Cracked Columnists

STOP SAYING JOE THE PLUMBER! Reactions to the Final Debate

Last night was the final Presidential Debate in one of the most talked about races in recent memory. Much more important, though was that last night was also the final Cracked Liveblog of the Presidential Debates. Cracked Columnists Gladstone, DOB, Ross and Swaim got together to bring you the kind of insightful commentary you won't find on this or any internet, and we don't think it's going too far to say that every moment in human achievement pales in comparison to this remarkable event.

Suck it, CNN.

    • 9:04 PMMichael Swaim - He's already pulling the "pray for Nancy Reagan" card.
    • 9:04 PMMichael Swaim - He must be in a tight spot
    • 9:04 PMDan O'Brien - McCain was asked why his plan is better, and hes not saying it.
    • 9:05 PMRoss Wolinsky - It goes without saying: Because he is older and whiter.
    • 9:05 PMDan O'Brien - "McCain why is your plan better than Obamas?" "Say, did you hear about Nancy Reagan?"
    • 9:05 PMDan O'Brien - Unless Obamas plan somehow put Nancy Reagan in the hospital.
    • 9:04 PM Hbn Gladstone - (Arriving late) Hi
    • 9:05 PMRoss Wolinsky - Speaking of older and whiter, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gladstone!
    • 9:06 PMRoss Wolinsky - Obama did NOT express worry about Nancy Reagan. I guess I'm voting McCain after all.
    • 9:06 PMDan O'Brien - That actually makes me want to vote for Obama.
    • 9:06 PMDan O'Brien - I want a candidate that has the balls to ignore Nancy Reagan's helpless cries.
    • 9:10 PMMichael Swaim - STOP SAYING JOE THE PLUMBER!!! OUR NATION IS NOT A METAPHORICAL BLUE COLLAR WORKER!
    • 9:10 PMDan O'Brien - Wait, is Joe the Plumber an actual guy?
    • 9:10 PMRoss Wolinsky - Thats Joe Sixpacks cousin.
    • 9:11 PMMichael Swaim - This guys got the ear of everyone in powerhes like his own shadow government!
    • 9:11 PMMichael Swaim - On the plus side, our pipes will be snug and unclogged.
    • 9:11 PM Hbn Gladstone - Democrats are declaring class warfare on plumbers?
    • 9:13 PMDan O'Brien - Look, the plumbers have been dragging down this nation long enough and, frankly, I think were all a little sick of their bullshit.
    • 9:13 PMMichael Swaim - Eatin mushrooms, savin princessesits all just so glamorous.
    • 9:13 PMDan O'Brien - Knew it was coming.
    • 9:13 PMDan O'Brien - I applaud us all for holding off on a Mario reference for so long.
    • 9:14 PMMichael Swaim - That wasnt a Mario reference; it was a reference to my friend Toph. One time he took a bunch of mushrooms and kidnapped a girl.
    • 8:16 PMMichael Swaim - Net spending cut="I'm going to cut stuff, but seriously...nothing you like. Like, shit factories. I'm not sure why we even still have them."
    • 8:16 PMMichael Swaim - Programs should work better. I'm collecting vague platitudes this debate.
    • 8:17 PMRoss Wolinsky - "WE NEED NUCLEAR POWER" IS NOT A CUT!
    • 8:18 PMDan O'Brien - McCain wants to get a hatchet and THEN a scalpel. He'd be both a terrible doctor and a terrible carpenter.
    • 8:19 PMRoss Wolinsky - "If I am elected, I will make sure that planetariums and other educational centers receive ABSOLUTELY NO FUNDING WHATSOEVER."
    • 8:19 PMDan O'Brien - Seriously, what the fuck is McCain's problem with Planetariums?
    • 8:24 PMDan O'Brien -"Teachers, Environmentalists, at least one plumber, people who enjoy torture- They all hate me."
    • 9:30 PMRoss Wolinsky - McCain likes football!!!
    • 9:30 PMRoss Wolinsky - Whoa did he just go from football to stem cell research? Hes GOOD.
    • 9:31 PMMichael Swaim - Quite a segue.
    • 9:31 PMDan O'Brien - To be fair, hes senile. He has no idea.
    • 9:31 PMMichael Swaim - To IMMIGRATION.
    • 9:31 PMMichael Swaim - Wow.
    • 9:31 PMRoss Wolinsky - Its like stream of consciousness.
    • 9:31 PMRoss Wolinsky - Hes basically doing beat poetry.
    • 9:33 PMDan O'Brien - Obama just called us cynical.
    • 9:33 PMDan O'Brien - Typical political bullshit.
    • 9:33 PMDan O'Brien - And then he said "Tit."
    • 8:33 PMDan O'Brien - It should be stated that his rally crowd just booed him last week.
    • 8:34 PMDan O'Brien -"I find not-taking-my-bullshit to be quite an admirable quality."
    • 8:41 PMDan O'Brien - Joe Biden, even after elected in Delaware, would go on the radio on Sundays and talk about football. He was a terrific guy.
    • 8:41 PMRoss Wolinsky -This is going to be amazing.
    • 8:41 PMMichael Swaim - McCain can't look at Obama because he knows in about two minutes he's going to have to defend Palin to millions of people.
    • 8:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - Predict
    • 8:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - How many times will McCain say Maverick when describing Palin?
    • 8:42 PMDan O'Brien - I'm gonna say he'll say Hockey Mom more than he does Maverick, and I'm willing to put money on it.
    • 8:42 PMRoss Wolinsky - Price Is Right rules?

