The Ultimate Scientology Video Finally Reveals The Secret To Unlocking Your Thetans
Always quick to act, the Church of Scientology has officially revamped their Youtube channel, mere months after the Internet collectively made wet fart noises at them.
Their tiny number of subscribers, huge number of channel views, and disabling of comments and ratings kind of gives you an idea of where the CoS's net cred stands these days. I guess they aren't equipped to handle the kind of soul-crushing and surgically-precise criticisms the Cracked Bloggers must grapple with every day (ie, "gayyyyyyyy").
In any case, I for one will be scrupulously poring over all the videos they post, as I'm still intensely fascinated by the giant sideshow they call a religion. So far, the most interesting one I've come across (okay, redubbed) is the below vid outlining the basic precepts of the faith, and the magic powers generated therefrom.
Now at least if I fail in Hollywood, I can always blame it on ticking off the Scientologists.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael gets retarded in here as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
oh nooo the video doesn't work :(
Replyoh yes it does. i'm embarrassed.
oh and do one of the mormons numerous advertisements as well.
Replyyou fucking rock
awesome vid you must make more.
ReplyMay I ask why you have scientology adverts at the bottom of your pages?
ReplyHe has to feel the dunk, love the dunk, BECOME the dunk.
ReplyBut only men can master it so, it won't.
How will Tom Cruise ever master the dunk?
Reply@ his holliness fragg:
Replyyou make a very good case.
where shall i send the check?
Aw, you guys.
ReplyI actually was going to make three, but it was super late at night and my editing "program" (windows movie maker) is like a migraine burned onto a CD.
Brilliant!
ReplyPlease make more! These videos are so obviously ripe for the mocking.
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ReplyThat was fucking genius, I can't imagine any other commentary over those images.
ReplyI say we should be trying to get Michael Swaim to host Late Night.
that redubbing was masterful, especially the fishing trip with your grandfather
ReplyAtomicSpike, that's why they call Swaim Mister Roofie.
ReplyI kept dozing off. The video wasn't boring or anything. As a matter of fact it was hilarious! I kept dozing off because Swaim's voice is so soothing and relaxing.
ReplyThis made me laugh in several places, mainly the computer chair, but once in the kitchen as I was remembering some of my favourite bits.
ReplyIt is okay, kingmonkey. With this cobbled-together 1950's scifi machine I have right here, I can help take your dreams down the scale from "Bea Arthur naked" to "Serene Broccoli in a meadow". Also, psychology is bad.
ReplyDoes anyone know if Scientology over the last few years has been expanding, or shrinking, or staying steady. I guess the only way to measure such a thing would by from Scientology leaders themselves, and I doubt they'd be forthcoming with any figures that would show them in a negative light.
Reply...
Reply(!!)
You know about my Bea Arthur dream?!
Okay kingmonkey, how is this for my first narrative: “Humans have a range of emotions. People’s emotions change with the situation. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to respond to different emotions. Also, alien battlecruisers shot magic ice crystals into the center of the Earth. These crystals caused all the trees to be unhappy. But the aliens cut down the unhappy trees and built houses for all the people. But the unhappy tree houses made all the people unhappy. That is why you think about Bea Arthur naked on a bed of roses.”
ReplyIf anyone says the video doesn't load, Swaim already explained it to Ross. It only works if you believe.
Reply