On the long, hard road to the White House, a candidate can hardly be blamed if they use every tool, trick, and hired thug at their disposal to aid them in their ascent. After all, hired thugs is what this nation was built on, and by God, there aren’t any finer to be had anywhere in the world outside of Italy and some of the rougher parts of New Zealand.
And although scare tactics, thuggery and mudslinging are widely considered dishonorable conduct in a campaign, they have a hallowed history in politics, from the famed “Barry Goldwater nukes a little girl” TV spot to the lesser-known “Thomas E. Dewey is Hitler in disguise” evidence plant. Even the term “mudslinging” dates back to ancient Rome, when politicians would literally fling mud at one another, thereby deciding who would be Caesar that week.
But the potential mudslinger has always faced a potential problem: mud ricochet. After all, one of the public’s favorite things to hear a politician accused of (besides soliciting prostitution; that’s old hat) is being too accusatory. To hear the politicians tell it, every single one of them is “refusing to play dirty” and is “deeply disappointed by the conduct of their esteemed opponent.” And certainly, none of them have ever “taken the low road,” or “accused their gym teacher of molestation to get out of basketball drills.” High and mighty pricks.
So when Senator Obama recently spun some down-home charm into a schoolyard insult by tacitly calling Sarah Palin a pig, he not only displayed the insight of an eighth-grade bully, he also demonstrated the nimble skill of a master of the political art. Ever wily, Obama has mastered the art of insulting his opponent, without seeming to. Like a Judo master or a man farting next to a dog, he is adept at shifting the blame, feigning innocence, and undercutting the hate of his words without removing the stinger.
A simple example will illustrate the point. Imagine, if you will, Senator Obama making the following statements:
Of the two ways he could have presented his argument, he chose the one that, while still conveying the necessary information (ie, Sarah Palin’s love of rolling in mud and feces to compensate for her lack of sweat glands), doesn’t directly accuse his opponent.
He also gets bonus points for “riffing” off of her oft-repeated statement that she, in fact, is a trained pit bull that was slathered with lipstick. Why this is an improvement over a pig is debatable, but the point stands.
In fact, the only suggestion I would have made to Senator Obama is that he could have gone a little less subtle, and still gotten away with it. To my mind, the ideal statement would have been:
You’ve got to remember Senator: you’re addressing the American public. If they can’t pick up the subtext in According to Jim, they’re not going to pick it up in your speeches. The snorting noises may push the envelope, but you can always pass them off as throat clearing in later interviews. Just make sure to occasionally snort from now on, so it seems like you’ve always been doing it. If it worked for George Costanza, it’ll work for you.
And it’ll keep working. Don’t let any pantywaisted advisors or the media tell you you shouldn’t imply terrible things about Sarah Palin. Throw in some comparisons to Vanna White, maybe even roll out a veiled trannie joke or two. We, the public, may express our outrage, but deep down, you’re just saying what we want to hear. We can’t admit it, but we’re like the High School girlfriend who only wants to date the bad boy. You can be that bad boy, Barack, with just a little more venom and maybe a leather jacket or tattoo.
And what’s more, you’ll be joining a proud tradition of subtextual verbal abuse. All the greats have used the power of insinuation to clinch their political victories.
“I hope I’m not speaking out of turn when I tell you that I’ve met personally with the president, and I think re-electing him would cripple the nation.”
“It’s great to be here with my opponent Mr. Jefferson in the heart of cocoa country. As I understand it, Mr. Jefferson absolutely loves chocolate. He’s even been known to sneak the occasional piece when Mrs. Jefferson isn’t looking.”
“As they say in Illinois, there’s nothing quite like a stovepipe hat for smuggling illegitimate baby fetuses out of the White House.”
“I’ll admit, my opponent has a certain appeal. I too, want a President I can have a beer with. Or six. Or twelve. Or a snort of yayo, fistful of ‘ludes and a Munroe double team.”
“They don’t call him Tricky Dick because of his unsettlingly bent penis. Not to say that he even has a grotesque, warped penis. After all, how would I know something like that? I mean yes, maybe by tracking down his doctor and sneaking a peek at some x-rays, but that’s just a matter of conjecture.”
“Mr. McAdoo has been on this issue like white on rice. Delicious, steamed rice, just like the Japs eat.”
