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Depending on your country of residence, the amount of vacation time you get per year and the gods you worship, you've quite possibly just spent the last 10 days off work. And now, as the morning dawns on the 11th day of your vacation, something feels amiss. You have an unsettling feeling that something is wrong in the world, as if the universe has gas. Concerned, you immediately visited Cracked.com, which has grown to become a spiritual guide to you over these years. And that's where you found this guide ...__new_line____new_line__What's wrong? Why do I feel so uneasy?__new_line____new_line__You have spent most of the past 10 days in the embrace of gravy-based meals and liqueur-filled chocolates, which has done no favors to your body or soul.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__

__new_line__Splut.

__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line_____new_line____new_line__That rings a bell, but I don't recall having enough of those to do that much damage.__new_line____new_line__There's also the matter of New Year's Eve and the volumes of white liquor you ingested.__new_line____new_line__No, there's something else. Something bigger than that. I feel like I'm forgetting something.__new_line____new_line__It might have something to do with it being 11:30 in the morning on Tuesday, January 3rd, and how you should have been at work for several hours now.__new_line____new_line__Oh crap. Ball crap.__new_line____new_line__Exactly. Though scientifically improbable, "ball crap" describes this situation precisely.__new_line____new_line__You think this is going to be a problem?__new_line____new_line__You're already on thin ice with this particular employer. Although good at your job, you often don't do it. This past fall you didn't come into work for three days because there were leaves on the ground. During meetings, you have accidentally insulted every single race on earth, each one on a separate occasion.__new_line____new_line__Even the Lizardfolk?__new_line____new_line__Surprisingly, yes, you have also insulted the Lizardfolk. __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__

__new_line__I believe you said that they talked too much in movie theaters.

__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line_____new_line____new_line__So I'm screwed then?__new_line____new_line__Oh no. It's highly unlikely the Lizardfolk even exist, and if they do, claims that they secretly run the government are certainly exaggerated. You should be fine.__new_line____new_line__No, I meant that I'm screwed because I've missed work again.__new_line____new_line__Oh that. Yes, but also not entirely. We should be able to get you back in to work with a minimum of damage. Compared to some of our previous misadventures, this should be easy.__new_line____new_line__I'm pretty sure my boss will notice if I just walk in there three hours late.__new_line____new_line__He will. Which is why you're not going to walk anywhere. You're going to crawl into the building, keeping low to the ground to avoid being seen. Camouflage will also help. Do you have a suit covered in swatches of carpet?__new_line____new_line__No.__new_line____new_line__You really should.__new_line____new_line__Sorry?__new_line____new_line__Forget it. In that case, just get dressed in regular work clothes, biased toward anything which is the same color as the carpet in your office.__new_line____new_line__-later-__new_line____new_line__OK, I'm outside the building with kind of a blueish-gray, pilled up sweater.__new_line____new_line__That's awful and fantastic. Now crawl on in there. Let me know how you're doing.__new_line____new_line__Ow. It's a real long way and now my knees hurt.__new_line____new_line__Well suck it up. Did I tell you this would be easy?__new_line____new_line__Yes. You said exactly those words. "This should be easy."__new_line____new_line__That was from my perspective. Giving you advice was going to be easy. Good God you're self-involved.__new_line____new_line__Isn't this guide supposed to be about my problems, not yours?__new_line____new_line__Due to the subservient nature of our relationship, my problems will rapidly become your problems, so you should be more mindful of them. Now then: Are you at your office yet?__new_line____new_line__My what?__new_line____new_line__Your office. When you get to your office, slowly close the door, then get to work as if nothing happened.__new_line____new_line__I don't have an office.__new_line____new_line__Is it like a cubicle?__new_line____new_line__No, it's kind of an open-plan office.__new_line____new_line__So what? You're just crawling on the floor beside your desk? With like a dozen people staring at you?__new_line____new_line__Yes.__new_line____new_line__Hoooooooo. __new_line____new_line__Hello? You still there?__new_line____new_line__Still here. Just thinking. Hooooooooooooooo.__new_line____new_line__I'm just going to try working now and see if anyone says anything.__new_line____new_line__Too late for that now. You crawled in to the office like a dog. Someone's going to say something.__new_line____new_line__Dogs don't crawl.__new_line____new_line__Like a baby then. Or a baby dog. Like a puppy.__new_line____new_line__Puppies also don't crawl.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__