      (MCCAIN BEGINS)

    • 8:43 PMDan O'Brien - I shoulda put up cash on "reformer."
    • 9:46 PMDan O'Brien - Jesus. Nothing will make you sound less like an old guy than saying "Cockamammy," McCain.
    • 9:46 PMDan O'Brien -- I cant even spell that word, its so old.
    • 9:46 PMRoss Wolinsky - Youre darn tootin!
    • 9:46 PMMichael Swaim - I refuse to believe that there was any time in history when someone said the phrase "cool hand on the tiller" in natural conversation and wasnt on a boat.
    • 9:46 PMRoss Wolinsky - McCain is doing the Lindy Hop in his mind.
    • 9:48 PMRoss Wolinsky - I think the first step is redefining "foreign."
    • 9:48 PMDan O'Brien - Give a NUMBER. One fucking number. 2. 12. 37. These are all good numbers.
    • 9:48 PMMichael Swaim - Numbers are campaign poison.
    • 9:49 PMMichael Swaim - 8? KILLED the McKinley campaign.
    • 9:49 PMDan O'Brien - - 192.
    • 9:50 PMDan O'Brien - - See how easy this is?
    • 9:50 PMDan O'Brien - I just pulled that number outta NOWHERE.
    • 9:50 PMMichael Swaim - Fuck it Dan. I know weve just talked about it in passing, but lets DO IT. Lets RUN.
    • 9:50 PMMichael Swaim - Weve got the numbers to back us up.
    • 9:51PMDan O'Brien - The kind of forward-thinking numbers this nation craves.
    • 9:50 PMRoss Wolinsky - 2.
    • 9:51 PMDan O'Brien - Sorry, Ross.
    • 9:51 PMMichael Swaim - Yeah, 2 is shit. Everyone knows that.
    • 8:54 PM Hbn Gladstone - The automakers are getting hammered?

      I thought it was me?

