I like The Quick and the Dead. Cort and the Kid are awesome characters, and Sam Raimi’s bizarre quick-zoom montage has never been more at home than in the wild west milieu. But frankly, Sharon Stone’s character would have been a lot more interesting if they plugged in a few real-life Sharon Stone quotes, because it turns out when she’s not provocatively baring her vagina on film, she’s saying the craziest, most offensive things I’ve ever heard.
I first became aware of this thanks to this poorly-written blog post about her telling the 65,000 Chinese people killed in a massive earthquake that “maybe it was karma.” And while that little bon mot is probably the most heinously ignorant thing she’s said in recent memory, a little digging revealed that it’s far from an anomaly.
For example, let’s look at her advice for women who are in the process of being raped. Not planning a rape, not recovering from a rape, but being raped right this instant. Sharon Stone’s solution? “Offer the rapist a blowjob.” Because after all, all he’s really looking for is release, and putting his penis in your mouth is way better than being physically violated. Or, you know, the same as.
So she thinks the Chinese deserve to die, and the best way to avoid rape is to get raped. What other kernels of wisdom might she impart? Well, how about her thoughts on providing her children with condoms: “If they want to make water balloons out of them, great. If they want to carry them so they feel tough, great. If they want to give them to their friends, even better.”
Just make sure they know that to pop a water balloon made out of a condom, you have to repeatedly slam it into your sibling’s face as hard as you can. On the plus side, it will cover them with flavored spermicidal lube! How tough.
Here are some more of her highlights, in no particular order:
I couldn’t figure out what that last one was in reference to, but as a comedian I’m REALLY hoping it’s a UFO encounter, and not some shitty religious awakening.
Judging by the fact that (as of this writing at least) Sharon Stone’s Wikiquotes page has the sentence “fucky Sharon Stone!You are not human being!” at the top, I think the Chinese may already be aware of her verbal indiscretions. And now so are you…and there’s no looking back. May the knowledge serve you well.
Also, in totally unrelated news, I was originally going to post about this bizarre, avant-garde news video but couldn’t figure out a way to embed it. Feel free to check it out and please tell me that I’m not crazy in thinking that it’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael investigates real rape repellents as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
- CNN Ushers In Era Of Incisive Reportage With New Holograms - November 12th, 2008
- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
June 13th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Haha Sharon Stone is bad! Maybe she try meeting for love at — http://www.bigfatchickswithdildos.com –. Many pics and vids of large volumetric women aching for you’re bone. Perhaps your future match is there with a vibration for you now! Why the waiting for it?
Seriously I’m sorry I was just so inspired by the spambots that I wanted to do my own. Perhaps the dating sites the spambots advocate should be the next user photoshop contest?
June 6th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
I have viewed many sexy and hot videos and photos at a celebrities singles dating club———- Mixedmingle.com——— where many fans and stars can chat together. And there are many black and white singles who are seeking for ideal match seriously there.
June 5th, 2008 at 8:12 am
You can see women’s ankles at muslimloving.com? Hot damn, I’m off to visit the site with a package of kleenex and some aloe vera lotion.
June 4th, 2008 at 3:02 am
” I will never go to watch her movie in the future.”
Wow, you have a time machine?
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Sharon Stone is really a screw! She is a bitch! Many of my online friends __ PlusMeet . com think she is inhuman and hate her! I will never go to watch her movie in the future.
June 2nd, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Really, How the fuck do you tell what a female looks like under a fucking burka. I just get visions of these muslim guys going ” OH you can see ankle, she’s a total whore”
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:51 pm
glendor42, I’m with you, I haven’t found love at muslim loving. I didn’t even think that muslims were the type of people to use dating websites in mass.
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:29 am
I finally unserstand Swaim’s correlation. Both segments are about ‘fuzzy bits!’
June 1st, 2008 at 5:28 pm
It’s what’s known in journalism as the ‘fuzzy piece’. It comes at the end of the news to warm the audiences heart and stop them going and killing themselves over the footage of war, the news of economic collapse and the general dickheadness of human society.
