At Pandora Internet Radio, they have a system called the Music Genome Project. This is a robot that maps out the DNA of music, and then finds songs that have similar DNA for you to enjoy. If you didn’t go to school, think of it like a matchmaker in a room full of cousins.
Most people use it so the robot will create a radio station based around their favorite song. Today, I’m using it to discover what happens if Phil Collins’s song “Sussudio” was allowed to breed. I will tell the robot that I enjoy “Sussudio,” which is already quite dangerous, then see what song it spits out to please me. I will then take that song and create a radio station based on it. And so on. If you’re confused, imagine stepping into alternate dimensions where Phil Collins won World War II or was born to fish parents, only on the radio.
This experiment may shock you. Your favorite song might be genetically linked directly or indirectly to “Sussudio.” We’re all about to see how thin a line we’re all walking between enjoying catchy music and having a family of dicks hibernating in our mouths.
Explaining the Su-Su-Suck System
The Music Genome Project categorizes songs via hundreds of short text descriptions like “repetitive harmonies” or “going apeshit on a saxophone.” It’s like reading the phone book if everyone were named by jazzy Native Americans. That’s why I’ve developed the Su-Su-Suck System to quickly and visually identify the lameness of a song. I’ll explain from the top clockwise.
1. Skateboarding Teddy Bear Rating
This rates how well the song works as the soundtrack to a picture of a teddy bear riding a skateboard for drug awareness. This might seem paradoxical at first, but if a bear can skateboard or if squirrels can climb into a stack and drive a car to your song, it probably sucks.
2. Muzak Rating
Do they play your song in department stores and elevators? That’s because if you play your song with a flute, it can be used to medically sedate the public in a way that still leaves their meat edible.
3. Commando Rating
If someone had 15 seconds to tell an audience about an exciting summer blockbuster, would your song help them do it? That’s because your song also tells the lizard part of our brains to kill.
4. Gay Porn Rating
Sorry, I meant for there to be a picture of gay pornography here, but the best I could find was Freddie Mercury in chain mail from the movie Commando. I had Google Smart Search on, and it was smart enough to know that if I saw two actual guys doing it, I would spend the rest of the day praying these feelings stop feeling so right and crying into the dick hole I was fucking in a gorilla suit.
5. Astley Rating
This simply measures how well your song works as a backdrop for some guy dancing like a goofy asshole.
To begin the experiment, I told Pandora to build a radio station based around my favorite song, “Sussudio,” by Phil Collins. Somewhere in Phil Collins’s mouth, a dark penis stirred, sensing the forces I’d called upon. Snakes surged out of my computer as Pandora created an electronic DJ capable of a “Sussudio”-based playlist– Drive Time Zola was born. He is Hitler’s finest Phil Collins fan, in the body of his favorite robot, weekdays from 6 to 9 a.m.
Degree #1: “Relax”
by Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Drive Time Zola’s first pick was “Relax.” Its robot brain thought the “groove based tonality” and “repetitive melodic phrasing” were a close match to Phil Collins’s song about tongue abuse. I actually think it had more to do with the fact that “Relax” starts out with these exact lyrics:
Mahaha, hiya
Give it to me one time now
Yeah, whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Well, now;
Next to “Sussudio,” it sounded like two babies were fighting over the judges’ decision in a suck contest. It lowered the property value of my ears so much that now I can’t hear lobster.
For my sanity, and my safety, I pressed pause before the part of the song where Frankie Goes to Hollywood screams, “Hit me hit me hit me hit me with your laser beam! Laser beam me!” I was working with a robot intelligence that takes that kind of command seriously, and the last thing I needed was a phaser fight in my computer while all these homosexual sonic waves were holding a protest march. Because phonically, that’s the only way to describe what was happening.
I told Drive Time Zola to erase his memory banks and then create a station based around my favorite song, “Relax” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. He sent an electronic signal telling every appliance in my home to laugh at me before he obeyed.
Degree #2: “Tarzan Boy”
by Baltimora
I think there must have been some “Sussudio” left in Drive Time Zola’s short-term memory, because he picked a song whose main lyric is “OwowowowowowawowowowoWOWO.”
According to Pandora, “Tarzan Boy” features “a vocal-centric aesthetic” that makes it a close match to Frankie Goes to Hollywood. I also found that both songs can be used to pump up the crowd at a balls touchin’ rally. It’s too early to say for sure at just the second degree of “Sussudio,” but it seems like going back in time to invent Phil Collins at the dawn of music would be a good way to destroy all happiness as we know it.
I ordered Drive Time Zola to wipe his memory clean and create a radio station built around my favorite song, “Tarzan Boy.” He asked me 243 times if I was sure before complying.
Degree #3: “Wanna Be Startin’ Something”
by Michael Jackson
Wait, one of Michael’s best songs is only three degrees of separation from “Sussudio”? That’s probably what killed him. Speaking as a Michael Jackson fan, that’s like recognizing your parents’ voices on the other side of a glory hole. This is the worst news I’ve received since I learned what a vaginal suppository was from my box of jellybeans.
I think my simple human brain might have spotted how this complicated song DNA-mapping used by the Music Genome Project works. We’ve gone from “Su-Su-Sudio” to “Mahaha, hiya” to “OwowowowowowawowowowoWOWO” to “MammasaymammasawmamaMOOsah!” I predict the next song will be made up entirely of incoherent gibberish. Like maybe “Informer” or “La Bamba.”
When I reset Drive Time Zola’s memory bank, his default favorite song was already set to “Wanna Be Startin’ Something,” so I didn’t have to give him any orders.
Degree #4: “I Like Boys”
by Missing Persons
No bullshit, this musical AI went straight from Michael Jackson to some song called “I Like Boys.” Hey, robot, that’s fucked up. He’s barely been in the ground a month! Plus, nice joke. Did your sense of humor chip come out of a Spuds Mackenzie calculator watch?
I told Drive Time Zola to start a radio station based on “I Like Boys,” some nonsense song that sounds like Molly Shannon being kidnapped and still trying to perform a Dog Show skit. He complimented me on my explaining ability and proceeded.
Degree #5: “Never Gonna Give You Up”
by Rick Astley
Pandora describes this song as having “danceable grooves” and “repetitive melodic phrasing.” I describe it as what happens when Wally Cleaver fucks a trumpet and teaches their kid to honk.
Let this be a lesson to future generations: don’t tell artificial intelligences living inside your radio that you like songs about liking boys. Even if you do. To a robot, that’s like saying “Search parameter: butthole, subroutine: put it in my mouth and ears.”
Drive Time Zola seemed happy when I pushed stop and reset his memory banks. Then I told him to make a radio station based on my favorite song and that it was “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley. Drive Time Zola knows now why I cry, but it’s something he can never do.
Degree #6: “Sussudio“
by Phil Collins
Holy fucking shit.
According to the most sophisticated music DNA-mapping software on the Earth Internet, if you go six degrees away from Phil Collins, it’s Phil Collins. I can’t even begin to describe how mathematically terrifying and impossible that is, but if I had to try, I’d say it’s like the number flerp getting raped by an eight.
“Sussudio” is a bear that’s tasted man– if you try to run away from it, it circles around and waits for you. “Sussudio” will burst through your front door and then appear in your mirror when you lock yourself in the bathroom.
I started writing this article because I thought it would help bring awareness to the fact that Phil Collins brushes his teeth with body lice shampoo. But now I’m genuinely scared. Not only because the number of dicks in Phil Collins’s mouth outnumbers our nation’s domestically deployed military, but because no matter what music we ever listen to, it’s at best only three songs away from “Sussudio.”