    • 8:55 PMRoss Wolinsky - Cocaine: It powers our night clubs and financial sector. Why not our cars?
    • 8:55 PMMichael Swaim - He's promising me the car of the future. Oh, you seducer. Jetsons fooled me once, I won't be fooled again.
    • 8:54 PMRoss Wolinsky - Obama: WE NEED CARS THAT RUN ON COCAINE.
    • 8:57 PMMichael Swaim - Which reminds me Jack, I want a rather large raise.
    • 8:59 PMMichael Swaim - Obama, like me, wants the cheapest price on drugs. I identify.
    • 9:01 PMMichael Swaim - McCain demands numbers. He's LIFTING DAN'S PLATFORM!
    • 9:01 PMDan O'Brien - - FUCK.
    • 9:01 PMMichael Swaim -Dan, we've got to respond with a scathing political ad. Maybe imply he's a zombie or something.
    • 9:01 PMDan O'Brien - "Imply?" We'll just film him, wandering around feasting on brains. That footage probably already exists.
    • 9:03 PMMichael Swaim -
    • 9:04 PMMichael Swaim -See? That's how quickly we can turn these around. I'm telling you Dan, we'd be foolish NOT to run. Do you know what they keep in the White House? As much candy as you can eat.
    • 9:04 PMDan O'Brien - Bullshit, because I can eat SO much candy.
    • 9:04 PMDan O'Brien - However much candy you think I can eat- Double it.
    • 9:04 PMDan O'Brien - That's how much I can eat.
    • 10:05 PMDan O'Brien - This was supposed to be the face-to-face debate where candidates would have to be honest, and address issues. But all theyre doing is saying "Obama says this." "No I dont." "Bullshit." We still dont know who to trust. How could we?
    • 10:06 PMDan O'Brien - I want to dress up like Santa and kidnap a president. Thats how abandoned I feel.
    • 10:06 PMMichael Swaim - We have impressions. Thats about it. And I hate to break it to you, but thats all anyones ever had since about 1800.
    • 10:06 PMMichael Swaim - Before that, there were only about twelve people who could vote, so they got pretty in-depth information.
    • 10:06 PMMichael Swaim - But now, forget about it.
    • 10:07 PMMichael Swaim - Were living in a country governed by our emotional reactions to billions of dollars of lies.
    • 10:07 PMMichael Swaim - Quick, someone add a joke!
    • 10:07 PMRoss Wolinsky - 8====D
    • 10:18 PMMichael Swaim - An "army of teachers" would definitely hurt our national security.
    • 10:18 PMDan O'Brien - And our education.
    • 10:18 PMMichael Swaim - Unless theyre martial arts teachers.

      # 10:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - It would also be the most boring horror movie ever.

    • 10:22 PMDan O'Brien - Obama is advocating the firing of bad teachers.
    • 10:23 PMDan O'Brien - I think "bad" is kind of risky. Because we had a European History teacher in my high school who knew dick-all about history, but she also would routinely have sex with students.
    • 10:23 PMDan O'Brien - And thats an important part of education.
    • 10:24 PMDan O'Brien - I wouldnt want to take that away from the students.
    • 10:24 PMMichael Swaim - No Child Left Behind.
    • 10:28 PMMichael Swaim - WARNING: ENTERING CLOSING STATEMENTS. FIRST EIGHT ROWS WILL BE SPRAYED WITH BULLSHIT.
    • 10:28 PMRoss Wolinsky - If you need me, I'll be nailing Jell-O to the wall.
    • 10:29 PMDan O'Brien - I'll be nailing Palin against the wall.
  • MCCAIN:Well, let -- let me say, Bob, thank you. And thanks to Hofstra. And, by the way, our beloved Nancy Reagan is in the hospital tonight, so our thoughts and prayers are going with you.OBAMA: Well, first of all, I want to thank Hofstra University and the people of New York for hosting us tonight.MCCAIN:Senator Obama ... what you want to do to Joe the plumber ... I've talked to people like Joe the plumber ... Now, my old buddy, Joe, Joe the plumber, is out there ... We're talking about Joe the plumber!BOB SCHIEFFER:: Won't some of the programs you are proposing have to be trimmed, postponed, even eliminated? Give us some specifics on what you're going to cut back.OBAMA: "I support charter schools and pay for performance for teachers. Doesn't make me popular with the teachers union. I support clean coal technology. Doesn't make me popular with environmentalists."MCCAIN:I watched the Arizona Cardinals defeat the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday.

    every other ad was an attack ad on my health care plan that say that I oppose federal funding for stem cell research I don't ads that misportray completely my position on immigration OBAMA: "the American people have become so cynical about our politics, because all they see is a tit- for-tat and back-and-forth."MCCAIN: Let me just say categorically I'm proud of the people that come to our rallies. SCHIEFFER::Why would the country be better off if your running mate became president rather than his running mate?MCCAIN:In Iraq, he had this cockamamie idea about dividing Iraq into three countries.SCHIEFFER:: Would each of you give us a number, a specific number of how much you believe we can reduce our foreign oil imports during your first term? (MCCAIN STARTS)MCCAIN:The whole premise behind Senator Obama's plans are class warfare. OBAMA: Senator McCain talks a lot about earmarks.MCCAIN: Senator Obama talks about voting for budgets.OBAMA: Now ... a couple of things Senator McCain said ... has been disputed by everybody who has looked at this claim that Senator McCain keeps on making.SCHIEFFER:: In math and science competence ... we trail most of the countries of the world. Some even say it poses a threat to our national security. OBAMA:I think it's going to be critically important for us to recruit a generation of new teachers, an army of new teachersSCHIEFFER:: Now, for the final statements ...

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