The beamz™ Music Performance System

If you’re like me, you have vague, completely unfocused musical inclinations. But if you’re like me, you’ve never actually acted on those inclinations and purchased any sort of musical instrument. Maybe you’ve been busy at work. Maybe it’s family stuff: The kids need to be picked up from school and the goddamn wife needs you to stop at the store and buy milk, leaving you wondering, “How do we go through so much fucking milk in this house? It’s like she’s pouring it down the drain or something.” And you’re right about that - she IS pouring it down the drain - but that doesn’t change the fact that you have to stop at the store and pick up the goddamn milk.

Or maybe you’ve never attempted to learn an instrument because you’re too focused on your career. You know - that career that has consumed your entire life but gives you the luxury of being able to buy $600 gadgets at Sharper Image. Well guess what, little buddy?! The beamz™ Music Performance System is a $600 gadget that is going to solve all of your problems (except the erectile dysfunction).

What kind of music are you into? Do you want to be a classically trained violinist? How about a “one-man rock band”? Do you want to “scratch” your favorite pre-programmed hip-hop “beats” like the real “homeboys” do, or would you rather relax in a darkened room full of your favorite Sharper Image products for a moment of “quiet reverie”? Whatever it is, beamz™ has you covered. You know those boring weekends you think to yourself, “I kind of wish I had to go to work so I’d have something to do”? With the beamz™ system you can kiss those goodbye. Just head down to your “studio” in the basement and tell the wife to let you know when dinner’s ready. Then when people call for you, she’ll answer the phone and be like, “He’s down in his man room playing with his beamz™ again. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

And here I was thinking that Sharper Image went bankrupt when all this time l could’ve been down in the basement, playing with my beamz™ and softly weeping.

I’ve take issue with American Apparel advertising before (particularly their penchant for selling me clothes by showing pictures of women wearing no clothes whatsoever in the grainy light of an early 70’s snuff film), and, as predicted, legendary film director Woody Allen is joining the Swaim-train by suing them for running a billboard featuring a picture of him without his permission. You know, now that I made it all cool to hate on them.

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American Apparel has been forced to take the billboard down and publicly apologize, and while I still think they’re a load of perverts, it’d be a shame for their series of nine Woody-related ads to go almost totally unseen by the world. Thus:

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A Couple Of Things

I spend a lot of time thinking about time machines. More specifically, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I would like to go back in time and witness firsthand if I had one. A bear-baiting event, Zeppelin live at Earls Court and the Boston Molasses Disaster all used to seem like obvious first stops, but after reading this headline this morning I’m not so sure anymore:

Dr Pepper Will Give Everyone* in America a Free Soda If Axl Rose Releases New Guns N’ Roses Album, Chinese Democracy, In 2008 (*Guitarists Slash and Buckethead Will Not Be Eligible For Free Soda)

Fuck bear-baiting, fuck molasses, and fuck the greatest rock concerts of the 20th century¹ - I’d rather go back in time two months, hide behind a coat rack in a conference room at Dr. Pepper corporate headquarters, and listen in on what must have been the most hilariously misguided marketing department meeting of all time. According to the press release:

“It took a little patience to perfect Dr Pepper’s special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love,” said Jaxie Alt, director of marketing for Dr Pepper. “So we completely understand and empathize with Axl’s quest for perfection – for something more than the average album. We know once it’s released, people will refer to it as “Dr Pepper for the ears” because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds - an instant classic.”

I understand the thinking behind this campaign - it’s bizarre and random and just the kind of thing that those KUH-RAZY interweb bloggers love to repost and give free viral buzz (case in point) - but it’s too bad that whoever came up with this one doesn’t read the Cracked blog; we broke the Chinese Democracy story back in November, and if they’d been reading us back then, they’d know that Chinese Democracy is already slated for release in 2008. I’d be completely shocked if the thing actually came out, of course, but still - how awesome would it be if it actually came out and Dr. Pepper owed everyone in America a soda (except Slash and Buckethead)? With a current population of 300 million, assuming each can of soda costs Dr. Pepper one penny, that means this publicity stunt could end up costing them $3 million (or $2,999,999.98 if you subtract Slash and Buckethead). I can’t wait to see how this turns out. Like I literally can’t wait. Fuck - does anyone have a time machine?

Oh - and here’s a video of a midget sliding on his face.

¹ Warning: Do not actually fuck any of these things.

If You Seriously Still Haven’t Gotten Enough Of Guitar Hero, Here’s A Slightly Shittier Version Of It That You Can Play ANYWHERE YOU WANT

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of being chained to my television when I want to play Guitar Hero. The wireless controller was a nice attempt, but it still kept me stuck in my living room. I want complete and total freedom of movement when I rock out, you know? I’m sick of looking like a total fucking douchebag playing Guitar Hero in the privacy of my own home. If only there was a way that I could play Guitar Hero… IN PUBLIC! On the train, in the food court at the mall, in the office break room; If possible, I’d like to be able to look like a prick anywhere I go.

