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Hate By Numbers: 6 Things That Pissed Me Off About CNN’s Bikini Teacher Report

Monday, May 5th, 2008

I know DOB only started telling the rest of you last week, but for months now he’s been going on about how he’s going to be the new host of Late Night.

“Segments, Gladstone,” he keeps saying. “I need segments! I can’t keep picking fights with Hannah Montana. That’s going to get old.”

“Going to get old?” I thought, but I felt I owed it to Dan — much in the way you still give money to a homeless woman pretending to be pregnant— you feel so bad that she’s delusional enough to believe she could fool anyone with a pillow under her shirt that you just have to reward the effort.

So I grabbed a recent news story —Tiffany Shepherd, the Florida High School teacher who was fired for working part time as a “bikini-mate” on a charted fishing cruise— and put it through my previously tested numeric hate machine to create a new segment:

Hate By Numbers.

Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE and OVER HERE.

Posted in Breasts, DOB is like a deceitful homeless woman, Hate By Numbers, I hate my co-bloggers, Tiffany Shepherd | 80 Comments »

Fun with Yahoo News Photos

Tuesday, December 18th, 2007

I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m a big fan of Yahoo News Photos. Rarely a day goes by that I don’t get some form of entertainment or edification out of a visit to their pages, whether it’s adorable pictures of an eight-limbed superbaby, or fashion show highlights where you can sort of see somebody’s hoo-hah. But today had such a bumper crop of quality items that I just had to share them with you. Let’s begin!

911_scallops.jpg

Mmmm… succulent deadly terrorist scallops. That looks like the most delicious, butter-drenched national tragedy I’ve seen in a long time.

airline_security.jpg

Above, a passenger waits to pass through one of LAX’s new high-tech airport security stations. (Alternate caption: “Claudia Suarez, the new head of the National Transportation Safety Board, has bold ideas about improving airline security. There’s just one problem: she has to get past La Migra first.”) And finally:

most_viewed.jpg

I honestly have no idea why nipple this photo would be on the is that the right place for a nipple “most viewed” list—after all, it’s giant weird nipple several years old, that particular nipple pointing right at me couple isn’t married anymore, and it’s not a very nipple is scaring me good picture of Ms. Anderson’s face, what with I will never sleep again those big sunglasses. I’m stumped.


Posted in Breasts, Food, News, Pamela Anderson, Terrorism, Travel | 3 Comments »

And He Saw That They Were Good

Thursday, November 15th, 2007

salma_cleave.jpgShe may not be the greatest actress, or director, or producer, but everyone can agree that Salma Hayek has one attribute no one can argue with—her mind.

Specifically, she was smart enough to ask God for some world-class gazongas:

My mom and I stopped at a church during a road trip we were making from our home in Mexico. When we went inside, I prayed for the miracle I wanted to happen. I put my hands in holy water and said: ‘Please God, give me some breasts.’ And he gave me them! Within a few months, I developed a growing spurt, as teenagers do, and I was very pleased with the way I grew outwards.

Unfortunately for her fellow citizens, while the Hombre Upstairs was expertly sculpting Hayek’s tetas del Dios, He was too busy to intervene in the 1985 Mexico City earthquake which killed 9,000 people or Mexico’s crushing quarterfinal loss in the 1986 World Cup, not to mention the tragic death of a small Oaxacan child who was destined to cure cancer and banish world hunger had he not been trampled in 1983 by a herd of rabid llama.

But—¡ay, qué melones!


Posted in Breasts, God, Salma Hayek | 5 Comments »