Cracked Columnists

So Book-like, You'd Think It Was a Book (but it's not)

Do you love to read books but hate reading books? Amazon.com finally has the answer for you.

It’s called Kindle

and it’s described as a “wireless portable reading device,” where the screen is so realistic and glare-free, it’s almost like reading a book. You can bring Kindle with you on long train rides, to class, the library, and anywhere else you can take an actual book. At $400, the Kindle is perfect for someone desperate to live out that book-reading adventure they could only fantasize about for years.

The Kindle, which Amazon scientists have been working on for the last three years, boasts the following characteristics:

  • Revolutionary electronic-paper display provides a sharp, high-resolution screen that looks and reads like real paper.
  • Memory card that holds up to 200 books.
  • Simple to use: no computer, no cables, no syncing.
  • No monthly wireless bills, service plans, or commitments.
  • You know what else feels like real paper and doesn’t require cables or monthly bills? Fucking books.

    It’s also worth mentioning that you can’t obviously directly upload books that you already own onto the Kindle; you’d have to acquire them from Amazon. So if I desperately wanted to re-read The Novelization of Judge Dredd,, I’d have to pay for it again despite the fact that a perfectly good copy exists on my bookshelf.

    When I first read about this, I admit, I was a little apprehensive.

    “Who is actually going to buy this stupid piece of shit for jerks?” I yelled at my computer screen. “Jerks?” I added, slyly.

    “Think about it,” you may be saying as you read this blog post on your flawless e-paper during a long train ride.“Kindle combines your love of reading with your even bigger love of putting your book down so it can recharge for three hours.” Well, you’ve got me there, I hadn’t really thought about that. Also, I know that when I go on long trips, I like to start reading a new book, get disgusted by its content and move onto another book immediately. I like to do this about 200 times, so I can see why the Kindle might come in handy. Further, it’s only 10.3 ounces which is great. I can’t tell you how many books I’ve just thrown out the window because, at 15 ounces, the bastard was just so damn heavy.

    Clearly, I’m not the only one who thought reading those heavy paperbacks was too exhausting because the Kindle is actually sold motherfucking out right now and won’t be in stock until the 29th. Apparently, there’s an enormous market for people who want to feel like they’re doing things they’re not actually doing but could totally be doing, (and for much cheaper), and Amazon found the shit out of it. Not to be outdone, I’m taking advantage of the wide Cracked Blog audience, (Swaim, Ian, Gladstone, Chris and Ross) to formally announce my new product, the Daniel O’Brindle:

    Daniel O’Brindle

    This isn’t an imitator, of course, that would be cheap, and the O'Brindle isn't cheap, not in any sense of the word.

    Instead, the Daniel O’Brindle is designed to give the user the impression that they’re reading and typing on an actual Kindle. Often described as a “Wireless wireless portable reading device” the Daniel O’Brindle is the latest in wireless meta technology. Use this baby and after five minutes, you’ll swear you’re reading the New York Times on a real-live Kindle.

    Still not convinced that you should spend $1,200 on a product that almost feels like you're reading books on a product that almost feels like you're reading books on a book? Here’s some helpful O’Brindle O’Brinformation to answer any and every O’Brinquiry you might have. Read up on our stats and, in the meantime, get out your fucking credit card:

  • Revolutionary electronic-electronic-paper display provides a sharp, high-resolution screen that looks and reads like real electronic-paper.
  • Memory card that holds up to 1 Kindle.
  • 10.2 ounces, (Eat it, motherfuckers).
  • At $1,199.00, you’re just stupid enough to buy it.
  • Can go anywhere a Kindle (or book) can go.
  • Sleek moustache, so no monthly bills or long term commitments.
  • We at Daniel O'Brindustries hope you enjoyed that brief O'Brintroduction. Our helpful Robot phone operators are standing by. Order today! (O'Brorder Todaniel!)

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    Daniel O'Brien

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