I get a lot of emails from Cracked readers with questions and comments and articulate suggestions for improving my writing (”U wood be a bettr writer if u took that cock outta ur mouth,” which, admittedly has made the physical act of writing a lot easier, though I do maintain that the stylistic impact is negligible). Still, I have to say that the question I get asked more than any other is, “Dan, I’ve kidnapped the president’s daughter(s) and I can’t remember why. What should I do?!” I don’t know why, exactly. Maybe I seem more approachable than the other writers, or more knowledgeable on the subject of kidnapping, or maybe it’s because rumors that I once kidnapped Amy Carter are still circulating around the Internet (fucking prove it, Geraldo). But regardless of the reason, it’s clear that I’m the go-to guy when it comes to stealing, storing and eventually releasing First Children. For reasons that I refuse to publicly acknowledge, I will admit that I am uniquely qualified to handle these questions and, as such, I’ve put together this helpful guide. At the very least, this should severely cut down the amount of kidnapping-related emails that pour into my inbox every day.
Oh, and for the record, if you’ve got questions about kidnapping the loved one of the Prime Minister of Britain, please be advised that I am unqualified to assist you. That’s really more of a Swaim thing.
You kidnapped these two.
#1. Your Motive:
So you can’t remember why you stole these kids, which is totally natural. At the end of the day, your motives aren’t important. Your motive or lack of motive is your thing and, I’m not here to judge, while someone eventually will judge you (a judge), and you will be found guilty, that’s all down-the-line stuff, and the first rule of Stealing Presidential Children Club is Live in the moment (second rule: No snacks after 8pm). If you’re curious, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that your motive most likely falls under one of the following categories:
Chicks: It is a well-known fact that women love babies and bad boys. When it comes to wooing ladies, walking around with stolen children is the most effective way of getting laid that doesn’t directly involve rape. A close runner-up would be stealing the president’s adorable puppy and, if the woman you’re trying to woo happens to be Jodie Foster, murdering the president (not recommended).
Eight history nerds just wet dreamed over that joke.
Retribution: You’re angry about something and it might as well be the president’s fault. Retrace your steps, ask yourself what you were doing before you woke up with a headache and Sasha and Malia Obama tied up in your basement. Did you have to wait in a long line at the bank? Think back. While you were waiting in that aggravating line, did you find yourself thinking, “Man, I bet the president never has to wait in line. Fuck that guy.” It’s true, the president doesn’t wait in lines, and it’s even more true that, seriously, fuck that guy. It’s his fault that you have to wait in lines (I’m guessing). There’s a gap between audibly whining about the president’s ability to cut all lines and actively wondering whether or not you should, no joke, for real just fucking take his kids one of these days, and this gap is much thinner than anyone would like to admit.
“Seriously I’m just gonna fucking take those kids.”
Rock Band: You’re hoping to cash in on the whole Hannah Montana/Jonas Brothers, inoffensive bubblegum pop money train by creating and perfecting “the next big thing” in harmless pop music. It’s not exactly clear to me why you chose to steal kids to form this supergroup, particularly the president’s kids, but the point is you have them and the big concert is in a week. Finding out if this is your motive completely comes down to context. When you found Sasha and Malia bound and gagged in your basement, did one of them have a four-stringed acoustic guitar that you bought from a JCPenney catalog awkwardly taped to their hands? If so, you probably kidnapped the president’s daughters because you wanted to start a rock band so, you know, act accordingly.
#2. Bragging:
You’re going to want to tell everyone you know that you kidnapped the president’s daughters, that is a fact. I would advise you not to mention it, but we both know that’s impossible. In the unlikely event that you never get caught, you’d like the insurance of holding this over your friends until the end of time. “Your son’s a doctor? Oh, that’s cool. I didn’t have time to prep my kid for med school because I was busy committing the greatest crime of the 21st century.” The temptation to brag is simply too strong to resist. All I ask is that you only tell one or two people, and only do so in very vague terms. Offhandedly mention something that only the Obama children would know, something like “Man, it sure is a shame how much Sasha and Malia miss their parents. Wink.” Your friend won’t be so suspicious that he’ll call the cops, but he’ll be just suspicious enough that he’ll never let you near his kids.
#3. Brainwashing:
What’s infinitely easier than getting stolen kids to stop complaining about their lost parents is convincing them that they never lost their parents in the first place. And you’re in luck! Sasha and Malia are young enough that their tiny memories are not completely hard-wired into their puny, as-yet-undeveloped brains. With enough dedication and a little bit of ole’ fashioned elbow grease, you can convince Sasha and Malia that you were their father the whole time. Tell a bunch of made-up stories about their childhood and always cap them off with, “Really? You sure you don’t remember that? Weird, you must get these memory problems from your mother, who, by the way, is Megan Fox.” With time and patience, their actual memories will bleed into the manufactured memories that you’ve pounded into their brains, and you’ll be like one, giant happy family that never leaves the house or watches television.
“You’re award-winning poker stars who hate Washington, are you positive you don’t remember?”
Tip: Make sure you give them new names to both avoid suspicion and rob them of their past lives, but be aware that I’m also planning on kidnapping these girls when you are eventually captured and executed, and I’ve already called dibs on renaming them “Blasha and Kablia.”
#4. Their Goddamned Bullshit, and How Sick of it You Are:
Right? God, how annoying is that? Anyway there’s no way to stop it. They’re children, and children are bullshit. You’ll just have to ride the storm on this one.
“Oooh, look at me, I’m wearing a dress.” Get a job.
#5. What To Do When You’re Bored With Your Sasha and Malia:
I know, I know, you’re sick of keeping them around. Taking care of two children is hard work, I don’t envy you. You have to keep them safe, feed them Pokemons and make sure they have enough hip fashion accessories and Twilight paraphernalia so that the other kidnapped children in your basement won’t make fun of them. They’re always whining about their living conditions and going on and on about what their Daddy will do when he finds you. You thought the girls would be fun and sweet and, above all else, another tool in your arsenal of ass-gettery (recall Motive Number 1). You probably imagined yourself spending your days “tripping the Vag Poontastic” and surfing an ocean of sex on a surfboard of fellatio, but you forgot that kids are, at the end of the day, sticky-fingered shit machines that never sleep. The chicks aren’t pouring in, you forgot why you’re mad at the president and it turns out that Sasha can’t keep rhythm for shit. It’s time to walk away.