“My opponent is a whig. All I know about wigs is that they’re usually hiding something. Which is to say, baldness. I am of course referring to false hair. That first remark about my opponent being in the whig party was likely erroneous.”
I trust you’ve changed your mind about mudslinging, and now consider it a time-honored pastime and truly American craft. If not, I can only sigh and point out that there was also a retarded guy who shared that view. I’m not saying you’re retarded, of course. I’m just saying.
When not writing for Cracked, there’s no reason not to believe that Michael is giving free ice cream to orphans as head writer and co founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- If You Wanna Make An Omelette, You Gotta Let Some Kids Get Molested - November 13th, 2008
- CNN Ushers In Era Of Incisive Reportage With New Holograms - November 12th, 2008
- The 7 Deadly Sins of Online Gaming - November 7th, 2008
- If McCain's Concession Speech Was As Bitter As His Campaign - November 6th, 2008
- Class War! A Handy Guide - October 30th, 2008
October 25th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
whats the differance between sarah palin and a pig?
Nothing
October 15th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Ok so I’m late to the party and can’t be bothered reading through the comments to see if anyone already said this….but wasn’t the “lipstick on a pig thing” actually calling McCain a pig? Sarah Palin is the lipstick and he’s the pig?
like- she’s the adornment on his campaign, but the essence of the campaign, the person in the running- is still the same?
September 29th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
[...] read more | digg story [...]
September 26th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I normally don’t leave comments because they come off either condescending/moronic/lead to excessive self-defense and anger/are misconstrued as fisting requests.
However! I’d like to show my appreciation for the Cracked bloggers who take the time to visit the comments page, dispense advice on acquiring politically insulting literature, school the fools who over analyse the jokes and in doing so leave us with some spontaneous comedy gems granting an insight into their improvised comedic faculties.
P.S. If you spot some small error why talk about it on the comments page? Either people have noticed it and are content in thinking they are as perceptive as a monkey on crystal meth and thus mentioning that you saw it too will just burst their bubble or if people haven’t seen it then you just made their made their world a little darker, like taking handjobs and fingerbangs from existence and replacing them with Nazis and headless kittens.
P.P.S. I don’t know how many other Britons you get on this site but I read it every day and love it.
September 25th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
This was hilarious! Quite clearly the media blew these comments out of proportion - it’s like if McCain wore a white suit instead of a black one and all of a sudden he’s a racist, baby-killer. If I had a million dollars for every talented, intelligent journalist on TV I’d still be dirt-poor.
My favourite bit was “unsettlingly bent penis”. How bent must a penis be before it becomes unsettling? Politicians are all idiots anyway. Although it may sound counter-intuitive, they aren’t paid enough. All the intelligent people have realised it’s a shit job for shit pay and went and took a more worthy job at their nearest lavatory cleaning the walls of human faeces. I’d rather be paid to wipe shit up than to speak it.
Moreover they’re probably smuggling illegitimate baby fetuses out in their stovepipe hats for a bit of extra cash on the side.
Jokes aside, the media may have shot his hopes down, I think. As they say: mud sticks.
September 25th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
[...] right along, my friend anna banana posted this hilarious article “Sarah Palin Pees Standing Up: How To Use Insinuation” from cracked.com on the facebook, and I died more than once reading it. Here are some [...]
September 25th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I think the lipsticked pig is going to bite Barry’s butt in November, whether he was talking about her or not. If you play in the mud with pigs, you’re gonna smell bad and end up dirty.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:57 am
Imagine if Obama had just made the “lipstick-on-a-pig” statement, and some random guy just started shouting at him, “How dare you call Sarah Palin a pig with lipstick! I demand that you apologize!” That guy would be considered a lunatic. That guy is Fox News.
September 24th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
@ Obama of Nazareth: I don’t “get my freak on” Who the hell do I look like? Rick James? Nigga please.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Hey, I can pee standing up -and- write my name in the snow. It’s a muscle thing. (yes, we have real long winters in the northeast too)..just sayin’.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Is there a video somewhere of Palin peeing standing up? I’d like to see that.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Funny article, but you’re riffing on the misunderstanding of the statement, not the facts. But then, this is Cracked, not the NY Times. McCain himself used the “lipstick on a pig” statement prior to selecting his VP–it’s a common, if antiquated, saying.
