Stay Snug As A Bug With These 5 Cozy Sleep Products

This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.

Sleeping: It's that thing where you shut your eyes for almost a third of the day, and for some of us, it's the best third of the day. If you love sleeping as much as we do, these five bodacious sleep aids will have you spending less time tossing and turning and more time in dream land, where you'll win the Super Bowl with your team of yourself and Elijah Wood's four twins, and ride your victory dragon to Little Caesar's.

Serenity Weighted Blanket

If you're the kind of person who tosses and turns all night, whether it be because you just can't get comfortable or because your past misdeeds haunt you relentlessly, then you need to get yourself a Serenity Weighted Blanket. The Serenity is full of weighted beads that simulate the feeling of being hugged when you curl up beneath it. This releases serotonin and melatonin in your body while lowering your blood pressure and heart rate, helping you fall asleep. It's like taking a big friendly antidepressant in blanket form, and right now you can get a 20-pound Serenity Weighted Blanket for $239.

EvaPolar evaLIGHT Air Conditioner

Trying to fall asleep in a hot room is one of the cruelest trials that humans are forced to endure. If you don't live in a place with central air, then you're going to be sweating yourself to sleep several months out of the year. OR you can get yourself the EvaPolar evaLIGHT Air Conditioner. This lunchbox-sized personal air conditioner is perfect for cooling off a defined space, and it runs on any USB power source, allowing you to plug it in anywhere. Plus, it's ten times more efficient than most portable ACs. If that isn't enough, it also doubles as a humidifier and dust filter, so you don't have to worry about snoring up any micro-junk while you sleep. You can get one now for just $149, 25 percent off its regular price.

LectroFan High Fidelity White Noise Machine

You might be able to sleep in a house that's entirely made of fire alarms, or you might be the type of person who wakes up at night because their skin is too loud. Whatever kind of sleeper you are, the LectroFan High Fidelity White Noise Machine is something you need on your bedside table immediately. The LectroFan has 20 unique digital sounds, all with precise volume control, which can be used as white noise to lull you to sleep, or as a masking noise to block out other noises. You can get one right now at 20 percent off, just $39.99.

Anti-Snoring Jaw Strap Two-Pack

Lying beside someone who snores and NOT beating them awake with a pillowcase full of door knobs is a herculean trial. So to avoid any and all doorknob-related violence, invest in the Anti-Snoring Jaw Strap. This adjustable strap fits snugly around your head, keeping your jaw in place and helping to prevent snoring, TMJ pain, sleep apnea, and bruxism. Get a two-pack now for a 67 percent discount of $12.99, so you and your partner can get a good night's sleep, and possibly get your money back for all those doorknobs.

1800 Series Bamboo Extra Soft Four-Piece Sheet Set

No matter how many Star Wars characters you put on them, nobody wants to sleep on starchy uncomfortable sheets. That's why you need the 1800 Series Bamboo Extra Soft Sheet Set. These lightweight sheets are made from double-brushed microfiber, making them more breathable than a pair of silk boxer shorts floating in the breeze. They're also hypoallergenic, so you won't be sneezing out your insides before you dive into sleep. Get a Queen set now for $39.00, 21 percent off the normal price.

Leave the late night parties to the Nightwalkers. You've worked hard, you've earned some quiet time. Go ye gently into the Death Starry Night.

Tomorrow you're gonna do good things. But right now, you're gonna get some rest. Goodnight You Princes Of Maine, Kings Of The Cracked Store.