This entry was posted on Thursday, August 20th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
If Wonder Woman Comics Were More Honest (And Awesome)
2009 Literary Sex Off! 5 Baffling Perspectives on Boning
9 Reasons Iraqis Suck at Jumping Jacks
7 Great Occupations for Horribly Stupid People
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Recently, I found an age-gap site called __Agegapmingle.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 4th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Welcome to Shopping ======== http://www.itemscool.com
Best quality, Best reputation , Best services
With our advanced manufacturing, production lines and well-organized sales networks, we can provide many products, such as apparel, shoes, caps, handbags, etc.
Our goal is “the best quality, best reputation and best services”. Your satisfaction is our main pursue. You can find the best products from us, meeting your different needs.
HOT SELL Product Brand is below:
Nike Air Jordan(1-25)/Jordan Six Ring/Jordan Fusion/Nike Shox/Air Max/AF1/Dunk: $32
Polo/Ed Hardy/Lacoste/Ca/A&F ……T-shirt:
Coach /Gucci/Lv/Ed Hardy/D&G/Fendi ……Handbag:$35
Christian Louboutin/Lv/Ed Hardy/Gucci/Coach/Lacoste/ Timbland……Shoe :$35
True Religion/Coogi/Evisu/Ed Hardy/Prada ……Jeans:$30
New era/Gucci/Ed hardy ……cap : $13
Okely/Coach/D&G/Fendi/Gucci/Armani ……sunglass : $15
Nike shoes: 32 $, True Religion jeans: 30 $, Ed Hardy, t-shirts: 12 $, NFL Jersey: 20 $, Boots UGG: 50 $
October 28th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
wanna watch free adults movies or naked pics?? pls check out for
free__ClassyMingle.c o m__ . Wanna find your sexy partner easier and more
effective?? Check out for free: –ClassyMingle.c o m–where you can meet
the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you
waiting for? Find your sexy partner and hot movies NOW ! You will love it!
October 25th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
This artical was very funny, and I have to agree with the terrifying reach of Phil Collins. However, it’d be nice if it wasn’t so damn homophobic. This article makes it seem as if the quiality of Sussudio that makes it bad is that it’s by a guy who sucks dick, and not that it is just awful to listen to. A little less gay bashing would be nice.
October 24th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
I have to admit this article made me laugh.
I also have to admit, I love Phil Collins’ music.
When I’m in the mood.
I also have to admit, I’m a straight male, aged 19 (almost 20).
My further admittance includes that I am more of a headbanger by trade, meaning my favorite ands include Disturbed, Lamb of God, Static-X and Slayer.
Continuing my longstanding tradition of admitting things; Phil Collins is one of my favorite solo singers and he occupies a particular corner of my heart adjacent to Ozzy Osbourne and Marilyn Manson.
In fact, a few weeks ago I found myself at K-Mart wishing I had $50 to purchase a remastered copy of “Vulgar Display of Power” (by Pantera), a remastered copy of Phil Collins’ “Face Value”, a Creedance Clearwater Revival 4 Disc box set that came in a shiny tin and a Celtic Classics 4 Disc ox set that also came in a shiny tin.
My musical tastes are wide and varied.
Also I must apologize if there are any B’s missing from the above post. It appears that key has some amount of debris lodged under it. As it is a have to beat the bastard into a bloody pulp.
Hey, I think I dislodged whatever cookie crumb was causing the problem.
Yay!
October 19th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
This is most logical musical rating system I’ve ever seen.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:46 am
Funny at parts (yes, I know, I’m probably posting many months after people care, so little-to-none of this is going to have any relevance), but jeezus man, I gotta say that the sub-line is a little misleading.
A few things I’d like to point out here: your rating system makes little-to-no sense… the “diagrams” you’ve laid out have almost no coherence, and your descriptions of them don’t make sense either… So what exactly do you classify the things being, if they score high in one of the categories…? You never really fleshed out much of anything, and it really lost a lot of any analytical value there…
Granted, this is a comedic article… at least an attempt at one. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve read some of the other Seanbaby articles and laughed my arse off, but this is just downright dumb. I’ll admit there were a few parts that made me smile a little (your reaction to Sussudio coming back from the dead, to name something out of the blue) but the rest of it just seemed like dry cut “laugh because I’m a comedian!” type of humor… which all but went over my head completely.
All in all, this just was plain dumb… and besides, I think “LOL, FAG!” humor went out of style in the year 2000 when a great deal of the populace stopped giving a shit about sexual orientation, and more about less-retarded things, like feeding your family, and getting a good laugh out of the irony of how many officials blatantly act against their own voting records…
Oh, and one more thing: since when have songs that subliminally or otherwise tell us to go kill things in a murder spree been part of suck-ish-ness? If you honestly believe this, take a listen to some Blown Load songs and realize that taking that shit seriously is the bigger joke.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:12 am
there 2is 2a lar2ge 2cave2 in my but2t.2 you are 2we2l2come t2o e2nter 2it. please 2put 2stuff in it2222222222222222222
October 5th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
LMAO you know, im named after GENESIS the band, and I grew up with Phil Collins music, but I too agree that song sucks! Its beyond gay. Funny how those songs are connected though. Almost choked on a apiece of chicken from laughing so much.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:18 am
This was hilarious, even though I am a Genesis and Phil Collins fan.
I do think Sussudio is friggin queer as hell though…
September 27th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
you suck, your rating system was balls and of all people you put who at center of your bad joke…Phil Collins? Easy lover, In the Air Tonight, GENESIS member Phil Collns? If your rating system wasn’t a waving flag saying “has horrid taste in music” your disrespect of an obviously talented (not genius, just talented) artist.
Tosser
…And yes, I know Su-su-sudio is horrible
September 15th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Awwww, Seanbaby. First you rag on my girl Storm, then you shit on Phil Collins AND Michael Jackson in one article? It burns, man. It BURNS. Even if Sussudio is a wretched piece of work.
September 13th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I really must object to your rating of Tarzan Boy. It’s the Gay Fuel theme song, courtesy of the internet. I know; I live there…
September 7th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
DUUUUDE WHERE ARE YOUR ARTICLES IN THE WAVE MAG?
September 7th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
[...] Nice how-to article for Pandora. Six Degrees of Su-Su-Sudio: Using Pandora as Musical Gaydar | Cracked.com [...]
September 5th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Dark Slayer, Comedy is supposed to be comic, one thing that baby here forgot to put down, comedy, tis supposed to be comedic. Also, when the fuck did I call Collins lord of the conchords, and I asked about the chorus, because that’s the main homoerotic? Homosexual part anyways. Also P Collins, it’s Genesis. If you’re gonna follow the leader then at least be coherent. Also G’night ya wankers is a matter of speech.
September 5th, 2009 at 1:00 am
Do you have some sort of fetish for Collins being a homosexual or does it give you joy to see him become not the greatest musician of the eighties? But really, great article seanbaby, so glad that you’re here moved on from EGM (where i read your shit every month for 3 years and loved every article) Keep putting out the utmost snarky content on the web and I’ll be there reading and wishing i was Mr. T
September 4th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Want to mingle with tall singles, tall beautiful women and tall handsome men ???? Here is a very nice place——————– Tallfinder c-o-m ————-It’s where Tall singles looking for someone to enjoy their lifestyle with.You are just seconds away from taking that first step towards the life you have been longing for.
