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The Best Quotes from the New Britney Spears Documentary

As a blogger, one must become sensitively attuned to some very specific phenomenon. News stories involving nudity, stupid criminals, or--preferably--both. Upcoming holidays that could have inspired "novelty items in poor taste." Websites featuring those items. And, of course, upcoming documentaries about ailing teen pop sensations.Britney: For the Record follows Brit for three months, and is part of her sweeping "comeback" effort. I guess after all that footage of her shaving her head, dropping her baby, getting stoned with K-Fed, and being bloated and pitchy at the Grammys (and thats just one clip), her PR team decided the best way to win back the love of the public was to point a camera at her and just let her go.

Big mistake.

Although the numerous leaks and plants that have preceded the movies premiere have held off on revealing what career-killing atrocity Brit has planned for the climax, theres been enough real Britney in the air already to convince me this ones going to be a winner.

Some pearls of wisdom from Spears herself:

  • "Instead of following my heart and doing something that made me really happy, I just did it for the idea of everything."
  • I was a pretty cool chick, and Im really not that way anymore.
  • My life is worse than a prison sentence.
  • Its bad. Im sad.

    • This pattern continues until shes communicating entirely with monosyllabic grunts and lip curls.

    I think Ive already gleaned all the Britney-related information Im going to get from this documentary. Firstly, that shes a developmentally stunted woman/girl whose handlers never allowed her to develop a behavioral palette of more than four colors, and secondly, that its hilarious to watch her try and express human emotion.

    So that you dont feel the need to actually watch it when it comes out, Ive taken it upon myself to capture her essence and synthesize what Im predicting will be the best quotes and moments from For the Record. As an added challenge, Ive included three real Britney quotes. See if you can sort the fakes from the genuine article.

    Britney on the Civil War:

    In the end, I still blame myself, even though I try not to.
    Britney on her comeback:
    Im coming back like a train, like the biggest train. Woo woooo!
    Britney on Darfur:
    "I think it could be a lot worse; people have it a lot worse than I do."
    Britney on the theories of Sir Isaac Newton:
    What goes up, its like, sometimeswhen I dance, I think its almost a spiritual way ofit comes down.
    Britney on her time in the Mouseketeers:
    "I let bad people into my life because I was lonely."
    Britney quotes Ralph from The Simpsons:
    I have eaten the purple berries.
    Britney on Obamas election:
    I heard and I was like thank goodness, because now I didnt feel so bad about the war where they fought their brothers. The one you mentioned earlier.
    Britney on the Iraq war:
    It was bad. I felt sad. Wait, did I already use that one? Anyway, its a song Im working on. Its called It Was Bad and then in parentheses I Felt Sad.
    Britney on (and demonstrating) spouting random gibberish:
    "Sometimes you don't need to use words to go through what you need to go through. Sometimes it's an emotion you need to feel when you dance, that you need to touch. And the only thing that can touch it is when you move a certain way."
    Britney on her place in history:
    Everyone remembers the biggest train, right? I rest my cakes.

    If you guessed 3, 5, and 10, then you were wrong because it was actually 3, 5, and the one about the big train.

    God, she loved that big train.

    Oh, that reminds me: she dies at the end.

    When not writing for Cracked, Michael invites lawsuits as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!