So someone's interrupting your award acceptance speech.

Everyone watching the Academy Awards a couple weeks back may have been a little surprised to see an acceptance speech interrupted by some sort of horrible purple lagoon beast. Dubbed the "white lady Kanye" by observers, in reference to the black male Kanye who interrupted Taylor Swift's speech at the VMA's last year, this terrifying creature has sparked fear and panic in the dining halls of our most powerful entertainer's castles. "What's to be done about these speech interruptors?" they fret and murmur. "Dreadful, truly dreadful," they tsk and nod their heads. "Can we somehow seat everyone in chairs with restraints?" suggests Phillip Seymour Hoffman. But few pay attention; he's always going on about chairs with restraints.

At least a few of the more level headed Academy members realized outside expertise was necessary to confront this growing dilemma. And as the Internet's foremost assertiveness expert, naturally some of them approached me for advice. "If I have to bludgeon someone to death with a gold statue, I'll do it," Ron Howard confided in me. "I've been practicing at home with stray dogs. But I just want to know what my options are first."

Happy to help Ron, and thanks for those pages of notes you left with me. Indeed your first thought was correct; there are certain circumstances when enacting detailed ultraviolence fantasies might not be appropriate. This isn't for legal reasons per se. As a celebrity you already have a hard enough time getting arrested, and as a celebrity who just won an award, you'd probably have to actually take a dump on the President to get even a traffic citation. No, you're mainly concerned about public image. How do you retain the spotlight and humiliate this interloper, all while reasserting your award winning talent and handsomeness?

Like this:

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Defense

OK. You're on stage thanking your wife and your girlfriend and whatnot, when you spot someone moving quickly towards you. Don't panic! First identify your foe. Let's say it looks like that one guy from that show, intent on using your moment to further his own distressing career. Oh yeah, I'm sure everyone's really excited about what The Big Bang Theory is doing for sweeps week, guy.

Your goal now is simple: Keep the microphone away from Commander Haircut

Pivot away from your aggressor, keeping your body between him and the microphone. Next, grip the microphone tightly in both hands, and start swinging your elbows back and forth, looking for cheap strikes to the ribs or abdomen. Continue your speech as before. A more advanced technique involves you handling the mic one handed, using your free hand to run interference. Get it right up in your attacker's face; many celebrities are vulnerable to having their nostrils torn out.

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Offense

So let's say you've lost possession of the rock. You've got a couple options then. The passive option--just standing there looking stupid--isn't a bad one. You will probably win some sympathy from the audience. The problem is that as these sort of events become more common, with random usurpers running on stage to rock the mike like a vandal, the audience will become more accepting of them. Would you feel as sorry for Taylor Swift if she got Kanye'd again? Or would you ask why she didn't have some pepper spray with her?

My recommended option then is to fight back. Any sort of grappling technique should work well here, and of course you do still have a fairly heavy award statue/surfboard in your hand which could be used as a cudgel. Remember to keep thanking your colleagues and family as you do so! Sudden wrestling (with clubs) is no excuse to forget your manners.

Beyond the basics, there are certain advanced techniques which may also suit your needs. Many of these techniques require advance preparation, so if you've blown all the right people and know you'll be winning a major award in the near future, these may warrant some investigation.

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Death From Above

Let's say that a young musician, high on his own self importance and probably some MDMA, has wrestled the microphone from your grip. A gross size differential prevents you from winning the microphone back physically, but having prepared for this very moment, you react calmly, and toss a small piece of raw meat in their direction. Your falcon, trained over the past two years and previously concealed in the rafters of the theater, descends and begins tearing large strips of flesh from your aggressor's face and neck. You retrieve the microphone, and conclude your speech adding a very special thanks to "Mr. Flappy."

Softly, softly

So you've begun your speech, and out of the corner of your eye, spot a Powerful Hollywood Producer approaching you with gin soaked cheeks. This is a tricky situation, because injuring or embarrassing this industry captain may gravely limit your future career prospects. You've just won a major award so it would be a real shame if you had to sleep your way to the top yet again.

A principle derived from soft martial arts will work best here, using your opponent's own momentum to divert the blow. As you see the producer approach, publicly acknowledge him, thanking him for his support over the years (even if he's actively worked against you). As he closes with you, grasp him tightly with one arm and continue your speech, moving the microphone to the off hand. "We did it! We really did it!" you say, slapping your aggressor on the back, while he clumsily grasps at your microphone. By embracing him with one arm, you'll force him to go around the front of you to get at the microphone, a move easily countered by rotating away from him slowly. This process can be repeated for quite some time, the two of you spinning round and around as you bravely continue your speech, talking in circles as it were.

Prometheus

Uh-oh. A former collaborator is approaching the stage, seething at the new found acclaim you've earned that he feels should properly be directed at him. You've got seconds to decide how to react. What do you do?

Fortunately because you worked with this man for many months, you're intimately familiar with his strengths and weaknesses. This valuable information, and some advance planning has resulted in you standing on stage at the Academy Awards, not helpless, but rather with a squirt gun full of gasoline taped to your back. Withdrawing it as he draws close, you produce a cigarette lighter with your off hand, and casually immolate your former second unit director, recalling with a thin smile the conversation you'd had where he mentioned how being set on fire would badly hurt him.

Off the Top Turn-Buckle

From the front row, a fading beauty is giving you the stink-eye and beginning to stand up. Once Hollywood's "It" girl, her career had been reduced to occasional Law & Order guest appearances and a blog on the Huffington Post. And boy is she pissed off that you, the writer of an adapted screenplay of all fucking things, are receiving more attention than she is. Angry, bitter, and still in fantastic shape thanks to a terrifyingly comprehensive workout regime, she is fully capable of ripping you in half.

Her one weakness however will be her shoes, with the necessary 4 inch heal to elongate her sagging calves. This raises her center of gravity, leaving her vulnerable to a variety of throws. So, turn away from her slightly until she draws closer to the podium. Then crouch and pivot, fluidly moving forward and thrusting your shoulder into her midsection. Her body should fold over you, at which point you can stand up, lifting her over your shoulder. At this point you have a few options. Finish your speech as normal, with the ass of one of Hollywood's leading ladies in frame as you do so (this will ensure you stay popular on YouTube for several years). Or, if you have a flair for the dramatic, grasp her tightly and fall backwards, driving her face into the floor behind you. This is called the "Cecil B. Demille Suplex" and is easily the most electrifying move in all of peer-bestowed awards acceptance.

The Long Play

An adorable toe-headed child, star of three Disney movies and twelve music videos in the past year alone, approaches the stage. He is completely untouchable. Although one solid kick to the upper chest would be enough to fell him, and the silence that followed such a strike a seemingly ideal time for delivering your prepared remarks, this is short sighted, and will ensure you receive no further acclamations in the future. No, the audience loves this little scamp, and once he's decided to take the stage, there's little you can do to stop him.

So don't. Let him have his moment. Hold him up to the microphone and smile broadly as you do so. Let everyone see what a great human being you are, sharing your moment in the sun with this star of the future.

Backstage, having earned the world's love and the child's trust, give him so much drugs. Load that child up like a fucking Sherpa. Then, acting from the shadows over the next 12 years, quietly run him in to the ground, feeding him bad advice and worse women, until his career consists of little more than voice-over work for re-dubbed Japanese porn cartoons. After that, clean him up a bit, help him through rehab, and when he gets out, give him a friendly punch on the shoulder and explain to him that this is why no-one, ever, ever, crosses you, Kate Winslet, in this town.

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