June 1st, 2008 at 2:37 pm
In reference to the video:
How the fuck does that qualify as news?
June 1st, 2008 at 4:38 am
That news guy was a god damned loony. Sounded like a screwed up Dr. Seuss book. He tried to rhyme by, bye and by all in a row and said “James and John” five times in that segment.
June 1st, 2008 at 4:16 am
She cleared up her earlier quote:
“They’re being mean to the Dalai Lama, who is my friend.”
Friend as in, Hollywood airhead willing to swallow anything he says then yes Sharon, you’re his friend.
June 1st, 2008 at 1:50 am
NO, I haven’t found true love at FUCKING http://www.muslimloving.com/and I FUCKING doubt that I FUCKING will.
But I did FUCKING happen to see several FUCKING pictures of some guys who looked a FUCKING boatload like a bunch of FUCKING FUCKERS who tried to shoot me, blow my ass up and/or otherwise do me great FUCKING bodily harm off and on and on and on and on and on again since 19 FUCKING 91.
But hey, I ain’t fucking bitter.
May 31st, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Have you ever found true love at http://www.muslimloving.com ? It is a interesting and funny place to singles who are seeking for true love and friends online.
May 31st, 2008 at 12:45 am
“I have this philosophy that money talks and cash screams.”
And change always comes?
“If you don’t want my peaches, don’t shake my tree.”
Very Judge Judy-esque this one. What’s the bet her ‘peaches’ tate more like rotting fish?
“Fame can walk in the room and eat you, or take you on a ride through a fabulous jungle”
How very profound. Like a tiger right? Because that’s totally what A tiger would do to someone.
“The villain is like a cobra. They watch, and watch, and watch. Then they strike.”
And then they laugh maniacally whilst stroking a twirly moustache?
“This brilliant, bright, white vortex of light was upon me. And then I was met by some of my friends, people who are very dear to me. But it was over very fast and suddenly I was back in the room and in my own body. It affected me so profoundly that I realized my life would never be the same again. It has definitely given me a new perspective on my career.”
I’m not sure, but I think she’s talking about her head dissappearing into her own ass.
May 30th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
You tell ‘em. I ain’t got no IQ, and I ain’t dumb.
May 30th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Just because someone has a high IQ doesn’t make them intelligent.
May 30th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Well who do you invite to your “famous” dinner parties? Bob and Doug Mackensie?, Alan Thicke? a moose? Sharon can come to my house anytime, as long as Mrs.glendoor42 is not home.
May 30th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Actually, Dolph’s is 160 according to this website I found,. It also said Andy Warhol’s was 86
May 30th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
at least Dolph wouldn’t end up naked, wrapped in the table cloth soaked in whisky and crying by the end of the night.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
So is Dolph Lundgren’s. That doesn’t make either of them viable guests at my famous dinner parties.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
For the record, Sharon Stone’s IQ is above 150.
May 30th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
@J-Pappi: Can you send me a link to that “best pussy” page on Wikipedia? I can’t find it.
May 30th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
@J-Pappi: Why do you wish for an earthquake to rumble up Texas? Can’t we all just get along?
Screw the french though.
May 30th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Completely batshit insane women tend to have the best pussy; it’s a documented fact. If not, I’ll update Wikipedia.
@MBS: saw Petrucci, Satriani and Paul Gilbert at the tabernacle last year; fucking awesome.
May 30th, 2008 at 11:46 am
At this point Clint that’s not quite a far-out idea.
I’d like her to elaborate on the ‘karma’ the Chinese are suffering for. Is it for their human rights abuses? Because the Chinese people being punished for being abused just smacks of some twisted bullying logic.
It’d be the giant, national equivelent of ’stop hitting yourself.’
May 30th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Swaim, the placement of your word-bubble in the picture at the top makes it look like Sharon’s vagina is telling us that it’s insane. Now that’s frightening.
May 30th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Fine ass girl! She’s so hottie in this famous celeb club http://www.bigblackconnect.com/. Many wealthy men joined it and wanted to date her. She’s the best dream lover.