So, you want to give up, deciding that, like golf, that pottery class you took and Devil’s sticks, raising two illegally acquired children is just another one of those crazy hobbies that you couldn’t follow through with. (You really should work on that, by the way. Just once I’d like to see you finish something you’ve started.) Still, we can all agree that this little experiment, while fun, is over. All you can do at this point is cut your losses and hope that things will be different next time, after you’ve spent some time finding yourself and getting your act together. Here are your options:
Bringing Them Back to the White House:
I’m telling you right now that this won’t work. People hate when their stuff is stolen, especially presidents, and there’s nothing more infuriating than having the thief give it back. Even if you’re intentions are pure, it’s just going to come off as bragging. Like, “Hey, here, I’m giving you your kids back because you weren’t man enough to find them on your own.” Doesn’t that seem smug? Right, so bringing them back to the White House will only emasculate the president (whoever he may currently be), and it’ll ruin any chance you two would have had to be friends.
Also, you’ll be shot on sight.
Leaving Them Somewhere (The Ocean):
It’s easy to see an ocean or lake and think, “That’s the ticket.” After all, the ocean is nature’s garbage dump (incidentally, it’s also my garbage dump, because I don’t pay my garbage man and I live on a boat). And it sure is tempting to toss them in the water as a symbolic way of saying, “With this I am clean; the purity of the uncorrupted waves washes my hands of this entire sordid business.” Kind of poetic, actually. Like something Walt Whitman would’ve done if Franklin Pierce had any kids worth stealing.
His children actually all died tragically.
Still, as appealing as that might sound, there are downsides. Now, I don’t know if presidential children go through a pretty serious swim program when they enter the White House or what, but if these little girls are half as good at swimming as Amy Carter was, then you’re up shit creek: They’ll swim-sprint to the shore, contact the authorities and wait patiently at the dock while you’re still trying to figure out how to turn your boat around, which, as it turns out, is also stolen.
On the off chance that Sasha and Malia are as aquatically gifted as the shockingly-fast Amy Carter (like a god damned dolphin, I swear), I would strongly caution against dumping them in an ocean.
Leaving Them Somewhere (Not the Ocean):
As with everything, there is a right and wrong way to abandon your stolen Sasha and Malia. You don’t, for example, want to leave them somewhere close to your house, because then it would be so easy for them to find you. On the flip side, you don’t want to leave them somewhere dangerous where anyone could just walk up and harm, or worse, kidnap, these innocent little girls; so dark alleys, active battlefields and most strip clubs are out. Ideally, you’d want to leave them in a place where it would be easy for someone to spot them to ensure their safe return, but not so easy that someone would notice you WITH Sasha and Malia. So, what’s instantly noticeable but difficult to retrieve? Exactly: A hot air balloon. Ever since cavemen first dreamed of idly snatching the children of their cavepresident, they’ve been similarly dreaming of releasing those stolen cavebabies in a giant, colorful balloon (there are several cave drawings that will confirm this). While Sasha and Malia are floating in the air, screaming for help, you’ll have plenty of time to mosey on back to your apartment.
Tip: If the balloon happens to float over to your town, make sure you exit your house yawning and stretching and saying things like, “Why, what’s going on here? I’ve been asleep.” Boom. There’s your alibi. Plus, chicks love sleepers.
#6. Your Eventual Capture:
I won’t sugarcoat this, the government is really good at finding people who piss them off (excepting Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein for about 13 years), and you are really, really dumb. Malia will lead the authorities back to your house (or boat) or maybe you’ll have done something stupid like sign the hot air balloon, but the bottom line is that you will get caught. When you get to the courthouse, address the jury with respect, and beg that they look within their hearts to forgive you. It wouldn’t hurt if you appealed to their patriotic side. Say things like, “Taking babies is one of the principles on which this country was founded.” Sing the National Anthem, eat hot dogs. Whip out those drawings you made of Thomas Jefferson stealing John Adams’s kids and try to admit them as “Exhibit Proof.” Ask the jury if they haven’t, once in a while, considered stealing a president’s daughter, and then say “Bullshit” when they promise you that the thought had never crossed their minds. If all else fails–it will–try to appeal to the softer side of Sasha and Malia. Remind them of all the fun times the three of you had (Note: only works if you had fun times with your kidnapped victims) and remind the president that you only stole his kids because he was too busy dicking around in the Middle Whatever to pay attention to them. Assure the courtroom that we’ve all learned a valuable lesson, and then try not to wet yourself too aggressively when the judge sentences you to a slow and embarrassing death.
Happy Independence Day!
This entry was posted on Friday, July 3rd, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 7th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Not a word of this is funny.
A bunch of twists on old cliches.
No wonder Cracked’s hardcopy edition went out of business.
Better start from scracth.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
It was uncool to involve Jodie Foster in your fantasies, she’s suffered enough. Plus she’s my fantasy girl and you can’t have her! Leave Jodie alone.
September 25th, 2009 at 10:25 am
you are so dume for putting that on here lol lol lol lol lol
September 25th, 2009 at 10:24 am
you are so dume for putting that on the computer lol lol lol
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I totally LOL’d at the hot air balloon part.
September 16th, 2009 at 9:08 am
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1846644
August 25th, 2009 at 9:47 am
that’s all great… though what i actually expected of you was how you steal the first kids in the first place! i’ll take my query to cracked superiors
also way to closely miss all the potentially pedofilic jokes there (because that would make it “controversial”)
August 21st, 2009 at 8:38 am
Mort, that all depends on the age…toddler boys are worse than girls…but hell, toddlers in general are mini demons. trust me, id know.
