Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God.
What's the problem?
I can't ... I can't tell you.
If you can't tell me your problem, it's going to be very difficult to provide a solution. We'll have to go through all the solutions, one at a time. Have you tried stopping, dropping and rolling?
No. OK. It's ...
What you'll need to do is drive the adrenaline shot through the breastplate, directly into the heart.
No, I'll tell you. It's ...
Douse yourself in tiger urine and use the bamboo to create a spear or similar type of polearm.
A halberd if you have the skill and time.
Shut up for a second! I'm going to tell you what my problem is.
You're out of bamboo?
No. I have ... a thing ... in my ... b ... b ... I can't tell you.
Bonnet. You have a bee in your bonnet. OK, that's actually easily dealt with.
No. My bottom.
Ouch. How'd you get a bee in your ass?
It's not a bee. It's a ... it's a gerbil.
AHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ONE OF THESE FOR FOREVER.
You have no idea how big something like this is in the advice world. This is like stepping up to the advice plate with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth, with everything on the line, and you're facing the hugest pitcher that Soviet science can produce.
So ... you'll help?
Your pain is my opportunity for a fucking book deal. Of course I can help!
So what happened is ...
WHOA. I absolutely do not want to know how you got a gerbil in your ass. OK? For the time being I'm going to assume that this was caused by a really powerful and unlikely explosion in a pet store. Please do not correct me.
But what if it's relevant?
I can assure you that it won't be. I can also assure you that if you provide any more details about the haunted pet cemetery that is your social life, I will walk.
OK. So what should I do?
Well, according to the experts, who, I cannot stress enough, are not me, the most fail-safe way to get a gerbil out of your ass is to go to the hospital, where you'll have all the benefits of professional doctors and professional lubricants.
I think I'd like to avoid that if I can.
And rightly so. Obviously the big problem with hospitals is that they're full of documentation and judging eyes. You could honestly get arrested for this. Animal cruelty at least.
Are there any other options?
Uhhhhhh. Smuggling? Unlawful confinement?
Are there any other options for getting the gerbil out?
Ohhhhhhh. Yeah, sure. OK, let's go for an even simpler solution. Now, for this to work, you'll have to pay very close attention to me.
Are you paying close attention?
Are you sure? Get closer to the screen.
I'm paying attention!
THE GERBIL IS LAYING EGGS INSIDE OF YOU.
Due to the principle of opacity, there could be gerbils in here; there's no way to know.
Did it work?
Did what work?
Did it come out?
Huh. I'd have thought a sudden shock would be enough to do the trick.
It made me clench harder, you idiot! I think it's deeper now!
Well don't clench. You need to relax.
How the fuck am I supposed to relax when I think of gerbils laying eggs inside of me?
It is terrifyingly inconsistent with our current zoological knowledge. Nevertheless, you do need to relax.
Do you smoke?
You might want to start. Well at least get a kettle going. We'll do up some chamomile tea.
I surprisingly have that.
Oh yeah, I had you pegged as a beacon of culture and taste. OK then. While the water comes to a boil, let's see what else we can do. Do you have any lubricants handy? Vegetable shortening?
I don't think so. I might have a can of WD-40 in the garage. Will that work?
Yes, I imagine it will. Now please don't explain how you're doing it, but go ahead and apply that now. I'll just be here, humming with my eyes closed.
OK. It's done.
I said it's done.
The gerbil's out?
What? No. The WD-40 is ... applied.
Huh. And the gerbil didn't come flying out like a mortar round, huh?
I think the WD-40 had trouble, uh, penetrating. I'm also having dripping problems.
Well you're gonna have dripping problems, obviously. OK. Let's try this again, except standing on your head, or bent over or something. Just get your ass up in the air, and again, please do not provide any details about what is happening.
OK. It's done.
So just sit like this for a bit. We need to let this uh ... penetrate. Squick. You know, I thought I'd enjoy giving this advice more.
Yeah, I can really sympathesize for you.
You can? I'd have thought ... oh, I get it. Sarcasm. Nice burn, Guy With a Gerbil in His Ass.
Thanks. OK, I think the stuff has uh ... done that verb we're uncomfortable with.
OK, stand back up.
Did the gerbil come out?
