Fucking military has fucking Ray Gun. Fuck.
Tuesday, March 4th, 2008
At least that’s what the attention screaming headline of a recent 60 Minutes piece recently declared. if you click on the link you can actually see the 60 Minutes clip in question. I’ll briefly explain its contents here, although I should caution that the speakers on my computer are broken, so I couldn’t hear what was happening:
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Two men meet in a secluded field, in what is quite clearly a pre-arranged sexual rendezvous. One of them is dressed in military fatigues, indicating his aggressive and dominant tendencies. The other fellow has the elongated nostrils of a classic bottom.
A short distance away is a dark van, that looks a little bit like it was designed using the 1980’s era Lego Space collection. The van proceeds to shoot the bottom with some kind of invisible beam, causing him to shudder in ecstasy, his limbs akimbo. The process repeats several times until he screams the safeword, “Candace Bergen.”
Several other people receive the same treatment, including a police officer, a woman, the police officer again, then several men in their underpants. The clip ends before they can disrobe further, the editors at 60 Minutes ever-conscious of the children who might still be watching at this early hour.
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The pedants among you will surely have pointed out by now that this isn’t a ray gun so much as it is a truck mounted distance-tickler, a device that surely can’t be difficult to come by on the streets of downtown Japan. Although it has worthy uses (crowd control, pet-obedience, sabotaging synchronized swimming events) it isn’t really a “ray gun” in the classic sense - i.e. it doesn’t conjure up any images of a Futuristic Sci-Fi Utopia where people walk around in form fitting metallic unitards, while robots serve drinks and pleasure our wives.
So, as a friendly service to 60 Minutes, and the rest of the mainstream media, if you ever want to call something a ray gun again, it should look at least something like one of these:
Failing that, it should at least be able to put a fucking hole in something.
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Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.
