Last night was the final Presidential Debate in one of the most talked about races in recent memory. Much more important, though was that last night was also the final Cracked Liveblog of the Presidential Debates. Cracked Columnists Gladstone, DOB, Ross and Swaim got together to bring you the kind of insightful commentary you won't find on this or any internet, and we don't think it's going too far to say that every moment in human achievement pales in comparison to this remarkable event. Suck it, CNN.
- 9:04 PM Michael Swaim - He's already pulling the "pray for Nancy Reagan" card.
- 9:04 PM Michael Swaim - He must be in a tight spot
- 9:04 PM Dan O'Brien - McCain was asked why his plan is better, and he’s not saying it.
- 9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - It goes without saying: Because he is older and whiter.
- 9:05 PM Dan O'Brien - "McCain why is your plan better than Obama’s?" "Say, did you hear about Nancy Reagan?"
- 9:05 PM Dan O'Brien - Unless Obama’s plan somehow put Nancy Reagan in the hospital.
- 9:04 PM Hbn Gladstone - (Arriving late) Hi
- 9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - Speaking of older and whiter, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gladstone!
- 9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - Obama did NOT express worry about Nancy Reagan. I guess I'm voting McCain after all.
- 9:06 PM Dan O'Brien - That actually makes me want to vote for Obama.
- 9:06 PM Dan O'Brien - I want a candidate that has the balls to ignore Nancy Reagan's helpless cries.
- 9:10 PM Michael Swaim - STOP SAYING JOE THE PLUMBER!!! OUR NATION IS NOT A METAPHORICAL BLUE COLLAR WORKER!
- 9:10 PM Dan O'Brien - Wait, is Joe the Plumber an actual guy?
- 9:10 PM Ross Wolinsky - That’s Joe Sixpack’s cousin.
- 9:11 PM Michael Swaim - This guy’s got the ear of everyone in power…he’s like his own shadow government!
- 9:11 PM Michael Swaim - On the plus side, our pipes will be snug and unclogged.
- 9:11 PM Hbn Gladstone - Democrats are declaring class warfare on plumbers?
- 9:13 PM Dan O'Brien - Look, the plumbers have been dragging down this nation long enough and, frankly, I think we’re all a little sick of their bullshit.
- 9:13 PM Michael Swaim - Eatin’ mushrooms, savin’ princesses…it’s all just so glamorous.
- 9:13 PM Dan O'Brien - Knew it was coming.
- 9:13 PM Dan O'Brien - I applaud us all for holding off on a Mario reference for so long.
- 9:14 PM Michael Swaim - That wasn’t a Mario reference; it was a reference to my friend Toph. One time he took a bunch of mushrooms and kidnapped a girl.
- 8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Net spending cut="I'm going to cut stuff, but seriously...nothing you like. Like, shit factories. I'm not sure why we even still have them."
- 8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Programs should work better. I'm collecting vague platitudes this debate.
- 8:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - "WE NEED NUCLEAR POWER" IS NOT A CUT!
- 8:18 PM Dan O'Brien - McCain wants to get a hatchet and THEN a scalpel. He'd be both a terrible doctor and a terrible carpenter.
- 8:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - "If I am elected, I will make sure that planetariums and other educational centers receive ABSOLUTELY NO FUNDING WHATSOEVER."
- 8:19 PM Dan O'Brien - Seriously, what the fuck is McCain's problem with Planetariums?
- 8:24 PM Dan O'Brien -"Teachers, Environmentalists, at least one plumber, people who enjoy torture- They all hate me."
- 9:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - McCain likes football!!!
- 9:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - Whoa… did he just go from football to stem cell research? He’s GOOD.
- 9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Quite a segue.
- 9:31 PM Dan O'Brien - To be fair, he’s senile. He has no idea.
- 9:31 PM Michael Swaim - To IMMIGRATION.
- 9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Wow.
- 9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - It’s like stream of consciousness.
- 9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s basically doing beat poetry.
- 9:33 PM Dan O'Brien - Obama just called us cynical.
- 9:33 PM Dan O'Brien - Typical political bullshit.
- 9:33 PM Dan O'Brien - And then he said "Tit."