August 31st, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Six Degrees of Su-Su-Sudio: Using Pandora as Musical Gaydar | Cracked.com…
Using Pandora as musical gaydar…
August 31st, 2009 at 11:09 am
Seanbaby how F*&kin dare you. Your incoherent prat whining is taking away from the beauty and majestic fortitude that is the Phil Collins experience. Its always wanker and pube hair jokes with you, so what Phil enjoys dicks in his mouth, He’s FROM F*&KING GENISIS. You don’t even appreciate the grueling and tedious selection process Phil had to endure to obtain the Sussudio “authentic sound”. Seanbaby you are a disgrace to homoerotic pop-culture fans everywhere………call me
P. Collins (not Phil)
August 28th, 2009 at 12:46 am
Very funny article. You rock, Seanbaby. I do wonder, however, if you already had ‘Astley’ as one of your characteristic parameters before his song came up in the experiment. If so, I would have been a bit shocked by that occurrence. Of course, the ’search parameter: butthole’ line was fucking great.
Plus, I kinda wish you’d talked more about how each song fell into these categories. Not that I disagree with your judgments, just cuz I thought you’d have some funny shit to say to that effect.
And regarding these comments, I was a bit blown away how this suddenly became a forum for people’s opinions on homosexuality. Well, maybe not ‘blown away’, more ’slightly amused’. I concur with the simple consensus of “mehfags”.
And to DarkSlayerKi - spot on! I thought the exact same things when I read his little assessment.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Fucking epic, but I’m afraid to repeat the experiment on my own…
August 27th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
i once watched Captain Sensible rub his old bare ass on the photo of Phil Collins’ face on the Face Value record at a club on Toronto. a proud moment for music.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Hah, Seanbaby has been making fun of Sussudio for years, way back when he was writing for EGM.
It has been, and always will be, funny.
Great article. Fuck Phil Collins.
August 26th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Oh mimefan, you cute wonderful little pile of marizpan and angry kittens. Let me retort by using your same grading system.
A. Writers criticize things and people. That’s like saying, how dare you have an opinion!?! You are not allowed one until you achieve equal success in that field!
B. I don’t think he forgot so much as didn’t put in. Kinda hard to forget the chorus of the song. In fact, I want to say that someone put it in a movie as a hypnotic song because it was so memorable…
C. If you hate his fucking article, why the hell are you commenting on it?
D. This comment makes no sense. It’s like you rode in off your high horse from some other conversation about the troops and were like, “Ha ha! Suck my critiquing prowess!”
E. That’s nice and all, but, I believe seanbaby wrote this article to be funny, not criticize the ‘lord of the conchord’, as you basically put it.
F. Please don’t wank me.
Seanbaby writes, it’s what he does, and honestly, he does it well. People need to just lay off from taking things so damn seriously. We’d get alot farther in life if people didn’t get defensive about every single thing ever. It’d be like blowing a gasket because someone made a spoof article in which they claimed that bestiality and zoophilia derived from “Shock the Monkey” by Peter Gabriel…
August 26th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I’ve got a few things which is wrong with this place.
A. You think you can do better, get off your ass and write a song which kids 20 years from now will like, kicks off an album which effectively brings fame to you and does extremely well in America and moderately well in England.
B. You forgot to mention the chorus of Relax.
C. If you hate the fuckin’ thing, why the hell are you talkin’ bout it for?
D. If you think you’re so smug, go save ours and your troops in Iraq.
E. Phil Collins flew on a conchord to perform in two Live aid concerts to raise money for Africa, Helped raise awareness for the homeless and helped make the world the better place.
F. G’night ya wankers.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:59 am
“Search parameter: butthole” Yeah you guys are going to get me fired…i haven’t laughed that hard in a while.
August 25th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
I read this & STILL don’t know what this article is about.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
meh fag.
August 24th, 2009 at 3:54 am
If you put in a Smith’s song, you’ll usually ONLY get their songs….Pandora defeated!
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:56 pm
“I can’t even begin to describe how mathematically terrifying and impossible that is, but if I had to try, I’d say it’s like the number flerp getting raped by an eight.”
That was the most unexpected and thoroughly hilarious thing I have ever heard.
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:15 pm
I love the smell of flame wars in the morning.
August 23rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Mehfag, Trolls.
Nice article, Seanbaby. Loved the concept more than the writing, but still good.
August 23rd, 2009 at 4:26 am
I am not adverse to the media, just poser douchebag losers like you. Oh and some of my best friends are Lemmings. I am down with lemmings. You would not know good music if you heard it. And whose dicks is Phil slurping? Yours and the rest of these commenters?
August 23rd, 2009 at 3:55 am
What do you have against lemmings? Racist.
Also, if you’re so averse to the media, then how did you learn about Phil Collins? Did you discover him playing terrible music in a bar somewhere?
August 23rd, 2009 at 1:17 am
I guess if you are in your mid twenties, angry and find dick slurping articles with the actual sound of it spelled out for you funny, you should be a supreme judge of who is a big vagina. Repeatedly mentioning dick sucking that is so homoerotic and graphic, I just wonder what kind of music you listen to. I guess I should turn in my man card because I have the stones to admit I enjoy the music a bunch of pseudo punk angsty dorks hate. You are a lemming and using quirky phrasing and continuosly mentioning balls and various slang for genitalia makes you awesome. I will see you in your back alley. Get your thumb ready Potsy.
August 22nd, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Holy fuck slacker, learn to speak some chinese and get the fuck out of the house for gods sake. Really?? Halfway around the world, or lying prostrate in the alley behind my house with my thumb in your eyesocket, we all still hate you. Your grammatically correct and impeccably spelled “drunken” rambling does nothing but cement the existence of your swelling ovaries in the consciousness of anything with a cortex. You like phil collins. Any living thing with a pulse or two balls contained in a nutsack will wholeheartedly agree, you need to sew your vagina shut and make sure nothing ever escapes.
August 22nd, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Have your grandma pull the car around.
August 22nd, 2009 at 4:06 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQBT89MFnS8
duuuuuude
you just brought the people together below a phil collins video. seanbaby for president…
August 22nd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
*sniffs*
I smell a Dream Theater reference.
August 22nd, 2009 at 11:36 am
I like Phil Collins and Genesis. This article was hilarious though.
“Going apeshit on a saxophone” indeed.
August 22nd, 2009 at 9:47 am
see this is what makes the internet so great. Two guys can argue and than come to some common ground. I appreciate some good banter as long as it ends up in good fun. Who cares. I enjoyed this. I live on the other half of the world and cannot always get the same entertainment in america. Good night all. It is 2 am here and I am drunk. And to be honest, seanbaby’s comments on the worst nes games ever are pretty funny and i agree and have played most of those shitty games. Check out his site. Bye.
August 22nd, 2009 at 5:50 am
Jvslacker - nah, I’m a bit pooped. The long posts admittedly do take it out of me. I’ve really just never been particularly good at editing for length. There’s an art of sorts to that and I’m nowhere even slightly close to mastering it.
I will say that you do seem like an okay sort, though. While I did say that I considered your behavior idiotic, I tried to go out of my way not to imply that you are stupid. Actually, if I thought you were stupid I would not be responding in the first place. Just wanted to throw that out there.
I’ve got nothing against Phil Collins or Genesis, although I might in the future after having Sussudio stuck in my head all day yesterday.
Cheers.
August 22nd, 2009 at 5:33 am
Ok than you are right I did stereotype those guys, my bad. Green day still sucks ass
August 22nd, 2009 at 5:20 am
Oh and since I usually post twice, I’ll just say its easy to pick on Sussudio. Try something a bit harder and more controversial. How about U2 sucks. Especially bono. This should piss some people off.
