Scenes from the 2008 Olympic Games, As Reported By The Chinese National Press News Skim
Today the eternal flame of the Olympic Torch, having traveled hundreds of miles to reach our glorious land, found its home atop the Beijing National Stadium. Though the actions of several insane radicals threatened the route, the torch was nevertheless carried to its final destination unlit and by bus, as the Chinese People had always planned in the first place. The final runner, failing to ignite the Olympic flame by rubbing it with the damp nub of the torch, was summarily executed. Hail, the Peoples Republic of China! The Games are begun!
The first day of games held in our great nation have proven our worth and superiority as sportsmen and citizens of the world stage. Our men and women performed notably in the archery and shooting competitions, hitting many targets and several vicious Tibetan separatists who rushed the field. A number of criminals in attendance also displayed a sign accusing our perfect nation of brutality for its righteous actions in Darfur, but after the police publicly whipped them, they willingly retracted their statements. Truth rings out, and the Games wear on!
August 12
There was only one fatality at the Games today, and it was gymnastics-related. All hail our glorious Communism, and its life-giving power!
August 15
As was to be expected, the Chinese team crushed their opponents during the table tennis event and won the gold medal. One member of the team, a rural farmer from the Beijing rice fields who was singled out for his extraordinary backhand, broke his wrist and yet played on, in the true spirit of the people. Also in the spirit of the people, he was denied access to any restrooms on the premises, as he is of a low or dirty class and is unfit to use them. His time spent competing in the games will be worked off in the mines over the course of the coming weeks. Our discipline gives us strength!
Many of Chinas weak and undisciplined opponents complained of poor air quality and a contaminated water supply during the track and field and swimming events. Meanwhile, our athletes, hardened by a life of luxurious, well-compensated service in our plentiful coal mines, performed admirably. This reporter suggests that other nations would do well to provide their doughy populations with some hard (yet equitable and humane) labor. Coughing is the Peoples disease!
August 19
As of todays announcement by Micronesia, all other nations have boycotted the Olympic Games. Though their propaganda claims to be concerned over human rights violations and an oppressive, jingoistic regime, it is more than clear that Chinas prowess on the field of competition drove them away in fear and cowardice. The President Himself will be visiting the stadium this evening to collect all gold medals, melt them into ore, and oversee the erection of a statue of His blemishless likeness in honor of the Peoples victory.
August 23
The beginning of the Third World War, or Peoples War, has resulted in a rain of nuclear hellfire across the globe. We are happy to report that among the billions killed was the entire population of Tibet, finally quashing their seditious attempts at uprising. Another victory for the Chinese People! In related news, all citizens not suffering from mutantism and/or explosion are to report to their local armories tonight to prepare for Operation Doomsday.
March on, Olympic Champions, and hurdle the dead!
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael begs for votes in the Finals of the Sketchies II Youtube Competition!
this article was written exclusively for reactions, I just know it -_-
ReplyBounce...
ReplyBounce...
If the killing of new born female Chinese babies is going on then it would seem to me that they veiw human life different than the West. I'm not talking about abortion.
ReplyFrom what I understand in the rural areas the one child policy is relaxed, it is in the cities, where the so called educated people are, that this is a major problem. The information I sorted came from a World Health Organization report it does not matter who reported those facts.
So you're are saying that Italians are to lazy to work, who is racist now?
ReplyHmm. I guess italics dont work here. :)
ReplyCorrection, not folly to mention but folly to criticise, considering the circumstances. They agree (the Chinese) the population is too large but theres not many alternatives.
ReplyI think its absolute folly to mention the population control and the enforcement of the one-child policy. The Chinese as a whole agree with it - and contrary to popular western opinion, a second child is allowed if you have the money to pay the fine.
ReplyCan you please tell me the alternative? Theres far too many people in the country already, and if abortion is the only option then abortion is the only option, until the entire country is educated to sufficient standard.
@glendoor; ive looked up that journalist you quoted; a man labeled as an "Evangelical Christian American journalist" does not qualify as a viable quote. He has his own twisted Christian agenda as do all evangelists. Please don't bring that into the conversation about China as they will always be on opposing sides.
"“…it’s true that the Chinese view human life differently than the West does.”
ReplyI don’t even know where to begin to counteract that horrendous statement. How on Earth can one have a genuine discussion with reasoning such as that?"
" in September 1997, the World Health Organization's Regional Committee for the Western Pacific issued a report claiming that "more than 50 million women were estimated to be 'missing' in China because of the institutionalized killing and neglect of girls due to Beijing's population control program that limits parents to one child." (See Joseph Farah, "Cover-up of China's gender-cide", Western Journalism Center/FreeRepublic, September 29, 1997.) Farah referred to the gendercide as "the biggest single holocaust in human history."
@ Wha?? In two and half years of living there, that is not the sentiment , as a whole, I got at all. A long running joke in why the US is still there is not to keep the North from coming South , but to keep the South from going North. I knew a lot of Koreans who felt exactly that way, including the Korean family I lived with for 9 months.
