Hi everyone. It’s Chris Tiberius Bucholz here, with another heaping serving of Star Trek gossip for you. Apparently sometime over the last week this column became the central clearing house on the Internet for Star Trek movie spoilers and speculation, which I have to admit surprised me, but I also have to admit, didn’t surprise me much. Not one to turn down an easy topic for a column, I’ve kicked over countless stones this last week to dig up the hottest, barely legal Star Trek spoilers you could possibly handle. Set your phasers to fun and join me, won’t you?
First some background for those that aren’t in on the whole Star Trek history thing. There’s a pretty low bar set for Star Trek films: most are terrible, and the ones that aren’t, are completely unwatchable. As a Trek fan, I’ll admit to being disappointed with nearly all of them, and I can’t imagine what watching a recent Trek film must have been like if you weren’t a fan. Greasy and baffling I’m guessing. In fact, when you think about it, the best Star Trek film in the last 20 years was probably Galaxy Quest. And when a goddamned Tim Allen movie does something better than anything, you know the world’s gone just a bit topsy turvy.
What I’m hoping is that this movie, which is a prequel to all the other movies and the original series, will offer a fresh start for the franchise. Although it’s not a reboot of the franchise per se, it’s being developed with a fresh eye and is an attempt to make Trek accessible to people with washed hair.
Here’s what we know about the plot so far. This is an origin story, which shows how Kirk and Spock got their start in Starfleet. We’ll see Kirk’s troubled childhood, trading two handed punches with local toughs. And we’ll watch him grow up on his aunt and uncle’s moisture farm with his dreams of something greater. Spock will also be shown growing up on Vulcan, where he’ll go through things that are a little less interesting. The main villain of the movie is supposedly a Romulan sent back in time, working on some sort of nefarious scheme that can be foiled by reversing the polarity of something, or telling a paradox to a computer. Pretty standard Trek fare basically.
But that’s all common knowledge. Let’s see what happens when we turn our laser-like focus on these screenshots I’ve managed to uncover from my intense research….
Here’s Chris Pine as James Kirk. I guess he looks like a young Kirk. I’m still not 100 percent sold though. That’s definitely not a Kirk like pose. That’s a Banana Republic like pose.
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When we look at the two right beside each other, the relief is a little starker. Although the two have similar features, Shatner looks like a goddamned animal. Even understanding the difference between photographs and the real world, I look at that and am at least a little concerned Kirk will leap out of the screen and have sex with me. If he had made eye contact with the camera when this was taken we would all be pregnant by now.
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Now Pine is looking a little more like Kirk, having perfected Shatner’s patented “sitting in a chair like an asshole” technique. Good stuff. What else is there? I’m glad to see the short skirt in the background. It speaks to the advancement of a culture when creamy thighs aren’t tucked away behind unitards like elbows or something else that’s useless. We can also see Bones in the background, thinking. Here I’m imagining J.J. Abrams on the set screaming “Think harder you idiot! HARDER.” And in the foreground, we have an unknown character, the blurry focus concealing his identity.
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I’ve lost my notes, so I’m not sure what this is. I’d heard J.J. Abrams is a big fan of model-based special effects, so I guess this is from some special effects sequence. This actually reminds me of Kirk a little more than Chris Pine.
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No notes with this one either. I think this is a young Kirk in a fistfight with a 1967 Corvette.
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Spock and Kirk having a disagreement about each other’s mothers.
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I was a huge believer in the ability of model-based special effects to hold their own against CG, but have to admit being a little disappointed in this. Hopefully this will be cleaned up by the final edit.
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OK, that was fun, but check out this–I totally saved the best for last. This is the meat of it folks; the dilithium crystal tucked away in a field of turd crystals. I have here an actual script fragment from the actual movie! It was emailed to me this weekend by an inside source, who goes only by the name RockOutWithYourSpockOut. Apparently there’s some secret places on IRC where tons of leaks like this are traded freely, but RockOut was only willing to part with this fragment, and only once I sent him $50. Strap yourself in and send all power to forward shields, fellas, because this will flatten your balls…
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Wow. Just wow. And apparently it goes on like this! RockOut tells me there’s a scene with Scotty and the ship’s mysterious wise bartender wrestling where they’re both lubed up more than a pair of Alterian Grease Kittens that I can have for another $200. I basically need to see that really bad, so if anyone wants to Paypal me some cash, I’ll see if I can get some more of this up for us all to enjoy.
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You can follow Chris Bucholz right here, right on this page you’re looking at right now, because he is too damned busy for Twitter.
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This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 21st, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Star Trek. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 10th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
oh no .. my ex girlfriend has put up her video at http://flirtycams.org
July 25th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
This article had me in tears laughing…
June 14th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
‘67 Corvette ??? I think not!!! ‘65 OR ‘66, but NOT a ‘67!
