Some of you may remember my blog post on Monday about environmentalists, and why I don’t necessarily “hate” them, but I may “harbor a feeling of extreme enmity, revulsion, or hatred” towards them.

Well, in exhaustively researching that deeply factually flawed piece of info-journalism, I had the unexpected pleasure of being confronted with a series of (mostly) gorgeous naked women while image searching for bullshit pictures to keep you interested during my long, rambling tirade. And here they are:

Seriously, those are all on the first page of a Google Image Search for “PETA.” Don’t read the text on that first one, by the way; it’s the exact opposite of what belongs on a picture of a naked woman. By which I mean it’s the exact opposite of [insert joke about your penis and/or sperm].

Also, WHO STILL WEARS FUR?!! I mean, if it’s going to get Alicia Silverstone naked, I guess it’s fine, but I seriously haven’t seen anyone wearing fur in at least five years. The whole thing is bizarre, and implies that at some point in the past, at PETA’s public relations headquarters, this conversation occurred:

A Dog, Who is also President of PETA: You guys, people totally hate us for our extremism. What should we do? Blow up something?

6th Degree Vegan: I have an even better idea. Naked ladies.

3rd Degree Vegan: What about them?

6th Degree Vegan: Put them everywhere. All our ads. Connect them to our cause, no matter how tenuously.

A Dog: But that has nothing to do with our beliefs or values.

6th Degree Vegan: Yeah but sex sells.

3rd Degree Vegan: Really?

6th Degree Vegan: I’m pretty sure. I read it on the back of a business book while I was in line at Kinko’s.

A Dog: You went to Kinko’s?! Don’t you know their glue base is made from the eye jelly of the endangered Moroccan Root Beetle?!

6th Degree Vegan: Oh No!

The 6th Degree Vegan kills himself in the traditional PETA method, by standing up too fast and collapsing from exhaustion. The others, loathe to let any part of an animal go to waste, construct a crude bicycle out of the corpse and ride it to a falafel bar.

So don’t masturbate too hard, fellas (and lesbos; I don’t discriminate). Most of those women are nuts.

Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes HUGELY DIGGABLE OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW WELL THAT THING DID !!! videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Awesome Video Of The Day

A Very Special (un)Paid Advertisement From Apple

I drank the Apple punch last September and picked up a shiny new MacBook. I’d been a PC user since I was like 8 years old (386 Packard Bell¹, anyone?), and I have to admit it was kind of a big switch for me. It’s been pretty great so far, but I have to admit that Apple still annoys the crap out of me from time to time. The irritating commercials and the it’s-not-a-computer-it’s-a-lifestyle fanboyism can be a little much for me sometimes, especially during Macworld season, but I’m usually willing to turn a blind eye to all that crap. Know why? Because I’ve had my MacBook for a year and half and I’ve never had to defrag it, that’s why. I’m no Mac purist (I also have an Xbox 360²) - I just like my laptop.

Enter Apple’s NEW laptop, the MacBook Air. It sure is thin, isn’t it? It can even fit inside of an envelope! You must be wondering how they crammed so many features into such a thin, slick-looking laptop. It comes loaded with a headphone jack, a single USB port, AND a micro-DVI port. Can you believe that?! Wow! That means you can hook up your headphones, a USB device, and output the video… AT THE SAME TIME. The future is now! Huzzah!

But let’s not forget that 80 GB hard drive they put in there! That might not sound like a lot at first, but you have to understand something: the MacBook Air doesn’t come with any sort of internal disc drive - you have to buy a separate, external drive for an extra $100 and hook it up through the USB port. That might sound like a pain in the ass, but it’s actually a very clever disc space optimization strategy: by making it a huge pain in the ass to install software or rip CDs and DVDs, that 80 GB hard drive will be a lot harder to fill up. Thanks, Apple! You guys really thought of everything!

And all this for the low price of (starting at) $1799? Have I died and gone to heaven?!

So now you’re probably wondering why a computer with a features set more befitting of a budget laptop is so unbelievably expensive. I was thinking the same thing, but then I realized something: it can fit inside of an envelope. Can YOUR laptop fit inside of an envelope? No? Wow. That must suck. How do you send files to coworkers at work if you can’t fit your laptop inside of an interoffice envelope? You’re living in the past. The future is now, and it doesn’t involve pesky little things like disc drives, impressive feature sets or reasonable pricing.

Nope - the future is all about COMPUTERS THAT CAN FIT INSIDE OF A FUCKING ENVELOPE.

¹ If you remember the name, then you might be surprised to know that Packard Bell STILL EXISTS.

² Gamertag: Hypocrticalross - Halo 3, anyone?