August 15th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
this is great, except for one thing. you have to remember that these kids are GIRLS, and girls aren’t like normal kids. i know, i have three daughters. girls are nothing less than pure evil. and i do mean pure, leave satan himself curled up in a ball crying in the corner evil. they will find a way to make your life pure hell. oh sure, they will be cute at first, but don’t let them fool you. as soon as you let your guard down you will very quickly be reduced to a quivering mass of jelly. i would recommend waiting till we have a president that has a son before kidnapping the presidents kid. boys are lower maintenance and alot less trouble.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:21 am
There are a lot of uptight assholes who’ve read this. Seriously if people take this too seriously then they have something wrong. Perhaps you should take a moment to look at how, in a way, this was more along the line of a darker humor. This wasn’t meant to be serious and it was meant to be dark. I find it amusing in it’s own right. It’s not something I myself would do but hey if the FBI puts me on watch I’m going to shrug and continue doing what I want to do. If i say bomb over the phone cause i’m referring to a burrito (which there is one called Bomb Burrito) And they come to my door an hour later I’m going to shove the plastic it was wrapped in in their face and tell them to piss off and stop trying to take away my freedom of speech.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:53 am
DOBs on holiday? gutted. LOL….i can just imagine it now….”MR President, it seems there has been a submission of a “helpful tips” list to attempt to kidnap your daughters over that drasted internet…what should we do?” “Well, according to the article the man in question apparently lives on a boat, and we arent near the ocean…right?…Shut down all hot air balloon industries regardless….that is all…”
July 31st, 2009 at 10:06 am
Tip: Never kidnap for ransom, it doesn’t work. People don’t like to keep their “promises”.
The Sasha and Malia hype will never go away as long as they continue to wear frilly dresses and attend Hannah Montana concerts. Damn.
July 28th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
:O So mush Info :O
July 26th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
i cant wait
July 24th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
I’m a history nerd apparently.
July 17th, 2009 at 2:16 am
What the fuck happened to DOB? Vacation my ass, where are my funny articles?
July 14th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I thought this was hillarious…
A few things though: 1) if this wasnt funny, why do you take the time to complain, just don’t read it and get on with the life you wish you had. 2)we live in a country where we have freedom of the press. 3) if the FBI, or anyone really, takes this as a serious threat to national security, then they are all idiots. And 4) to all the douche bags who can’t take a joke; No serius attempt, or how-to guide, to kidnapping would ever recomend yelling “Bullshit” in your trial, and the entire article discourages actually kidnapping them.
July 13th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Great. Now, because I read this, my career as an author is over…
July 11th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
we all know he was long overdue to end up in there anyways.
DOB, you will be missed.
thanks a lot brockway
July 11th, 2009 at 10:55 am
DOB’s twitter says he is on vacation, so that is where he is (or that is a clever coverup and he IS in Guantanemo)
July 11th, 2009 at 10:36 am
makes sense
July 11th, 2009 at 3:38 am
no new article + Brockway’s post about this, DOB’s most recent article = DOB’s in Guantanamo…
July 10th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
where’s the new article?
July 10th, 2009 at 4:49 am
Nice. VERY nice. Thanks.
@Yarp way to turn a nice bit of fun into something depressing. Go back to your mother’s basement and keep reading Twilight fanfiction.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
This article was both hilarious and very informative. Thank you, Dan!
July 9th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Great a pedo showed up. This is what happens when you write an article about kids.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I knew all of this already! What I need to know is whether or not to use a condom. Are either of them capable of getting pregnant?
July 9th, 2009 at 9:28 am
I know the maxim is “Either everything is funny or nothing is funny.” But this was just not funny. Regardless of the subject matter (which I personally didn’t like) the writing felt strained the entire length of the article. Like you were really trying to make it funny by a deadline- but you failed. Sorry, can’t get behind this one.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
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July 8th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Recently, I discovered a hot place — SeekTall. C o m — where many sexy tall singles and models who like talking about fashion and love there. I’m an open minded girl from US, I also like playing with tall guys on it!!!!!!
July 7th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
“…“tripping the Vag Poontastic” and surfing an ocean of sex on a surfboard of fellatio…”
best line, ever!!
instant clasic!!
astronomically epic win!!
i love you mr. dob. i really really do!
could you kill seanbaby for me?
July 7th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
dan o’ brien…i would like to give birth to your babies…or approximate the act that puts babies in wombs with you…whatever…
July 7th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
“Wow. The secret service would like to have a word with you. Not funny.”
I’d love if the secret service did, because they thought it wasn’t funny. Not that the content of the article was wrong, just didn’t have enough jokes for them. I’d like to imagine them going to every internet comedian’s home whenever they read an article that they didn’t like.
iAnd in another point, in what way are those assholes secret exactly?
July 7th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Wow, if you aren’t taking to Guantanamo or some other equivalent by the end of the week, I would be very surprised…
July 7th, 2009 at 3:59 am
Yes. We are certainly all red flagged now. I better wait a while to purchase that yellowcake from Uzbekistan now.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
My theory?
Jack O’Brien wrote this in DOB’s name to get back at him for all the terrible nicknames.
We will miss you, Danny boy..
July 6th, 2009 at 11:56 am
I love you, DOB.
amazing.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:43 am
DOB, Halloween Jack and Anderson Helms win.
July 6th, 2009 at 6:30 am
@ Anderson Helms
I laughed harder at your comment than I did at the article. “Fist children” is fucking awesome! I’m gonna start using that as a euphemism too (in about 7 minutes).
DOB: Very good, son. Funny shit.
July 6th, 2009 at 4:31 am
YOU ARE ORDERING DEATH
July 5th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
well done daniel… over here in panama cracked is the #1 and #2 result for kidnapping presidents daughter
July 5th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
It seems like you repeatedly added variations of “you will get caught” to skirt around any controversy.
Unfortunately, it just weakened an otherwise hilarious article. If you’re going to write something tasteless, go all the way with the joke. The results are usually fantastic.
July 5th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Jesus, I’m 99.9% certain I’ve just ended up on one of the FBI’s special lists. I knew I should’ve fought the urge to click on this.
July 5th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Good stuff! You should check out__ http://MatchRich.com __where you can meet the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. Hook up sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just Sign up and hook up the sexy beauties now!
July 5th, 2009 at 9:01 am
You should feel guilty when one of those things happens!
July 5th, 2009 at 1:26 am
Heee, you -are- going to get a visit from the Secret Service over this, just ask Seanbaby.
July 4th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
I just had to try searching.. And holy crap, it IS the first hit, AND the second.. Well done, DOB!
July 4th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Congratulations DOB! Your dream of making “Kidnapping+President’s+
Daughters” the #1 Google Search result came true. I’m sure the wire taps and your flagged passport will make you realize this is a bittersweet win for you.
July 4th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
And if bad enough dudes come after you, you might as well give up now.
