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I drank the Apple punch last September and picked up a shiny new MacBook. I’d been a PC user since I was like 8 years old (386 Packard Bell¹, anyone?), and I have to admit it was kind of a big switch for me. It’s been pretty great so far, but I have to admit that Apple still annoys the crap out of me from time to time. The irritating commercials and the it’s-not-a-computer-it’s-a-lifestyle fanboyism can be a little much for me sometimes, especially during Macworld season, but I’m usually willing to turn a blind eye to all that crap. Know why? Because I’ve had my MacBook for a year and half and I’ve never had to defrag it, that’s why. I’m no Mac purist (I also have an Xbox 360²) - I just like my laptop.

Enter Apple’s NEW laptop, the MacBook Air. It sure is thin, isn’t it? It can even fit inside of an envelope! You must be wondering how they crammed so many features into such a thin, slick-looking laptop. It comes loaded with a headphone jack, a single USB port, AND a micro-DVI port. Can you believe that?! Wow! That means you can hook up your headphones, a USB device, and output the video… AT THE SAME TIME. The future is now! Huzzah!

But let’s not forget that 80 GB hard drive they put in there! That might not sound like a lot at first, but you have to understand something: the MacBook Air doesn’t come with any sort of internal disc drive - you have to buy a separate, external drive for an extra $100 and hook it up through the USB port. That might sound like a pain in the ass, but it’s actually a very clever disc space optimization strategy: by making it a huge pain in the ass to install software or rip CDs and DVDs, that 80 GB hard drive will be a lot harder to fill up. Thanks, Apple! You guys really thought of everything!

And all this for the low price of (starting at) $1799? Have I died and gone to heaven?!

So now you’re probably wondering why a computer with a features set more befitting of a budget laptop is so unbelievably expensive. I was thinking the same thing, but then I realized something: it can fit inside of an envelope. Can YOUR laptop fit inside of an envelope? No? Wow. That must suck. How do you send files to coworkers at work if you can’t fit your laptop inside of an interoffice envelope? You’re living in the past. The future is now, and it doesn’t involve pesky little things like disc drives, impressive feature sets or reasonable pricing.

Nope - the future is all about COMPUTERS THAT CAN FIT INSIDE OF A FUCKING ENVELOPE.

¹ If you remember the name, then you might be surprised to know that Packard Bell STILL EXISTS.

² Gamertag: Hypocrticalross - Halo 3, anyone?

The annual MacWorld Expo kicks off this morning with Steve Jobs keynote address. Every year Jobs uses this venue to do a couple things. One, he discusses upcoming upgrades and improvements for existing Apple products (more RAM, more white plastic, etc.) Two, he often uses the opportunity to unveil Apple’s next “big product.” Last year it was the iPhone, which you may have heard about on every website in the fucking world.

Although Mac geeks like to speculate endlessly about what the big surprise will be, Jobs announcements often come completely out of the blue. He even has a little catchphrase, where after announcing all the minor products and upgrades he’ll make to leave the stage before turning and saying “Oh, and one more thing” before announcing the big surprise. Why so many people hang on the word of someone who channels Peter Falk during a speech is anyone’s guess. “And one more thing” is about as cool of a catchphrase as “You’re the man now, dawg,” albeit without the horrible cringe-inducing racism.

Anyways, I thought I’d examine some of the likeliest “surprises” Apple might have in store for us, and just for fun, throw in some baseless slander about Steve Jobs along the way.

Touchscreen MacBook or iMac
This is the most popular rumor floating around right now: Apple will release either an iMac or Macbook with a touchscreen built in. Some people reckon Apple may go a step further and release a keyboard-less tablet device – tablet devices being that market that’s floundered a bit in the last few years due to the fact that no-one anywhere wants a tablet device. The only people who’ve ever expressed any interest in tablet computing are artists. Fortunately for Apple, as a group, artists are not known for being terribly smart with their money - although they’re also not known for having much of it in the first place. It’s difficult to imagine them, or anyone else, scooping up an inevitably pricey tablet Mac in any significant numbers.

