Sad But True: Real News From Around The Globe

So you're sitting there in your uncomfortable swivel chair under the harsh fluorescent lights in your cubicle. Your chatty coworker is blabbing on the phone, your styrofoam cup of bitter coffee has undissolved bits of non-dairy creamer floating in it, and you're thinking to yourself, "Wow... my life really sucks." Maybe you don't work in an office - maybe you're sitting at home, unemployed, crippled by ennui (and whiskey), thinking "Wow... my life really sucks." Maybe you're somewhere else. Who knows? All that matters is that you're looking at a computer and your life stinks. You've probably heard the term "things could always be worse" before, haven't you? You know why people say that? Because it's true. You could live in Salt Lake City, where

high school students can go to jail for streaking. Or if you live in Salt Lake City already (god forbid), you could live in South Africa, where a gang of 350 baboons is terrorizing a small town. Take solace in the fact that you don't live in a senior center in upstate New York, where a ban on donuts has prompted octogenarians to take to the streets. You may have seen some homeless people today, and that may have bummed you out a little, but at least none of them stabbed you in the ear with a pen. And hey - remember that smoker you picked up at that auction? Remember when you got it home, opened it up, and it DIDN'T have a severed human leg inside? Well it could have. The world is a different place than it used to be. Times are rough - even the tame ducks can't catch a break. The global penis assault continues unabated, of course. Feeling better yet? No? Maybe a trip to a wildlife refuge would cheer you up. Just be careful around the orangutans - they might steal your pants.