What the H, gerbil? OK, let's try plan ... D now, I guess. Do you have any fiber?
Yeah, fiber. You know. Whole grains. Fruits, vegetables. That kind of thing. These act as bulking agents in your, uh, leavings, which will help promote regularity. In a few hours, two, three days at most, that should be enough to remove the gerbil.
I can't wait two or three days!
You can't or you won't? Answer honestly.
Both! The gerbil's not going to survive another couple days!
The gerbil's still alive!?
Yes! I can feel ...
PLEASE DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD. Oh that poor gerbil. Alone and scared, praying to his crazy gerbil gods.
Could you please get back to me for a moment?
What, you think praying's going to help you? The Abrahamic God, although on occasion known for forgiveness, has never been a fan of sin. And even though we've all agreed not to discuss the Risky Business-like shenanigans that led to a gerbil being in your ass, I think we would all be very fucking surprised if it didn't involve at least some type of sin.
Thou shall not harbor rodents in thine own self.
No, not prayer ...
I mean if you worshiped, say, Dionysius, for example, that'd be another matter. He was the Greek god of wine and party dares. If there's any deity who'd be sympathetic to autoanalrodentation, it'd be Dionysius. Do you worship at the feet of Dionysius, by chance?
I might start if it helps.
It probably won't. He'd probably be pretty flaky.
That's it. I'm going to the hospital.
But what about the Shame? Don't give up on me yet. I've got more advice left in me.
It has to be quick. I'm starting to freak out.
Quick. Got it. OK, this is going to sound crazy, but hear me out. In the wild, the natural predators of gerbils are ...
You didn't hear me out.
Didn't need to.
Just relax, OK. I'm not going to make you put a cat in your ass or anything. That would never work.
A snake would work, but obviously that's not going to happen, because neither you nor I would ever be able to sleep again.
Exactly. So it's going to have to be a falcon.
I know you're thinking like a peregrine falcon, but that's still way too big, even for someone with your ... skill set. No, I'm thinking something much more discreet. Like a kestrel or something.
Andreas Trepte, http://www.photo-natur.de/
The common kestrel is easily the most discreet member of the Falco genus to put in your ass.
Then frankly, I am out of ideas. You can take your unhelpful attitude and cram it up your ass for all I care. Or is there a queue?
Oh God oh God oh God! Please help! Please! I can feel it mov ... oh! The safety cord slipped out.
The safety cord! It slipped out!
There's a safety cord?
Tied around the gerbil. I thought I'd lost it. He must have twisted it around himself.
Why didn't you tell me about the safety cord?
You didn't want any details. You said they weren't relevant.
WELL OF COURSE THE SAFETY CORD IS FUCKING RELEVANT.
Should I pull it?
YES PULL THE GODDAMNED SAFETY CORD. FUCKING AMATEUR HOUR AROUND HERE.
The cord came out without the gerbil. I think he chewed through it.
You know something, I give up. I hope that gerbil does lay eggs in there.
Gerbils don't lay eggs.
THEY ALSO DON'T BELONG IN ASSES, GERBIL EXPERT.
-Sniff- Hey. Where's that smoke coming from?
IT'S COMING OUT OF MY FUCKING EARS.
No! It's coming from the kitchen! Oh shit! I forgot to fill the kettle!
Want some advice what to do with that? Because the advice is to unplug the fucking kettle, genius.
Fuck you! -cough cough cough-
Fuck me? Fuck you, fuck me!
-cough cough cough- Hey!
You know something? I will give you some more advice. Let's try putting the snake in your ass. I really think it will work.
No! You don't get it! The gerbil's out! He fell out when I started coughing.
I hope that at least made a hilarious sound. How's the gerbil doing?
A little disoriented and scared.
Well that should wear off after three or four years.
Do gerbils even live that long?
Yeah, it's a bit of a Pyrrhic victory for our little ass spelunker, isn't it?
Also for me, kind of. My kitchen's basically completely on fire now, by the way.
Congratulations on completing this advice column! Should you desire any further advice, please consult our guide, "So You Have to Extinguish a Kitchen Fire While Flammable Liquids Drip from Your Anus."
For more from Bucholz, check out So You Woke Up With a Hangover on an Alien Space Craft and The Most Powerful Man in the World: The Voice in Your GPS.