July 4th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
hey…DOB? you still there?
remember me? i posted way down at the bottom. i couldn’t help but notice that you only responded to your article once, and that was yesterday. so, i’m just checking to see if you haven’t been taken away tobe waterboarded or whatever it is those crazy kids do to people nowadays. i truly lament your death if you’re no longer amongst the living.
we could have been great friends. my name is daniel, too! i mean, how many OTHER people are you gonna meet named daniel? that’s what i thought.
though, i admit i would find it funny if i woke up tomorrow and the new article reads something along the lines of “the FBI has issued a cease and desist to cracked.com”
July 4th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
See, here’s two things you’re forgetting about Obama. One, the dude is smart. Freaky smart. All the Secret Service agents would be running around, screaming at each other for the most colossal fuck-up imaginable, and all of a sudden they hear, “Hey, HEY!”, and they look around and Obama is standing there with his hands spread out in that what-the-fuck-guys gesture and he says, “They’re at 10347 Willow Branch Drive, Rancho Cucamonga, California.” The place is dead silent for a few seconds and then he snaps, “What? Do I need to give you the fucking GPS coordinates, too?”
Second thing, yeah, that fucking thing with the fly, too. You’re all wrapped up in that stupid idea you had with the band and then he’s standing in front of you, looking furious but also oddly disappointed, and that’s the last thing you see because, remember in Kill Bill when that old dude snatched Elle Driver’s eye out? Well, Obama got both of yours at the same time. They’ll go in a jar of alcohol that will stay on the desk at the Oval Office long after he leaves office, and when foreign leaders come to visit they won’t say anything because they already know how they got there, but a trickle of cold sweat will travel down the backs of the most hardened and ruthless of them, because they know that they’ll only have a fraction of a second warning if Obama wants to add to the collection.
And then he’ll take the girls out for ice cream, not because they were ever scared, oh no not of you, but because they were disappointed that they didn’t get to follow through with their plan to skin you alive with a broken piece of glass and then tan your hide with your brains. (There’s a certain Girl Scout troop in Chicago which teaches girls in the old ways.) And if you think that’s bad, just be glad that Michelle didn’t get ahold of you.
July 4th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
I think that if Dan really has to worry about any consequences of writing an article like this and publishing it on the internet then we should be a lot more pissed off about the current state of our country. If the government is slowly trying to take freedom of speech away from under our noses we have to be do what we can to tell the man to go fuck himself.
Keep it up DOB
July 4th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Okay, I’m kind of stuck on Step #4. During some complications I had with the children, it seems that Sasha has died. What should I do now? I’m thinking of returning Malia to the White House and saying “I didn’t do it”, or better yet, “My bad.”
Help Me DOB,
Kidnapper(s?)
July 4th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
An interesting fact, if you ever sent the president an email or smail mail letter, you are on the federal watch list for the rest of your life, and most likely your childrens life to.
I found this quite interesting when I read this, because when I was younge I sent a letter to the president because all the kids were doing that, and signed it with my name and address. I now love saying stuff like BOMB OSAMA BIN LADIN and KILL OBAMA on the internet because i KNOW people are watching me say it.
July 4th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
That’s… mind-boggling. See, I’d hesitate about writing something like that because I’m worried I’d end up on a federal watch list. I applaud you balls though. Wasn’t really laugh out loud funny though. It was more “amusing” really.
July 4th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Don’t steal Sasha and Malia! One of them will be President themselves one day; I bet you anything. You heard it here first, everyone.
And what would you do once you had them, anyway? I know you’re thinking of doing…that, but personally I wouldn’t want to do…that…to them. I’d rather try it on Hillary Clinton, but that’s a different offensive article altogether.
July 4th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Wow. The secret service would like to have a word with you. Not funny.
July 4th, 2009 at 9:28 am
It was brilliant.
And it’s a joke.
If you were so offended, why would you read the article? It’s helpfully titled “6 Helpful Tips for Kidnapping the President’s Daughters.”
What did you think it would be about?
July 4th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Not even commenting on the tastelessness of the subject or the line it almost crosses, but had this article been well done, it COULD have been funny. Unfortunately, it isn’t. Which makes having read it about ten minutes of my life I’m never going to get back.
July 4th, 2009 at 3:20 am
Glendoor, You just can’t come to the party with boobs. No matter how fabulous they are. Besides. You had something to say? Okay I am gone. I realize I make you nervous. Oy! I have no interest in Mrs. Glendoor, already. I am slipping away…
July 4th, 2009 at 3:00 am
moment*
July 4th, 2009 at 3:00 am
Actually Glendoor, I am happy to hear your opinion. What would you say to the kids at the momebt…
July 4th, 2009 at 2:32 am
Knock it off Glendoor..here (.Y.)
There are boobs. Don’t all of a sudden play dumb and think we don’t know.
July 4th, 2009 at 2:07 am
Boooooobs!!!!!!!!!!!
July 4th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Glad to see comedy-land still has its balls!
July 4th, 2009 at 12:22 am
Kids. We are small potatoes. No way does anyone associated with the presidency and it’s protection CARE how we peons react to the ABC’s of Kidnapping the girls. And there is no longer a Gitmo. Somebody else said it too. But as much as I agree they (the government) SHOULD have a sense of humor, they may, as newcomers, find it odd and strange. Or they may be laughing too. Regardless, DOB is the one who will be on the chopping block if they choose to investigate his character.
Somebody else brought up the fact there is way more sick, twisted craziness going on here on cracked. Animal husbandry comes to mind. I am almost a year new to reading here, and this didn’t even phase me. I am conditioned, I supposed. But boy oh boy, he (DOB) succeeded in hitting a nerve. I’m stoked today is a holiday and I was able to read everyone’s opinion. I don’t always have that joy.
It seems WRONG! Like treason times 6. But it is just the maniacal, twisted rantings of a kid from Jersey that has the unique ability to stir the proverbial pot. This is why I like (always) Dan. He gets us all riled up.
Happy Fourth Y’all..freedom to say whatever (no matter how daft) is on our minds.
Aloha
July 4th, 2009 at 12:14 am
See, Dan, if you had actually checked first…
http://www.google.com/search?q=kidnapping+president%27s+daughters&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a
This article IS the first result for that search.
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:18 pm
“Oooh, look at me, I’m wearing a dress.” Get a job.”
Excellent line! Really enjoyed the article, very funny.
Oh, and everyone needs to just chill out a little bit.