It’s time once again to shed your worldly concerns about depressing issues like the global warming whatsit, the War on Whatever, the subprime mortgage doodad, and the fact that you had to scavenge your children’s Christmas presents out of dumpsters (after scavenging those dumpsters out of larger dumpsters)—and ease your furrowed brows with the soothing inanity of the Unnecessary News. It’s hypoallergenic, pre-digested, and guaranteed to work gently by morning. So let’s get crack(ed)in’:

Subliminal Huckbertising: Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been accused of flaunting his religion in a campaign ad which featured Huckabee in front of what appeared to be a floating cross. However, a spokesman insisted the imagery was accidental, saying, “it was supposed to be a burning cross!”

Be Niece, Until it Is Time to Not Be Niece: Although Jamie Lynn Spears has confirmed that she is indeed “with child,” older sis and parenting expert Britney is refusing to believe it:

… Hours after the news broke on Tuesday, the troubled pop star dismissed the reports. In video footage posted on TMZ.com, Spears is heard telling the paparazzi, “She’s not. My sister is not pregnant.”

However, Britney’s denial actually fits quite well with her preferred philosophy on children: “If you ignore them, they’ll go away.”

Dohertyshambles: The rock band Babyshambles, which is rumored to be among the front-runners for a 2008 Grammy in the category of “Outstanding Performance by a Group whose Lead Singer Has Banged Kate Moss,” was forced to scrap a recent show early after their beloved crooner Pete Doherty took ill:

Doherty… managed to perform eight tracks with his band before he was forced to leave the stage, insisting he was too sick to continue. The troubled star is alleged to be suffering from a bout of flu, which caused him to vomit and faint backstage.

… incidentally, “flu” is British for “drugs.”

Awesome Video Of The Day

Elektro: The Smoking Robot

Robots are everywhere these days: assembling our cars, detonating our landmines, and freaking out our cats. They’re simplifying our lives in new ways all the time, taking over tasks that we’d rather not do ourselves, and while that’s great news for those of us that are too lazy to freak out our own cats, let’s face it: despite their functionality, today’s robots are a total snoozefest.

It was a different story back in 1939, when Westinghouse premiered Elektro at the New York World’s Fair. Weighing in at 265 pounds, Elektro “spoke” off of pre-recorded 78 rpm records, had “eyes” that could distinguish between red and green light, and could walk on command. He also smoked cigarettes and knew a handful of terrible pick-up lines.

Today’s robot manufacturers could learn a few things from Elektro. Why can’t they make a Roomba that’ll hit on my girlfriend, or smoke cigarettes, or do anything cooler than SWEEP MY FLOOR? You’d think between the advances in technology and decline in morality that we would’ve come up with a really awesome robot by now, one that can kick ass, talk trash, cook food and literally shit out awesome new next-gen video game consoles. Instead we’ve got Roomba, the magical plastic disc that can sweep your floor. If Isaac Asimov were alive today, I’m not sure if he’d be bummed out or relieved. Although I’ve never actually read any of his books, so I guess that makes sense.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Backwards Feet Throw It Down

It’s been a rough week, but hey - THANK GOODNESS IT’S FRIDAY, right?! I’d like to send you off on your weekend with something positive and uplifting, something that will make all of your problems seem petty and small and bullshitty in comparison. Your boss might be a jerk, and maybe you can’t quite afford that Crate & Barrel papasan (even though it would look awesome in that spare room), but hey - at least your feet aren’t backwards.

This guy is one of five people in the United States with backwards feet, but you know what? He’s not letting it get him down. Instead, he lugs his boombox out to Venice Beach, dances his ass off and tells his audience they don’t know SHIT about urban street dancing, about how to deal with the disabled, or even about how to deal with their own lives. “The world don’t owe you shit,” he says. “You owe yourself hard work, dedication and self-respect to get what you want in life. Very simple.” And you thought you were just watching some dude with backwards feet dance around all weird. Little did you know you were learning a life lesson.

I just wrote a whole paragraph that I deleted about how he’s a wigger suffering from a Napoleon complex and how someone should challenge him to a race, but then I deleted it because I realized that I found this guy’s story genuinely inspiring. I’ve talked shit about pretty much every video I’ve posted on this blog so far, but I honestly have nothing bad to say about this guy¹. Which means that I will probably never, EVER post anything even remotely inspiring ever again. Inspiration is NOT funny.

(Thanks, Ian)

¹ Other than the fact that the close-up shots that don’t show his legs make him look like a totally normal douchebag that I would be perfectly comfortable making fun of. Oh - and the fact that he’s probably a little too cocky for his own good. And the fact that he seems like the kind of guy who would take a casual drinking contest WAY too far and fall down shitfaced, and all these people would try to help him up because, you know, he’s disabled, and he’d scream “I’M FINE! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!” But he still wouldn’t be able to get up, and everyone would get really quiet, and he would stumble around for a while and eventually leave the party or bar or whatever, but it would probably be pretty uncomfortable for a little while (unless it was a big, noisy party, in which case nobody would really notice).

