While driving through Hollywood yesterday, as I do each Monday to attend my transcendental yogic sex therapy classes, I noticed a number of writers picketing outside Paramount studios. I honked in derision, which they took as a sign of support. In short, an embarrasing debacle for all involved.
But on the bright side, as a struggling writer myself, I realized that there is no better time than now to bombard Hollywood with my many PATENTED ideas for TV shows and movies.
If you’re reading this, Mr. Producer, consider it a Godsend and get in touch with me right away about producing one or all of the following projects. It sounds like a tall order, but I firmly believe I can produce up to three nightly TV shows and no less than eight movies simultaneously, provided all actors and sets are identical.
First off, the late night TV scene. These nightly shows are hard up for material, and have been the first to suffer due to the writer’s strike. May I suggest the following replacements?
Done and done. Next up, your television dramas–your Heroes and Losts–which are just now entering a golden age of addictiveness. You don’t want to lose that rabid viewership, and I’m the idea man who’s going to help you hang onto them.
Finally, the silver screen. If this strike goes on too long, we may be in for a Summer rife with unnecessary sequels, spinoffs and remakes. After X3, I want to do anything in my power to keep that from happening. Please, feel free to take any of the following plot suggestions and turn them into a major motion picture. All I ask in return is monetary compensation, final edit rights, and my name above the title.
A note to my regular readership: please, no comments below unless you are a high-powered movie executive. I’m expecting a lot of responses and I need to keep the lines clear.
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March 8th, 2008 at 7:49 am
arabic celebrities…
Thanks for the nice read, keep up the interesting posts…..
January 8th, 2008 at 12:14 am
I think Hollywood should just run the Indian condom commercials in primetime. More entertaining than Desperate Housewives (but what isn’t?), the music’s better than just about any musical guest on SNL since Mick Jagger and Peter Tosh,—and they can probably claim it’s a half hour public service message!
Just a question: why do they need condoms for population control in India? What, Dow Chemical doesn’t have any more plants there and they’ve decided not to have any more wars over Kashmir?
November 8th, 2007 at 6:38 pm
Okay, I’m in, but I require an iron-clad contract up front that guarantees the talents of Mr. Danny Bonaduce.
November 8th, 2007 at 1:12 am
I noticed that Mr. Producer’s prose gradually shifts to ebonics as you move towards the end of his little tirade. Seeing as how black is the new black, I can’t argue with that.
November 7th, 2007 at 9:43 pm
Swaim, man, I checked out this Producer guy’s credentials; he’s legit. Those are all shows that have TOTALLY made a shit ton of money. Sign whatever he’s asking you to sign man, you’ve got it made!
November 7th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
Mr. Swaim: I must say: this shit: it’s awesome.
And I’d know.
You see, television is something I happen to be somewhat acquainted with, being a HUGE TELEVISION PRODUCER AND ALL. You ever heard of a show called AMERICAN IDOL? Huh? Yeah? Did it. How about SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE? Eh?? Uh huh. That’s me. Or maybe you’ve caught word of a little something called SEINFELD? I don’t think I need to explain myself anymore, but let’s just say I got more Jews working under me than the pharoahs, baby. Hollywood-style.
Which brings me to your pitches. I got FOX up my ass looking for something to replace House. Say it’s not cool enough. I said, “fuck you guys, what’s cooler than a show about a maverick medical genius asshole? It’s like reality tv. Real doctors are dicks, too, right?” but those fags just told me it wasn’t hardcore enough. Not enough explosions and blood and robots and shit.
And then my nephew, Duke, he 6, he tells me you got show pitches on this website. Late Night Beaver Stomp? Sounds like the shit. The shit I want. Get it. Now.
I got this email: linlosucktit@aol.com
Need the first script by tonight. Seriously. Send now. We shoot tomorrow.
It’s either that or something about the shit Linda Hamelton did after Terminator 2 (boobless). I know yo fuckers dont want that.
November 7th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=26015
Indian condom commercial (gay men need it, too).