August 22nd, 2009 at 5:16 am
I wasn’t talking about you stereotyping gays, I was talking about you stereotyping people as liking generic crap Green Day because they don’t like Phil Collins.
August 22nd, 2009 at 5:16 am
Truth being, It is Saturday afternoon and I have nothing to do. Worked all week. I posted a comment and a few have disagreed. I do not truly feel as though I am fighting anyone or really feel that any of this is truly personal. I have been quite constructive all week. I have checked this periodically through the day, because arguing inane topics about currently irrelevant artists is sometimes funny and not a waste of time if you enjoy the process of doing it. We are now essentially debating who is the smarter commenter by posting ever larger responses towards one another with bigger and bigger words and phrases. I applaud your one-upsmanship and your verbosity. I will argue with you for as long as you want. Gets a bit lonely in China (yes so if you want to tell me its not Saturday afternoon yet, it is here). Anyway my Girlfriend just got back from belly dancing class, however I will be glad to spar back and forth as long as you like. Topic 1: Seanbaby sucks 2: Phil Collins sucks at times, but not as bad as SB says. 3: I am not gay, however if it pleases you, we can rehash that. I do believe that ship has sailed. Good day. I look forward to hearing your reply.
August 22nd, 2009 at 4:39 am
Jvslacker,
If you reread through my comments, you’ll find that my “incessant defense of Seanbaby” himself is actually rather minimal. I don’t fight people’s fights for them. What I DO do is rib people who are displaying idiotic behavior. I mean, look at yourself - you’re tied up arguing with people in the comments section of a columnist you don’t consider particularly talented when you probably have better and more constructive things you could be doing. Most people would simply say their piece and move on while you’re trying to convince people that something they consider to be funny really isn’t. You insist on debating people about something that’s largely a matter of taste. When you get ridiculed for it, which was inevitable, you start taking it personally instead of recognizing that you got yourself in this mess and are only digging yourself deeper. You are really in no position to try to make ANYONE here look more idiotic than yourself when your very presence here is silly and absurd and when your every comment, no matter how erudite, simply belabors that point.
Secondly, I’ll point out that my insinuations that you are gay are very mild. YES, I don’t *KNOW* whether you are gay, and I really could care less either way. It’s not a big deal to me. That’s the point. As far as I’m concerned, it says about as much about you as if I were to say you have green hair. Saying that wouldn’t make me “anti-green hairist.” The negativity of a label lies in the attitudes of the one perceiving it. If you consider being labeled “gay” to be negative, the problem there is with your implicit beliefs and attitudes, not mine.
August 22nd, 2009 at 3:22 am
I also really have no problem with Phil bashing. Just be funny when you do it. My bottom line is that this article is terrible. I just happen to like Phil. I stand by my opinion that this columnist sucks and most of his humor is just ranting absurdly at best.
August 22nd, 2009 at 3:20 am
Rooster,
I can accept this because your point is valid and well spoken. I agree with how genesis was changed largely due to Phil’s later influence. However in the late 70’s Genesis produced their best material. So I understand some disdain for Phil, but comparing him earlier to Michael Jackson (not you) others is both absurd and foolish. Michael is not a God. Everything from the 90’s up really sucked. I just really don’t like when people accuse you of being gay for liking someone they do not. I also did not stereotype gays. I was not assuming gays were sad, but just that the last commenter obviously was.
August 22nd, 2009 at 12:56 am
Jvslacker, you can’t simultaneously complain about someone assuming you’re gay and then one post later stereotyping people just as you’d complained about two minutes earlier.
I hate Phil Collins largely in part to his reputation in the rock world. I’m a huge prog rock fan, and Collins had a lot of promise as a drummer. Instead, he squandered it all writing insincere, unimpressive pop songs, even with Genesis. I hate him not for what he did with his own music, but for what he did to the music he could have made. He took a band I loved in a direction I hated. And no, I don’t like Green Day; I despise them as well.
August 21st, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Also most people who judge Phil Collins for his pop and have no clue about his real reputation in the rock world, are the same douche’s who love shit like Greenday or some other poser punk garbage who can only play one cord or write trite lyrics about standing up to the man…..blah blah blah
August 21st, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Nice long comment. However truth is I am not gay. Way to patronize me and the gay community “calling it how you see it.” The bottom line is that this is not a funny article much like seanbaby’s other articles. To be fair, I did check out his website and his comments about NES games are marginally funny. Your incessant defense of this guy is what is disturbing, and the fact that you immediately called or assumed I was gay for not liking it or possibly liking Phil Collins further points out your insecurities where ever they may lie. I will not assume it is that you are gay, however it is evident that something is sad in your life. Furthermore, I do enjoy faceless rants with internet morons, so keep it coming.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Jvslacker-buddy,
Hey, I didn’t say a thing about your being gay bothering me in any way. On the contrary - remember when I stated, “Hang in there, pal. I’m sure they’ll all still be willing to accept you just the way you are.”? That was a word of support. It really is okay if you’re gay. It’s normal. Sociologists estimate that about 10% of the world’s population at any given time is actually gay.
My concern is that it seems to bother YOU so much. I mean, you’re the one getting all defensive about being identified with gay people. Me? I’ve been saying all along that it’s okay and just a matter of who you are - you really can’t help that. As far as I’m concerned, it’s tantamount to saying you like Gorgonzola on your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches - I mean, it’s pretty fucking different, but who am I to judge?
You, on the other hand, seem to take offense at the notion that your strong fondness for Phil Collins, as a contributing member of the uber cool progressive rock band Genesis, might somehow imply that you have strong homosexual tendencies. I’d furthermore add that you comments seem to indicate that you consider this to be a personal criticism and that you think it’s somehow a bad thing if you’re gay. I’d like to point out that such beliefs are ENTIRELY in your head. It REALLY is okay if you’re gay. I’m sure you’re still a great person. If you have problems being labeled such, perhaps your concerns against that label lie in your own prejudices.
I just call them as I see them. I don’t make moral judgments either way. It’s GOOD for you to come to terms with your sexuality, regardless of which way you swing. If you take offense at being labeled “gay”, might I perhaps hypothesize that all negative connotations connected to that term are, perhaps, in your own judgment and not mine?
August 21st, 2009 at 10:15 pm
I am both. But bottom line is this guy is not funny. Also don’t compare me to him and say I am not funny. I am not a humor columnist. It is not my job to be funny. If I cannot write a humorous article better, still does not take away from the fact that seanbaby sucks ass.
August 21st, 2009 at 8:06 pm
You are pure gold.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:27 pm
jvslacker I’m not sure if you’re insane or just fucked in the head.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:34 pm
As a fan of the 1UP YOURS and BROKEN PIXELS podcasts, I am familiar with the universal law of Phil Collins and the quantum singularity in his mouth that draws all poles in 100 mile radius into his mouth.
For kicks, I did my own Sussudio Six Degrees at Pandora:
1. She Drives Me Crazy - Fine Young Cannibals
2. Dancing with Myself - Billy Idol
3. White Wedding - Billy Idol
4. Mony Mony - Billy Idol
5. Twist and Shout - The Beatles
6. I Saw Her Standing There - The Beatles
August 21st, 2009 at 4:10 pm
telling somebody not to rant at an article by ranting at their comment is both stupid and sad. Loser.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:09 pm
the fact that 2 douchebags like you defend a marginal at best online columnist’s sense of humor speaks volumes for your stupidity. Fuck Phil Collins and you both. This guy’s sense of humor amounts to saying something vaguely absurd and cursing while he does it angrily. I realize these appeals to your miniscual level of sophistication, and your comebacks about my sexuality or telling me I should move on and not rant if i don’t like something by ranting about it are cute and sweet. And what if I was gay Cohiba, does that bother you. Let the hate seeth some more, because the humor does not.