September 24th, 2008 at 7:07 am
So what IF Barrak called Palin a pig? Yell outrage is the stupidest response. At least in ancient times they had PROPER mudslinging.
Obama argues for 25 minutes about their economic policy, then inserts the word “PIG” and all the republicans heard is that ONE SINGLE WORD? Come on. Ok, Palin is not a pig. PROVE HIM WRONG THEN. PROVE US you’re not a PRO-LIFE-BECAUSE-THAT-MEANS-MORE-STUFF-I-CAN SHOOT-INTO-FRIGGIN-MUD-DWELLING-PIG, with lipstick.
September 24th, 2008 at 6:29 am
Palin’s twin = filthyrichmond.blogspot.com
September 24th, 2008 at 4:01 am
Really not sure what your impression is of New Zealand, but being a New Zealander I don’t fully understand the reference you’ve made. Comparing Italy (I can only imagine you were talking about Fascist Italy) to New Zealand? What on earth!? Have you even been to New Zealand?
American’s knowledge of the world = epic fail.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Great piece. Still chuckling. Now go and punch Gladstone in the back of the head for that HBN shit.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
[...] [...]
September 23rd, 2008 at 7:12 pm
I’m tired of this nonsense people keep peddling about the ‘Pig’ reference Obama made. If you had actually watched Obama’s speech and not simply the soundbite you will have realized that Obama was referring to the Republican party as a whole when using the word ‘Pig’ and that lipstick he mentioned was a reference to John McCain’s claim to be the candidate of Change even though he subscribes to virtually every major policy point of the present Cheney-Bush administration. So in other words, McCain was trying to rebrand his politics as an alternative to the present when in actuality, he is still just a republican Pig.
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:17 pm
That would be an awesome game of Wheel of Fortune.
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I miss arrested development too
This was almost cause for a sad smiley, but I have sworn them off for being retarded
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
how come E in MD gets points and gets them taken away while i get raped by my fellow cracked readers when i said the same stupidly serious thing. (last week was very stressful). I demand fake points that will then promptly be revoked!
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Classybroad, all this talk about fisting, syrup and oversized vaginas has caused me to have a little chubby. What say you & I go get our freak on.
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:08 pm
It’s not Sarah Palin’s fault she has an oversized vagina that allows her to pee standing up. Have a little simpathy here, Michael. Not everyone is blessed with perfectly unfisted vaginas. Besides, I’m sure there’s not much else to do in Alaska.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:35 pm
E in mD, you get points for figuring out the joke of the article, but they are immediately revoked for then taking that joke seriously. So hey, you break even. Better luck next time.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Knothead, why so angry after reading a comedy article? What else is going on in your life? We’re all here for you, man. Whatever it is, we’ll get you through it.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:29 pm
And it’s hardly edgy for Cracked to repeat Democratic talking points…you guys must get your faxes from Barry later than the NYT/LA Times/Washington Post.
The debates are going to sink the Messiah, alas. Once he goes off the teleprompter, he can’t string two sentences together. And his running mate seems to be out of the loop, because twice in two days he’s contradicted the Messiah on guns and political ads. I guess they’ve forgotten him almost as much as the rest of America.
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Obama is going to be a disaster as President if he can fool enough of you View watching, Twittering fools to actually find a polling place on election. He’s more of an airhead than Jimmy Carter ever was. Just because he’d best buddies with the Weather Underground, that doesn’t qualify him to deal with a nuclear Iran or an aggressive Russia.
Obama isn’t change…he’s just another in a long line of wanna-be socialists who think the New Deal didn’t go far enough. I find it hilarious and sad that people who think that the Republicans are just waiting to breakout the jack booted thugs and proclaim martial law are so willing to turn over their lives to the Democrats. Fools….don’t you know that all freedom steams from economic freedom? The Left promises to take away more of your economic choices to make way for fairness….sound familiar?
If McCain somehow wins this, move your big government asses over to any of the several hundred nations in the world that opress their citizens with socialism. Leave the rest of us who like personal freedom and economic opportunity one damn country on the planet.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Hurray for Fisting
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Except he didn’t call Palin a pig. He called McCain’s policies ‘putting lipstick on a pig’ which is the same crap McCain and Dick Cheney have both said about Democrat economic policies.
