Cracked Columnists

Text Messages From Spencer Pratt While Being Tortured

1heidi_spencerWhen I saw on Google News yesterday that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag of television "fame" were tortured on a game show, I nearly shat my chair. The number of people in the world who want to see Spencer Pratt brutally tortured is rapidly approaching the population of India. The prospect of him and his less-annoying-but-only-just girlfriend getting tortured while television cameras watched, produced some sort of horrible gastrointestinal Pavlovian response in me.

After a bit of investigation however, it appears my chair was in no serious danger. Nothing even remotely approaching torture happened to the pair. It turns out that while on the show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Heidi forgot to eat for three days, and her stomach began eating itself. She was then rushed to the hospital, idiot boyfriend in tow. The only person who actually claimed she was tortured was Spencer's sister who, despite not being present at the scene, still has a fucking Twitter feed that's apparently considered a capital-S "Source." Nice work Journalism.

spencer-pratt-boom-boxLook at the smug little bastard, with his $2000 purse.

With no actual torture to make hilarious torture jokes about, I was a little stuck for article ideas. Fortunately for me, Spencer was sending text messages to the outside world throughout this whole ordeal. Also fortunately, to supplement our income a little, Cracked had a cell tower installed on the roof of our building, and consequently all cell traffic through the western hemisphere is now routed through Cracked servers (AT&T are idiots). It was a simple matter then for me to pluck Spencer's texts from the ether.

It turns out Spence sent over 23,000 text messages during his two days in the jungle. However the vast majority contained only the characters:

:-|

Which at first I thought was some kind of technical problem. It was only after I showed it to DOB that he explained to me: "It's the emoticon for a blank look." He kind of swore under his breath after that, and then slammed the door really hard.*

(*DOB doesn't actually have a door to slam of course, much less an office--it was just the door to the staff kitchen. Also, we were both on the same side of the door when he slammed it--afterward we just stood there, staring at our shoes. After a few seconds he opened the door again and went back to his desk.)

Anyways, I've plucked out the text messages where Spencer actually says something, and removed any identifying features about the recipients (they were mostly minor celebrities, but also for some reason a Los Angeles area Pizza Hut).

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Sent: 10:05 PM June 5th

O sick! They put us in a cra-z little room with a cot and it's made of wood like a tree.

Sent: 10:08 PM June 5th

we have to sleep here because we left but then wanted to come back because they have cameras here

Sent: 11:23 PM June 5th

That was f'ed up bro! A spider just bit me, and as soon as he did he fell over dead. All the other spiders are running away now. What do you think that means?

Sent: 08:19 AM June 6th

i have no idea who any of thees other celebrities r. I thought you were supposed to be famous 2 be a celebrity? What you were in a bunch of movies once? Ha ha loser.

Sent: 11:34 AM June 6th

Foods good. Lobsters and ahi and like tostada things from a little food trailer just off the set.

Sent: 11:38 AM June 6th

it's great cuz I get Heidi's food. shes not eating to make her chest look bigger. science?

dasaniSent: 11:50 AM June 6th

What the fuck is this Dasani bullshit? do I look lik a homeless person?

Sent: 11:58 AM June 6th

Oh Jesus no! Heidi's feeling sick. She is dry heaving all over an ugly plant. I am helping her with prayers but the plant it so ugly it's hard.

Sent: 12:11 PM June 6th

Oh jesus why do you make some plants so ugly? When I get home I am going to get really into plants and fix them.

Sent: 12:18 PM June 6th

Heidi is making hilarious sounds. I'm gonna record a video of this. this is hilarious

Sent: 12:21 PM June 6th

oh i'm in trouble now. please help me jesus. demons made me make a mistake and i am sorry.

Sent: 03:31 PM June 6th

Heidi's still sick and the sounds ar5e less funny now. fuck this noise. lets go home

Sent: 04:05 PM June 6th

What the fuck? We're in the ambulance and I'm rapping with the parimedic that I really respect him and his people and then he punches me in the mouth.

Sent: 04:19 PM June 6th

i tried to kick at the paramdic but he just pointed at me and said something in Spanish. He's CRAZY dude. I'm sitting on the other side of the ambulance now. I think my mouth needs crutches

Sent: 04:42 PM June 6th

we're at the hospital im gonna get this paramedic fired. Jesus please help me get this man fired.

1123Imagine this picture, tiled and set as the background behind the most asinine drivel you've ever seen. Then click on this.Warning: Cracked is not responsible for any eye or brain damage that occurs as a result.Sent: 04:50 AM June 6th

o right. Heidi. the doctors are all asking questions. she is so brave.

Sent: 05:01 AM June 6th

Heidi's cans look amazing when she's sick. They look sick! Hah! "Sick" can mean "good" sometimes, you know?

Sent: 06:23 PM June 6th

Oh crap! A doctor just punched me in the mouth too! What'd I do?

Sent: 06:31 PM June 6th

To get back at the doctor, I just Spenced out all over the place, and may have slapped his nurse. That'll show him.

Sent: 06:46 PM June 6th

Oh fuck! All the police just punched me in the mouth. It was like 30 guys, and some of them went twice.

Sent: 07:23 PM June 6th

The NBC lawyers talked the police into stop punching me. Thank you Jesus for sending me the NBC lawyers. I got your back bro.

Sent: 08:10 PM June 6th

this whole week has been BS. I am going to sue NBC! Jesus, please give me a sign that I should sue NBC?

Sent: 08:12 PM June 6th

Oh CRAZY! A bird just flew into my mouth and crapped in it!

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