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Apparently Bill O’Reilly Has ALWAYS Been A Douche: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Wednesday, May 14th, 2008

You know what I’d do with a time machine? Grab a laptop, load up a bunch of websites with people all like “ZOMG BILL O’REILLY IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE” on them, and head back in time to the set of Inside Edition, just a few seconds before this rant happened. Ol’ Billy boy was just your average soft news douche back then, introducing Sting “cuts” with a full head of hair and flipping out on innocent teleprompter operators. The phone booth would shoot out of the floor of the set (because time machines are made out of phone booths - duh), the camerman would yell “CUT!” and O’Reilly would be all “GET THAT FUCKING PHONE BOOTH OFF MY SET!” But then I’d be all “I’mmmmm frrroooommmmm the fuuutttuuuurrreeee” and Bill cower in the corner like “NOOOO!” because, as you probably know, Bill O’Reilly is completely terrified of time travelers who talk like spooky ghosts. Seriously - he’s like the real-life version of a black chef in a 20s movie.

Anyway, once his guard is down I’ll whip out the laptop and show him all the blogs like “ZOMG BILL O’REILLY IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE,” and at first he’ll be like “What does ‘ZOMG’ mean?” and I’ll be like, “Oh yeah - it’s the early 90s and internet slang doesn’t exist yet.” But then I’ll explain to him that none of that matters, and that the important part of the story is that everyone in the future thinks he’s a dick. He’ll probably get all defensive at first, and then he’ll get angry and turn back to the teleprompter and go off on the rant that’s in this video. Then after he’s done with that he’ll start bargaining with me, like “Maybe I can be a dick now and turn into a nicer guy later?” Then he’ll get super sad and cry a little at the craft service table, and then eventually he’ll give up and be like, “Okay, fine - I accept that everyone in the future hates me.” The five stages of grief will be complete, and I’ll nod knowingly, turn around, and start walking back to my phone booth to return to the present.

Then right before I punch in the final number of today’s date on the keypad, Bill O’Reilly will call out to me. “Hey, wait a minute,” he’ll say. “What the hell are all those interconnected pages filled with text, pictures, and clickable hyperlinks?”

I’ll crack the door to the phone booth open and give a sly little wink. “It’s called the internet, Mr. O’Reilly, and pretty much everyone on it thinks you’re dick.”

Posted in Bill O'Reilly, Douchebags, News, Nooners, TV, Video | 36 Comments »

Jon Stewart and Bill O’Reilly Actually Same Person?!

Wednesday, May 14th, 2008

First of all, kudos to the marketing wizard who came up with the headline to this article: “Study Reveals Daily Show a Lot Like O’Reilly.” I can’t think of a headline better formulated to pull in the surfing 18-35 year old liberal male, except possibly “Cast of Saved By The Bell Reunites For Halo Tournament Against World’s Largest Tits.”

What does this mean, grabby headline? Has Stewart betrayed his loyal fanbase and become a frothing Conservative man-baby with a bad combover? Has O’Reilly pulled a reverse-Dennis Miller and become suddenly, inexplicably reasonable? Have you ever actually seen The Daily Show? You get that they’re jokes, right? And that that other asshole’s serious?

Before you start freaking out and replacing the picture of Stewart over your mantle with one of Colbert, know that this intensive “journalism think tank” consisted of a bunch of guys watching a year’s worth of Daily Show episodes and concluding that they have the following things in common:

  • Both men appear on a TV show up to five times a week.
  • Both discuss topics one could define as “political.”
  • Both wear pants while doing so.

    • And even the last one is unverifiable. Frankly, the news to me here is that there are think tanks that involve watching a year’s worth of Daily Show episodes. Of course I originally assumed that by “think tank,” they meant Jerry and Ryan, the interns who agreed to stay late and know how to use bittorrent.

    But NO. This study was performed by none other than the Project for Excellence in Journalism. They’re based in Washington, too, so you know they’re legit. And gentlemen, if I may address you directly: I want in.

    What are my qualifications? Well, right now I get paid to read about celebrities I hate and come up with witty things to say about their genitals. As such, I’m already vastly overqualified for your project.

    Especially with your director throwing out nuggets of insight like “The Daily Show makes serious political commentary, but they use humor to do it.” And my personal favorite “They’re not making jokes about Dan Quayle is dumb or Gerald Ford is clumsy.”

    Really? Because I’m pretty sure the April 18th, 2008 episode was centered largely around footage of Ford missing a golf swing and comically falling onto the green. Plus, didn’t last night’s “Back in Black” have a bit about Quayle’s 1988 White House bid? He yelled about it, I think.

    My point is, pay me to watch The Daily Show, you out-of-touch cocks.

    When not blogging for Cracked, Michael upholds the credo of the Project for Excellence in Journalism with zealous ferocity as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

    Posted in Bill O'Reilly, Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, The O'Reilly Factor | 24 Comments »