- 8:33 PM Dan O'Brien - It should be stated that his rally crowd just booed him last week.
- 8:34 PM Dan O'Brien -"I find not-taking-my-bullshit to be quite an admirable quality."
- 8:41 PM Dan O'Brien - Joe Biden, even after elected in Delaware, would go on the radio on Sundays and talk about football. He was a terrific guy.
- 8:41 PM Ross Wolinsky -This is going to be amazing.
- 8:41 PM Michael Swaim - McCain can't look at Obama because he knows in about two minutes he's going to have to defend Palin to millions of people.
- 8:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - Predict
- 8:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - How many times will McCain say Maverick when describing Palin?
- 8:42 PM Dan O'Brien - I'm gonna say he'll say Hockey Mom more than he does Maverick, and I'm willing to put money on it.
- 8:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - Price Is Right rules? (MCCAIN BEGINS)
- 8:43 PM Dan O'Brien - I shoulda put up cash on "reformer."
- 9:46 PM Dan O'Brien - Jesus. Nothing will make you sound less like an old guy than saying "Cockamammy," McCain.
- 9:46 PM Dan O'Brien -- I can’t even spell that word, it’s so old.
- 9:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - You’re darn tootin!
- 9:46 PM Michael Swaim - I refuse to believe that there was any time in history when someone said the phrase "cool hand on the tiller" in natural conversation and wasn’t on a boat.
- 9:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - McCain is doing the Lindy Hop… in his mind.
- 9:48 PM Ross Wolinsky - I think the first step is redefining "foreign."
- 9:48 PM Dan O'Brien - Give a NUMBER. One fucking number. 2. 12. 37. These are all good numbers.
- 9:48 PM Michael Swaim - Numbers are campaign poison.
- 9:49 PM Michael Swaim - 8? KILLED the McKinley campaign.
- 9:49 PM Dan O'Brien - - 192.
- 9:50 PM Dan O'Brien - - See how easy this is?
- 9:50 PM Dan O'Brien - I just pulled that number outta NOWHERE.
- 9:50 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck it Dan. I know we’ve just talked about it in passing, but let’s DO IT. Let’s RUN.
- 9:50 PM Michael Swaim - We’ve got the numbers to back us up.
- 9:51PM Dan O'Brien - The kind of forward-thinking numbers this nation craves.
- 9:50 PM Ross Wolinsky - 2.
- 9:51 PM Dan O'Brien - Sorry, Ross.
- 9:51 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, 2 is shit. Everyone knows that.
- 8:54 PM Hbn Gladstone - The automakers are getting hammered? I thought it was me?
- 8:55 PM Ross Wolinsky - Cocaine: It powers our night clubs and financial sector. Why not our cars?
- 8:55 PM Michael Swaim - He's promising me the car of the future. Oh, you seducer. Jetsons fooled me once, I won't be fooled again.
- 8:54 PM Ross Wolinsky - Obama: WE NEED CARS THAT RUN ON COCAINE.
- 8:57 PM Michael Swaim - Which reminds me Jack, I want a rather large raise.
- 8:59 PM Michael Swaim - Obama, like me, wants the cheapest price on drugs. I identify.
- 9:01 PM Michael Swaim - McCain demands numbers. He's LIFTING DAN'S PLATFORM!
- 9:01 PM Dan O'Brien - - FUCK.
- 9:01 PM Michael Swaim -Dan, we've got to respond with a scathing political ad. Maybe imply he's a zombie or something.
- 9:01 PM Dan O'Brien - "Imply?" We'll just film him, wandering around feasting on brains. That footage probably already exists.
- 9:03 PM Michael Swaim -
- 9:04 PM Michael Swaim -See? That's how quickly we can turn these around. I'm telling you Dan, we'd be foolish NOT to run. Do you know what they keep in the White House? As much candy as you can eat.
- 9:04 PM Dan O'Brien - Bullshit, because I can eat SO much candy.
- 9:04 PM Dan O'Brien - However much candy you think I can eat- Double it.
- 9:04 PM Dan O'Brien - That's how much I can eat.
