When is the world going to end? That depends on who you ask. Scientists say the sun will burn out in a couple billion years, Nostradamus had it down to an exact date (December 20, 2012), and Jehovah’s Witnesses have struck out numerous times, predicting all-out apocalypse in 1914, 1918, 1925, 1941, 1975, and 1994. I appreciate all of their efforts, but guess what? They’re all wrong. I can’t give you an exact date, but I can easily tell you what year the world is going to end.

The world is going to end in 2022.

Why 2022? It’s not Peak Oil, global warming, or terrorism that I’m concerned about. No - 2022 is the year that kids who are 7 years old right now will be turning 21. That means that 2022 will be the year that today’s 7-year-olds will be legally allowed to drink alcohol, which means that 2022 will be the year that bars become overrun with people who have fond childhood memories of seeing Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Will they remember Terminator 2? What about Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure or Back To The Future? What will they say of these movies? “Oh,” they’ll say, “Aren’t those, like, old movies? I don’t like old movies.” Then they’ll ask the bartender for some crazy futuristic drink that I’ve never heard of, and then they’ll turn back to their friends to wax nostalgic about that movie they saw when they were 7 years old with all the rapping CG chihuahuas, and I’ll return to Gladstone’s birthday party (89 years young!) and stew in the corner, nursing my whiskey and muttering to nobody in particular about how the world has gone to hell in a handbasket.

But then God will be like, “What the fuck?!” and smite everyone, because CG chihuahuas?! COME ON. He must have said SOMETHING about that in the Bible, right?

I’ve heard people say they’d probably keep working if they won the lottery. Those people are completely full of shit. You really expect me to believe that you’d keep going to your crappy dead-end job day-in day-out if you didn’t need the money? You know - the job that you complain about incessantly and fantasize about quitting on a daily basis? You must have a great work ethic. Either that or you’re mildly retarded, but most retarded people would quit their jobs if they won the lottery¹, so I guess that means you have a great work ethic. There’s just one problem with that: you DON’T have a great work ethic, so I guess that means you’re completely full of shit. QED.

I don’t even need a big jackpot to quit my job. Give me a scratch-and-win worth enough cash to buy a baby chimp, a pair of drawstring pants, and a comfortable couch, and I’ll have my desk cleaned out within the hour. Then I’ll swing by Baby Gap, pick up a tiny polo shirt for my new chimp, stop by the liquor store and grab a bottle of whiskey, and head home for the most awesome afternoon of all time.

Then I’ll sober up and realize that I have no job, no savings, and a new baby chimpanzee to feed. Then the chimp will start throwing poop all over my house, and I’ll be like, “Oh yeah - they do that.” Then I’ll try to sell the chimp for animal testing, but the scientists will be like, “We can’t possibly accept this chimp, sir - he’s drunk.” Then I’ll have to open an animal testing facility in the spare bedroom in my apartment, which will make me a ton of money until the animal rights people show up to protest on my front lawn, but then I’ll get evicted and have to find a new apartment, and how the hell am I supposed to find a place in Chicago that will rent an apartment to some unemployed guy with a pet chimpanzee and no shirt on?

See, this is why I don’t play the lottery. Mo’ money, mo’ problems.

¹ As you all know, scrupulous fact-checking is of the utmost importance here at Cracked.com, and my editors had our research department conduct a comprehensive survey to verify this claim. Of the 2,500 people surveyed, 73% said they would quit their jobs, 4% said they would continue working, and 23% mumbled something about cookies and licked their own hands.

Dear Jewish Defense League,

My name is Ross Wolinsky. I’m a Jew, a Cracked blogger, and an all-around good guy. We’ve never met before, but that’s probably because I never had a good reason to write to you… until today. Sure, I’ve encountered some light anti-semitism in the past (growing up, sometimes my friends would call me “bignose” or “diamond-hoarding devil banker who lives at the center of the Earth and controls global geopolitics”), but that’s probably to be expected when you’re one of the chosen people. I dealt with those problems myself back then. “Don’t hate the player - hate the game,” I told them, coining an idiom that would take the rap scene by storm years later.

“Also, shut up, Gandhi dothead,” I added. You know - because the kid was Indian.

That’s all water under the bridge now, but today I came across a video on The YouTube and knew almost immediately that I needed to write you. Only you, Jewish Defense League, are capable of righting this most egregious wrong.

I have no problem with viewing a digitized likeness of a goat on YouTube. I’m not sure what the Torah has to say about looking at digitized goat likenesses, but my guess is that it’s okay as long as you’re not drinking a glass of milk at the same time. I also don’t care that the women in this video are completely fixated on the goat’s balls, even though it’s weird and could probably be the subject of an entire Nooner in and of itself. No - I’m writing you today because it’s obvious that the goat featured in this video, with his nasal voice, whiny demeanor and overbearing greediness, is perpetuating a negative Jewish stereotype.

