SF Zoo Valiantly Fights Back Against Slain Tiger Attack Victim
Following the Christmas tiger attack at the San Francisco Zoo, much has been made of the retaining wall around the tiger cage not being high enough to enclose, say, tigers. In the wake of the scandal, a Zoo "crisis management team" has been called in to help curb the negative publicityplaguing the zoo, and investigate whether the young men attacked had in fact taunted the tiger (which I understand is NOT a term for masturbation), or were under the influence of alcohol.
The team has also planned a series of ads designed to "put the whole thing in perspective." One such ad, leaked mere moments ago to my hard drive for some reason, appears after this colon:
Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Arent Muskets!
Whether or not the retard that got eaten was high, drunk or both, he got what he deserved. Look at it this way - he thought he was being funny (and he was probably one of those douches who laughs at his own joke while looking around and saying "Ammiright? Ammiright?") and pissed off the wrong predator.
ReplyWay to prove Darwin right with the whole survival of the fittest theory, Fuckstick.
I'm not saying I would win against a 250lb tiger (but I would) but I would be smart enough NOT to tempt fate and taunt the damn thing. Go pick on the penguins if you need to prove your dominance.
Swaim is adorable! He thinks getting engaged is the key to frequent sex! Boy just wait til marriage and kids. Then you'll be having sex NON-STOP.
ReplyThey taste like chicken or so according to the pc game I've been playing. Oh and being ugly
Replydon't have nothing to do with getting laid. Just look at Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, Ric O Casek, Lyle Lovett et al.
But seriously, what's the big deal with eating people? It's less wasteful than just killing them, and they are tasty and delicious (or so I've heard)
ReplyI enjoy posters who sign their posts.
Reply@ Andy Pants: I am engaged. Not saying I'm not ugly, just saying I get vagina regularly, so I don't really care anymore.
Wonderful video.but I think the performer portraying Carlos is a Rhodes scholar compared to the real Carlos. Hey, tigers have to eat and what better food to eat than drunk , olive complected young men who want to fuck with a 400 pound tiger! Too bad the cat had to be killed! Greggo
ReplyI'm always pleasantly surprised by how ugly the cracked bloggers are.
ReplyMakes me feel better about myself.
Mom, stop calling yourself Bacalao, and get off Swaim's hog!, I mean blog.
ReplyOh, Michael Swaim, deposit your seed inside of me.
ReplyBut is he really the monster? Those kids were drunk. They hardly make credible witnesses.
ReplyFun Fact: Swaim touches children. And by "touches" I mean "puts his penis in".
ReplyMom, get off my blog!
ReplyI enjoyed it when he called the tiger a lion. The tiger cubs won the case for me. Judgement for the defendent in the amount of not being put down.
Replyhe sure does have "one of those faces" ....a really cute face
Replygotta say, the bit with the hammer cracks me up every time.
ReplyWell Swaim is just naturally hilarious. I mean look at his face. He has one of those faces.
ReplyYou got lucky, Gladstone....
ReplyOn a side note, check out 'd's comment on the post about Scientology for the most ironic comment ever written by a human being.
Cat! Fuck you!
ReplySwaim may have a performing background, superior technical equipment and experience, but I know how to piss off Cobain fans. So there.
ReplySwaim had to lay the smack down. Stay down Gladstone! Stay down!
Reply