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:15 pm
@Dingus
Fuckin a
DOB, always love ya, hilarious article all the way around. Rock on
Imp C
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:07 pm
First I just have to say that I usually don’t comment on articles. I am not good at quick fire wit or sounding like a complete asshole (I have noticed that comments tend to fall into these types of catagories). As funny as I find DOB the article itself is not what drove me to comment. This is specifically for Black Betty. I have to ask how you can think it is okay to crack jokes about serial killers running loose in your hometown and death tolls in Iraq but somehow draw a line at an article joking about kidnapping the President’s daughters? You realize that the things you are joking about involve the death of someone’s son, daughter, father, mother, friend, lover, etc. and somehow that is less upsetting in your opinion than this article. Not that I am saying you can’t joke about those things or even that I feel you are bad for joking about those things. I don’t. I just find it odd that this is were you draw your line in the sand. Seriously, you should really think before you type.
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:53 pm
I would serenade everybody in so many lyrical couplets how awesome this article is…but being that I’m both brown and Muslim (and thus prob. already on a watch-list), I really have no intention of getting on another
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:26 pm
holy ****, did I just read what I think I read?
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Welcome to the FBI watchlist DOB.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:54 pm
i like how almost every article on this site describes, in at least one line, absolutely the worst kind of decadence and perversion imaginable, and yet when DOB brings up two little girls (and doesn’t even say anything about violating them in any way except for forcibly removing them from home and family) everyone is like “whoa, WHOA! NOT COOL MAN! Tone it down! Those are just kids dude, you’re sick!!!” Bunch of tool bags. Great article man, good work.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Umm… I’m pretty sure they Amy Carter you were talking about (daughter of President Carter, and about 40 years old) and the Amy Carter in that picture (who’s about 20) aren’t the same person. Or am I missing a joke there?
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:31 pm
“…and make sure they have enough hip fashion accessories and Twilight paraphernalia so that the other kidnapped children in your basement won’t make fun of them.”
LMAO!!!
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:06 pm
you can steal my kids anytime, mr DOB
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:34 pm
I fail’d it.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:30 pm
dude this should definitely be made into a movie. five thumbs up for cereal
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Great article man. lol
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Kidnapping…going for a “vacation with the in-laws”, what’s the difference? As long as kids have a good summer everyone will be happy!
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
I am stealing the line “Exhibit Proof” for all of my future courtcases.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
@PB
First, no one gives a shit about your political opinions so shut the fuck up.
Second, “Why can’t you idiots in the (gag) “media” (cough) learn to leave kids out of this crap.” Seriously dude? If you’ll turn down your Coldplay, put down your cappuccino and direct your attention to the address bar you’ll see that this is not CNN or the BBC. This is comedy website. It’s fucking joke you ignoramus and jokes about kidnapping and beating children are hilarious. Unless you’re an uptight, repressed prick. Oh wait you are. Nevermind.
Third, “Even worse: there wasn’t one funny line in the whole thing. Rule # 1 of comedy: it has to be funny.” I don’t know what you’re talking about. There were plenty of funny lines. You wouldn’t know funny if slapped you in the balls and then had sex with your mother. That’s probably because you’re a pretentious art house goon who forces chuckles at subtitled films that aren’t actually funny. And I agree with Stonikus. Unless you have constructive criticism or put yourself out there, you have no right to spout such baseless criticism. I’d like to see you do better. I bet you couldn’t.
And last, “How did you get this gig?” Probably by being funny, you retard. Well that and lots of sexual favors.
PB, I hope you get raped by a pack of wild dogs on your way home. Please never visit this site again.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:22 pm
PB. The several posts about how this article is funny debunks your theory that this isn’t an entertaining article.
Please go read more ‘Huffington Post’ and get your balls in a knot when someone else posts something that you don’t like.
Keep up the good work Dirty O’B.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I think we’ve all had the bank line thing happen to us.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
DOB, this takes me back to the days of you threatening the life of Hannah Montana.
This was funny. no political or religious views on display to ruin the crazy. great stuff. and the comments section is even good again, i saw Glendoor42 and Kingmonkey in there. those guys are funny!
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Stopped reading and laughed for about 5 minutes when I misread “first children” as, “fist children.” incidentally, “making some fist children.” is my new favorite euphemism for masturbation.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Kudos for having the guts to write it! The obvious missing part was suggested disguises to achieve this act… groucho glasses would be good, darth vader masks would be better.
Oh, and for all the NSA ECHELON types joining us, get a fucking sense of humour.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
@Black Betty Says: I love people like you that claim to know where the line is between funny and offensive and then presume to tell us where it is. Fuck you.
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Shit, man, great work. I don’t care how pissed the government’s gonna be.
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
@lolyeahright
way to spell “sentEnce” right, super n00b
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Let’s hope there is a media circus! Just like Letterman vs. Palin. Ink is ink. Hell yes, the premise is in poor taste. I’m sure the Obama’s would fail to see any humor whatsoever. But there IS humor. Like DOB living on a boat (clever diversion from the gmen, Dan! Way to go! As they comb the harbors…but I have always pictured you living in a stuccoed, melon-colored Melrose Place-esque abode with Swaim and a cockateel and a communal fountain)
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Note that I’m not the same Gabriel as the one below.
And “lolyeahright”, if your attempt to spell ’sentence’ is any indication, you probably sent the Buckminster Fuller Institute (at http://www.bfi.org) an email that’s only going to leave them scratching their heads.
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I am very annoyed that you have made no refference to my succesful kidnapping of President’s daugher Ashley Grayham. My partner, Albert Wesker and my marvelous use of ancient parasite Las Plagas are also worth mentioning.
I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that pesky Leon Kenedy and the ho in the red dress.
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Oh, dude, I wanna be on this secret service list so fuckin’ bad!
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I have sent this the the FBI.
Enjoy your prison sentance, noob.
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:44 pm
I call dibs on the names “Tasha and Salmonella”.
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
erm…I usually enjoy DOB’s posts, but this one definitely went over my head or something. I didn’t find this funny at all. Not that it was offensive or anything, I understand that anything on this website is not to be taken seriously, but it was just not funny.
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Why do you phrase it like you only have one cock in your mouth?
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:33 pm
HAHA THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS MAN
(CAPS LOCK IN HONOR OF BILLY MAYS’ DEATH)
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
we’re all going to get fucking waterboarded for this one
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I would love to kidnap those little bitches!! I would only give them back if Obama would resign from office though. If not, then I would kill them!! Fuck Obama!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s right, I said it and I will say it again, FUCK OBAMA!!!!