__new_line__Puppies are, in every measurable way, better than human babies.

__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Wow, check out the motor-genius. And yet you don't know how calendars work? Who's the advice column here?__new_line____new_line__You are.__new_line____new_line__Right. And who's the failure-pile sitting on the floor of his office, knowing things about puppies and not much else?__new_line____new_line__Me.__new_line____new_line__Correct! So with our roles reconfirmed, here's what we're going to do: You're going to have to act like you have an inner ear infection. Like it upsets your balance and you have to crawl everywhere now.__new_line____new_line__How would that happen?__new_line____new_line__Tell them you got it during your holidays when you got some undercooked roast beef in your ear.__new_line____new_line__I'm not telling them that.__new_line____new_line__You have to. Otherwise they'll think you're crazy.__new_line____new_line__OK, but why wouldn't I just take a sick day if I had that?__new_line____new_line__I ... what? You can take sick days?__new_line____new_line__Yes. Of course.__new_line____new_line__And you didn't think to tell me that before?__new_line____new_line__Isn't it pretty common knowledge?__new_line____new_line__Evidently not! Well shit, yeah, just take a sick day then.__new_line____new_line__Do you think they'll buy it? I did just crawl into work several hours late, wearing a sweater that looks like carpet. They might be a bit suspicious. I don't think I could look any more suspicious.__new_line____new_line__Are you dragging yourself along the carpet using a pair of dildos like ice axes?__new_line____new_line__No.__new_line____new_line__Then you could look more suspicious. OK, I know how to get out of this. This will be easy.__new_line____new_line__What will be easy? Giving me bad advice, or the bad advice itself?__new_line____new_line__The second one. I had to really strain my advice sphincter to come up with this one.__new_line____new_line__Jesus Christ.__new_line____new_line__Crawl to the bathroom, complaining as you go about needing to drain your inner ear.__new_line____new_line__I'm still not doing the ear thing. But I'm in the bathroom now. Please no more ear stuff.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__

__new_line__The vacant armhole suggest this particular inner ear is up to something suspicious.

__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Fine. If you're going to be such an ear-stuff baby, here's what we'll do: You're going to beat yourself up a bit and claim you were mugged.__new_line____new_line__Won't they notice that I wasn't beaten up before I went to the bathroom? What kind of advice is that?__new_line____new_line__One, it was just your idiot coworkers that saw you, not your boss. Two, bruises take time to develop. Three, I really want to see if you'll actually do this. So come the fuck on. Just pop yourself in the mouth real good.__new_line____new_line__OK.__new_line____new_line__Wait!__new_line____new_line__What?__new_line____new_line__You have to do it really hard the first time. __new_line____new_line__Why?__new_line____new_line__Because you're not going to do it hard the second time.__new_line____new_line__That makes sense. OW!__new_line____new_line__Did you do it?__new_line____new_line__Yesph.__new_line____new_line__Sounds like you got yourself pretty good.__new_line____new_line__Umph huh. Ahh crapf. The janitor'f in here.__new_line____new_line__What?__new_line____new_line__The janitor waf in here and sah me punf masewf. She lookf confused.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__