- 10:05 PM Dan O'Brien - This was supposed to be the face-to-face debate where candidates would have to be honest, and address issues. But all they’re doing is saying "Obama says this." "No I don’t." "Bullshit." We still don’t know who to trust. How could we?
- 10:06 PM Dan O'Brien - I want to dress up like Santa and kidnap a president. That’s how abandoned I feel.
- 10:06 PM Michael Swaim - We have impressions. That’s about it. And I hate to break it to you, but that’s all anyone’s ever had since about 1800.
- 10:06 PM Michael Swaim - Before that, there were only about twelve people who could vote, so they got pretty in-depth information.
- 10:06 PM Michael Swaim - But now, forget about it.
- 10:07 PM Michael Swaim - We’re living in a country governed by our emotional reactions to billions of dollars of lies.
- 10:07 PM Michael Swaim - Quick, someone add a joke!
- 10:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - 8====D
- 10:18 PM Michael Swaim - An "army of teachers" would definitely hurt our national security.
- 10:18 PM Dan O'Brien - And our education.
- 10:18 PM Michael Swaim - Unless they’re martial arts teachers. # 10:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - It would also be the most boring horror movie ever.
- 10:22 PM Dan O'Brien - Obama is advocating the firing of bad teachers.
- 10:23 PM Dan O'Brien - I think "bad" is kind of risky. Because we had a European History teacher in my high school who knew dick-all about history, but she also would routinely have sex with students.
- 10:23 PM Dan O'Brien - And that’s an important part of education.
- 10:24 PM Dan O'Brien - I wouldn’t want to take that away from the students.
- 10:24 PM Michael Swaim - No Child Left Behind.
MCCAIN:Well, let -- let me say, Bob, thank you. And thanks to Hofstra. And, by the way, our beloved Nancy Reagan is in the hospital tonight, so our thoughts and prayers are going with you.
OBAMA: Well, first of all, I want to thank Hofstra University and the people of New York for hosting us tonight.
MCCAIN:Senator Obama ... what you want to do to Joe the plumber ... I've talked to people like Joe the plumber ... Now, my old buddy, Joe, Joe the plumber, is out there ... We're talking about Joe the plumber!
BOB SCHIEFFER:: Won't some of the programs you are proposing have to be trimmed, postponed, even eliminated? Give us some specifics on what you're going to cut back.
OBAMA: "I support charter schools and pay for performance for teachers. Doesn't make me popular with the teachers union. I support clean coal technology. Doesn't make me popular with environmentalists."
MCCAIN:I watched the Arizona Cardinals defeat the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday.
… every other ad was an attack ad on my health care plan … that say that I oppose federal funding for stem cell research … I don't … ads that misportray completely my position on immigration …
OBAMA: "the American people have become so cynical about our politics, because all they see is a tit- for-tat and back-and-forth."
MCCAIN: Let me just say categorically I'm proud of the people that come to our rallies.
SCHIEFFER::Why would the country be better off if your running mate became president rather than his running mate?
MCCAIN:In Iraq, he had this cockamamie idea about dividing Iraq into three countries.
SCHIEFFER:: Would each of you give us a number, a specific number of how much you believe we can reduce our foreign oil imports during your first term?
MCCAIN:The whole premise behind Senator Obama's plans are class warfare.
OBAMA: Senator McCain talks a lot about earmarks.
MCCAIN: Senator Obama talks about voting for budgets.
OBAMA: Now ... a couple of things Senator McCain said ... has been disputed by everybody who has looked at this claim that Senator McCain keeps on making.
SCHIEFFER:: In math and science competence ... we trail most of the countries of the world. Some even say it poses a threat to our national security.
OBAMA:I think it's going to be critically important for us to recruit a generation of new teachers, an army of new teachers
SCHIEFFER:: Now, for the final statements ...
- 10:28 PM Michael Swaim - WARNING: ENTERING CLOSING STATEMENTS. FIRST EIGHT ROWS WILL BE SPRAYED WITH BULLSHIT.
- 10:28 PM Ross Wolinsky - If you need me, I'll be nailing Jell-O to the wall.
- 10:29 PM Dan O'Brien - I'll be nailing Palin against the wall.