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
There’s a serial killer running loose in my hometown. I crack jokes about it. I crack jokes about US death counts in Iraq. I mock EVERYTHING. But this bullshit simply is not funny.
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:06 pm
The hot air balloon is pure genius… assuming you can find a way to acquire and launch said balloon surreptitiously.
Once you get over the fact that the article is talking about kidnapping two underaged girls, its pretty funny.
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Kidnapping is ALWAYS funny.
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
why is everybody so butthurt in the cracked comments sections? it’s annoying.
get over yourselves, you pussies!
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:52 pm
I had comment #100! Don’t i get a prize or a handjob or something?
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I want to hear some of these Virgin Mary ’sex jokes’ that PB was raving about. I love PB, he’s such an atheist hellraiser!
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Actually, this was in pretty bad taste. That arousal was pretty uncalled for.
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
But fellow readers, shouldn’t we be talking about something else? The passing of a great man? For that subject, I happen to have a funny little anecdote handy: What’s the difference between Disney’s animations and Michael Jackson?
You guessed it, Disney’s animations still continue to touch children.
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:30 pm
JOHN HINCKLEY JR.!!!
Well, I wouldn’t go as far as to say I “wet dreamed,” but there was a little arousal.
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:23 pm
@PB
Taking things too seriously? Maybe you should go to therapy about those issues of yours and get over them.
July 3rd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
My question is not if he thinks his article is funny, I’m not that stupid. My question is regarding the “riskiness” of the topic is it pushing the envelope almost on the edge of decency and what is permitted or is it just another topic. For example there would never be a topic discussing race especially black on an American comedy site, not even joking can you degrade or demean people because they are black. That’s where Americans draw the line. I like to think I’m not subjugated to the Mexican culture I live in and that my mind is sufficiently open to different points of view even extreme on extreme positions. But then I read this article and I feel offended and I find it very strange: I’m able to laugh at very “extreme” not-political correct things and yet this article stepped on a sensitive spot, I’m not censoring or criticizing it, I’m just trying to understand why.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Dinkomx,
Daniel posted on this article earlier on. It’s a weird question to ask, if he thinks this article is funny. It’s what he submitted to the comedy website where he works as a comedian.
I’m not American, but FWIW I thought this was hilarious. Kidnapping is rare enough in my country, if that matters. ( I live in a country where sex has not been invented so there are no children, Bulgaria)
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Okay, I know what’s going on here. Your advertising budget was cut, so you’re hoping for the free publicity that will come from being investigated by the secret service. Good luck with that. We’ll come visit you at the superMax.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
If you search “kidnapping president’s daughters” on google, the number one result IS cracked.com
Yay, DOB!
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Fuck yeah DOB. That’s how it’s done.
“and it did not, in any way, influence me towards any form of criminal actions against the leader of America or his family.”
Is it lonely up there on your pedestal Johan?
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I fell asleep while reading this. Thanks.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Actually it would be very nice if Daniel could answer my question. He used to post on his articles before. Do you still do?
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:15 pm
AMAZING PIECE! he killed me w/ On the off chance that Sasha and Malia are as aquatically gifted as the shockingly-fast Amy Carter (like a god damned dolphin, I swear), I would strongly caution against dumping them in an ocean.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
I find it very interesting that, no matter how globalized we get and how homogenous western culture is there are definitely different boundaries.
I live in Mexico and over here people make jokes about race on national TV and nobody says a thing. But kidnapping? Children? Never!
It is a real, every day possibility, to get kidnapped in here, no matter what your social status, and people NEVER joke about it.
So reading this was actually pretty uncomfortable for me. Nobody forced me to read it so I’m NOT complaining, just wanted to know: do people currently living on the states find this acceptable? And funny?
For the record I have enjoyed all of Daniel`s articles very much.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I think Homeland Security will be shutting this site down in a few hours.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:07 pm
IS THIS BLACK HISTORY MONTH?!
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I’m pretty sure we’re all now on some sort of watch list just for opening this. See you in Gitmo DOB.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
@PB
It’s easy to criticize someone else from your cubicle while sipping a venti non-fat frappodouchiness, but until you start contributing something worthwhile or offering constructive criticisms, can it. Anyone can say “That’s not funny”. Not everyone can tell us how it would have been better or what was particularly unfunny about it. And your rant regarding Obama sounds like it came from some white-bread college freshman girl English major who’s dealing with separation anxiety from her My Pretty Pony collection back home. You have a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of anger. Sucks for you. But no one has the right to say stupid shit like that until they put themselves out there and actually expose themselves to the same criticism.
The fact is, he has this gig and you don’t. So suck it.
Also, child abuse is hilarious.
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:52 am
the Fuck?
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:35 am
Hmm. How come you’re writing the how to guides, DOB? What happened to Bucholz - was it rape? Did you rape him?
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
daniel you wannabe jive turkey, now you have done it, i bet the secret service will show up, arrest you, take you to the presidential torture chambers and make you watch ellen degeneres non stop for months
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
Dan’s next article: 7 steps to take when being questioned by the FBI.
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
@ Kingmonkey & awesome X
better off stealing the kitten he is humping that a photo shoot.
http://www.fakestephen.com/images/kitten.jpg
god he is so creepy
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:12 am
It has been my experience there are only two wrong places for comedy in this country: airports and courtrooms. There is nothing wrong with being a media whore; actually, I think DOB deserves the notoriety.
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
particle= particular.
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:07 am
@PB hell yeah there was funny lines in this article, my most particle favorite was when Dan said he lives on a boat. He’s getting himself confused again with Crockett on Miami Vice.
Remember Dan the tv shows aren’t what happens in your real life,
We’ve had this talk before remember, you know about not wearing the Spiderman suit under your real clothes and your not marooned on a desert island with a polar bear.
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:03 am
WTF??? Is this official steal my name and act like you made it up instead of stealing from me who stole it from that cartoon and got it stolen by two peaple month?
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:57 am
@kingmonkey
Yeah, Stevey has kids alright but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t notice. The only Prime Minister that would care if you stole their kids would be Jean Chretien and not because you took his kids but because it would be an excuse to chokeslam someone.
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:53 am
Um. Dude?