"'To this day there are American bases in both Japan and South Korea as a result.'
ReplyIs this a problem? When I was stationed in Korea and visited Japan no one seemed to mind."
Hate to be the bearer of bad (and obvious) news, but the Koreans HATE the fact the U.S. still has a huge presence in Seoul. And while the merchants who sell you cheap kimonos and fake pearls for your girlfriends back home may like your dollars, they find you all crass, obnoxious and way past your welcome. When we told wary Koreans we met that we weren't American, they immediately became more open.
It's too bad, but they paint you all with the same brush...
"...it’s true that the Chinese view human life differently than the West does."
ReplyI don't even know where to begin to counteract that horrendous statement. How on Earth can one have a genuine discussion with reasoning such as that?
Bad misspellings and punctuation in the above, in a hurry.
ReplyYes, you are correct that you cannot judge the Chinese by western moral standards and it's true that the Chinese view human life differently than the West does. China is so different in their thinking from the West that people in the diplomacy and intelligence circles call them Klingons or Romulans because their ways are so alien to us.
ReplyThat being said the problem is that for the first time in history the Chinese are wanting to play on the world stage, not just there corner of the world, and they see no reason to adapt and that is arrogance and racist. China's leadership way of thinking has not changed
much in 2000 years or more and if they want to run with big boys they are going to have to change, as you said Japan has done it, S.Korea also, most Asian countries that are mid to major economic powers have.
To China's credit, in their eyes they feel that that have made concessions and making a concession to them is admitting a defeat. Most people in the West do not understand that.
However China has done nothing but change the amout of Emperors from one to about a hundred and the time for Emperors in this world has long past.
Also for the sake of this argument I think it is best to seperate a countries people from their goverment.
Reply“what fair and balanced news source lead you to assumptions of atrocities in Iraq?” - pretty much the same media reports that report on the “awful godless communist China”, i.e., the western media in general. It all depends on what side you look at it though its very easy to demonise a country that the populous has never visited (the same thing happened on thoughts & opinions of ‘Mother Russia’ during the cold war)."
ReplySo what they say about China is not true and what the say about the US is? WTF?
"Do I believe that the current U.S. administration is any where in the league of China’s"
ReplyShould read "Do I believe that the current U.S. administration, or any U.S. adminstration, is any where in the league of China’s"
Also to put the U.S. as a voilator of human rights in a class with China is a fucking joke.
"To this day there are American bases in both Japan and South Korea as a result."
ReplyIs this a problem? When I was stationed in Korea and visited Japan no one seemed to mind.
The United States has always been at the forefront of human rights and with billions of dollars in economic and military aid to the world has always worked to make the world a better place, FOR THE MOST PART. No other country in the world can claim it has done what the U.S. has done for good for the world and it people.
Now do I believe that the that the current U.S. administration is possibly the worst in U.S. history and many of the senior U.S. officials need criminal charges brought against them yes, I do.
Do I believe the previous U.S. administration ( The Clinton's) would have condoned torture, yes, if it meant them getting reelected, in a heartbeat.
Do I believe that the current U.S. administration is any where in the league of China's leadership in as as far as being a bunch of criminals and murders and are only interested in keeping themselves in power by any means necessary, no matter who is killed, tortured, invaded, worked to death and lead toys sent out to the world, not only no, but hell no.
Do I believe nearly all of China's policies are designed to keep the hundred or so murderers, terrorists and thieves of the Chinese Politburo in power, Yes and once you understand that, you have a pretty good understanding of why China is the way it is.
To reference your other point - why China is still developing as of 2008 - this can be attributed directly to both European influence (Opium wars and beyond) and the disastrous reign of Mao. The nation, as i said, is communist in name only and the people are living better now than they have been since the beginning of the 20th century.
Replytoo many points to reference - however, ill take up some here. Theres plenty of McDonald's in China already along with a host of western franchises. The adverse reaction you frequently see is a throwback to the European & American invasions of the late 19th , early 20th century (ref: Opium wars) - as a result the Chinese mentality is to go it alone. Coupled with the fact that the nation is one of the oldest on Earth.
ReplyThe reason for the mention of the States - which is not unrelated - is that most often the most vociferous cries of lack of Human rights are from the States. 'Pot calling the kettle black' is a phrase that springs to mind.
Japan becoming a booming international presence can be attributed to the undoubted influx of the American Dollar and the funding it received in the aftermath of the war, and the same goes for South Korea & Taiwan (UK). A colonial presence in the East was offered after the War and those nations took the chance they had to elicit influence in those important sectors, especially with the threat of the USSR & China. To this day there are American bases in both Japan and South Korea as a result.
Also, if they melted down the medals, they wouldn't make a statue of the current president, they'd make a statue of Chairman Mao.
ReplyLastly, why is it that whenever a critique of China is voiced, at least half of the response will always be an unrelated attack on the United States?
Reply