And that’s not even to mention the horns and cloven hooves.

You’re probably wondering, Jewish Defense League, “What does this hilarious and handsome Cracked blogger want us to do? Email The YouTube and have them take the video down?” That’s a nice sentiment, but with so many video-sharing sites out there I don’t think that would be enough. If you’re really committed to the cause, Jewish Defense League, now is your chance to prove it: Head down to the Jambbas Ranch in Fayetteville, NC, find that goat, and put him in a body bag. Or maybe just bring him some books that will teach him to be proud of his heritage. I guess it’s your call.

Oh, and hey, Jewish Defense League: as long as I’ve got your attention, is 26 too old for a Bar Mitzvah? Hit me back.

Sincerely,
Ross Wolinsky

Robotic Dogs Are Coming To Kill You

Remember when everyone was freaking out about killer bees? Back in the 90s they were the imminent threat du jour, pressing northward in a buzzing swarm of honey, stingers and death. We were completely terrified knowing that these insanely aggressive bees were coming to destroy us all…

And then nothing happened. The killer bees never really showed up (other than in a few parts of the southwest), America turned its attention to other, more pressing matters (like, oh, I don’t know… TERRORISM?), and the vast majority of our great nation avoided the stinging wrath that was supposed to have been the killer bees.

That being said, allow me to introduce you to our latest national crisis. Fuck a bunch of bees¹ - we’ve got robot dogs² to worry about.

Why would the scientific community do this to us? Don’t we already have enough to worry about in the world without robot dogs running around our forests, adding knowledge to their AI databases until they’re ready to come kill us all with ruthless efficiency? What possible reason did scientists have to create such a thing? I can only come up with a few possibilities:

All perfectly valid, but none of them really do anything for me. The only benefit I get from this development is that I now get to live with the knowledge that there’s a robot dog out there somewhere; one that can almost certainly outrun me on pretty much any type of terrain. Thanks, scientists.

¹ Warning: Do NOT actually attempt to fuck a bunch of bees.

² I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that there’s a “Robot Dog” wikipedia entry.

Monkey & Dog Doing Situps

I stumbled across this clip on YouTube after halfheartedly watching The Moment of Truth on FOX. Have you guys seen that one? It’s that lie detector show where people answer increasingly horrible questions and ruin their lives for the chance to win FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. Why can’t we take a hint from Japan and start airing good old-fashioned entertainment again? You know - like a show where a dog helps a monkey do sit-ups. If they put that on FOX I would watch it dutifully every single week. They could call it Animal Magnetism… only that kind of makes it sound like they would be having sex with each other, which is a totally different kind of TV show. How about Spot Me!? If they named the dog Spot that one would be a double whammy.

I could see a monkey doing sit-ups with a bulldog holding his legs down on American TV, but to flip it around and have the BULLDOG (not) doing the sit-ups? That’s so insane it could only come from the brilliant mind of a Japanese television writer. I’d make some sort of bold statement like “Japanese television writers must all smoke crack!” but I have a feeling that most of them probably come from respectable families and come up with their ideas in drug-free workplaces, so scratch that one.

Which just got me thinking… I know this clip is from Japan, but do you think when Chinese people have a really late business meeting and their bosses say “I need you all to stick around,” do you think they say “Can we order American?” Food for thought.

(more…)

A Dog Riding A Miniature Horse

You guys sure do love to argue!

It doesn’t really seem to matter what the subject is either; from whether the Super Bowl ads were actually that bad (answer: yes, they were) to whether Arrested Development was a funny show or not (answer: yes, it was), you guys have managed to turn all of this week’s comments sections into a battle zone.

Now it’s Friday and, to be honest, I’m exhausted. And nervous. Maybe even a little bit scared. It’s been a contentious week here on the Cracked Blog and I don’t really want to face your wrath today, Cracked readers. That’s why I’m posting a video that I’m pretty sure we can all agree on, something that nobody in their right minds could possibly hate.

We all have our differences, but surely we can all agree that this video of a dog riding a miniature horse is pretty much the best thing ever.

Awesome Video Of The Day

These Times We Live In

Yesterday somebody accused me of posting “surprisingly high-brow” videos this week. I’m not particularly offended by that remark, but I think I need to explain myself.

We live in tumultuous times. We’ve got a war going on in Iraq that is killing innocent people, global warming is threatening to eradicate us all and the gap between rich and poor grows wider every single day. Globalization is forcing manufacturing into increasingly-polluted third world countries, where cheap child labor is plentiful and unreglulated. The rainforests will be gone soon. Also, what ever happened with that hole in the ozone? Did that work itself out or what?