May 30th, 2008 at 10:03 am
@J-pappi, Nice ESP you go there, I’ve got the limited edition (pink&black) Alexi Lahio sig. Although my current favorite is ernie ball music man John Petrucci sig. Thats gotta be the best guitar ive ever played.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:25 am
About, oh, one-fifth of what she says (based on Wikipedia) sounds like a good idea. The rest is either batshit insane or sounds like she was high as a kite when she said it. Or both.
Also, I didn’t hear half the video because I was laughing. What the hell? It sounded like a Second-Grade Reader or a Dick and Jane book. Only about old men, waving to people.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:18 am
RE the news video: Sorry, but nothing will ever be as weird as the horse head, mushroom cooking Japanese guy with the gas-mask jockstrap.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Sharon Stone arranged for a private tour of the Los Angeles Zoo as a Father’s Day present to her husband. He’s always wanted to see a komodo dragon up close and for some inexplicable reason decided to enter a 8 ft. poisonous lizard’s enclosure barefoot. Divorce papers were filed within the year citing “irreconsilable differences” and “shittiest Father’s Day present ever”.
The last quote that Swaim cited was probably after the emergency brain surgury she had for subarachnoid hemorrhage caused by a vertebral artery dissection.
Given that both of the incidents above are relatively rare occurances, I’m thinking that Ms. Stone should be looking more closely at her own Karma. She may be as crazy as you say, but I wouldn’t mind being as crazy…successful, wealthy & good looking as her.
May 30th, 2008 at 8:47 am
End justifies the means,
May 30th, 2008 at 6:39 am
I love that news piece because the newsreader sounds like he is softly mocking them.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:14 am
Dammit, I can’t sleep.
Pardon ME, Mr. “I’m too cool to invite anyone to be my friend” Swaim; but I am living in the land of the peanut (invented in 1864 by George Washington Carver and consumed en masse by the most effective president of all time, Georgian Jimmy Carter). And I have some bad techno pumping out of my Logitech speakers as I type, so there.
However, in addition to pointing out earlier that I would, indeed, have sexual intercourse with Miss Stone, I’ll add that her performance as every fucking psychopathic bitch I’ve ever dated in “Casino” sends chills up my spine every time I see it. Robin Wright Penn in “Isn’t She Lovely” does something rather similar and perhaps even worse. There now; is that enough or need I add a dick joke?
May 30th, 2008 at 2:57 am
Swaim, I believe Sharon Stone said best when she said “If you don’t want my peaches, don’t shake my tree.” .
May 30th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Um, exCUSE me…Sharon STONE? HELLO?! The Internet isn’t a bar for you to go to and make friends or tell people where you’re from. If it were, they’d play dance music and give you free peanuts.
May 30th, 2008 at 12:23 am
Ole Miss roads are indeed bad, but the most beautiful women in the world per capita (IMO) reside in Oxford. I practically had to be dragged from that place, and suffered from whiplash long afterward.
@MBS: I’m slightly SW of Atlanta, in Palmetto. Dinky, quiet town but I got woods and I’m easy driving distance to wherever I need to be. You sound like you play guitar; do you? I just got a Jeff Hanneman series ESP I’ve been torturing my neighbors with. Gotta roll: it’s 1:30 AM here and an early day awaits. I’ll check back in the morning.
May 30th, 2008 at 12:05 am
i think ana is from mississippi. I’m sorry but the roads in ol miss suck. make’s alabama roads seem like 5 star hotel beds.
J-pappi im from GA too. What part are from?
May 29th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
I was afraid of that. Oh, well; nobody’s perfect. Something tells me if we got into a college football discussion on here we’d be hanged, drawn and quartered…perhaps we can just agree to disagree. Good luck with your schedule, until our meeting, of course.
@ana, are you a fellow Georgian? Or just one of the many random people in this country with disdain for Alabama?
