During a recent interview with Oprah Winfrey, J.K. Rowling implied that it was possible she would write more Harry Potter novels. "WHY, WHY, WHY?" - the question that Oprah should have asked - was ignored for the more demure, "Why?" to which Rowling replied simply, that the act of earning billions of dollars gave her enormous sexual pleasure. The two then shared a fist bump.
This revelation has sparked a great deal of speculation about what Rowling could possibly write about. After all, at the end of the last book, Harry had finished school, his greatest nemesis lay dead and everyone was living the hell out of happily ever after. What could possibly be left for Rowling to do with her favorite money spinning machine? Harry Potter and the Phoned In Plot? Harry Potter and the Secret of the Clip Episode? Harry Potter and the Tokyo Drift?
To get this scoop before everyone else, Cracked used all of its reporting ingenuity and resources -- a USB thumb drive and a monkey with some extremely questionable training -- to acquire a draft of the first chapter of Rowling's new novel. Having read it, we can tell you that it's still a little rough. It's also got an edgy new take on the title character that we think will probably split a lot of opinion. We still like it though, and if we had to give it a grade on a scale from 1 to Potter-tastic, we'd probably give it an 11.
- CHAPTER ONE -
A blinding sliver of light appeared in the wall, growing wider and wider, consuming the space around it like some kind of magical wizard light. But it was no wizard light. It was a door opening slowly, allowing sunlight to shine in on a foul and ancient room that had not seen daylight in seemingly forever. A wizard stepped over the threshold of the room, wand in front of him, cautious but not afraid. His eyes scanned the room, searching for something specific. Spotting it, he crossed the floor and poked it with his foot.
"You look like shit Harry," Ron said, prodding his old friend in the shoulder. A thin smile crossed his face, now weary and damaged by the effects of gingerness and time. Seeing no response in his old friend, Ron bent down with his wand and struck Harry in the face with it.
"Raaaaaarrgh," came the rumbling response from the most infamous wizard in the wizarding world, lying trouserless in a filthy bed. "Whadjusay?"
"I said you look like shit."
Harry Potter rolled over on to his back. "I guess someone must have hit me with a shit-ocio hex." He rolled back on to his side, and vomited noisily into a shoe.
"Get up Harry," Ron said. "We need to talk."
"I can talk just fine like this," Harry said, incorrectly, his words muffled by the vomit filled shoe.
"Fuck you, that's what." Harry was upset with his friend.
"I talked to Ginny the other day," Ron said, trying to change the subject. He gingerly sat down on the edge of the bed. "She says you haven't seen the kids in months."
"Mmph," Harry replied. He did not want to think about his ex-wife. "I've been meaning to. I just got tied up with work." He waved his hand vaguely across the room.
Ron surveyed the 'work' Harry had been busy with. The room itself was an old, beaten up bedsit, located on the floor above a fried chicken shop. Empty bottles of Muggle-gin lay strewn about the place, as well as what looked to be motorcycle parts.
"What do you want Ron?" Harry asked. He sat up and vomited a little more. "Why can't you just leave me to die? Why can't everyone just leave me alone to work on my motorcycle and die a little?"
A cold look on Ron's face. "We need you back partner. There's something evil going on Harry."
"There can't be. We killed all the evil, remember?" Harry said, sarcastically. He put his right leg into the left leg of a pair of pants. "Voldemort is dead."
"It's not Voldemort Harry. It's something worse."
Harry spat on the ground. "Worse? Worse than He-Who-Shall-Kill-Your-Fucking-Owl?" Harry's eyes started to water. "I loved that owl Ron. I never told you. I never told anyone. I loved that owl so much. I loved it so hard."
Ron stared at the wall. "No Harry. It's Voldemort Two."
Harry looked at his friend for a moment. His eyes started to cross and he had to shake his head to refocus them. This cycle repeated two more times. "That's not a thing. You just took a thing that is something and added 'Two' behind it. You can't fool me with your wizard tricks, old buddy." Harry leaned over a bit and farted.
"No, he's real Harry. He used a spell to open a portal from Earth Two, and is now trying to steal all the magic from Earth Prime. Don't you read the paper?"