Here’s the quote:
OBAMA: Let’s just list this for a second. John McCain says he’s about change, too. Except — and so I guess his whole angle is, “Watch out, George Bush, except for economic policy, health-care policy, tax policy, education policy, foreign policy, and Karl Rove-style politics. We’re really gonna shake things up in Washington.” That’s not change. That’s just calling some — the same thing, something different. But you know, you can — you know, you can put lipstick on a pig; it’s still a pig.
Show me where he’s referring to Palin there.
What you just committed there is one of those propaganda techniques you just talked about in the last article. Good demonstration there, Mike!
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:36 pm
…oh and fisting…
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
i absolutely loved the john adams on thomas jefferson quote.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:27 pm
“there aren’t any finer [thugs] to be had anywhere in the world outside of Italy and some of the rougher parts of New Zealand.”
I thought those were Hobbits. Tough little guys, good with guns but better with knives.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I find that Most people put up comments that have nothing do to with the Article and all about Fisting and Insulting everyone else on the list because you have nothing better to do with your sorry lives… I on the other hand think Politics are just a fancy word for Popularity Contest, of course some people would say I am pointing out the obvious and others would disagree completely. But that’s what I am here for… to stir up some shit and just sit back and watch comments roll in about how much of a moron i am.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I want to put my penis inside of her.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:02 am
does anyone actually believe that obama called palin a pig? …or even insinuated as much?
you people should either learn to pay attention - or at least promise not to vote.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:56 am
mmm….waffles.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:24 am
Of for the love of… Just because Sarah Palin HAPPENS to wear lipstick and just because she HAPPENED to mention lipstick as a distinction between pit bulls and hockey moms, does not mean that a commonly used colloquialism that uses the word “lipstick” is directed at Sarah Palin! God you people (that believe this is true) are morons!
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:17 am
You know, that comment which Obama(who is not black) said about palin. I took it to mean he was calling her a dog. As in, “if you put lipstick on a pig, it is still a pig”, in reference to her, “I am a pitbull with lipstick”. Saying IT does not matter if you wear lipstick (how you present yourself) you are still a dog (Whatever insult you want to take that as).
September 18th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
also, fisting, for some reason.
September 18th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
*waits for entire argument to repeat itself*
September 18th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
obama did not call sarah palin a pig. lipstick on a pig is a common phrase that John McCain used multiple time when talking about Hillary Clinton’s policies. To my knowledge, he was never accused of being sexist or insulting her.
September 18th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
***sigh*** I miss Arrested Development.
September 18th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Skipping the fisting comments on an article about mudslinging…
John Adams on Thomas Jefferson: That was so incredibly funny to me, and that’s out of a hilarious article (well, except the piggy thing). Awesome
September 18th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
The Sarah Palin action figures are much better. I think they’re from Hero Builder (the company has a name very similar to this, at least). Again, just Google search +Sarah +Palin +”action figure”.
September 18th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
It’s actually lower than the lowest rung of the moral ladder. It’s amazing they managed to drop that low, I mean it takes almost super-physics to achieve that.
September 18th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Obama Waffles are genius. Fucked up, but genius.
September 18th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Kingmonkey, that’s fucking awesome. So very very wrong, but so incredibly awesome.
September 18th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
The ‘Barry Goldwater will nuke us all’ campaign was the most memorable one, in my opinion.
Hey, do a Google search for “Obama Waffles” and let me know what you think. (And I do mean Google search; if any of you yahoos use another engine, I will be very cross.)
September 18th, 2008 at 11:28 am
@Panzer-Stier Ross
If you like political insults, there’s this book “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the White House” that is all about the negative campaigns candidates have run over the years. It is hilarious. It covers a bunch of elections in a lot of depth, and it also ends with one vicious quote about every single president made either by an opponent, author or other commentator.
September 18th, 2008 at 10:06 am
I get the man farting next to a dog thing, but how are Judo Masters adept at shifting the blame, feigning innocence, etc? Shifting weight, to be sure, but undercutting the hate of his words without removing the stinger? For that matter, that last part doesn’t apply to a man farting next to a dog, either, only the first two. Otherwise, I’m right there with ya.