That being said, don’t attack me for posting videos that are “high-brow.” In these days of uncertainty, I think it’s important that we elevate the level of discourse. I know this is a humor website, but why should that mean that we can’t open up a dialogue about what’s happening in the world around us? It’s a conversation we should have started a long time ago, but it’s not too late, people. It’s never too late. Remember that.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Golden Eagle Snags A Goat

While we’re on the subject of terrifying animals, I would like to add that I will never, EVER fuck with a golden eagle. I can’t imagine that I weigh much more than a goat, and that THING just totally picked one up and flew away it. You do the math. Sure, the crappy little goat sound effect 13 seconds in is hilarious, but that’s about all you get in this video in the way of comedy¹. Birds of prey don’t really “do” funny.

Wanna know what probably happens after this video ends? The eagle takes the goat back to its terrifying nest (presumably one made of broken glass and barbed wire) and proceeds to rip it to shreds with its razor-sharp beak. When I think of badasses of the animal kingdom, I don’t generally think of birds; wolves, cobras, tigers, and komodo dragons come more readily to mind. I guess I tend to think of fangs and venom instead of talons and beaks², but it’s starting to look like I’ve been all turned around on the subject. Apparently eagles are totally badass. Who knew?!

¹ Other than the part where the eagle flies away with the goat. In the laugh industry, we call this a “sight gag.”

² Although giant squid have beaks too, and they are most certainly badass animals.

(more…)

Awesome Video Of The Day

Terrifying Police Dogs

I’m not totally sure where this video is from, so I’m going to be sure not to commit any crimes ANYWHERE for the rest of my life. It seems like it was probably shot somewhere in Eastern Europe in France, but I’m not risking it - the mere idea that these dogs exist somewhere on this Earth is enough to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Did you hear that guy screaming?! Did you see the dog running straight at the guy shooting at it? I can’t think of a single crime that would be worth attempting to pull off if I knew that I might have to deal with one of those things. The only way these dogs could be any more terrifying would be if scientists were able to modify their genes to make them poisonous, and I’m pretty sure that’s just around the corner, too. My prediction: global crime rates will fall dramatically over the next few years. Y’know… because of all the poisonous dogs.

(more…)

Today I’m going to kick off my blogging year with a new feature in which I demonstrate my advanced age and decrepitude by describing things I’ve only recently come to realize, but which you’ve most likely known a long, long time. It’s… Late to the Party!

Part the First: The Wii is Awesome.
That picture to your right (presented in a wistful sepiatone to convey the feeling of olde timey days) is me gettin’ busy with my new Wii, which Santa was nice enough to give me permission to buy for myself and my ladyfriend after she planted the seed several months ago (by mentioning that “it could help us get in shape”) and promptly forgot about it.

I’m well aware that all you video game types are totally over the Wii, but for someone whose most recently owned video game system prior to this one was an Atari 2600 purchased by my Grammy in 1982, this was a pretty major leap to make. But 25 years seemed like a long enough time to allow for technical improvements, so I took the plunge (productivity be damned), and let me tell you that it was worth the wait. So far I’ve learned that a) my arms don’t know the difference between swinging a Wii remote and swinging a baseball bat, b) I am just as crappy a virtual bowler as I am an actual bowler, but the shoes don’t smell as bad, and c) my girlfriend can beat the crap out of me at boxing (to the point where I actually found myself yelling “I’m trying to punch you in the face! Why can’t I punch you in the face?!” followed by “Stop iiiiiiiiit!”). In any case, I’m just now discovering that it’s awesome, so be kind to your elders and cut me a break.

Part the Second: Rihanna is a Hottie.
While visiting my ladyfriend’s parents on New Years, I happened to see the video for a song called “Umbrella” for the first time. It’s by a singer named Rihanna, who spends the entire video strutting around in fishnets being splashed with water and naked covered in silver paint, and for all I know it’s been all the rage for the past five years while I was living alone in a cave teaching myself to juggle balls of mud. (I also think I read somewhere that the song was originally offered to Britney Spears, but I for one am glad she declined it, since I would just be spending the whole video thinking about how bad all that water would be for her toe fungus.)

But in any case, while the song is inarguably catchy, let me state now for the record that I concur with the 98% of men and lesbians worldwide who strongly believe that this Rihanna lady could melt the paint off Satan’s furnace. It is a scientific fact that an ordinary man accidentally seeing Rihanna in person would literally have his genitals burned completely off. So exercise caution if you believe she may be in your vicinity. But speaking of exercising caution…

Part the Third: It Is Possible to Be Eaten by Wild Animals at the Zoo.
Who knew, right? All those times I was dragged off to the zoo to stare at sleeping lemurs as a child, I was actually entering a terrifying death trap. The most interesting thing that happened while I was there was when the giraffe took a really enormous crap.