"Yes, I read the paper," Harry said. He gestured to a ragged pornographic magazine by the bed. Harry scratched himself, thinking. "That is awful," he said. "Voldemort Two? It's like someone isn't even trying any more." Ron shifted around looking uncomfortable. "All right, fuck it," Harry said, standing up. "I need to get some fags anyways."
Ron waited patiently outside the store while Harry went inside to purchase what he was now calling "Muggle-treats." When Harry emerged from the shop, he turned and started walking down the street. Ron hurried to catch up.
"I don't see why we couldn't just Apparate here Harry."
Harry kept walking, turning into the park path, willing himself to ignore Ron's jab. But it was too much for him. He turned and pointed a finger at Ron. "Oh yes you do. You know why. You know exactly why I don't use magic any more." He turned around and started walking again.
Harry stopped. "That's right." He stared at his friend, then finally broke down crying. "She's dead because of me Ron." Harry collapsed into a heap on the ground, sobbing.
Ron stared at the pathetic wretch his friend had become, trying to feel pity for him. "That's not true Harry. It was an accident."
"An accident because I suck!" Harry bawled.
Ron didn't disagree with him. "It's ok Harry. It was years ago. You don't have to keep beating yourself up over it." Ron winced as Harry started punching himself.
"Yes I do, OW. Yes I do. OW! Yes I do, ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."
Ron realized this could go on for awhile. He turned, looking to see if anyone was watching, then zapped Harry with a gentle stunning spell. "Damnit man, what the hell happened to you? You used to be the best! You used to be king of the fucking world! And now this? What is this? You're pathetic!"
Harry looked up at his friend, stunned at the sudden abuse from someone other than himself. "I was never the best Ron. I sucked at magic. I'd have never have even graduated if it wasn't for Hermione. And I'd be dead a dozen times over without your help. I was hopeless."
Ron's expression softened. "That's what friends are for Harry. Remember? That's why you won. Because of your friends. Because you cared."
Harry shook his head. "No. It was more than that. I was lucky Ron. I was stupidly, insanely lucky. I could piss all over a toilet seat and inadvertently foil one of Voldemort's schemes. Every time I was in trouble, every time I was about to die, something insanely, ridiculously lucky happened to me. One time I found a sword in a hat. What are the odds of that? That doesn't make any sense!" Harry pounded his fists on the ground. "Do you hear me worms? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"
Ron didn't say anything. The thought had crossed his mind more than once.
"Everything that could break my way, did, again and again. For years. You were there. You saw it. And then all of a sudden, it stopped. Like someone flicked a light switch. At one moment all the world was my oyster, girls were all like "Heeeeeeey, Harry," and I could do no wrong. And then the next moment, I'm nothing. Just some guy with a crappy haircut and a scar, who can't do magic for shit." Ron shifted uncomfortably. It was true. Harry's life had taken a dramatic turn for the worse, almost immediately after his kids started going to school. It was almost like he had a guardian angel his whole life, who for some reason, had abruptly and completely abandoned him.
"Hermione would probably say you're imagining things Harry," Ron said.
"You mean if she hadn't died in an avalanche of penis cream?" Harry spat. He tried to suppress the memory, but couldn't. He had gotten hooked into yet another pyramid scheme, this time reselling penis enhancing topical solutions. When attempting to lower his overhead costs with the help a duplication spell, he had accidentally triggered a torrent of penis cream to cascade down a nearby hill, wiping out half the village and killing Ron's wife. The Muggle authorities hadn't known what to make of it, digging through the mess, finding corpses with just the hugest rods. They had to bring in special cranes to get them all out. The news reports were very upsetting.
Ron swallowed. He'd need more help to get Harry out of this funk. "Come on," he said, lifting his friend up off the ground.
"Where are we going?"
"We're going to Azkaban Harry," Ron said, biting his lip. To the bestophilia wing. "We're going to see Hagrid."
- CHAPTER TWO -
Balls Deep in Dragon
With a pop, Ron and Harry appeared...
And that's where it cuts off Potter-heads! Looks like pretty good stuff right? Be sure to check this site hundreds of times a day to see if there are any more updates!