September 18th, 2008 at 9:33 am
I’m more fond of political insults than mudslinging, basically because they’re borne out of absolute hatred rather than meangingless lies made up to discredit their opponent’s character.
Benjamin Disraeli once said of William Gladstone (whoo!): “If he were to fall into the Thames and drowns it’d be a shame, but if they did pull him out it’d be a tragedy.”
September 18th, 2008 at 7:43 am
I liked the more subtle joke that nearly every qoute was from someone who lost their election.
September 18th, 2008 at 6:55 am
Hannah montana gave fdr polio.
Hannah Montana was supplying Lincoln with fetuses.
September 18th, 2008 at 6:26 am
“Unsettlingly bent penis” is one of the best phrases ever. This article was great.
September 18th, 2008 at 5:14 am
Even the line with the winking and snorting was far to subtle. I mean, you might have something in your eye. We dont know. And it could keep me up at night!! Take a leaf out of Australian politician Mark Latham’s book, who has actually made an appeareance here on Cracked before. He flat out called our Prime Minister an Arselicker. Direct Quote-
‘John Howard is an Arselicker.’ This guy was our oppossition leader.
Yeah. I love mudlsinging.
September 18th, 2008 at 3:20 am
wow, I am a giant giant nerd.
September 18th, 2008 at 3:20 am
@ Wallsy - Want to help me destroy the guitar hero that belongs to the crude racist drawing of a mexican child and stomp on Kurt Cobain’s grave before we go see the arrested development movie? If you do, I’ll give you a very expensive hat!
see? the comments section was never that great. There was an uproar anytime any blogger wanted to be slightly negative (or even positive in the case of arrested development) about something possibly beloved. I would say the peak was the mabisms and then when those got out of control and old the comments section started to suck again.
September 18th, 2008 at 1:22 am
ZiggyTheZ, it could be because the comment sections have become lamer and lamer as time has gone on. They used to be full of amusing commentary and references to old blog posts, but now they’re full of shit, to such an extreme degree that they actually make the blog posts they’re attached to less funny by associaton.
September 17th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
I’m just pissed that an English Bulldog was mistaken for a pitbull and sarah palin. How insulting to the chubby, little bastards.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Maybe McCain is old enough to have been one of the fetuses Lincoln snuck out?
Btw the Al Smith on FDR mudslinger had me convulsing, but you know, in a good way.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
DOB, quit beeing such a whiny bitch and go with the flow
September 17th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
I have tried to smuggle fetuses out of the White House in a stovepipe house. It isn’t as easy as it looks. For the aspiring fetus-smuggler, I suggest bonnets. Tying a knot under your chin for added security is just s-m-a-r-t.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
woombie, check back to the first few comments. especaily mine.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
that baby-fetus-in-the-hat joke was a real winner. keep ‘em “dead baby jokes” coming
September 17th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
See, if during a campaign you say something against an opponent, it turns out to be true, and they admit it. Is it technically mudslinging? I mean, does it depend on how much credibility they lose and how much influence the comment has?
I mean, for example, a third party candidate says John McCain is a mutant space-alien/giant lizard man who runs the world from his underground cave, and then on Election Day Rangazzzznock bursts forth from his human disguise and demands we obey the legions of the underworld, is that simply a dirty tactic or else letting the public know?
September 17th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Right? I almost want to weep, because I thought this article was so funny. Can we not agree that the idea of Lincoln smuggling fetuses out of the White House is a positively brilliant concept? Can we? Not?
September 17th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
QUESTION!
So how did we get from Swaim’s heelarious mocking of presidential campaigns to fisting Neil with syrup because of his ranting?
September 17th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Neil, you really need to learn not to take offense at things (i.e., an article not meant to be reporting facts, or a comment directed at your whiny bitchiness.) I have nothing against you personally, so your angry comment/novel was completely uncalled for. Please, by all means, type in your fruitless, lengthy complaints until your fingers fall off.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Abbie and Sammie the bull, I guess I must be mistaken, you see because I thought that here in the cracked.com blog comments it was a rather colloquial situation and therefore allowed my grammar to slip a little bit. Little did I realize that my grammatical errors here on the vaunted internet, home of some of the most sophisticated writings known to man, that I would presenting myself to people with such delicate sensibilities. I am truly sorry for having offended you dirty fuckmonkeys for being uncouth enough to not double check what I typed out quickly while at work for each and every possible error. I have truly brought shame upon myself. Can you ever forgive me, you gigantic taints.