August 21st, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Jvslacker,
The comments about Phil Collins hitting a little too close to home, hmm? I mean, feeling a little insecure in your sexuality there, buddy? Are Seanbaby’s insinuations about Phil Collins’ music raising uncomfortable questions about your personal propensity to munch on the genitalia of members of your own gender? Afraid your friend’s and family are going to start thinking you’re gay if they happen across this article?
Hang in there, pal. I’m sure they’ll all still be willing to accept you just the way you are.
August 21st, 2009 at 3:38 pm
@ Jvslacker
I love how nobodys all over the internet go to a website, read the material, then complain about how unfunny, uninteresting, or unintelligible something is… fucking retards.
Seriously, if you don’t like it, just leave. Whats the point of sulking about it? Don’t like it? You don’t have to. GTFO.
If you’re so much funnier than Seanbaby, why don’t you link your gutwrenchingly hilarious articles? Why? Because you don’t fucking have any. You just go around talking shit because you’re so insecure about yourself.
Bottomline:
__________________
Jvslacker = Loser
August 21st, 2009 at 2:59 pm
oh and that 10 angry commenters article was not funny either. A grown man who can’t take criticism boo hoo.
August 21st, 2009 at 2:57 pm
I love how any commenter’s first put down is always spelling, as if that was the end all and be all of internet intelligence. The truth is that the person who disagrees with you but doesn’t have the intelligence to come up with a valid point why can always go back to typos and slight misspells. Phil Collins has contributed to the greatest progressive rock band ever. Genesis!! He has also dominated the pop charts as well. Some of his pop shit sucks, like some Cracked Columnists suck i.e. seanbaby. However he is still better than Michael Jackson. The media says you should like Jackson, so you do. Fucking Lemming. And once again this article was not funny. Just more cursing posed as insight or humor.
August 21st, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Oh well. You’re angry because Pandora called you gay. Amusing.
August 21st, 2009 at 1:14 pm
http://www.cracked.com/blog/10-species-of-angry-commenter-you-encounter-on-the-web/
Before you come in trying to make some sort of long-winded comment about how this article wasn’t funny or intolerant or whatever, just know:
Seanbaby has you beat to the punch.
August 21st, 2009 at 11:42 am
You must REALLY hate sting.
August 21st, 2009 at 11:25 am
LexTaliones lacks the mental capacity for humor. How about instead of reading cracked articles you go watch CSPAN? At least there you can find legitimate reasons to piss and moan about someone elses work regardless of it’s intention or the context of which whatever assanine opinion you take offense to takes place in.
Seanbaby, keep up the good work, sweetcheeks.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:06 am
good point, @cohibaman
Seriously, people who read this and think Seanbaby is gay-bashing are just the fussy type that desperately needs to whine about something whether or not any offense exists… They just look for keywords and BOOM - WAH WAH WAH!! Either that, or they have a genetic mutation that prevents their brain from executing laughter…or, they just hate happiness. In any case, take your megaphone and your diaper and go shout your complaints where it’s actually appropriate. This is a house of joviality, dammit!
Also, Seanbaby doesn’t hate Phil Collins, I bet. He’s written about the man so much in such bizarre terms…because it’s funny…it’s like a really strange albeit high form of flattery. You gotta wonder if Phil C has googled himself and seen all Seanbaby’s mentions and just been baffled over what the hell is going on. That’s what cracks me up about it.
Anyway, ignore the whiny tantrums, Seanbaby! You’re incredible! (besides, they keep reading faithfully, so it can’t be all that bad!)
August 21st, 2009 at 9:35 am
Vroooom! Here comes LexTaliones and the Bitch Brigade! *fake machine gun sounds* Oh no, it’s not cool to make fun of things for being gay - I’m outta here!
Here’s the thing. Gay culture is intentionally in-your-face flamboyant, tasteless, and a bit weird. This is the result of gay people feeling that they’ve been repressed so long that they had to “let loose” when they finally came out of the closet. There was also a commensurate desire to make “normal society” feel uncomfortable the way they had to feel uncomfortable while being in the closet. The culture is intentionally not normal because it’s meant to fly in the face of the traditional society which gay people feel has kept them down.
The result is that, when something is flamboyantly odd in that sort of way, it gets labeled as “gay.” This is especially the case when the oddness is unintentional. Doing this is not homophobic. You will notice that Seanbaby, like most other commentators that use the term, makes no moral judgment against gay people. If he did, that could potentially be construed as homophobic.
Instead, Seanbaby merely points out that certain songs, either intentionally or unintentionally, bring to mind thoughts of dudes sucking each other off and chicks fingerbanging one another. It’s not his fault that it’s actually pretty damn funny.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:30 am
Hey LexTaliones! Go eat some dicks already!
August 21st, 2009 at 8:24 am
Another good one, Seanbaby. Makes you wonder how other songs would connect. I also wonder how songs that have been performed by many artists would connect. Would each version of “Mack the Knife” connect to other versions? Would songs connect to the Wierd Al versions? Geez, just scared myself…
Ok, let’s say one song connects to Wierd Al, then Ray Stevens connects to that because some people thought him funny….then it might connect to Jerry Reed’s “The Bird”…can you imagine the horror if you could connect Aerosmith to Jerry Reed in only 4 moves?
August 21st, 2009 at 7:49 am
Oh shit, we’re losing the LexTaliones dollar.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:30 am
[...] close is your favorite song to “Sussudio”? The answer may very well shatter your preconceived notions of how much you like [...]
August 21st, 2009 at 7:24 am
C’mon man, are you seriously making fun of stuff by calling it Gay? That’s pretty fucking lame man. Talk about perpetuating intolerance. it’s cool to be goofy and shit here, but why resort to prejudice and homophobia? They really fucked up when they hired you. I’m seriously considering not coming here anymore.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:12 am
@CohibaMan: Oh fuck, I lol’d. xD
August 21st, 2009 at 6:58 am
german_commentator:
Haven’t your people gotten in trouble before for making blanket generalizations like that in the past? I’m starting to sense a track record here.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:50 am
@german_commentator: Take the cock out of your ass and chill.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:16 am
Dore-
Are you a lean, slightly muscular, 18 year old blond transsexual Norwegian hooker named “Helga”? Because Wally Bear is PRETTY SURE he only does those things with sweet, sweet trannies named Helga!
Er, that is, if he did such things as coke or Klondike bars. Which he doesn’t. Goddammit.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:02 am
By the way, Pseudo Doctorchaos, when I say “your mom”, I really mean “my mom.” And when I say “my mom”, I really mean a jar of mayonnaise with saran wrap covering the opening so it doesn’t get too messy.
I like to fuck the shit out of that jar while you’re asleep. With my shriveled midget gherkin.
August 21st, 2009 at 5:52 am
i cry some
August 21st, 2009 at 5:52 am
READINGISHARD
August 21st, 2009 at 5:49 am
some of your lines in this are pure genius.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:27 am
Degrees #2-5 cracked me up, especially the Michael Jackson one (”I like boys”, muahaha). Great job! Plus, nice “Terminator 2″ reference!
August 21st, 2009 at 4:02 am
I think the machine just wanted to RickRoll you.
I should have known 4chan would cause computers to try to kill, or at least annoy us all.