That used to be just a pipe dream, but come Summer 2008 that pipe dream will finally become a pipe reality!

And what better way to announce the coming Guitar Hero DS revolution than with what may possibly be the most instantly-dated commercial I’ve ever seen. Look at that guy and that girl. They are ready to ROCK! You can tell because they brought their Nintendo DS’s and copies of Guitar Hero onto that rooftop, and they’re totally rocking out in front of… what skyline is that? San Antonio, Texas? Yeah - they’re totally rocking out in front of the San Antonio skyline. If that isn’t enough to convince you that Guitar Hero DS is the premiere game of Summer 2008, then I don’t what will.

If I didn’t know the product was brand spankin’ new I would assume that this commercial was made in 1992. The only explanation I can come up with is that Guitar Hero DS is early 90s themed and features hits by Spin Doctors and Counting Crows. Oh well - at least it works on rooftops!

Fred and Sharon Want to Know: Who Needs A Movie?

Fred and Sharon might pretend like there’s some question involved here, but the truth of the matter is that YOU need a movie. Let’s face the facts: a video movie could improve pretty much all of our lives. Who do you think you are? You think you don’t need a video movie to documenting your last wedding, stage production or Quinceañera? You think Fred and Sharon don’t know what’s best for you?

Wrong on both counts, bucko.

Think about all those recent events you’ve had. Remember that birthday party? Remember how your buddy Abe kept doing his hilarious Borat impression? What about your great aunt’s funeral? Remember how Abe was doing the Borat impression at that one, too? Well let me tell you something about memories: they fade. You might remember your friend Abe screaming “Eez nice! I like!” at various inapproriate events today, but what about tomorrow? Will you remember his dated pop culture references in a few years? Will you even remember Borat at all? You might read a passing reference to Borat in some general interest magazine ten years from now and be like, “That reminds me of something, but I can’t remember what.” Then your friend Abe will be like, “I from Kazakhstan! I have sex with my sister!” and you’ll be like “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?”

Eez nice.

“When You Let Everyone Play… Nobody Wins”

You’d think I’d have some choice words to say about this ad for TheLadders.com, a “premium job site created exclusively for $100k+ people looking for $100k+ jobs,” but I’m coming up strangely blank. I’m not a $100k+ person myself, but this is probably a great idea for someone out there. You know - someone who owns more than one suit, or at least one that they didn’t inherit from their dad.

Sure, people who would use TheLadders.com are all rich and fancy and stuff, but whatever - I’m not going to be all sour grapes about it. If you’re a successful professional and you’re looking for a new job, you probably want a website that caters directly to your needs. One that separates the wheat from the chaff. The commercial might be kind of obnoxious, but I think it gets its subtle message across nicely:

TheLadders.com is for thin, attractive white people, not fat, balding slobs.

If you’re reading this, TheLadders.com, don’t you think that last sentence would be great as your new slogan? I’ll gladly sell it to you… for $100,000. Think it over and meet me at the bargaining table. You know - the one out back. Yeah - the one by the dumpster. That’s perfect.

Calbee Dog Knows A Thing Or Two About Love

If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately, you may have heard about the economic downturn that’s been going on in the United States. It’s been getting a lot of play in the media lately, but even though it’s a big, important story - what with the bursting housing bubble and the subprime lending and all that other crap I can barely understand - I’m a lot more concerned about how my country is falling behind in another, less widely reported way.

I’m worried about the state of our snack chip mascots.

The last of the truly great American snack chip mascots was surely Chester Cheetah, whose jazz-inspired, “cool daddio” attitude made him a favorite among children, mental defectives and promotional t-shirt manufacturers alike. But that was a long time ago, and though he may have been a pop culture phenomenon a decade or two ago (starring in not one, but TWO video games), those days are clearly in the past. If that’s the best we can offer the global snack chip mascot pantheon as a nation, we might be in bigger trouble than originally thought.

Even in his prime, though, all Chester really did was wear sunglasses and feign hipster indifference. He was never really the type to try to cheer up a young, heartbroken schoolboy, and that, I think, is our problem right there: American snack chip mascots are interested in hawking their wares, not solving our problems. Don’t they realize that a happy consumer is a spending consumer? I’m no economist, but I’m pretty sure this is why we’re falling behind as a nation.

We need to take a note from the Japanese playbook here: helpful snack chip mascots lead to a strong economy. That means it’s time to lose the shades, Chester, but don’t worry; maybe you and the Pringles guy can open a free clinic together or something.

