As some of the more pop culture knowledgeable readers have already deduced from that headline, Vanilla Ice was arrested yesterday on a battery charge. Apparently, his wife bought an expensive bedroom set and, as a result, Vanilla pushed her, right in front of their daughter.
I…I’m sorry, I can’t just report on this story. I have a confession, Readers, and I need your advice on this one. I have such a guilty conscience, and I feel like I may somehow be responsible for Ice’s actions. Let me just start at the beginning. I’ll tell you this story, and you let me know if I could have done anything to prevent this mess.
Last Friday, I was at Jay-Z and Beyonce’s wedding. Don’t beat yourself up if you weren’t invited, the guest list was very small. Mostly just family, Kanye, Dame, me, Vanilla Ice, some of the Nets and Nas, (they’re cool now). I think one of Destiny’s children was in attendance do, but hell if I know. Beyonce and I don’t really get along. (I didn’t like Dreamgirls. Fucking kill me.)
It was a beautiful ceremony. Nas gave an inspiring speech as the best man and Kanye released, like, a thousand doves, (motherfucker loves doves, I’ll tell ya). There was a nice jazz band for the reception and the food was really terrific. I remember walking up to Jay-Z to hand him his present, and I remember razzing him a little bit about his recent marriage.
“So, Hova,” I said with a smirk, “you’re finally married, huh?”
“Chyeah,” He said.
“What about all that talk, huh? I thought you were a pimp in every sense of the word, Jay. I thought you giving your heart to a woman would never happen and that, further, you’d be forever mackin?” His face turned bright red. “I’m messing with you, Sean, ahah, gosh, you get so nervous sometimes. Anyway, I got you a clock radio. It’s waterproof, so you can use it in the shower.”
Anyway, it was at the reception when I ran into Vanilla Ice and he did not look good.
“What’s wrong, Robert? Where’s Mrs. Van Winkle?”
“Oh, hey D.O.B., I didn’t see you there. Laura’s not coming tonight, we’re having some… problems.” He seemed really broken up.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“We…We just keep arguing. Arguing over stupid shit, you know? I mean, how do I even know if I’m really in love with her?”
I sat him down.
“Love is very simple, Ice. When you’re in love, you can just feel it. Something grabs a hold of you tightly. Love flows, like a harpoon, not just daily, but nightly, too.”
“Wow. That was beautiful.” He then proceeded to tell me all about his marital troubles and how that pesky wife of his just keeps spending all of the money he’s earned (?) over the past few decades.
To be fair, I never really liked Laura. I always thought she was just using him for his money, connections and his locked position as a laughably obscure pop celebrity, (residing in a place I’ve named Popscurity). But, as much as I think Laura Van Winkle has always been a gold-digging opportunist, I’ve always kept my mouth shut about it. Who am I to intervene, you know?
“I mean, I definitely love her,” Ice said as the reception was winding down. “But she just keeps spending all of my dough-flow, yo. Just last week, she bought a fridge, a wine rack, and two new bedroom sets. Two! What is that?” Now, here’s where I think I might have offered some bad advice that might make me slightly, (slightly), responsible.
“Well, I’ve always had a pretty simple rule about this sort of thing, Ice. I say, if Laura buys one more bedroom set, I say you should just push her.”
“Push her?”
“Yep. Right onto the floor. It’s been my experience that women love being on the floor.” He considered this and smiled.
“Wow. Thanks DOB, you’re the best.”
“Hey man, it ain’t no thing. Anything less than the best is a felony. Oh, one more thing, when you push her, make sure your daughter’s around. Yeah.”
So what do you think? Do you think I might have, in some way, inspired Vanilla Ice to push his wife? I mean, in my defense, I was speaking metaphorically. Like, women love being on the floor of our hearts, you know? You’ve heard that expression before. You have to (figuratively) push women (with love) onto the floor (of our hearts), you know? I can’t be held responsible if Vanilla Ice has to take everything literally, right? Right?
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September 17th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Ah yes but you forgot to mention Jay Z and his pushing his wife around before the even met. What did he say? Oh yeah “Get your independant ass outta here, question.”. I totally get why you made the link. Nice.
September 13th, 2008 at 9:38 am
FAKE!
September 13th, 2008 at 8:33 am
His name’s Van Winkle. He he he he…
September 12th, 2008 at 7:00 am
[...] law, (devotees will recall that, several months ago, I may or may not have convinced Vanilla Ice to beat his wife). In fairness, if I had known Kanye was going fly off the handle and get so aggravated that [...]
August 3rd, 2008 at 1:13 am
Pushing is now battery?
I thought he had to give her five across the eyes or something
June 18th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Haha, love this site. I might have to come here more often now…
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April 19th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Bitch.
April 15th, 2008 at 12:23 am
Damn! This dude has some SERIOUS anger/rage issues. Ice, You did such a stupid thing. where’s the pool to cool off in? I think here is a book that you should read: dealstudio.com/searchdeals.php?deal_id=96934&ru=279 , Ice you deserve it!