August 21st, 2009 at 3:11 am
HAHA
The pseudo Doctorchaos’ make me LOL
More I say, give me MORE!
Oh wait, that’s what your mother says when I do her after you’ve gone to bed.
August 21st, 2009 at 3:02 am
this was AWESOME!! i loved it. i needed that kind of laugh tonight, thanks for delivering!
(and Jvslacker, sorry, I was gonna ignore you, but WHAT? Michael Jackson is overrated and Phil Collins is one of the greatest singer/songwriters ever? what planet do you live on? I could throw a dart at a list of all songs MJ ever sang a single note in and even if I hit “Somebody’s Watching Me” it would still be better than Phil Collins. that goes doubly for songs Michael actually wrote)
August 21st, 2009 at 2:58 am
If all Americans were homophobes, would that include the gay ones?
August 21st, 2009 at 2:47 am
Not all americans are homophobes you idiot that would be like me saying all germans are nazis and hate jews.
August 21st, 2009 at 2:45 am
Sussudio isn’t actually a bad song, but the article is still hilarious.
August 21st, 2009 at 2:33 am
well, predjudice come true: all americans are homophobes. don’t you have something different to say than just “this is stupid so it must be gay?” this would be funny if we were all ten years old, but actually after a while you should just move on.
August 21st, 2009 at 1:45 am
@Jvslacker - you make good points but fail to recognise that you’re just a little bitch who (a) can’t spell and (b) doesn’t understand the concept of a humour webSITE.
August 21st, 2009 at 1:16 am
wow. Thanks, Phil Collins.
I thought it was funny, seanbaby
August 21st, 2009 at 12:48 am
You are the angriest, foulest and least funny of all Cracked columnists, and I love this sight. I think you confused humor with cursing in an angry vooice, somewhat like Lewis Black. By the way Phil Collins is an accomplished singer and songwriter and an integral part of one of rocks greatest bands before 1983. Your knowledge of music seems to be limited. Does Sussudio suck? Yes. Does a lot of his other music suck? sure. However in the grand scope of music, Phil has contributed a lot more than most credited artists ever have. Michael is overrated, dead or not. Now rant about this and call me a fucktard or something “funny”
August 21st, 2009 at 12:40 am
Phil Collins sucks SOLO, Genesis doesn’t count.
August 21st, 2009 at 12:19 am
It seems like Drive Time Zola was mocking you. Either that, or an inclination to Eighties Brain Dead Easy Rock is an implied insult unto itself.
August 21st, 2009 at 12:15 am
Dang it SB - not available in Canada. How will I ever know if “Blow at High Dough” is genetically related to “Tom Sawyer” or “Patio Lanterns”
August 20th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
“that’s like recognizing your parents’ voices on the other side of a glory hole.”
Mr. Baby, you are a true comedic genius.
August 20th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Hey, Wally Bear. If I give you 10 bucks and a Klondike bar, will you suck my dick? And swallow? I’ve seen what bears do with their tongues and beehives, and damn if that don’t look hot.
You can also snort coke from out of my asscrack, if the mood strikes you.
August 20th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
I was questioning Phil Collin’s gayness that you wrote about. I had to Wikipedia that shit, then ended up more confused than before. I’ll list the facts, then let you decide.
1. Phil has been married three times and fathered three kids. (not gay?)
2. Phil supports PETA and donated drumsticks to fight KFC. (GAY!!)
3. Collects things about the Battle of the Alamo. (not gay?)
4. Starred in “Buster”. (GAY!!)
After reviewing the evidence, I would be inclined to guard my bunghole is I was within 100 ft of that homo.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
“Somewhere in Phil Collins’s mouth, a dark penis stirred, sensing the forces I’d called upon”
This will crack me up all week.
I love people that comment “tldr”…they should put “hiaiwADDwcdlsowayiftntcosowmpsbhnwkaiad” which means:
Hello, I’m an idiot with ADD who can’t digest long strings of words and yet I feel the need to comment on something of which my pea-sized brain has no working knowledge. Also, I’m a douche.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
And remember, kids: be sure to call the Wally Bear hotline at 1-800-HI-WALLY! Because, if you don’t, we’re gonna to teach you the hard way that there’s no gang banging like a No Gang banging!
And by that, I mean it’s gonna hurt. Badly. In your ass. Just call the fucking number.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
mmwow
August 20th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Thanks for the subtle reference toward me and the No Gang, Seanbaby! Just remember, you don’t have to go along with the crowd to be cool! It’s okay to be yourself! If someone doesn’t like you because you say no, he’s not your friend!
Or how about this one: Just stay away from the drugs or we’ll be coming to collect your motherfucking balls.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
tl;dr
August 20th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
With Pandora, regardless of what I enter (Sage Francis, Barry White, Sly and the Family Stone,) it’s never more than three degrees from death metal. I LIKE death metal, I just can’t follow the logic from Atmosphere>Aesop Rock>Behemoth.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
HAHAHAHA! DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS!!!!!
August 20th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Ho hum. Another idiot comes on here pretending to be me. Some of you readers are as asinine as the poor excuses that pass for columnists around here.
For the record, while I really am vertically-retarded and would say that “gherkin” is an apt term for that which I am endowed with, I do NOT fuck male rabbits.
I prefer to unload my splooge in aborted fetuses. Don’t judge until you’ve tried it. It’s goood.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
SUCK
August 20th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Pandora thinks that Pink Floyd == Procol Harum.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Hell to the yes
August 20th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
I have always (since like last year) wanted to try something like that, but I’m no scientist. Thanks, Seanbaby! (I really do think Pandora secretly knows the sexual orientation of the artists. My Darren Hayes station is filled with nothing but gay foreigners. Are there no straight American men into electro-pop? Shocking!)
August 20th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
No way, Phil’s solo efforts are more about him as a person, and thus more satisfying in a narrower sense.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Dear Readers and Writers of Cracked.com,
For quite some time now, I’ve been a prick. I’ve decided to come out about this fact on Seanbaby’s column because no one reads Seanbaby anyway. At any rate, I have been going through a 12-step program and have been told to make peace with people whom I might have caused duress.
For the record, I have inferiority problems which lead me to feel as though I must heavily criticize those whom I perceive to be far more successful than myself. I am affected by a condition known as dwarfism. Actually, for the record, we prefer the term “vertically-retarded” but I’ll let it pass if you simply call me a midget. At any rate, I’m not as attractive as that Mini-me guy or even that Willow dude when he wears the leprechaun makeup in a line of films whose name escapes me at the moment. I don’t get chicks and so I am reduced to pumping my hot, hard, chlamydia-ridden love gherkin into the anal cavities of small male rabbits. I know it’s sick. I’m working on getting better. I need your support.
At any rate, in the future I’ll most likely deny having written this, but I thank you for taking the time to read what I needed to say. Maybe I need to learn to love myself before I can learn to love others.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Omg, that was so freaken hilarious. Who would have known that Micheal Jackson is tied by DNA to a song called “I Like Boys”. And then that, to “Never Gonna Give You Up”. That was so funny i was laughing my ass off. Seanbaby, you never cease to amaze me.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I think you show a fundamental misunderstanding of how Pandora works :/
Having it go out and come back to Sussudio in 6 steps doesn’t mean that everything is connected by at most 3 steps. See, every song you played was part of a similar group of songs to Sussudio. Try doing the same thing with a heavy metal song and the same loop thing could happen - but all 5 songs you played would be heavy metal songs.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Finally, technology that can instantly link my love of Pearl Jam with every other band that sounds exactly like Pearl Jam. Thank god!