June 2nd, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Ahaha! The picture of Picard and Reiker made me laugh so hard. XD This is a great article. I did really enjoy the movie.
May 30th, 2009 at 7:53 am
OK.
That last picture at the end made me laugh out loud.
May 20th, 2009 at 12:18 am
“Spock and Kirk having a disagreement about each other’s mothers.”
Well, whaddaya know, Bucholz got it right.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
i think that instead of kirk having sex with an evil version of himself, he shudda screwed DOB, which is like screwing the evil, more retarded version of himself(:
May 19th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
You sir are a prophet, Kirk and Spock really were fighting about his mother.
May 18th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
First off you are not very funny and I do not know why I would expect you to be. Any true Trek fan would mention “Wrath of Khan” as a very good Star Trek movie. You mentioning Galaxy Quest in the same breath as Star Trek pretty much sums it up.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Godammit, Bucholz! Why can’t you ever warn me when I’m about to be impregnated by a Kirk photo?
May 8th, 2009 at 12:15 am
bunni Says:
April 29th, 2009 at 2:35 am
fucking cast chace crawford or one of the jonas brothers already.
seriously, did they learn nothing from starwars prequels? pretty boys cant set the precedent for a badass.
Bunni, who the f**k are the Joas Bros ?
Be champions.
May 5th, 2009 at 7:18 am
I think the last picture pretty much sums up the article. Loved the script. Long enough to be uncomfterable, short enough to be funny. Nice.
April 29th, 2009 at 3:28 am
@ Andrew
Not unless Uhura is a sassy grandma in a fat suit.
“Yo, ships be flyin’!”
April 29th, 2009 at 2:35 am
fucking cast chace crawford or one of the jonas brothers already.
seriously, did they learn nothing from starwars prequels? pretty boys cant set the precedent for a badass.
April 28th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Okay.Will Ensign Sulu in the new version be straight or gay??
“Oh My Captain!!You Look Tense!!Here,Let Me Turn Down The Lights;Put On Some Clay Aiken and Give You a Nice Back Rub!!”.
Rock;Paper;Scissors;Lizard;Spock!!
April 28th, 2009 at 10:53 am
I noticed on IMDB that Tyler Perry is in this movie. Why the hell is it not called “Tyler Perry’s Star Trek”??? Maybe the commercials on TBS have this title…I’ll have to check.
April 28th, 2009 at 8:51 am
# jim Says:
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Not even slightly funny and star trek sucks.
Ummm yeah. Jealous with what little you’ve done with your life vs. that of Gene Roddenberry’s there Jimbo? I guess you’re right. All those hundreds of millions of fans that have gravitated towards an optimistic future that is Star Trek (understanding of all things, adventure, exploration… just to name a few qualities the concept offers) pale in comparison to your comments that Star Trek sucks… LOL! I guess NO ONE has ever paid to see a Star Trek movie, bought the DVD’s, watched all the series over the decades. But you’re right… it all sucks and it’s all one huge mistake. It’s a shame blog sites give a voice to the jealous closet-dwellers like yourself that stick your arm out into the world now and again only to type the (obviously) jealous crap we read coming from your Mother’s basement. We’re all awaiting your gift to the world… loser.
April 28th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Star Trek gives me a raging boner! Just like neilsnotes(dot)com does!!!!!
April 25th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Much better than the information I got from UhuraRocksOutWithHerBoxOut.
April 25th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Karl Urban was also in Lord of The Rings. He was Eomer, remember? In the trailer, he has one of the best Trek quotes ever: Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.
And Kirk is Chris Pine, which the only movie I recognised are Princess Diaries 2, Smoking Aces and Just My Luck. He’s also rumoured to be playing Hal Jordan in the planned Green Lantern movie.
April 25th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
hello sailor
April 24th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I dunno about Simon. I’ve always been a major fan of his but I’ve also always been a major fan of Doohan’s original portrayal.
He made Scotty seem exactly what he was supposed to be; grizzled, hard-assed and loyal. I just don’t think Simon has that in him.
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:17 pm
GOOD!!!!!!! Too damn busy for twitter!!!!
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Not even slightly funny and star trek sucks.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Simon Pegg??? Noooooo! Will probably be the only watchable character, though.
And Carl Urban from “Doom”& “Chronicles of Riddick”? Actually, come to think of it… he’ll probably be able to pull off the character’s cranky intensity made so comically famous by DeForest Kelly’s over-acting.
Anyway, I’m totally wrong about the guy playing Sulu. Checked Imdb. Not Harold of Harold & Kumar…
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
@Eric: Oh shit! I totally forgot Tony Shaloub. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it.
