A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
…you respected George Lucas. Just when you thought he had finished defiling your cherished memories, the Star Wars creator (and destroyer) announced yesterday that he plans to exhume those memories, rip their heads off, and take a dump down their necks:
George Lucas is planning a live-action television series spinoff of the “Star Wars” film franchise… which will not include the films’ major characters. “The Skywalkers aren’t in it, and it’s about minor characters,” Lucas told the Times on Tuesday.
I know what you’re thinking: haven’t there already been several awesome Star Wars adaptations on the small screen? Who could forget the epic Ewoks: Battle for Endor (starring Wilford Brimley, no less), or the classic Ewoks cartoon (with perhaps the best theme music ever to come out of the entire franchise), to say nothing of the utter majesty that was The Star Wars Holiday Special?
But apparently Almighty George isn’t content to rest on those sturdy laurels. So on the off-chance that he’s still open to suggestions about this minor-character-driven show, and in gratitude for the good times we once shared before he blew it all to hell, I’d like to offer the following show ideas, absolutely free:
Catching Up with the Fetts
$25,000 Jedi Mind-Trick Pyramid
Womprat Manor
Are You Smarter than a Tauntaun?
Mos Eisley Vice
Akbar, P.I.
America’s Next Top Jawa
Who Wants to Marry Han Solo’s Cousin’s Ex-Girlfriend?
The Real Housewives of Ice Planet Hoth
Droid Eye for the Carbonite Guy
Hermi Odle Can’t Lose
Kick Jar-Jar in the Nuts for Fifty Bucks
Sand People Say the Darndest Things!
….and of course:
Star Wars: The Next Generation
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October 22nd, 2007 at 10:56 am
In installment III, Hermi Odle is apprehended peeking under a stall in the men’s room of the Binghamton Airport. (But, he’s not about to resign!)
October 19th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
I also forgot American Nerf-Herder.
October 19th, 2007 at 9:17 am
you left out Survivor: Degoba System
October 18th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
The things that made the second trilogy bearable (namely neat special effects and natalie portman) are both too expensive for TV.
October 18th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Yeah, and the sumbitch took out the guns in E.T., too! Wait…
October 18th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
After he turned the first movie into “A New Jurassic Hope, ruining one of moviedom’s classic anti-heroes in the process (Han Shot First, you fat, flannel-wearing bastard!), and then showed how one of the greatest villains ever written was once a whiny pussy, I ain’t holding out hope for this show. Thanx for raping my childhood, George! It shows that, when you don’t have Spielberg or Irwin Kirshner fronting the shit for you, you have no filter. Create good effects to fit the story, not the other way around!
October 18th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Thanks, “Fag”–You give voice to the voiceless; hope to the hopeless, and pwnage to the pwnless.
October 18th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
stru n00b lucas is teh roxor an live acton show wil pwn yr @$$
October 18th, 2007 at 10:32 am
If George Lucas would own up to himself and release the Star Wars Holiday Special on DVD, I might just learn to respect the man again. Then again, given the crap he took on us with the recycled laserdisc transfers he released as DVDs of the actual original trilogy, I guess I kind of doubt it. And mind you, I speak as someone who actually liked most of the changes that were executed in the Special Edition. The Very Special Edition was going way too far, and refusing to give fans an actual, even-handed choice gives us all a rather big clue as to what George really thinks of his fans.
October 18th, 2007 at 9:52 am
Hermi Odle Can’t Lose
October 18th, 2007 at 9:26 am
Hilarious! Yeah, that Holiday special was a turd! I’m hoping they’ll release a whole collection again on DVD, so I can buy it for the 4th time! (Including I’ve had it on VHS, laserdisc, now DVD)
October 18th, 2007 at 8:22 am
If you don’t like it, ignore it. Easy.
You won’t even have to fork out for a cinema ticket to watch some shite Star Wars, like you did with Episodes I to III.