August 20th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
hahahahaha
Phil was a great drummer when he was on Genesis, but MAN is his solo 80s output crap
August 20th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Now you’ve made me actually WANT Pandora, just for the unavoidable hilarity.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
I am a little bit sadden by the fact that we allowed Phil Collins live past birth but maybe its just the crazy person in my head
August 20th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
This is my first comment ever on cracked, and I’m just posting it to say Seanbaby is god damn hilarious and is one of the internet’s greatest treasures. Anyone who fails to see this must be a Gladstone fan, because clearly they have no idea what humour is. I’d read a hundred Seanbaby articles before I sit through another stupid Hate by Numbers.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Another piece of gold crapped out by seanbaby. Awesomeness…..achieved.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
You sure love dicks in your mouth, seanbaby. I think you need to tone down your homosexual urges a little. After reading your fifth paragraph containing something penis related, it got old.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Oh man you can’t use Pandora outside the U.S. I was ready to do some exxxperiments
August 20th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
It had its moments… Your sense of humor is a lot less, how shall I say, mature than the other columnists… This was all a bit juvenile. You’ve got to make sophisticated dick jokes, SOPHISTICATED!
August 20th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
this was a stupid not funny article.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
YES! More Phil Collins bashing!
August 20th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
I’ve loved your stuff since you came to Cracked (before, actually), but the gay jokes are getting really, really old. Indescribably old. This was almost unreadable.
August 20th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
My six degrees (also starting with Sussudio):
In the Air Tonight - Phil Collins
Take Me Home - Phil Collins
One More Night - Phil Collins…
At this point, I’m remembering that Pandora always starts with a song by the same artist, and I’m gonna start over, this time logging the SECOND song it plays…
Who Said I Would? - Phil Collins
Okay, that didn’t work. THIRD song then…
Burning Down The House - The Talking Heads (FINALLY)
Alive and Kicking - Simple Minds (Second song this time)
Let’s Go All The Way - Sly Fox (First Song, apparently that rule only applies to bands I’ve heard of)
Private Party - The ComSat Angels (First Again)
Stop Dead - The Cure (First, and this one’s tolerable!)
Never Say - Eurogliders (First, and possibly gayer than Phil Collins. Disturbing.)
August 20th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
I laugh at this, but you know that radio stations gotta be bullshit, it probably just grabs random stuff, or even worse, it saved all your previous searches in a database, and just spit your own choices back at you, oh and you definitely expounded on one of mankinds great truths, and that is that “Sususudio” is the worst song of all time.
August 20th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
That was great!! I laughed like an eight raping the number flerp.
And those charts were comedy GOLD, Seanbaby.
August 20th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
[...] Using Pandora as Musical Gaydar – Su Su Sudio! (Cracked) [...]
August 20th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
You had me at Arnim Zola. The rest was also good.
August 20th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Attacking Phil Collins? I mean, really guys, don’t you know anything about music? Never listened to 1970’s prog-rock Genesis when the lyrics were really freaky and the music twisted in ways you never imagined before? Never noticed that Phil drummed behind everyone from Eric Clapton to John Cale (yes, Velvet Underground John Cale) to Ozzy Osbourne to Jethro Tull and even Led Zeppelin during their 1985 Live Aid show? Get some damn albums beyond “No Jacket Required”.
August 20th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
To Anonymouse, consider yourself blessed, man. Michael Jackson and Steely Dan tear ass. You could have ended up at…you know…Sussudio. [Typing that shit hurts.]
August 20th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Oh man. I can’t hear lobsters either! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!1!!!!
August 20th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
At least MJ’s song was at the farthest possible from Sussudio. 3 degrees of separation. That’s good, right? Right?
Help me sing it: “MamasemamasamamaMOOsah!”
August 20th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Terrifying, but your experiment was like going to a high school reunion, and your class was 10 people. No matter how much you try to avoid the guy with bad BO, you’re going to end up near him and his face-melting stench.
If you start with something completely different (Say, Metallica or Mozart), and THEN ended up as Sususudio within six degrees, I’d be genuinely terrified.
August 20th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Doctorchaos, the reason they don’t stream outside of America is international copywrite laws. They aren’t just sticking it to the world, it’s a lisencing issue.
August 20th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
wow…just wow…
:/
August 20th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I tried putting in “Wanna be Startin’ Something” and I got “Thriller” and Steely Dan. Wtf?
August 20th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I’m still surprised you got Rickroll’d while doing this article. I also liked how all the songs on this list are from the 80s and have a very 80s sound.
It’s interesting how Pandora put that indescribable 80s style into such eloquent terms: “repetitive harmonies”, “a vocal-centric aesthetic”, and “repetitive melodic phrasing”. It’s all so true!
I personally always liked “Tarzan Boy” and Rick Astley. But that shit was fucked up when it gave you “I Like Boys”. They seriously need to fix that.
August 20th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
i love you for mocking phil collins.
you’re a gem, my friend. keep posting articles like this and i will laugh my tear ducts dry.
August 20th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
<3
August 20th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
i forgot to write down all the steps but i know it involved 3doors down and 3days grace
i discovered Disturbeds indestructible is a mere 6 steps away from nickel backs photograph
it now plays death metal
August 20th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Thank you Seanbaby. This was the best article of yours that I have read in a while. I am a firm believer in that the best articles are those that are mostly written and you proved it. Pictures or some cartoons are fine, but when the whole post is one big comic, it really is a let down (Behind The Smile: The Horrible Truth about Bob from Enzyte). I really enjoyed this one.
August 20th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
My god, it’s true. I just listened to a cover of World of Confusion, by In Flames. I liked it.
August 20th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Come on, Phil Collins isn’t THAT terrible!!!!
At the very least least, the Tarzan soundtrack and “Land of Confusion” are really good.
August 20th, 2009 at 11:50 am
from Micheal Jackson to I Like Boys
August 20th, 2009 at 11:48 am
WEED HOOT SMOKE JOINT< HOOKAH BONG WEED!!!!
August 20th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Also….there are two types of people in this world. Those that “get” Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Ren and Stimpy, and Aqua Teen Hunger force and…..those that don’t. My guess is, that those that get the aforementioned shows love Seanbaby (like me) and the others are the pricks who don’t (and they are not my friends) :P.
August 20th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Hi Seanbaby. You are my favorite. I can’t hear the lobsters either.
August 20th, 2009 at 11:11 am
I don’t know what it is about your articles but I just really don’t like them anymore. The Sims 3 Experiment had me laughing so hard I was crying, quite literally in fact. But nowadays I either give up trying to read them or just don’t crack a smile at all. I know I’m not giving any helpful suggestions here and you probably don’t give a fuck but you’re losing me.
August 20th, 2009 at 10:26 am
EVERYBODY NOW!
Ah, shes all I need all of my life
I feel so good if I just say the word
Sussudio I just say the word
Oh sussudio I just say the word
Oh sussudio Ill say the word
Sussudio oh oh oh
Just say the word
Sussuussuusuussuuuuudiooooo *slurp*
And don’t forget the motherfucking trumpets!
August 20th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Great, now I’m being taunted because I’m British and can’t use Pandora any more.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:53 am
You’re the worst, seanbaby. I love every other Cracked columnist but you. You’re vulgar and unfunny and should really have an actual name.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:53 am
ok… i wrote half a comment.. went for me dinner and came back. finished and posted… i got told im posting too fast…..
August 20th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Great article man.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Hahahah dude this article was epic. Good stuff. I love your internet experiments. This made me laugh as hard as the sims article you did. You should really write a book!