While Ross and I only included one Salesgenie.com commercial in our rundown of the lamest Super Bowl ads, I think it’s fair to say that all three ads the company produced could have by rights made the cut. They were stupid, borderline racist, and apparently entirely intentional. Turns out the company’s strategy was to make the worst commercials possible, thereby GUARANTEEING that every lame Internet blogger would highlight them in the coming weeks (as I’m doing now. Congratulations Sales Genie, you’re geniuses).

But that’s not the whole story. Shockingly, the ads that aired were actually watered down versions of CEO Vinod Gupta’s original scripts. Those preliminary scripts were recorded, and although they were ultimately deemed too offensive to run, my vast network of resources has located the lost commercials, presented for your displeasure now:

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When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes intentionally offensive videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

THRILLER - PEPSI COLA

Swaim: Thriller references never go out of style. Didn’t you see that YouTube video of those prisoners? Come to think of it, this commercial would have been better with a bunch of dancing CG Malaysian prisoners.

Wolinsky: Malaysian prisoners are inherently more entertaining than CG lizards. Don’t they teach that in advertising school?

Swaim: I think the implication here is that drinking Life Water can actually raise the dead.

Wolinsky: Bullshit. This was clearly the product of a cocaine-fueled brainstorming session. By 6:30 a.m. all they had on the whiteboard was “PEOPLE LIKE: 1.) Chicks 2.) CG Lizards 3.) Zombies.” They might be right, but this is still a conceptual nightmare.

Wolinsky: Also, why isn’t the CHICK a zombie?

Swaim: The lizard would have to bite her for that to happen, and lizard zombies are only attracted to lizard brains. I’m expecting some fanfic on this.

Wolinsky: Yeah, well, there’s no shortage of fan fiction… for THINGS THAT SUCK.

SPOT ON - GODADDY.COM

Swaim: To my knowledge, this is the first ever superbowl ad to go meta. If you won’t get behind something as fresh and groundbreaking as that, at least get behind the promise of pornography at the end.

Wolinsky: I can get behind the promise of internet pornography, but I’m more into dated pop culture references to “wardrobe malfunctions.”

Swaim: Sigh. Just watched the linked video at GoDaddy.com. No porn. But I DID find wider exposure and a great webspace at rock bottom pricing!

Wolinsky: Classic bait-and-switch. They reel you in with the porn, then they sell you a great hosting package.

Swaim: This is so exciting that I’m going to huddle around the computer with eight or nine of my closest friends, faces nearly touching, to read about it.

Wolinsky: Will it be an ethnically-diverse group of both males AND females? Oh, wait - these people are all white.

Swaim: Yeah, but at least they’ve got the lesbian demographic going. One step at a time, Ross. Next you’ll be wanting black people to fly.

Wolinsky: Let’s not get carried away.

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What happens when two Cracked bloggers–one irrepressibly chipper and optimistic, the other a bitter, hollow, withered husk of a man (that one’s Ross)–are locked into a chat session without anything to sustain them but the ten worst commercials to air during Super Bowl XLII? Read on, and you just may find the answer.

BUD LIGHT—FLIGHT Ross Wolinsky: The message here seems to be “black people can’t fly.”

Michael Swaim: You’ve got it all wrong. They can fly, but the white man keeps them “down,” both in the figurative and, here, literal sense. It’s a symbolic call to revolution that I think is long overdue.

Ross Wolinsky: Are you implying that it was a white man flying the plane that almost killed him?

Michael Swaim: The plane itself was white, and I think that says something.

Ross Wolinsky: I’ll concede one thing: the guy looks great in that suit.

Michael Swaim: On a positive note, with Hancock coming out, I think we’re finally reaching a place where society is ready to talk about flying black people. It’s about damn time if you ask me.

Ross Wolinsky: You’re just overcompensating to not seem racist.

Michael Swaim: Look, talk all you want, but when you’re the first one snatched by the Airborne Brotherhood of Namibia, don’t come crying to me.

DORITOS—KINA GRANNIS Ross Wolinsky: I don’t even know what this is. Do they want me to buy a Kina Grannis mp3 or a bag of Doritos?

Michael Swaim: BOTH! And how can you not like this?! AMERICA CHOSE IT! It’s the definition of Democracy. Are you against Democracy, Ross?

Ross Wolinsky: Here’s the thing: I LOVE the song (bought it WAY before the Super Bowl), I LOVE Democracy, and I REALLY LOVE Doritos. Too much of a good thing?

Michael Swaim: Only if you try and exercise all three at once. Nothing kills my voting buzz like going into the booth and finding nacho cheese powder everywhere.

Michael Swaim: Hey, have you noticed that “Kina Grannis” sounds an awful lot like “kinda badass?”

Ross Wolinsky: If I bought every product that SOUNDED like something cool, I’d have WAY too many products, Swaim. C’mon - you know this commercial sucks.

Michael Swaim: What I know is between me and my heart.

Ross Wolinsky: Liar.

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