As a blogger, one must become sensitively attuned to some very specific phenomenon. News stories involving nudity, stupid criminals, or--preferably--both. Upcoming holidays that could have inspired "novelty items in poor taste." Websites featuring those items. And, of course, upcoming documentaries about ailing teen pop sensations.
Britney: For the Record
follows Brit for three months, and is part of her sweeping "comeback" effort. I guess after all that footage of her shaving her head, dropping her baby, getting stoned with K-Fed, and being bloated and pitchy at the Grammys (and that’s just one clip), her PR team decided the best way to win back the love of the public was to point a camera at her and just let her go.
Although the numerous leaks and plants that have preceded the movie’s premiere have held off on revealing what career-killing atrocity Brit has planned for the climax, there’s been enough “real Britney” in the air already to convince me this one’s going to be a winner.
Some pearls of wisdom from Spears herself:
"Instead of following my heart and doing something that made me really happy, I just did it for the idea of everything."
“I was a pretty cool chick, and I’m really not that way anymore.”
“My life is worse than a prison sentence.”
“It’s bad. I’m sad.”
This pattern continues until she’s communicating entirely with monosyllabic grunts and lip curls.
I think I’ve already gleaned all the Britney-related information I’m going to get from this documentary. Firstly, that she’s a developmentally stunted woman/girl whose handlers never allowed her to develop a behavioral palette of more than four colors, and secondly, that it’s hilarious to watch her try and express human emotion.
So that you don’t feel the need to actually watch it when it comes out, I’ve taken it upon myself to capture her essence and synthesize what I’m predicting will be the best quotes and moments from For the Record
. As an added challenge, I’ve included three real Britney quotes. See if you can sort the fakes from the genuine article.
Britney on the Civil War:
“In the end, I still blame myself, even though I try not to.”
Britney on her comeback:
“I’m coming back like a train, like the biggest train. Woo woooo!”
Britney on Darfur:
"I think it could be a lot worse; people have it a lot worse than I do."
Britney on the theories of Sir Isaac Newton:
“What goes up, it’s like, sometimes…when I dance, I think it’s almost a spiritual way of—it comes down.”
Britney on her time in the Mouseketeers:
"I let bad people into my life because I was lonely."
Britney quotes Ralph from The Simpsons:
“I have eaten the purple berries.”
Britney on Obama’s election:
“I heard and I was like thank goodness, because now I didn’t feel so bad about the war where they fought their brothers. The one you mentioned earlier.”
Britney on the Iraq war:
“It was bad. I felt sad. Wait, did I already use that one? Anyway, it’s a song I’m working on. It’s called ‘It Was Bad’ and then in parentheses ‘I Felt Sad.’”
Britney on (and demonstrating) spouting random gibberish:
"Sometimes you don't need to use words to go through what you need to go through. Sometimes it's an emotion you need to feel when you dance, that you need to touch. And the only thing that can touch it is when you move a certain way."
Britney on her place in history:
“Everyone remembers the biggest train, right? I rest my cakes.”
If you guessed 3, 5, and 10, then you were wrong because it was actually 3, 5, and the one about the big train.
God, she loved that big train.
Oh, that reminds me: she dies at the end.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael invites lawsuits as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!