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:41 am
Dugg for the twitter digg at Dan the man and Swaim the…maim? Yeah, we’ll go with that.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:43 pm
That’s Altairian, not Alterian, if you’re trying to appeal to all the Hitchhiker’s Guide fans out here. *waves towel*
By the way, has anyone seen my Electronic Thumb?
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:05 pm
If nobody has known this yet:
Scotty = Simon Pegg
Bones = Karl Urban
Spock = Zachary Quinto
Captain Pike = Bruce Greenwood
I think something happened (the senior crews getting kidnapped or killed) that causes the young crew members to become in charge of the ship.
I don’t see any technology being more advanced in this than in the other Treks. If there are any future tech, it was brought from the future via time travel.
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Adrian, no! Speaking of Twilight will only bring the fans! And with the fans comes…
DEATH.
(Holy shit, I should write Michael Bay movies.)
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Holy shit, that’s either Eomer or Matt LeBlanc playing Bones.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Kirk pose is similar to that Edward vampire’s pose throughout Twighlight, emphasizing his massive brow . . . ugh, ugh.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:46 pm
New Kirk pose looks like Zoolander pose.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:17 am
That’s hot. I mean, really hot. Yeah, you just made the fangirls in the audience um… yeah… nevermind about the fangirls…
April 22nd, 2009 at 2:04 am
Dya know why this will suck?
Same reason Star Wars I, II and III sucked. (Well, one of the reasons those films sucked.)
The technology.
This is supposed to be a prequel yet you can guarantee the technology they have will vastly outrank what they had in the original series/films so it will be totally implausible, thus fucking it up something rotten!
In Star Wars at least they had a massive war to blame for the crap technology in Star Wars IV. What excuse does Star Trek have?
April 21st, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Tiberius???? Ahahaha tnx for the laugh.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:51 pm
@IBH:
you forgot to mention that the victim of said “tentacle rape” is Tony Shaloub aka Monk!!
and he seemed to be enjoying it!!
@El Jefe:
what about Malcolm McDowell in Generations? or James Cromwell in First Contact? on Ron Perleman in Nemesis? granted he was under heavy make-up, but he was also under make-up as HellBoy!!
April 21st, 2009 at 6:06 pm
They should have let you write the script. Nice.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:08 pm
“The Wrath of Khan” was the ONLY Star Trek film with an actual actor (Ricardo Montalban, may he RIP) The dream must not die; but it MUST be in hands other than NASA.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:34 pm
DAT ASS.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Tiberius, as in James Tiberius Kirk.
Yes, Sylar guy is playing Spock and it looks like Harold, of Harold and Kumar, is Sulu.
“I’ve never understood why some people feel compelled to go watch a movie they already know they’re going to hate.” Trekkies are all masochists. It’s a fact.
BTW, I liked Galaxy Quest. Hell, it had Alan Rickman and Sigourney Weaver. Sam Rockwell’s in it too. Anyone who hasn’t seen it, but might be willing to watch it, should know two things.
1. It’s not Citizen Kane.
2. There is tentacle rape.
April 21st, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I want to see some EnterpriseXWarbird shipping!
April 21st, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Wrath of Khan is an outstanding sci-fi/adventure film, within context of the Trek films, and #4 wasn’t shabby, despite the whales….what is up with time travel & trek? The movies took a nosedive with #5, and built up speed with the next gen. towards the outhouse. This movie will be solid, but it faces some tough competition with the other summer flicks. live long and prosper.
April 21st, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Tiberius?? Tiberius is the second name of Bucholz??? i can’t belive it, that can’t be true… my god… I didn’t want to know that much, man you have ruined my life…
April 21st, 2009 at 2:07 pm
patented “sitting in a chair like an asshole technique”… GENIUS!!
April 21st, 2009 at 2:03 pm
@ANON
Thanks, I saw the pear.
April 21st, 2009 at 1:33 pm
my brother is a Trek hater, and has always mocked anyone who’s ever shown interest in it
but now that there is new “cool” movie coming out, he wants to see it
April 21st, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Fucking hysterical. As a Trek hater, this is something I’ll have to show to Khukklez. (Don’t ask.)
April 21st, 2009 at 1:14 pm
DAT ASS
April 21st, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Dildo Dildo Rooney Roo.
April 21st, 2009 at 12:45 pm
that was so unfunny I dont want to see the real movie any more
April 21st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
meh 2nded
April 21st, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Meh.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:49 am
[...] 8 Piping Hot, Barely Legal Star Trek Prequel Photos (Cracked) [...]