August 20th, 2009 at 9:42 am
I use Pandora. It works a lot better if you make stations based on an artist, not a specific song.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Great article overall, but, “‘Sussudio’ is a bear that’s tasted man,” is the money shot!
August 20th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Everything is only a few degrees from Phil Collins. Except Peter Gabriel, who is only a few degrees from Godliness.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Here are my results:
1) Hungry Like the Wolf
2) Never Gonna Give You Up
3) Oh Sherri
4) Let My Love Open the Door
5) Don’t Lose My Number ( by Phil )
6) If You Leave
Not quite as scary as the original list but still I got back to Phil in 5 songs, not a good omen.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:12 am
“Speaking as a Michael Jackson fan, that’s like recognizing your parents’ voices on the other side of a glory hole.”
I think that’s the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever read!
August 20th, 2009 at 8:59 am
You know, I happen to like Phil Collins.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:37 am
This was hilarious. You should write a book. I would sleep with it under my pillow.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Never heard this song, so I looked it up, which led me to “In The Air Tonight”, which, of course, led to a solid 25 minutes of rocking back and forth in the fetal position and crying.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Absolutely hilarious. Seanbaby is one of the best writers anywhere.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:57 am
That was lame.. but that’s my opinion.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:51 am
“He sent an electronic signal telling every appliance in my home to laugh at me before he obeyed.”
I was giggling quietly to myself over the article until i got to this line. Lost it and kept losing it though out the rest of the article. Great stuff.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:47 am
My experience with Pandora is all past tense. Thanks to the RIAA, Pandora no longer allows Canadian listeners. I cannot play this game.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Dear Seanbaby,
I know you can be funny when you want. So why do you so often lazily substitute vulgarity and insults for actual humor?
Your pal,
Luke
August 20th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Doctorchaos you fucking idiot, did you pay attention? Iron Maiden and Phil Collins are just 3 degrees apart.
I don’t know how stupid people’s brains work, but it seems, like our friend (not) Can Man here that he only looks for a word that he thinks will make people uncomfortable and then jumps to the comment section to mock the writer (Seanbaby) beacuse he thinks himself to be the only voice crying out for social equality on the internet. If he only stayed for 3 more lines he would’ve realized that no gay bashing took place at all.
Fucking moron.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Seanbaby: You rule.
CanMan: I’m the last person on Earth to get his constant exposure to Seanbaby through Cracked (as opposed to say, the late EGM) but is “You suck, Seanbaby,” some sort of inside joke? Like “Primus sucks?”
August 20th, 2009 at 7:27 am
Good stuff. Keep up the good work.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:25 am
“It lowered the property value of my ears so much that now I can’t hear lobster.”
Sheer brilliance.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Oh God, that’s eerie. I was watching American Psycho while reading this, and as soon as I finished, he started screwing the two whores… to the tune of Sussudio.
I’m scared. Phil Collins is watching….
August 20th, 2009 at 7:20 am
“having a family of dicks hibernating in our mouths”
LMMFAO!
SeanBaby, you did it again! Great stuff!
August 20th, 2009 at 7:18 am
OMG THIS MUSIC WILL MAKE ME CATCH TEH GHEY I’M SO SCARED BETTER GO WRITE ABOUT MMA SOME MORE.
You suck, Seanbaby.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Congratulations, I will never be happy again.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Oh Doctor Chaos,
Quit complaining, we already know how much you like cocks in your mouth.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:05 am
Wait… 21 responses and NO ONE pointed out that you guys got Rick Roll’d?!
What the hell?!
August 20th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Really funny, but I think using a base song that was ACTUALLY about gay shit could’ve made it funnier by making people realize some of their music is genetically homo. But still way funny, good work.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Mother Fuckers, that shit only works if your i.p. is American, way to enforce your arrogant asshole steretype to the rest of the world, you and that Hulu tv site can go fuck yourselves. TWICE!
Somebody do Fear of the Dark by Iron Maiden and see where it goes.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Jesus God. I need to stop reading your articles at work. Almost lost it on this one. Bravo.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:53 am
Great stuff, I approve.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:52 am
Yeah, not your best, SB.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Aww. I love Phil Collins, but this shit was hilarious.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Seanbaby is awesome. The haters need to start up a website of their own where we can read their unfathomably hilarious shit.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:27 am
So people exist that continually try to say Seanbaby isn’t funny?
Isn’t that like indians who still think the world isn’t round? It was kind of proven hundreds of years ago, back when the internet was still in its “wood” stage. At this point it just looks like your trying to get attention or go against the grain, like the kid that still thinks he’s going to die from Typhoid Fever…
wait, what?
August 20th, 2009 at 5:58 am
I tried that Genome thing. I put in Born to Run and it gave me ‘Local Hero’, another Springsteen song. I put in Billy Joel’s ‘And So It Goes’ and it gave me ‘Piano Man’. I put in John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ AND IT GAVE ME THE ACOUSTIC VERSION OF ‘IMAGINE’.
I think it’s cheating somehow.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:47 am
I just laughed so hard that snot flew out of my face…
and it’s not like I can just explain to my coworkers that I’m reading an article about what a prolific dickeater Phil Collins is.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Michael Jackson hasn’t been in the ground for a month. His burial is scheduled for Aug. 29. Yeah… he’s been sitting around up here all this time.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:39 am
Oh man. I fuckin loled.
I shall now do a “Six Degrees of Kurt Cobain” thought I’m not sure if I should start with a Nirvana track or the song Six Degrees of Kurt Cobain by MC Lars.
Seanbaby, I love you.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:36 am
“having a family of dicks hibernating in our mouths”
Haha, good stuff.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Kinda boring, likely the first article on cracked i’ve stopped reading halfway through. Stick to sporty stuff, seanbaby.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Great article!
My experience with Pandora is that no matter what music I want to listen to, it’s only at most three degrees of separation from Coldplay.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:19 am
As with most Seanbaby’s articles it was too long to read and not funny enough.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:18 am
I don’t know how you do this Seanbaby. I really don’t.
It’s like an uncyclopedia article where the author just throws out random gibberish in a failed attempt to be funny.
A teddy bear riding a skateboard for drug awareness is EXACTLY the type of thing they’d go for and it’s always terrible on uncyclopedia, but when you do it, I fall off my chair.
Is there a subset of mashed concepts which are funny and the rest aren’t? Is it just that you know the right ones?
August 20th, 2009 at 5:17 am
Seanbaby is my favorite columnist.
I’m not even going to try to be funny or clever in this comment: I want the people running this site to know, in the most straightforward language possible, that Seanbaby is the reason I visit this cracked.com.
That is all.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:16 am
That was hilarious, but I’m still jonesin’ for some brockway.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:12 am
Hey! I sort of like Phil Collins and I can’t help but think that you meant to imply that he sucks with this article.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:10 am
Su su Su…..it was ok.
put some fake dog balls in there. that will pick the pace up.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:09 am
Perfect. No better way to start the day than a Full Colons enema.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:08 am
MehFag
August 20th, 2009 at 5:03 am
I find it interesting that you can only be “at best” 3 songs away from phil collins, and the best song on the list, Wanna be Starting something, was 3 songs away. Coincidence? No. SCIENCE, MOTHERFUCKER.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:53 am
YOURGOOD ORNOT GOOD I DONT KNOWBUTGOOD EGM
August 20th, 2009 at 4:52 am
WOWO SEANBABY THAT WAS GOOD OR NOT GOOD, comment.