Awesome Video Of The Day

Japan’s Dreaming Of A Weird Christmas

With all this talk lately about green energy, I think it’s high time we start seriously considering electric eels as viable sources of clean energy. If all it takes is one eel to power your Christmas tree this year, then all you’d need to host an awesome holiday party would be one extra eel to power the stereo, a few more for the fridge, TV, and karaoke machine, and maybe a little one for the doorbell. You know - so you’ll know when the guests show up. Tell everyone to come around 9:30. That should leave you plenty of time to drive your creepy eel-powered car down to the pet store to buy a whole shitload of eel food.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Speechless Hollywood

I get what United Hollywood is trying to get across with these spots, but I think watching Woody Allen sip coffee in a silent room for 22 minutes would actually be a pretty good show. If I were a television executive and somebody pitched that to me, I’d throw it on the air immediately. It’d be called That Woody! and it would generate billions of dollars in revenue, which I would use to finance a new gameshow where people get to keep all the money they can eat in one hour. I’d call that one Common Cents or GUTBUSTERZ!

Can somebody please tell me why I don’t have my own TV network already?

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Neverending stories of impending global catastrophe, ecological disaster, and geopolitical meltdown got you down? Well, friends, set aside those difficult-to-digest plates of unpalatable facts and get ready for some less intestinally-distressing fare, because it’s time once again for my roundup of all the news you absolutely, positively, don’t need to know at all. Let’s get to it!

Bindi Irwin, Hip-Hop Mogul: Australia’s favorite fatherless child is refusing to let her dad’s unfortunate ascension to the Great Crocodile Pit in the Sky hold back her own burgeoning career, and plans to release her first rap single next month. With lyrics like “I’m afraid of grizzly bears, but don’t you see/Grizzly bears should really be afraid of me,” the song is sure to be a hit, but Bindi has a warning for any potential haters out there: “You muthaf@*$in’ stingrays tryin’ to get in my path/Don’t be surprised when you get a shotgun up your ass. G’day, muthaf#*%ers.”

Amy Winehouse Kills Again: The rampaging tornado of whirling drugs and crusty makeup known as Amy Winehouse has claimed another innocent victim—this time, a harmless hamster. The adorable, formerly live and pooping hamster met his fate at Winehouse’s hands last year at the apartment of Palladium singer Peter Pepper, who said, “I’d been to bed, but Amy had stayed up and was still going strong and had drunk the drinks cabinet dry. The next thing I know, (the hamster) bites me, runs off and Amy says she’ll catch it… But I went to put a plaster on my finger and by the time I came back, Amy said she’s put it to bed and it was sleeping. But just hours later the hamster was stone cold and hard.” (This is believed to be the last time Winehouse made anything hard.) How many more victims must this menace claim before someone puts a stop to her reign of terror and lousy soul music? Who will protect us and our pets? (As an incentive to any drug dealers who may be inclined to put her out of our misery, I should add that Winehouse’s body mass is now thought to consist of at least 40% pure cocaine.)

Alba Gives Regards to Broadway: Jessica Alba, who would be the very definition of my perfect woman if she were only unable to speak, has decided to show off the artistic range she displayed in such cinematic tours de force as Honey and The Fantastic Four by taking on Broadway. The star is set to appear in the role of Karen in David Mamet’s classic “Speed-the-Plow.” (In a bonus bit of unnecessary news, it turns out that David Mamet and Sidney Lumet are not the same person.) However, Mamet is rumored to be customizing the play to showcase Alba’s unique talents, as indicated by his revision of the script to a one-page sheet consisting of the words “Enter KAREN, naked. Two hours pass. CURTAIN.”

[More Unnecessary News here.]

Awesome Video Of The Day

Movie Trailer: Teeth

Rather than try to explain this trailer, I’ll let the movie’s website¹ do the talking for me:

High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group’s most active participant… A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence.

I’m all for going to see a movie about Vagina Dentata, but the critics are already tearing this film apart. I’m talking, of course, about the vicious panning the trailer has received in the comments on YouTube:

“rofl, ok so she has a evil vagina? rofl nasty, maybe she has herpe’s” - justintfan

“MAH VA JAY JAY IS EATIN MEH!!!!” - Swifted17

I think they’re being needlessly harsh on this flick. Remember when There’s Something About Mary came out and everyone was freaking out about the infamous semen scene? Now there’s a wad in someone’s hair in pretty much every movie that comes out. Teeth could - no, WILL - do for Vagina Dentata was Mary did for money shots. Factor in the current superhero trend that’s going on and, if nothing else, you’ve got an awesome new female villain for pretty much every 2008 summer blockbuster.