April 21st, 2009 at 11:39 am
Goddamn, now I’m excited to see this movie. I just added it to my Netflix list.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:24 am
I am still reluctant with the “bagpiping”, I mean Christ, there are limits. I don’t care how orifices Borgs are supposed to have. Stiffen, I will hook you up with my agent. And I am all for “Sulu” bukkake. spocky_discharge447, or Bulchotz, Bulchoz, or what the fuck ever you call yourself on this site, $500 flat.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:16 am
The postscript sentence at the end was great. Stupid Twitter.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:06 am
HAWT
April 21st, 2009 at 10:48 am
RockOutWihYourSpockOut:
I will back out on our deal unless you agree with my ideas for Scotty’s “bagpiping” scene!
(I do agree with the Sulu bukkake, though! That was a stroking of genius, my friend.)
April 21st, 2009 at 10:20 am
brilliant!
April 21st, 2009 at 10:02 am
LOLZ FACEPALM!!!!
April 21st, 2009 at 9:52 am
Hahahaha, this was funny. Put a smile on my face for sure.
April 21st, 2009 at 9:22 am
Hey Bucholz you think you can get me the email of Spockout? I have some Worf/ McCoy/LaForge stories I’ve been waiting to get off my harddrive…
April 21st, 2009 at 9:17 am
Sylar?
April 21st, 2009 at 8:46 am
Kirk and Evil Kirk gay fanfic. You magnificent bastard.
April 21st, 2009 at 8:45 am
I’ve never understood why some people feel compelled to go watch a movie they already know they’re going to hate. Why put yourself through the agony? Or others through the tedium of listen to you bitch about it later?
Seriously, at the very least wait until it hits video so you can save yourself some cash.
For my part, I say the more discontinuities the better! I think the Star Trek franchise could use an official reboot by now if they want to keep it moving. The only sad part about this is that it still involves fucking time travel. Apparently the Star Trek vision of the future is so boring that the only way to make anything interesting happen is for someone to time travel from one point to another.
April 21st, 2009 at 8:26 am
kirk=shatner
why bother with anyone else?
i’m so going to see the movie, and i’m SO going to hate it.
good article, BTW, the pics really made a difference.
April 21st, 2009 at 8:18 am
What the hell. Have you not seen First Contact?
April 21st, 2009 at 8:13 am
This is a great news!! so, for celebration, I want to recommend you lonely guys who hate lonely nights a great online club to meet your activity partner, romance and lover, either for heat or passion: __Tallconnect.com___ the most popular place for hot modelss, handsome men meet and mingle! u might be surprise what u end up with!!LOL
April 21st, 2009 at 7:45 am
Chris Pine will be playing Hal Jordan in the upcoming Green Lantern movie
April 21st, 2009 at 7:37 am
excerpt
April 21st, 2009 at 7:34 am
My god yes.
April 21st, 2009 at 7:09 am
That exert [is that how you spell it?!] reads like a fanfiction xD
beautiful piece, btw.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:57 am
kingmonkey… OUR script, half and half… a deal’s a deal. Don’t you fucking back out on me now.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:48 am
I’m confused. How did this SpockOut guy get my Star Trek script?
April 21st, 2009 at 6:47 am
Holy shit. This was the funniest article on Cracked in a long, long while.
I love you, Bucholz.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:21 am
“If he had made eye contact with the camera when this was taken we would all be pregnant by now.” Yeah, that’s exactly right.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:17 am
GODDAMMIT spocky_discharge4472, I told you not to publish this fucking thing. The $200 just upped to $500. And it is due, TODAY!!!
April 21st, 2009 at 6:14 am
Favorite Chris piece ever? Maybe.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:04 am
The script “excerpt” is so damn beautiful.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:59 am
i applaud you bucholz….but NO ONE is too busy for twitter……
April 21st, 2009 at 5:58 am
That description of Shatner is far and away the best thing I’ve read this month.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:52 am
bucholz tuesday
April 21st, 2009 at 5:34 am
So… you just go from graduating class to complete crew? And captain no less… It doesn’t make a lot of sense.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:26 am
Great one, Bucholz! You make being a Trekkie fun.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:19 am
Now that I’ve read it, that was great. Bucholz, you are the man, no matter what doctorchaos says.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:13 am
Freakin’ 2nd!!!! Now I shall read the article
April 21st, 2009 at 4:15 am
Is it sad that I liked Galaxy Quest? Well, from the first ten minutes I saw. I never did watch it all the way. I just liked giggling at Alan Rickman. That would make a weird buddy movie. Tim Allen and Alan Rickman, that is. I imagine it would just be them sitting awkwardly for an hour and a half because Tim would be afraid to speak to Alan at all. I mean, why should you when you risk the chance of being crushed underneath that brow of his?