Dude!
Look, I am no fan of George Bush Part III, also known as President O-No-I-Can’t. I’m not sure how anybody can still be a fan of President who has gone back on every campaign promises, keeps every Bush policy they pretended to hate a year ago, and is planning to spend more than the other 43 President combined, all as the economy tanks even after his silly “stimulus” and he drives us towards socialism …
But I digress. Point is, I don’t like the guy. So I don’t say this for political reasons:
You’re an untalented douche. And this was over the line. Not cool, man. Not cool. Why can’t you idiots in the (gag) “media” (cough) learn to leave kids out of this crap.
Even worse: there wasn’t one funny line in the whole thing. Rule # 1 of comedy: it has to be funny.
If something’s funny enough, it can get past its tastelessness. You can tell Virgin Mary sex jokes if they’re actually funny.
But this … was lame. Not one single original idea or funny thought. Nothing. Nada. Just wierd child abuse fetishes.
How did you get this gig?
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:49 am
as a chick, i must admit that a guy walking around with stolen children would be . . . intriguing . . . to say the least.
and i laughed the entire time. and i really hope the authorities don’t take dan away.
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:45 am
I found this article very funny and interesting, but I don’t know why I believe you’ll get your house raided by the FBI.
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:42 am
IS THIS OFFICIAL STEAL MY FUCKING NAME MONTH?!
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:27 am
We’re all going to jail. What has been read cannot be unread.
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:27 am
Funny Article, but… why?
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:23 am
Is it me or soon cracked.com will be raided by the FBI?
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:20 am
Enjoy the questioning.
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:18 am
Hey BuckleAu does the Au in your name stand for the period abbreviation for gold or something else and if so what?
And sorry about all the posting today people but my 90 day supply of oxycodone came in last night and I’m on day thirty about now.
@kingmonkey Mrs. glendoor42 says hi and wishes she was with you right now, not for the sex but mainly because the temperature hear is 102F actual and 109F with heat index and we all know its still snowing in Casnadia, and she misses the moose costume.
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:07 am
Not funny at all.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:56 am
Kingmonkey:
He does have children, and yeah…no one would give a fuck. Steal a bucket of KFC away from him, watch him build a Nuclear Warhead program.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:49 am
Exile you EPICLY FAIL at life.
Obama = more patriotic than you
Obama = smarter than you
Obama = not a communist
obviously you believe every word Rush Limbaugh says and suck his dick for more
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:49 am
Haha, DOB! great fucking article!! I THINK I WILL KIDNAP THE PREZ’S KIDS TOO! oh god, the FBI has traced me! Fuck! I can hear them coming in through the back door! Oh god! please don’t kill me! it was just a joke!! Oh god, please!!!!!
HELLO CRACKED READERS. BY READING THIS ARTICLE YOU HAVE ALL LANDED ON AN FBI WATCHLIST. THE WRITER OF THIS ARTICLE, MR. DANIEL O’BRIEN WAS SENT TO A FEDERAL PRISON AND EXECUTED MINUTES AFTER WRITING THIS ARTICLE. I HOPE THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE LEARNED WAS THIS: DO NOT FUCK WITH OBAMA’S CHILDREN OR YOUR GOVERNMENT. WE ARE WATCHING YOU. - AGENT J. SMITH, FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:48 am
well fortunatly Guantanamo is closed, and thei article was kinda funny, i liked it.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:44 am
Because I read this, the Secret Service will break down my dor in…3…2….1
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:40 am
Wow… If there was only a way to unread this, I would feel much less….monitered?
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:32 am
Thank you for expressing your thoughts. This is a FREE forum and just the place to do it.
Now, get on all 4’s and take it HARD in your crapper PRINCESS!!!
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=28&sku=E-CD00379
Yeah Baby… YEAH!!!!
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:25 am
@ Caroline, have you ever been to this site before?
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:12 am
well you didn’t have to read it if it was “boring and insipid”
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:08 am
What a boring and insipid article.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:04 am
Oh and the only Presidents kid I would kidnap would be Chelsea Clinton. She is fucking smoking hot and I would pray that she has her father’s sex drive.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:04 am
This is just not an article worth writing or putting on your site. It’s kind of disgusting.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:58 am
Wowzers. Enjoy your time in beautiful Guantanamo Bay.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:39 am
You know, I was seriously considering kidnapping the children of Canada’s Prime Minister, but then I thought “who would care?”
I mean, does Stevey even have kids?
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:37 am
yikes-sorry: “simultaneously”
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:36 am
By the way good news DOB: http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=kidnapping%2Bpresident%27s%2Bdaughters&btnG=Google+Search&meta=&aq=f&oq=
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:35 am
Good Lord, you boys are all silly!
You’ve completely lost sight of the fact that, if you’re caught(and you will be), it’s not the President, the Secret Service or Homeland Security you need to worry about.
It’s the MOM. I don’t know about you, but Michelle kind of scares me. How could you not notice her biceps with all the sleeveless outfits she wears? She’d totally kick your ass. Then she’d kill you… stylishly… curb-stomping you… while simultaniosly piercing your cerebral cortex with the heel of her Jimmy Choo’s.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:34 am
Hah! Huge slam on Franklin Pierce out of nowhere! I hate that fucking guy!
The downside is I am pretty sure that DOB will never be allowed near children ever again….wait that’s a good thing.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:31 am
And because Franklin Pierce lost his son in a train accident about two months before his inauguration, he pretty much spent his presidency drunk.
His running mate was Rufus King from Alabama. His running mate was also President James Buchanan’s ” long time companion”.
And Dan I wouldn’t fuck with Obama’s kid, I mean, he ain’t no Andy Jackson or Teddy Roosevelt or Harrison Ford in “Air Force One” for that matter, but did you see that motherfucker kill that fly, that dude would bitch slap you so fast it would it would knock sperm cross eyed.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:18 am
I tried this with the Bush twins, and I did take them back to the White House. But they wouldn’t take them back or even claim them, so I just dumped them in a bar in Austin. I think they’re still there.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:09 am
wait….you never mentioned the best methods for actually kidnapping them!!
now what am i going to do with all this rope and candy bars
July 3rd, 2009 at 7:39 am
[...] take the bait? Published on July 3rd, 2009 Posted by SN in General Daniel O’Brien over at Cracked.com has a pretty funny tongue in cheek column about kidnapping Sasha and [...]