April 14th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
haha you said nude….and point.
teehee.
April 14th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Me too, Curious… Me too. I don’t mean to critique your comment, but I think you left out the word “Nude” before “full body shot”. Sorry, I just had to point that out.
April 14th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Can I just point out that Dan has large cheekbones. I mean, to me they look really prominent. In fact, whenever I see a picture of him, I can’t help but stare at his freakishly large cheekbones… freekbones, if you will. This in no way diminishes my enjoyment of the blog, but… there you go.
April 14th, 2008 at 7:12 am
I do!
April 14th, 2008 at 7:02 am
So O’Brien looks pretty attractive in that picture, but its a little shoddy and blurry and small. Who else here thinks that Brien needs to post a full body shot? Maybe with a nice profile about his interests, hobbies, and favorite ways to be seduced?
April 13th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
So, Vicki, I thought the Richie-Matchbox-Makers site was managed out of a jail cell by someone who’s in it for life?
April 13th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I think all ya’ll just need a fake buddy, cuz who needs a real frind anyway????
http://www.fakebuddy.com
…….yo
April 13th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
On the White Rapper Show, there was a lesbo chick who really really dug Vanilla Ice. I mean, like for real. I mean, like it was not a fucking joke.
April 13th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Everyone had better SHUT THE HELL UP and not say a SINGLE NEGATIVE WORD about Vanilla Ice. I’m serious. I love that guy. And I’m not talking homosexual love, but in the love that Man has for his childhood idols. Why? Why, you say? One reason, and one reason only, that no amount of wife-pushing could undo:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.
He was THERE, man. He was part of it. ninja… ninja — RAP. So push on, Vanilla Ice! You are a king among men!
April 13th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Wait, Vicki, who is a cute baby? Laura Van Winkle? You’ve talked to her? How’s she doing?
Subquestion, what’s she doing on a hot celeb and millionaire dating site? Further, what are you doing on a hot celeb and millionaire dating site, (or here, for that matter)? We demand answers, Vicki.
April 13th, 2008 at 7:24 am
So, Vicki, did she blow you then? Did you have anal?
April 13th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Argh, spambot! Everybody make a run for it!
April 13th, 2008 at 2:22 am
love her..she is such a cute baby. I just chatted with her on the free and hot celeb and millionaire dating site “RichMatchMaki ng.c om……” We decided to meet in person next week.
April 13th, 2008 at 1:11 am
At least he didn’t grab his nine, because all you’d hear is shells…fallin’.
April 12th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Yeah, I figured you got a life or a girlfriend.
April 12th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
A waterproof clock radio would be pretty useful for all those times I’ve chosen to sleep in the shower. I’m not usually drunk, it’s just that it cuts about two minutes out of my morning routine, what with all that tedious walking to the bathroom and everything.
Oh and by the way, I’m back from my overseas trip, did anybody miss me?
April 12th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I say he’s to be commended for teaching his daughter at such a young age what her role is in life. You should have told him to beat his wife on a daily basis. He may not know what she did today to deserve the beating but she sure as shit does.
April 12th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Andy Bar, you fucker. I hate you more than anyone in the world now. That says a lot. I hate you even more than the fetus-eating monster you helped create.
I have a confession too though. I told Diablo Cody that she was a good screen-writer. I didn’t mean it, but I just didn’t have it in me to tell her that substituting the word blog for everything and making your characters rely way too heavily on quips was a bad idea. I thought to myself, what’s the worst that could happen?
Well, now we know… Juno is the worst that could happen and I am very, very sorry.
I also pushed her to give Michael Cera less than 8 total minutes of screen time… I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.
April 12th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I know how you feel. I still regret the day that I talked Billy Ray and his wife out of that abortion…
April 12th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
This is just like that time I went bowling with Ice Cube, and I may have told him to go into kid’s movies.
All I said was, “Ice, you know you’re my brother, but have you ever thought of commercialising a little? I mean, being a gangsta is great and all, but at some point all the gunfights and bitches be mad work dawg.”
He nodded solemly, before realising he’d never actually met me before, asked me who the fuck I was, at which point I had to run away.
Running in bowling shoes is fucking hard.
April 12th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Oh god, will it ever stop?
Yo–I do not know,
Turn off the lights & I will glow.
Ice Ice Baby.
April 12th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
What lyrics are you talking about?
April 12th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Goodness, thank you Kingmonkey+1. It occurred to me late last night that everyone might not get the reference. Or anyone. I don’t know if normal people follow Ice’s lyrics just as closely as I do. I was worried you all might just think that I genuinely feel like love flows like a harpoon…
I don’t.
April 12th, 2008 at 9:54 am
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April 12th, 2008 at 9:02 am
It’s true that love does flow like a harpoon. I’ve also heard it said that it rocks a mic like a vandal, lights up stages, and waxes chumps like candles.
