Neverending stories of impending global catastrophe, ecological disaster, and geopolitical meltdown got you down? Well, friends, set aside those difficult-to-digest plates of unpalatable facts and get ready for some less intestinally-distressing fare, because it’s time once again for my roundup of all the news you absolutely, positively, don’t need to know at all. Let’s get to it!
Bindi Irwin, Hip-Hop Mogul: Australia’s favorite fatherless child is refusing to let her dad’s unfortunate ascension to the Great Crocodile Pit in the Sky hold back her own burgeoning career, and plans to release her first rap single next month. With lyrics like “I’m afraid of grizzly bears, but don’t you see/Grizzly bears should really be afraid of me,” the song is sure to be a hit, but Bindi has a warning for any potential haters out there: “You muthaf@*$in’ stingrays tryin’ to get in my path/Don’t be surprised when you get a shotgun up your ass. G’day, muthaf#*%ers.”
Amy Winehouse Kills Again: The rampaging tornado of whirling drugs and crusty makeup known as Amy Winehouse has claimed another innocent victim—this time, a harmless hamster. The adorable, formerly live and pooping hamster met his fate at Winehouse’s hands last year at the apartment of Palladium singer Peter Pepper, who said, “I’d been to bed, but Amy had stayed up and was still going strong and had drunk the drinks cabinet dry. The next thing I know, (the hamster) bites me, runs off and Amy says she’ll catch it… But I went to put a plaster on my finger and by the time I came back, Amy said she’s put it to bed and it was sleeping. But just hours later the hamster was stone cold and hard.” (This is believed to be the last time Winehouse made anything hard.) How many more victims must this menace claim before someone puts a stop to her reign of terror and lousy soul music? Who will protect us and our pets? (As an incentive to any drug dealers who may be inclined to put her out of our misery, I should add that Winehouse’s body mass is now thought to consist of at least 40% pure cocaine.)
Alba Gives Regards to Broadway: Jessica Alba, who would be the very definition of my perfect woman if she were only unable to speak, has decided to show off the artistic range she displayed in such cinematic tours de force as Honey and The Fantastic Four by taking on Broadway. The star is set to appear in the role of Karen in David Mamet’s classic “Speed-the-Plow.” (In a bonus bit of unnecessary news, it turns out that David Mamet and Sidney Lumet are not the same person.) However, Mamet is rumored to be customizing the play to showcase Alba’s unique talents, as indicated by his revision of the script to a one-page sheet consisting of the words “Enter KAREN, naked. Two hours pass. CURTAIN.”
[More Unnecessary News here.]