__new_line__(thinking) "I bet this is the idiot who keeps getting poop underneath the seat."

__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Dammit. She'll queer the whole deal. You're going to have to silence her.__new_line____new_line__I can'f. She toof off.__new_line____new_line__Crawl after her!__new_line____new_line__Crawl? Still?__new_line____new_line__She's going to tell everyone you punched yourself, which means you're going to have to fall back on our inner-ear chlamydia plan.__new_line____new_line__Euuu.__new_line____new_line__Have you caught her yet?__new_line____new_line__Nof yet. Oh nof! She'f talking to my boff!__new_line____new_line__Does your boss look unhappy about what he's hearing?__new_line____new_line__Yef.__new_line____new_line__Does your boss have an unhappy home life?__new_line____new_line__I don'f think so.__new_line____new_line__Then it's probably about you then. Hoooooooooo. OK. Plan ... D ... I guess we're on now. Have you previously planted anything incriminating -- like drugs or a smoking gun or something -- in the janitor's closet?__new_line____new_line__No. Whaf? No.__new_line____new_line__What the fuck man? You're just setting yourself up to fail, you know that, right? If you're not doing basic stuff like planting drugs in the possessions of your potential enemies, or keeping a parachute stowed in your car ... Well, it's no wonder you keep getting into trouble. Fine. Plan E then. Take the gun taped to your back, and ...__new_line____new_line__WHAF!?__new_line____new_line__Ha, no, just messing with you. You should have seen your face just then.__new_line____new_line__I nearly shif myself.__new_line____new_line__Did you actually? Because we could use that.__new_line____new_line__No. No I dif nof shif myself.__new_line____new_line__It's OK. That's fine. You're just going to go ahead with Plan E.01 which is this: Claim you're in a Fight Club with the janitor and you just discovered she was planning to blow up the building. __new_line____new_line__The janitor gof pretty angry when I said fhat. She's shaking her finger at me and calling me a perverf.__new_line____new_line__How could she know that?__new_line____new_line__How could she know what?__new_line____new_line__About your perversion.__new_line____new_line__I'm not a perverf! She meanf the punching mysewf thinf.__new_line____new_line__Oh. That? Really? Did you ... did you get an erection doing that?__new_line____new_line__Nof.__new_line____new_line__Then she's totally off base. Explain to her that you have no erection.__new_line____new_line__Owf!__new_line____new_line__What happened?__new_line____new_line__She'f hitting me with her mop! As soon as I said "erecfion" she flipped ouf! I'm getting mop-slapped!__new_line____new_line__That is nasty. Mops are filthy.__new_line____new_line__YEF, FANK YOU, I KNOW HOW UNWASHED MOPF ARE, AND HAVE EVER SINCF ONE STARTED HITTING ME IN FHE HEAD.__new_line____new_line__Oh gross. That could actually ... Heh. Wow. You're not gonna want to hear this.__new_line____new_line__WHAF?__new_line____new_line__It could give you an ear infection.__new_line____new_line__FUCF YOU YOU MOFFERFUCFER.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__

__new_line__Your mother should have warned you about mops.

__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Easy now. Come on. Is she still hitting you?__new_line____new_line__Nof, my boss pulled her away. She'f gone now.__new_line____new_line__So you're fine.__new_line____new_line__Nof, I'm fired.__new_line____new_line__Why? Did you get an erection when she started hitting you with the mop?__new_line____new_line__Nof! It'f for all the other thingf I did. I still have no erectio ... oh. Godamnif.__new_line____new_line__You got a semi didn't you? Man, what a time to learn you have a kink for janitorial violence.__new_line____new_line__Godaminf.__new_line____new_line__Well, I guess that's that then. Congratulations on successfully completing this guide. You're now no longer late for work -- you're now no longer late for anything. If you need any further guidance, please consult the next article in this series: How To Self-Treat An Ear Infection When You've Just Lost Your Health Insurance.__new_line____new_line_____________________________________new_line____new_line____new_line__

For more help from Bucholz you shouldn't follow, check out The Cheater's Guide to Winning Online Arguments and 8 Zombie Apocalypse Survival Strategies (For Zombies).

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