Ever since this whole War on Terror thing started, America has been slowly and steadily falling behind the rest of the world. Our money is worthless, our economy is in the shitter, and our standing as the leading global economic superpower is waning. Meanwhile Western Europe is sighing and shaking its collective head, China is too busy toiling around the clock like some crazy 1.3 billion-member ant colony to even notice, and the Dutch are sitting around laughing at pedophilia… and self-righteously defending their national identity on the internet.

Saving the world from evil-doers is all well and good, but it makes your country’s TV shows suck. Think about it: American Idol debuted in 2002, just nine months after 9/11. Coincidence? I think not. How did waging an unwinnable war against an invisible enemy turn a glorified karaoke competition into a #1 hit? I have no idea, but Ryan Seacrest doesn’t make me feel like everything is OK. If I had my choice, I’d much rather see some guy with an awesome Hitler moustache bouncing around inside a giant balloon when I turn on my TV during primetime.

Oddly enough, the Japanese haven’t even heard about the War on Terror. That might sound outlandish, but think about it: If you had shit like this on TV in your country, would you really be that concerned with global geopolitics? Nope - you’d just sit there on your couch, mouth agape, watching some guy with an awesome Hitler moustache bounce around inside a giant balloon. Then you’d get bored, change the channel, and watch something else equally awesome. Then you’d go to work for 18 hours and fall asleep on the train, but hey - at least you’d have some awesome shit to watch on TV when you got home.

So here’s a fun little quiz for you! The other night I was watching Larry King Live. Why? I’m not sure. It probably had something to do with my testicle clamp being in the shop. Anyway, in less than a minute worth of show, I found no fewer than 10 people or things that pissed me off. I think that’s pretty incredible. Here. Why don’t you take a look at the clip and see if you can name them all before reading the answers below.

1. Larry King. I hate him. I’ve always hated him. He simply does not listen to a word that comes out of his guests’ mouths. That’s worse than being stupid or lazy. It’s downright rude. Oh, but he is stupid and lazy. See number 8 below.

2. “Is this the last year of American Idol?” Why are we discussing this on a news show?

3. Simon Cowell. Colossal douchebag who is so easy to make fun of that I will refrain. This was a gimme.

4. Ryan Seacrest (See 3)

5. Randy Jackson (See 3)

6. Paula Abdul (See 3)

7. “Kidding!” Get it? He said the opposite of what he meant. Isn’t that the kind of joke 5 year olds tell? “The teacher said you were in trouble” “Really?” “No. . . Kidding!”

8. Larry King isn’t sure if Simon is joking. Really? Really?! Where’s the confusion? Was it when he threw his hands up and shouted “kidding!” Seriously, what is wrong with you?

9. At least two more years of American Idol? Why? Why? No one has had a sustainable career coming off that show. Let me rephrase that. No man has had a sustainable career coming off that show. It is not designed to create rock stars or even pop stars. It is designed to pad the resumes of people destined to do local theater. Clay Aiken is in Spamalot now. Spamalot and he should count himself lucky that Eric Idle deigned to have him in his production. In 5 years, it’s all about Carnival Cruises, opening up for Kathy Lee Gifford. And don’t get me started on Daughtry. Is that his name? I refuse to even look that up. I promise you his next record tanks. Guaranteed. Yeah, there are some Idol women with pop careers now right? That blonde chick. And the other one? I’m not sure. I’m not a 14 year old girl.

10. Stop complaining you whiny bitch. Everyone hates their job. Everyone. But yours is easy and you get paid millions of dollars to do it. You think I like picking up Lex Friedman’s tasteful collection of macs, chapeaus, and other assorted fine head gear from the local haberdashery? No? Did I actually WANT to go to Jack O’Brien’s “come as your favorite Star Wars CGI character” costume party? Of course, not. (And Jack, Darth Maul is NOT a CGI character and if by “scary” you meant “willing to experiment sexually” then yes you looked very, very “scary.”) But it’s my job. And Simon, you have a job too. One that will keep you in tight, black, man-breast hugging shirts forever so shut up and stop whining about it.

Show some love?

Jim Carrey on American Idol

You know what would be weird? Climbing the ranks of Toronto’s stand-up comedy scene to eventually become a successful headlining comedian, launching a massively successful television and film career, then suddenly finding yourself dressed up in a crappy elephant costume exchanging niceties with Ryan Fucking Seacrest to hawk your latest crappy and instantly-forgettable movie. Wouldn’t that be weird?

It’s easy to think of this as an example of Jim Carrey “falling from grace.” That sounds great and raises the stakes of the video and everything, but c’mon - can you really “fall from grace” when your whole career rests soundly on a foundation made of funny faces? I’m not going to totally shit on the guy - the kid in me still loves Ace Ventura, and Eternal Sunshine and The Truman Show were both pretty good - but aside from a handful of exceptions, the obvious trend in the Carrey canon has been a not-so-subtle slide downward. (Although he admittedly set the bar pretty high for himself).

I’m not going to cry “SELLOUT!” either (I don’t think anyone ever thought of Jim Carrey as having street cred or expected him to “keep it real” or anything), nor am I going to say that this clip really surprises me; Jim Carrey could dress up like an adult baby and make a “boom boom” in a Huggies commercial tomorrow and I wouldn’t bat an eye. Instead, I’m going to offer a tip to Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, and every other aging comedian who gets crappier and crappier with each passing year: just retire, guys. Seriously - you’ve made like a bazillion dollars already. Instead of spending your time making these wretched children’s movies, why not go spend some time with your ACTUAL children? They miss you more than we will, I promise.