Now, I was simply intending to point out that the article was purporting something blatantly and wildly untrue. I meant no disrespect to the venerable Mr. Swaim who I hold in the highest regard that some one can hold a dog rapist. Seriously, though, I didn’t realize it until recently, but I had found Those Aren’t Muskets before I found Cracked.com and the video I found there made me laugh for like a week because it was so silly and ridiculous.
Oh, DOB, another one of those things is “Needless to say” because if something truly was needless to say, you wouldn’t say it, for to do so would be needless.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I get it. It’s sort of like when my next president says he doesn’t really want to be brought his machine gun when he sings ‘bring me my machine gun’. It’s a metaphor.
George Washington had the face of a disapproving sheep.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Well I’m black and a female and I love DOB.
So there are two more categories that he can check yes under the question “People that would lay down their lives for Dan “the can crushing man” O’Brien.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
its true, im white and I love DOB (non sexualy). I may have a man crush too.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
White people love DOB.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
exactly john. Flat out lying is the primitive, blunt weapon of politics. What I’m applauding is the masterful use of the rapier of implication. Mocking the people who try to equate Obama with terrorists is like shooting fish in a barrel, if the fish were suicidal and you had a shoulder mounted fish-seeking rocket launcher.
And I think DOB has just become protective of us other bloggers. I think it’s cute. <3<3
And I love Kanye West.
September 17th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
After seeing the pictures of Palin, Sarah, I have decided that I want to have her children…
… so I can ransom them back to her.
September 17th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Has anyone else noticed that DOB has become more and more of a comment section nazi? No more cheeky and fun shenanigans; he’s actually getting cynical and angry. Se la L.A. i guess.
September 17th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Interesting that Swaim would point out insinuation on Obama when I have heard (and read in my email) nothing but insinuation that Obama is a Muslim.
I guess flat out lying about his religion isn’t insinuation.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Wait…”that’s old hat”…as opposed to an “expensive hat”?
September 17th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
In all fairness to Neil, the article did look like a hard news article (that pesky byline!) and the website does look remarkably like CNN. He must have just gotten lost because of his poor English skills, and thought that whining like a bitch was his civic duty.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
I remember someone on one of these crazy forums on the internets stating, “blah blah blah…blah blah…, and I quote… blah blah blah.” He didn’t even use quotation marks - just typed “and I quote”. I wanted to fist him in the face…also for the the blah blah blah part.
DOB, I figure that since this entry is filed under “Uncategorized”, I can talk about whatever the hell I want to talk about. If you want to talk about muddy presidents and Palin’s Penis, the please do! Don’t let our uncategorized discussion hold you back.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Favorite pic: Like so.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Do I like the band fist? Is that the supergroup with sebatian bach, ted nugent, scott ian, jason bonham and some other dude? So maybe, if thats the band that was mentioned.
Am I into fisting? Hell no. Do I like fists? Why yes I do, especialy when its mine connecting with someone elses face. Ah the great days of pilliageing.
Now maple syrup, pancakes and bacon is the food of the gods.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
To add to the article - Senator Charles “I-Got-Beat-With-A-Cane” Sumner once called Andrew Johnson the open bunghole of the treasury. it’s true
September 17th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
“kinda a hypocrite”
September 17th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
damn internets and its inability to reflect tone.
the point was reading iz fir nirds
September 17th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
yea, I noticed that too and I get pissed at people for doing it - so I guess I’m kinda a hypocrite. But I get pissed when people try to ruin good funny with facts. And so I really didn’t like to do it because I felt like a dickhead, but I felt I needed to because i’m really pissed off that anyone felt the need to talk about this statement ever in the first place.
and I recognize that quotation marks aren’t the appropriate way to emphasize read the way I wanted to, but I didn’t know what the appropriate way was and hoped no one would call me on it and just get the point. I figured there was a good enough chance that everyone would just ignore as everyone in the comments section seems not to be capable of caring less about the article itself.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
“I mean I hate to bring fact into a comedy article, but I mean it isn’t the punchline we’re talking about, it’s the premise and it’s not like there aren’t….”
