be a relevant figure when I was growing up. His transformation didn’t really register with me because the only Jackson I knew was Crazy Jackson.

But Britney? Man, I remember when she was the cock of the god damn walk. I was never a fan, but growing up I certainly understood that she was a Pop Star. She was a super huge deal.

I loved watching her go from Untouchable Superstar to Sinead O’VaginaOnDisplay in record time. Maybe it’s a generational thing, I don’t know. Some people watched Elvis go from super-sexy to fat-sexy and eventually to dead-on-a-toilet-sexy. Some people saw the slow transition from a black superstar to a white pedarest. Me, I got to watch the innocent school girl shave her head and transform into the Weekly World News’s Bat Child. When I watched her bounce around on stage at the VMA’s, like a big hunk of ham in black underwear, I thought “This has got to be the low point.” But now a judge is making her take a drug test to find out if she’s as responsible as Kevin Federline. To really drive this point home, I’d like to close things out by quoting Federline’s “America’s Most Hated” off of 2006’s Playing With Fire:

So I duck and roll
Middle fingers still up sayin’ fuck the globe
And my dawgs still down
We dont trust them hoes
I live life like a King
I was extra stoned
Kevin Federline

Every time we look up (approximately twice a week) Kevin Federline is making another savvy maneuver in his quest to secure custody of he and Britney Spears’ children. His latest move was to subpoena a worker from the Promises rehab clinic, where Spears spent two weeks ranting about the evils of her hair and people touching it. Britney’s latest move meanwhile was to have well publicized, anonymous sex with a college student in a hot tub.

Granted, we’re pretty certain a starving grizzly bear could sue Spears for custody, dunk the children in barbeque sauce instead of making a closing statement and still take them home. But we do have to admit: K Fed isn’t totally fucking this up the way we’d expected. Or his lawyers aren’t. Either way, we haven’t been this wrong about who was the brains behind a doomed partnership since we got a perm the day before Art Garfunkel’s first solo album dropped.