May 29th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Auburn almost graduate and member of the Auburn Alumni club. Dropped out my senior year. Got both my degrees from Troy University, though. But one of the other things I like about Georgia is Vince Dooley, an Auburn grad.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
@glendoor - Hah! That’s exactly what we say about Alabama. Yay for mutual disdain.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
I’m so glad; I’d hate to think we’d do a whole Hatfields and McCoy’s type thing on here, especially since I don’t really understand the whole deal and I buy my water at Publix anyhow. Here’s to you, sir; you’re welcome to my H2O anytime. I just hope you’re not an Auburn fan.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
But if I was facing the Gulf, Georgia would be to the left. You see my quandary.
And if Georgia hadn’t dammed up the Chattahoochee, there would be no Lake Lanier and you would be able to steal our water. I mean that in the nicest way. We are able to sue because the Chattahoochee is two thirds of our states border.
A better analogy is if the State of Georgia stood on its borders and got to decide who gets to drive on interstate 85.
Really I don’t give a shit one way or the other.
May 29th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
My personal opinion of the Chinese is that there are too many Chinese. That said, I wouldn’t wish an earthquake on anyone. Except maybe France (not for political reasons, but because they’re snooty). And Texas. And Eastern Europe, because they smell funny and have lots of body hair. And portugal. Yeah, fucking Portuguese…
@Glendoor, to the right of you is Georgia. I hate Atlanta too, but last I checked Lake Lanier isn’t in fucking Alabama so get your own water (not sure how you’re even allowed to sue). I mean that in the nicest possible way, of course. It would just be like Georgia suing Florida because we like their delicious Grapefruit juice and don’t feel we produce enough of our own.
Rape repellent? Damn! Now I must come up with anti-rape repellent repellent! What the hell’s the matter with women these days? Martial arts classes, whistles, stun guns…they act like they don’t want it or something.
May 29th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
My roommate this past year expressed similar views regarding the Chinese after that earthquake hit. I hated that son of a bitch.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
” real rape repellents” HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!! not that I ever thought about raping somebody, but GODDAMN.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
These guys remind me of “Red State Update”.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Didn’t Sharon Stones ex-husband get bit by a komodo dragon one time, what a fucking dumbass.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
@ J-Pappi (formerly Jonathan) Georgia or Mississippi ? I don’t know my right from my left.
If its Georgia, Stop stealing our water, I hate Atlanta, but Savannah nice.
If its Mississippi, all I can say is thank god for Mississippi. For so long as there is a Mississippi, Alabama will not be the most back assward state in the union.
That’s on our state seal but you got to look close.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
I’d still bone Sharon Stone though.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Yeah, that commenter in the video showed some fancy pant city folk thinking, treating Jim and John like they were dirt. I reckon he’s a few waves at a car short, i ya know wot I mean.
May 29th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
She could become a carnivore after I introduce her to my sausage.
@Glendoor: back to an earlier conversation, I’m only one state to the right of you. And yes, it has its problems too.
May 29th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Stone used to be a scientologist, but then became a buddhist after being introduced to the Dalai Lama.
Food for thought.
May 29th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
The video was so funny. More funny and interesting videos at http://www.bigblackconnect.com/, you can enjoy latest ones.
May 29th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
That video was disturbing. He read the news story like he was reading a children’s book…
May 29th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
dennis are you actually a spam bot or just a horrible advertiser?
that video was rather strange. But man that guy had a serious beard.
One day Stone is going to have karma shoved up her ass. HARD.
May 29th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Is Paris Hilton this generations Sharon Stone? Think about it. She shows off her crotch (Sharon was infamous for the crotch shot), is a blonde celebrity and hasn’t been ion a good movie in her lifetime (unless you count “the hottie and the nottie”……top notch flick).
May 29th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Who doesn’t enjoy a Steve Miller Band reference from time to time?
May 29th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I can’t comment on your mental state Swaim (You are a known dog rapist) but that last video seems to me that someone just graduated from broadcast journilism school and thinks he is funny and artistic and is really neither. Just a jerk.
PS Sharon Stone is as fucked up as a lab rat but I would still fuck the hell out of her.
Some of what say she says makes sense, to a delusional paranoid.
Qiuick and the Dead was pretty cool though.