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Sharon Stone Is A Hateful Witch (And A Video Of Old Men Waving)

I like The Quick and the Dead. Cort and the Kid are awesome characters, and Sam Raimi's bizarre quick-zoom montage has never been more at home than in the wild west milieu. But frankly, Sharon Stone's character would have been a lot more interesting if they plugged in a few real-life Sharon Stone quotes, because it turns out when she's not provocatively baring her vagina on film, she's saying the craziest, most offensive things I've ever heard.

I first became aware of this thanks to this poorly-written blog post about her telling the 65,000 Chinese people killed in a massive earthquake that "maybe it was karma." And while that little bon mot is probably the most heinously ignorant thing shes said in recent memory, a little digging revealed that its far from an anomaly.

For example, lets look at her advice for women who are in the process of being raped. Not planning a rape, not recovering from a rape, but being raped right this instant. Sharon Stones solution? "Offer the rapist a blowjob." Because after all, all hes really looking for is release, and putting his penis in your mouth is way better than being physically violated. Or, you know, the same as.

So she thinks the Chinese deserve to die, and the best way to avoid rape is to get raped. What other kernels of wisdom might she impart? Well, how about her thoughts on providing her children with condoms: If they want to make water balloons out of them, great. If they want to carry them so they feel tough, great. If they want to give them to their friends, even better.

Just make sure they know that to pop a water balloon made out of a condom, you have to repeatedly slam it into your siblings face as hard as you can. On the plus side, it will cover them with flavored spermicidal lube! How tough.

Here are some more of her highlights, in no particular order:

  • I have this philosophy that money talks and cash screams.
  • If you dont want my peaches, dont shake my tree.
  • Fame can walk in the room and eat you, or take you on a ride through a fabulous jungle
  • The villain is like a cobra. They watch, and watch, and watch. Then they strike.
  • This brilliant, bright, white vortex of light was upon me. And then I was met by some of my friends, people who are very dear to me. But it was over very fast and suddenly I was back in the room and in my own body. It affected me so profoundly that I realized my life would never be the same again. It has definitely given me a new perspective on my career.
    • I couldnt figure out what that last one was in reference to, but as a comedian Im REALLY hoping its a UFO encounter, and not some shitty religious awakening.

    Judging by the fact that (as of this writing at least) Sharon Stones Wikiquotes page has the sentence fucky Sharon Stone!You are not human being! at the top, I think the Chinese may already be aware of her verbal indiscretions. And now so are youand theres no looking back. May the knowledge serve you well.

    Also, in totally unrelated news, I was originally going to post about this bizarre, avant-garde news video but couldnt figure out a way to embed it. Feel free to check it out and please tell me that Im not crazy in thinking that its the weirdest thing Ive ever seen.

    When not blogging for Cracked, Michael investigates real rape repellents as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!