April 12th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Dobby……. that’s funny as hell, He even looks like Dobby.
April 12th, 2008 at 8:17 am
If we get more blogs tagged “Jay-Z and I are friends”, I will be a happy man. Cheers Dobby.
April 12th, 2008 at 1:50 am
I wouldn’t worry about Jay thinking you’re an idiot though.
April 12th, 2008 at 1:49 am
I’d see about getting your money back Dan and an attorney because Jay Z may sue after getting electrocuted.
April 12th, 2008 at 1:33 am
You don’t want to be on Jay’s bad side either. He may respect women better than Vanilla Ice, but he wouldn’t hesitate to put a dude in his place.
April 12th, 2008 at 12:17 am
You’re fucking kidding me, glendoor. That motherfucker at Linens N Things swore to me- he swore- that it was waterproof. I said “Is this waterproof” and he said “Yes, of course, sir.” Son of a bitch.
Jay’s gonna think I’m an idiot now
April 12th, 2008 at 12:01 am
Ambiguity is under-rated. I’m a fan.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
I don’t even believe it’s water resistant.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Dan is that the actual clock radio you got them, because that one is not waterproof.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
O.D.B., He was Under Pressure to push his wife. He gets the Robert Blake seal of approval.
April 11th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Bacalao: Cracked Science Corner vanished LONG ago. Wasn’t that Ian Cooper’s (may he RIP) thing?
April 11th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Barcaleo is now my new favorite blogposter. It used to be kingmonkey +1 and Ron Burgundy, but now it’s totally Barcaleo. Keep them coming. I’m eager for more!
April 11th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
holy crap bacalao, i wish i had that problem. i mean, every time i write something down, somebody’s tying to use my writings for toilet paper, half the time before i’m even done writing it.
and it’s tough to write stuff with an ass being wiped on it.
o’brien knows what i mean.
April 11th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
After carefully analyzing the transcript of the alleged conversation, I have determined that Daniel O’Brien (aka the Defendent) may be slightly responsible for the alleged pushing-in-front-of-daughtering.
April 11th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
I don’t think you can be held responsible for the actions of a resident of Popscurity, regardless of what you said to him. Eventually, they all snap. It’s hard out there for a pimp. Especially a white one with no discernible pimping skills.
April 11th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Dudes, what the fuck! Every time O’brien writes something, you all start sucking his cock! Besides, the other bloggers have written about a gazillion blogs and you’re judging O’Brien on just a couple of blogs. On another note, we still don’t know his “thing”, you know? Like, we all know Swaim is racist and plugs the muskets thing every time and Gladstone hates Nirvana. What if O’brien’s “thing” is that he hates us? So I say FUCK HIM for his ambiguousness. So Bob, katkcheshire, Robb and Raymundo, if you love O’brien so much, why don’t you gay marry him in Massachusetts? And where the fuck is the science corner!!!1one!?
April 11th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
It is your fault DOB. But.. don’t beat yourself up.
Beat your wife up.
April 11th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
God dammit, O’Brien. You, and your blogging, have wrecked my face. You are a face-wreckingly good blogger, and a face wreck-tastic human being. If t’were not in direct violation of God’s law, I would marry you. You and your face-wreckingly good blogs.
Brava, sir. Brava
April 11th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Well, Gladstone is still my favorite, but this, this was really quality work, it made me laugh, but it also made me think ,what if some of the advice i have given in the past has lead to such deplorable actions? What if? And now i must go think about life, thank you Dan O’Brien, you have done much for my situational morality.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
If your not pushing your wife to the ground on an hourly basis, you fail at life.
I see no reason the Ice-man should be locked up. Wives need a good push down every once in awhile to show them who’s boss.
Oh and thanks alot for giving H to the Izz O, V to the Izz A a waterproof clock radio. He’ll probably retun mine for store credit at Target and make me look like an asshole.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
That bitch had it coming. And what’s the big deal with a push? I tell you, America (’merica for all you true patriots) is being pussified; since 1919! (Women’s sufferage for all you true patriots.) True patriots are dumb.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
katkcheshire, I’d suggest seeing a cardiologist. DOB’s is the number 48355 cause of heart problems in America, and the world in general. Clearly a major concern in today’s society.
Oh, and didn’t domestic abuse died from the celebrity (even a H list like Vanilla) scene? I thought pedophilia and Scientology took over after the O.J trial.
Vanilla’s out of touch.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
You have just pushed Swaim out of my heart as my favorite blogger and rightfully took your place in my left atrium. Well played sir, well played.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Dan O’Brien is my new favorite Cracked blogger. Maybe it’s because of the whole Ross Swaim/Michael Wolinsky identity crisis, but between this and the Webby’s blog, he might have been able to earn that title without their help.
Hilarious shit, sir.