¹ Yes, this is a real movie, and yes, it was screened at the Sundance Film Festival.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

A Classic Middle Eastern Practical Joke

One time I drew a boner on my friend’s car with a bar of soap. That was probably the craziest prank I’ve ever pulled. Oh, and one time at a sleepover we put a kid’s hand in warm water, but he didn’t even pee his pants or anything, so we poured the water in his ear and punched him in the stomach. I thought we were pretty wild, but that was before I learned about the ol’ “bringing a full-grown lion to your friend’s party” gag.

This video serves as definitive proof that people in the Middle East are hard as nails. Sure, they might be running away in sheer terror, but cut them some slack - IT’S A LION. If anyone has President Bush’s email address, please forward this video to him. Maybe if he sees what passes for practical jokes over there he’ll reconsider this whole “War On Terror” thing.

Stay tuned for the hilarious retaliation video where they hold the guy who brought the lion down and put a live cobra down his robe.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Mike Rowe Selling Katsaks on QVC

It’s kind of weird to think there was a time when Mike Rowe, current host of Dirty Jobs, was hawking things like “Katsaks” on QVC to pay his rent, but you know what’s even weirder? THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE TAPING IT. Who in the name of God tapes the “Quality Value Convenience” channel?! Were they huge Mike Rowe fans, or did they just not want to miss seeing all the products that were available for purchase? Maybe they had the VCR set to the wrong channel or something.

If I were Mike Rowe and wanted someone to hire me for a new show, I’d just show them this clip. Not only would it prove that I could handle myself with grace under pressure, but it also shows that when I had a show on QVC, THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE TAPING IT. If that isn’t a surefire indicator of future success, I don’t know what is.

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Hayden Panettiere, the bite-sized star of the TV show “Heroes” (as lovingly chronicled on this blog), has developed a wide following among teenage girls and the pasty middle-aged men who love them. But what her fans may not know is that she’s also a daring eco-warrior who travels the globe protecting adorable species from harm, although not always successfully, as demonstrated in this video (presented here in German, for comedic effect):

For those of you slackers who don’t spreken zie Deutsch, here’s the scoop:

“It was really frightening,” Panettiere said. “Some of us were hit by the [fisherman’s] boat hook. But in the end, all we really worried about was the dolphins.” Growing emotional, the actress said they were close enough to the dolphins to see them “sky-hopping, jumping out of the water to see us… One little baby dolphin stuck his head out and kind of looked at me, and the thought that it’s no longer with us is really difficult to take,” she said, tears streaking down her face.

Yes, that’s very sad. Next time please wear a bikini.

However, since Ms. Panettiere in a wetsuit saving dolphins went over so well, I’d like to offer my suggestions for further sexy celebrity activism, such as:

• A lingerie-clad Jessica Alba chains herself to an endangered tree, like the one in my backyard
• Scarlett Johansson boycotts clothes for 2008 to protest sweatshops or whatever
• Kim Kardashian refuses to sleep with any more rappers until Paris Hilton is released from jail
• Michelle Obama challenges Obama Girl to a Jello-wrestling match to raise money for her husband’s campaign
• Britney Spears goes on a hunger strike to protest her own horrible Halloween costume
• Ben Affleck lays down in front of a bulldozer in a rainforest, preferably one driven by a deaf and blind person

Awesome Video Of The Day

Unicorn Cove School of Metaphysics

Yes… The Unicorn Cove School of Metaphysics. A magical wonderland where you can sit around someone’s one-bedroom apartment, practicing the lost arts of fake-swordplay, kickboxing and playing Magic the Gathering while surrounded by belly dancing goth chicks. It might not be an accredited, degree-granting university, but it’s got a YouTube commercial with a really epic theme song. What more do you want?

Located in Westbrook, Maine, the Unicorn Cove School seeks to “bring about positivity and light, and to educate in the matters of the metaphysical, the spiritual, the paranormal and the mystical.” To that end, they offer courses in Psychic Development, Beginning Mysticism, Energy Work and HULA DANCING. They also have a program called the Unicorn Rangers Psychic Police Department. You know - just in case you’re ready to leave the dull worlds of rational thought and normal human interaction completely behind.

And I thought I was hot shit with my fancy liberal arts degree. All this time I could’ve been a Psychic Unicorn Cop!

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Girl Dances, Dog Humps

It doesn’t get much funnier than a dorky preteen dancing provocatively on her webcam while her parents are away, but if you really wanted to make it funnier how would you do it? You’ve only got a few options:

Come to think of it, you could throw a humping dog into the background of pretty much any video and it would become instantly funnier. The lunar landing, the Zapruder film, the Berlin Wall falling - it’d be like whitewashing history… with hilarity.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Snapping Turtle Climbs A Fence

I know it’s Monday and you’re tired and bummed out and missing the weekend and all that, but I think I may have found something that can make you feel better: A video of a turtle falling off a fence.

Why will that help? I don’t know. There’s definitely something satisfying about it, though. Maybe it’s like an inspirational message about giving your all. Maybe we could learn a lesson from this little persistent guy.

Or maybe it’s just funny to watch animals fall off of stuff.

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