July 3rd, 2009 at 7:37 am
I can’t overstate how thrilled I would be if Cracked showed up as the number one Google Search result for “Kidnapping+President’s+Daughters.”
I’m a simple man with a simple dream.
July 3rd, 2009 at 7:23 am
Wow . . .
July 3rd, 2009 at 7:13 am
The Pres. isn’t worried. He’s recalled Captain America back from field duty to protect his family since this article came out: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ Kewl!
July 3rd, 2009 at 7:08 am
Hey Daniel, if the feds weren’t watching you before (which I’m sure they were) they are most definitely watching you now. (Those pricks have no sense of humor. It was just graffiti….)
Even the people posting comments on this are now on some government watch list…
Wait…
CRAP!
July 3rd, 2009 at 7:04 am
Very nice article and quite helpful. However I have no intention of being caught. Once I get tired of Sasha and Mila I have ever intention of getting someone drunk and then locking them in the basement so I can frame them as the kidnapper. Speaking of which Mr. O’Brian would you be interested in comming by my place for drinks later today? I’ve got this new pool table I want to show you.
Oh and I was hopping you could help me with another problem I have. The kids I have in the basement at the moment claim they’re not the president’s kids even though I totally know they are. (I’ve seen their dad in Air Force One) But anyway how do I get them to stop threatening to have their dad kick my ass? Because I’m getting tired of it, and I don’t have the time to figure it out myself since some guy with a bullwhip and fedora is currently breaking into my house.
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:57 am
… they have bigger tits, and he has his own condoms! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=37&sku=E-CD00420 I bullshit you not!
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:49 am
WoW! reprecussions would not surprise me . Just reading that made me want throw my computer in a river and change my name.
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:48 am
Hi, Daniel.
I am a respected officer of the law and my main problem is that i could not get through step 1(one). So I ask of you sincerely: could you, by chance, help me? I mean i have been trying for ages(10 minutes).
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:46 am
I’m honestly worried about this article being flagged and being sent to the FBI, CIA, and most especially, the Secret Service. Those guys don’t have much in the way of a sense of humor.
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:41 am
Makes pretty good sense to me dude!
RT
http://www.anonymize.tk
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:32 am
cracked writers just love getting their names on government watchlists.
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:31 am
Good thing you added the “tripping the Vaag Poontastic”…now no one will think you’re serious.
so when do we do this?
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:30 am
Look at those smug little faces, waving to a crowd when I have to go to work every fucking day.
This article was so persuasive, by the end I was thinking “I should do it. I’m just gonna take his fuckin’ kids.”
Good work!
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:28 am
What an interesting artic–OH GOD ITS THE FBI!
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:24 am
tripping the Vag Poontastic…
priceless…
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:14 am
Goddamn. That was Ballsy.
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:13 am
Mokry - it would not be great at all. The words “waterboarding” and “indefinite detention” spring to mind…
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:10 am
How great would it be if it turns out Obama (or at least one of his staff) turns out to be a Cracked reader?
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:10 am
I think you must also suggest that the future kidnappers find out if there are indeed bad enough dudes for the President to hire to take you on. You will know these guys because they will take on a clan of Dragon Ninja for the payment of hamburgers. Of course, adjusting for inflation, they might require fries as well these days.
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:07 am
I’m going to miss your humor O’Brien. You know as well as I do that the NSA, FBA, CIA, and every other black-op available is heading your way right now.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:53 am
Man, think about how stupid the guy who shot Reagan must have felt when Jodie Foster came out as a lesbian. Boy, his face must have been red.
Best article ever, DOB, and epic praise for not including a single 24 reference… that time really has passed.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:49 am
Actually with Adolf Obama’s brats, all you have to do is toss a copy of the Communist Manifesto into a van and those little America Hating Democraps will jump right in.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:43 am
I met my perfect one on –~~B l a c k W h i t e l o v i n g.c O m~~- It is a wonderful dating site for black and white singles to have fun together! And it’s free! Hope it can help you find your ideal match!
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:43 am
I am not a member of the secret service.
Please, continue to discuss committing a felony like I’m not even here.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:29 am
Great article, as always.
I was wondering if you knew the truth about Pierce’s children when you mentioned him. But then you said they all died tragically, which made it much funnier in a terrible, terrible way.
Try not to get arrested!
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:25 am
If I read this before that fiasco with Jenna and Barbara Bush it would have saved me so much hassle. All this prison rape is getting annoying.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:22 am
You’re pretty awesome.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:13 am
I like DOB’s way of teaching poker
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:09 am
F’in A, Danny that was some funny s**t. So surreal and yet so spot on. You sir are an American hero.
July 3rd, 2009 at 5:05 am
If I post lauding how awesome this was, will the FED be over my doorstep? Do they even have jurisdiction in the UK? I think we’ve got some sort of extradition treaty, so I’m going to go with:
“From a fantastical standpoint, with no inherent reality whatever, this was a truly brilliant article, and I laughed much at the many jokes contained therein, and it did not, in any way, influence me towards any form of criminal actions against the leader of America or his family.”
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:51 am
Remember, that guy didn’t get Jodie Foster in the end, as it turns out she is gay. If she were straight, though, man… she would have been all over him.
Incidentally, I wonder how controversial this list will be. I predict a mention in a news source of some prominence. The day is still young.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:44 am
tripping the Vag Poontastic
that’s freakin hilarious!
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:41 am
Finally, a simple. easy to follow guide. I have been scouring the internet for something like this, but all the other guides on kidnapping the president#s children are either far too simplified, overly complicated and filled with advanced maths and pie charts and stuff, or just fiction. The online community has been waiting for something like this.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:39 am
Daniel, when the Secret Service knocks on your door this afternoon, say hi for me!
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:31 am
What’s the fun of kidnapping if theres no ransom money?
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:27 am
Nice stuff XD
Not that I’m planning anything…
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:27 am
I strongly suggest a H ot place
_____Meet Wealthy com_____ , I heard of that Michael Jackson has an account there. On that site there are many his fans who always chat about this handsome man.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:17 am
When I think of Independence Day, I think of kidnapping the president’s children too! Glad to know great minds think alike
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:16 am
Awesome. Disappointed you couldn’t give tips about Britain though. I’ll adapt.
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:10 am
I came at the Taxi Rider joke.