Fun baseless Steve Jobs slander: Steve Jobs desire to have touchscreens installed in every computer is partly due to his nickname around Apple’s Cupertino headquarters, “Old Semen-Mouse.”

iBook
Given Apple’s extensive experience with their iTunes store, and the semi-positive response people have given the Amazon Kindle, it’s possible Apple may want to get into the ebook market. Although it’s still uncertain how large demand for ebooks is, Apple would have some pretty strong advantages over it’s competition, assuming that it doesn’t release the ugliest device ever created.

Fun baseless Steve Jobs slander: Jobs has been experimenting with a prototype version of the iBook for several months now. He particularly enjoys reading the series of Goosebumps books by R.L. Stine, and finds the ability of the iBook to be used one handed particularly useful while relentlessly masturbating to the same.

Sub-notebook
Essentially an Apple version of the Asus EeePC, this would likely take the form of a very small Macbook that forgoes a hard drive for a few gigs of solid state memory. Sub-notebooks are kind of a hot thing right now, but a key element of them is that they’re supposed to be cheap. And “cheap” has never really been Apple’s thing, in much the same way that “healthy” has never really been bacon’s thing. In general, Apple avoids the low end of the computing market, preferring the higher margins available when selling more powerful machines, and there’s no reason to think they’ll stray away from that now.

Fun baseless Steve Jobs slander: Steve Jobs has non-consensual sex with dead animals.

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Chris Bucholz is a writer and a robot. His personal blog, robotmantheblog.com contains a great deal of other humor articles, all of dubious quality and taste.

Are you an obese person with a busy schedule? A “fatty on the go” as it were? Are you constantly finding yourself late to important fat guy functions—taking the middle seat in airplanes, sweating, wheezing—because of the inordinate amount of time it takes to order a burger?

Well, Apple is planning to change all that, with their newest groundbreaking technological innovation. Believe it or not, the rumored software would allow users to order food WITHOUT EVEN BEING IN A RESTAURANT. Sounds impossible, I know, but there it is.

By sending complex “digital wireless signals” or “codes” through the very aether itself, Apple’s whizz-bang (and patented) system will, as if by magic, allow you to purchase and spur the production of a lunch order while driving to the restaurant, so that you can stuff your gullet with the carcinogen of your choice as quickly as humanly possible.

Unfortunately, Apple has yet to patent a system that would allow the food to come to you, eliminating the need for in-store pick-up, but I’m sure the innovation wizards are hard at work on a solution right now.

Inspired by these pioneers, these visionaries, I have invented some systems of my own, which I hope to patent as soon as Apple invents something that lets me patent things from home. Behold, innovations the likes of which the world has never seen:

Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Greenpeace has launched its equivalent of an all-out assault—a nicely worded note sent with a bouquet of hydroponically grown roses—on Apple computers for failing to make the iPhone free of environmental toxins. Turns out the phones contain PVC, BFR, and untold amounts of other deadly acronyms. They even made a nifty video to show you the dark, evil inner workings of that little mass of concentrated cancer you’re holding.

Specifically, Greenpeace representatives have said that the company is irresponsible for failing to provide a cell phone buyback program like environmental all stars Nokia, Motorolla and Sony-Ericsson, and for releasing products that are “toxic to reproduction” and can “interfere in the sexual reproduction of mammals.” So you should probably stop rubbing the iPhone on your genitals, hard as that may be.

I was particularly concerned about this news since a friend of mine just purchased an iPhone, and I naturally feared for his junk. Fortunately, after some research into what “toxic to reproduction” means exactly, I discovered that the compounds in the iPhone are only harmful to the development and fertility of mammals. So if you’re a full grown man with no plans for kids, load up some photos of your favorite celebrity and rub away.

But by the same token, you’re not going to want to rub your iPhone on, say, your kids’ genitals, although if you’re doing that, you’ve got much bigger problems to worry about. You also wouldn’t want to put the iPhone near a fetus, which is almost certainly going to hurt the sales of Apple’s proposed iSonogram plugin.

In the meantime, Greenpeace continues to pressure Apple to make environmentally responsible decisions with pun-laden rhetoric like “time will tell if Jobs’ promises of a greener Apple will bear any fruit,” and Apple continues to make billions of dollars. Jobs promises that Apple will “soon be ahead of most of its competitors” in regard to being environmentally friendly, which is the equivalent of saying “sure, sure, we’ll get to it. Well, most of it. Probably. Unless The Office is on.”

By the way, if you happen to be reading this post on an iPhone that’s situated near your genitals: How ironic is THAT?!