See, Neil, you say that you hate to bring fact into a comedy article, but then you went ahead and did it. You did the hell out of it. In a big ole’ paragraph, no less. That’s something I notice people doing in comments all the time. “I hate to say X, but…X X X X X X X XX!” Why even pretend? That’s like me saying “I hate pointing out when people use quotation marks in bizarre places” immediately before pointing out that you putting quotes around “read” seems out of place and absurd.
If I REALLY hated pointing that out, then I wouldn’t point it out.
I’d just shut up. But, the truth is, I love pointing out inappropriate quotation marks.
I fucking love it.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
After reading the comments, I completely forgot what the article was about… Damn you, Canada! And also fisting!
September 17th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
On any other website I’d find it unusual that an article about presidential mudslinging came to make me crave a big plate of pancakes smothered in syrup, with a nice side of bacon…
September 17th, 2008 at 11:52 am
mudslinging is a move in which a presidential candidate completely covers their hand in maple syrup and fists a pig. James Polk, Franklin Pierce, and Calvin Coolidge were particularly good at this.
September 17th, 2008 at 11:50 am
This article was saved by the ending. It was a decided meh, until the cripple part. Especially when from all the millions examples of mudslinging in this election you took one that wasn’t actually mudslinging. Obama, first off was referring to mccain’s economic policy and second was using one of those old sayings that sound folksy so politicians repeat them on end to insist they’re just a good ol boy. Mccain has used the same exact phrase again and again (in fact he used it in reference to hillary’s health care plan, which at least then it was directed explicitly at a woman, but still wasn’t about a woman. it was about a policy). I mean I hate to bring fact into a comedy article, but I mean it isn’t the punchline we’re talking about, it’s the premise and it’s not like there aren’t thousands of other examples of actual mudslinging. all the talk of how many houses mccain owns or how elitest obama is or how maybe how not american and not christian obama is or how obama rapes small children or how mccain is bush’s butt boy. Nope, none of that. You went instead to the one statement that a retarded 5 year old boy would recognize wasn’t about palin.
Sorry … I “read” too much.
September 17th, 2008 at 11:26 am
did you hear the one about Madison fisting?
September 17th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I really enjoyed this article.
…Oh, I’m sorry, was I speaking out of turn? Should I have brought up fisting or syrup or something? My bad. I just wanted to point out how jokes involving presidents will always make me laugh, but I guess I’ll go post that commentary on a fisting forum somewhere.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:46 am
and a filthy russian cheater
September 17th, 2008 at 10:39 am
To be fair, Over the Top involved fists, the forearm and both the bicep and tricep muscles.
Plus a bit of the shoulder for leverage.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:36 am
by far
September 17th, 2008 at 10:35 am
the greatest Sylvester Stallone movie involving fists was Over the Top
September 17th, 2008 at 10:27 am
I thought it was the movie FIST, starring Sylvester Stallone.
And Lyonkyng… let’s just say you should be careful of drive by slapshooting, okay?
September 17th, 2008 at 10:21 am
He just really likes Fist, the 80s metal band of choice for the conniseur.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:59 am
[...] read more | digg story [...]
September 17th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Metalbrainsurgery, What’s all the fisting about? You’re not into that sort of thing, are you?
I’m going to vote by slopping mud on the ballot; mudsling in effigy!
September 17th, 2008 at 9:46 am
I actually watched that Wheel of Fortune, and Pat Sajak confirmed the scandal.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:43 am
I love the according to jim line. Hilarious. Also none of this matters Ron Paul is going to win by write in.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Hee heee heeeeeee
September 17th, 2008 at 9:04 am
MAPLEBANG!!
September 17th, 2008 at 8:51 am
What are you gonna do kingmonkey? Make us overdose on maple syrup?
September 17th, 2008 at 8:48 am
I’ve never loved mudslinging as much as I do now
That cripple one was fantastic, it actually made me lol
September 17th, 2008 at 8:46 am
I resent the implication that the Canadian mob is not to be feared. We will totally fuck you up, eh!
Luckily our own politicians aren’t quite as bad as America’s, yet.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:40 am
not to mention, meh.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:18 am
and it was a pit bull, not a bulldog damnit
September 17th, 2008 at 8:16 am
FIST!!!