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In a world where Internet gaming is one of humanity’s fastest-growing addictions, Blizzard has decided to do the marketing equivalent of lacing their weed with PCP. Their new ads use the twin nerd-pillars of Mr. T and William Shatner to make World of Warcraft so utterly enticing even I vaguely feel like watching someone play it.

I’ve got to say it’s somewhat irresponsible, releasing a siren’s call like that when you know damn well the damage that these games can do. There are plenty of articles about people addicted to online gaming, but I’ll link this one, because it’s Australian, has the word “doona” in it, and claims that at present 30 percent of kids are addicted to the Internet.

Admittedly, “addicted” is a loose term; I mean, am I really addicted to pornography just because I can’t imagine life without its sweet, warming glow filling my loins each evening? Clearly not. And in a country like Australia, there’s not much else to do besides get stung by various scorpions, hoping to find one whose venom is a hallucinogen.

But regardless, how can Blizzard in good conscience expect any tender young nerd to resist THIS?

It’s Captain Kirk! And he’s wearing a JEDI ROBE! The only way they could have nailed their demographic more clearly would have been if Juggernaut rushed by at the end asking for corms.

So cut it out, Blizzard. The greasy, loveless existences of all the pale, stringy-haired kids I have to wade past at the Internet cafe are on your head.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Slide Owns Kid… Twice

I’ll admit it: yesterday was a little rough. Racism, stereotypes, puppets… it wasn’t for everyone, and several commenters made it abundantly clear that they didn’t think Chuck Knipp’s portrayal of southern black women was very funny. Today, I’d like to make up for it with a video of something I’m pretty sure we can all get behind: parents laughing at their injured, sobbing children.

I’m not a parent, but I’m pretty sure that openly laughing at your child after they do something stupid is a good rule of thumb. It sends a very clear message: “You have room for improvement.” Sure, you could rush to his side and tell him that he did a great job of climbing that slide, but you’d both know that wasn’t true. That would be a lie, and while it might temporarily boost his self-esteem, recent studies have shown that it would probably actually harm him in the long run.

Moral of the story? Laugh at your children when they hurt themselves and they will be very successful. Like they’ll grow up and become lawyers and politicians. That IS what you want, ISN’T IT?

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Shirley Q. Liquor Goes To K-Mark

WARNING: Today’s video IS not FUNNY in any way, shape or form. It portrays hurtful racist stereotypes, and although it does so in an entertaining voice I can assure that it IS not FUNNY. I can’t speak for my fellow bloggers (I’m pretty sure that Swaim is a card-carrying Klan member), but I can tell you that I personally DOn’t THINK THIS VIDEO IS FUNNY.

Okay? Okay.

Shirley Q. Liquor is a character that was created by Chuck Knipp, a drag comedian who is also an ordained chaplain, registered nurse, and active member of the ACLU and Libertarian Party. On top of all this, he somehow manages to find the time to caricature southern black women and put it up on YouTube. Impressive!

His live performances have been protested several times, apparently, but I can’t figure out why. Maybe they’re picketed by people who hate the ACLU, or people who really hate drag comedians. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that he PERFORMS IN BLACKFACE. I don’t know. People can be so touchy.

While his critics call him a bigot, Knipp defends himself by saying he’s “lancing the boil of institutionalized racism.” I know I’m playing with fire by putting this question forward, but here goes nothing: What do YOU think?

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Skaters Rule, Bikers Drool

If you’re like me, you don’t really like watching anything more than 10 seconds long. That can make things difficult sometimes, but as this video shows, a lot can happen in 10 seconds. Be sure to watch it with the sound on. That’s really important.

If you get into a fight at a skatepark and you whip the other kid with a branch, that’s pretty bad. But if you whip a kid with a branch, get hit with a skateboard and collapse to the ground crying, well, I don’t even know what that is to be honest. Viral video infamy, I guess.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Goodbye, Dignity

Last week’s Daily Nooners were marginally classy by Cracked.com standards. We explored different cultures (Japan, Canada and China), we looked at the occasionally baffling world of haute couture… it was like a barely-literate New Yorker or something, but it was also a litmus test to figure out if the Cracked Blog was capable of carrying itself with a touch of class and worldliness. Everything was going great for a minute: People were talking about socialized medicine and martial arts, discussing our cultural differences in a polite and generally agreeable manner. You could feel the winds of change blowing, a new, more sophisticated day dawning on the horizon…

Then some guy named “Choocher” showed up and started talking about “little asian baby balls.”

This is why we can’t have nice things. I hope you all enjoy this video of a girl barfing all over herself in zero gravity.

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